Poly-themed movie 'Ma Belle, Ma Beauty' opens in theaters. "How polyamorous people are dating again after vaccination." And other polyamory in the news

●  Remember the early press last winter about the indie movie Ma Belle, My Beauty? It just opened in theaters in the US and is getting some notice in major media.

– Here are excerpts from the long, positive writeup on the NBC News site, in its NBC Out section: 'Ma Belle, My Beauty' brings queer polyamory to the big screen (Aug. 19)

By Max Gao

...[Filmmaker Marion Hill's] “Ma Belle, My Beauty” — which won the Audience Award in the NEXT category at the 2021 Sundance Film Festival and premieres in theaters Friday (Aug. 20, 2021) — follows Bertie (Idella Johnson) and Lane (Hannah Pepper), two formerly polyamorous lovers who reunite for the first time in years at the insistence of Bertie’s husband, Fred (Lucien Guignard).

Bertie and Lane

Two years after Lane gratuitously disappeared from their lives in New Orleans, Bertie and Fred have gotten married and moved to Fred’s family home in the French countryside. ...Fred decides to enlist Lane’s help to get Bertie out of a creative and emotional rut. But when Bertie refuses to buy into Lane’s attempts to re-create their old carefree dynamic, Lane begins seeing a stunning Israeli ex-soldier named Noa (Sivan Noam Shimon), which quickly reignites dormant jealousies.

...Unlike traditional casting processes, in which writers or directors try to match actors with specific characters, Hill said that, while she had an outline for the story, she always intended to collaborate with actors to create characters that rang true to their own experiences. That meant “incorporating parts of their personality, their gender, their background, their race and culture into what was going on in the script,” she said.

[...Said Hill,] “The whole film is referring to this relationship they shared in the past and watching them kind of figure out how to be with each other now. They’re just in this room sharing the most powerful, intimate version of what they have, so that really influenced the lighting, and we wanted it to feel dark and almost chilling.”

In terms of blocking the scene, Hill said it was always important to emphasize the contrasting power and sexual dynamics between Bertie and Lane by showcasing “the subtleties of how their bodies are moving together, how they're speaking to each other, and seeing who is seeming really comfortable in what moment.” ...

“This is them in a vacuum, and there’s no one watching them,” she said. “That scene is our look into the depth of what they have, what they share.” ...

Hill said she also had to do some research about polyamory while she was writing the screenplay. ... “I think what was most eye-opening for me when I was learning about polyamory for the first time was how much of it is communication and is consent-based rather than sex-based,” she said. “I wanted to also kind of explore the beauty of polyamorous partnerships that might not be sexual, like the Fred and Lane relationship, which again comes out of tremendous trust and empathy and kind of the sense of family that, historically, we haven’t really seen when it comes to relationships involving more than two” people.

– And this review just appeared in the Washington Post (Aug. 24): This polyamorous romance, set in the South of France, captures the pleasures of late summer. The reviewer gives it only two stars out of four.

By Ann Hornaday

“Ma Belle, My Beauty” comes pre-drenched in the languid pleasures of late summer; for anyone looking for a respite from and a celebration of the season’s drowsiest dog days, it works a trick.

...Their band is scheduled for a European tour in just a few weeks, but Bertie has been avoiding rehearsals. In an attempt to jump-start her creative juices, Fred extends an invitation to Lane (Hannah Pepper), who was Bertie’s lover in a polyamorous — but decidedly mono-directional — relationship back in NOLA.

Mono-directional because, although Fred and Lane enjoy an easygoing friendship, it’s Bertie they both love. As the hot summer days wear on, the dynamics get dicier and more delicate, with Lane plainly longing to resuscitate what she and Bertie once had, Bertie harboring submerged yearnings and jealousies, and Fred — well, Fred’s just enjoying all the food, wine and music his community has to offer, with an occasional dip in the local river for refreshment.

At its best, “Ma Belle, My Beauty” perfectly captures the casually cosmopolitan rhythms of expat life at its most bohemian and low-key sybaritic. ... Reminiscent of the sun-kissed films of Eric Rohmer, “Ma Belle, My Beauty” is a movie best appreciated simply by sinking into its sensuous pleasures, rather than expecting narrative novelty or emotional fireworks.

Indeed, what story there is in “Ma Belle, My Beauty” turns out to be blandly conventional, despite its unconventional contours. The relaxation that Hill conveys so well eventually gives way to lethargy, as Bertie and Lane’s psychodrama plays itself out. Although Johnson and Pepper are terrific actors, Hill hasn’t given them much to portray as characters; the depths of their bond and betrayals are kept vexingly opaque.

Rather than a meditation on desire, “Ma Belle, My Beauty” becomes a portrait of how people simultaneously crave intimacy and keep each other at bay. Viewers may wish there were more to it, but what’s there is teasingly intriguing. “Ma Belle, My Beauty” may be a mere bagatelle, but it’s a diverting and attractive one.

Unrated. In English, French and Spanish with subtitles. Contains brief strong language, nudity and sexuality. 93 minutes.

– Trailer:

Says the Chicago Reader (Aug. 19):

[Director ]Marion Hill ... feels stretched thin in the end product, and it’s the writing that ultimately suffers. The performances are wound tight and the setting is undeniably gorgeous, but Ma Belle, My Beauty feels uninterested in its characters’ motivations and their main source of conflict—how to manuever the complicated cogs of the polyamorous machine.

Says DisappointmentMedia (Aug. 20):

A Beautiful Depiction of Love in Its Many Variations

By Dan Skip Allen

I've been watching movies for quite a long time and I've seen a lot of films come out. Usually, you hear about great films because of word of mouth, but sometimes they slip under the radar. Ma Belle, My Beauty is one such film.

...[Marion] Hill demonstrates her ability to ramp up the tension throughout the film through various conversations of what the motivations between the women truly are. Why did certain people come back? To make up for previous mistakes or get into new relationships that tear down the previous ones? The dialogue works so well among all the cast. The actors can believe what they are saying. The passion that stems from it is incredible. 

This is one of the most realistic films about love and its many variations I've seen in years. ...

ScreenRant (Aug. 22):

Marion Hill Directs Delicate, Honest Romantic Drama

By Ferdosa Abdi

Director Marion Hill does a lot with a little to transport the audience to this place and to be with these characters through effective visual storytelling and sound design. It is as if Hill was a documentarian embedded amongst a lively community and just happened to have an interesting story unfold before her camera. ...

Hill does well to not force feed her audience the backstory for this throuple. Casual conversations between the characters reveal the three were in a polyamorous relationship — specifically, Bertie was dating Lane and Fred, who were not romantically involved with each other. Although Lane and Fred don’t ever get romantic and remain in a platonic friendship, there is mutual respect. For those who are unfamiliar with polyamory, this is perhaps the most straightforward depiction that doesn't try to justify any of these character’s choices or judges them.

...What’s beautiful about this film is the delicate and honest depiction of people grappling with their emotions and not necessarily going about their problems the “right” way. Many people are Bertie, bottling up tough emotions, withdrawing, and not seeking help. Many are Fred, outsourcing help, attempting to roll past any inconvenience with a smile on their face for the sake of those they care about. And many people are Lane, simply deflecting, running away, and being somewhat reckless with other people's feelings. ... This film is not just a love story, it’s a story about love.

The Daily Californian, the student newspaper of UC Berkeley (Sept. 1):

By  Chloe Forssell

One of the bigger disappointments in the film is the degree to which Hill misses the mark when it comes to the polyamorous relationship. Hill works so hard to create a script that doesn’t sensationalize a polyamorous relationship that the potential for deeper conflicts is zapped out of the narrative. There is no room for the relationship to breathe and no chance for nuances; this film could have broken ground, but instead, it fell flat. 

Hill herself says polyamory is “a world in which respect and communication and self-love are the driving force. Those are things people in all relationships should be thinking about more. For me, it’s expanded how I move through the world generally.”

 

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On to some other poly in the media!

●  In Rewire, How Polyamorous People Are Dating Again After Vaccination (Aug. 24)

Dating multiple partners was hard enough before a pandemic. With vaccines in arms, the community is adjusting to its new normal.

Kasia Popova /Adobe

...Now, with vaccines in arms, the community is starting to feel safe enough to start dating again.

"This time last year, every visit with a partner was a complex calculation of risk and timing," says Praveen, a Bay Area polyamory veteran of five years.

"We had to book Airbnbs out in the country to navigate one of my partner's testing schedules as an essential worker."

...Partners had to ask themselves tough questions: Do we want to continue our relationship virtually? Should we break up? When can I kiss you again?

Trust [is] the name of the game.... Nearly everyone asked variations of "Are you vaccinated? Do you want to come over, or should we go for a walk?"

But in many ways, the poly community was better prepared for these conversations than most.

Conversations about STD transmission are commonplace between non-monogamous partners. The preventative measures that stop chlamydia from coming home applied well to COVID-19. Frequent testing, open conversations and non-judgmental disclosure are the cornerstone tools for keeping all partners healthy and safe.

"We had a situation for a while where we all got tested for COVID-19 about every other week.  My primary partner and I would go once every two weeks. Our partners were both getting tests weekly," said Eric.... "We never spent time out of one another's homes. We got to be intimate quickly because there literally was nothing else to do but watch Netflix and have sex. Now we actually go out to places, have social gatherings and introduce them to our friends."

...For many polyamorous people, the transition back to dating is as difficult as stopping in the first place. Partners express increased intensity in feelings of jealousy or anxiety after a long period without change.

"We're all trying to put the constellation of our relationships back together while still being mindful that most of us are different than we were a year ago," says Rachel, an Atlanta-based queer and polyamorous dater....

●  Someone who never imagined that poly relationships would work for her found herself in the middle of them working: I am in a polyamorous relationship with my boyfriend and his girlfriend (HuffPost, April 23, recently reprinted other places). 

I never planned on it, but it’s where I am, and more and more it feels like family.

Placebo365/ Getty

By Rebecca Jane Stokes

For the past two years, I have been the third member of a polycule ... a cute name for a network of people who are connected through their romantic partners in a polyamorous relationship. In our case, my boyfriend has a girlfriend. She is not my girlfriend, but we do get along really well.

When I started dating my boyfriend, I was on the rebound. ... His profile was direct. He was in a polyamorous relationship with his live-in girlfriend of eight years. That was something Becca the Serious Dater would have viewed as a dealbreaker. But Becca on the Rebound thought, “Eff it, we won’t be together long enough for any of that to even matter.” ...

The joke was on me: Rob and I connected in a real way, and we decided to give the relationship a shot. I learned really fast that to Rob ― and to any polyamorous person worth their salt ― openness and communication are key. To that end, it was important to Rob that I meet his other girlfriend pretty quickly. After about a week of dating, he invited us both out to dinner where we got to know each other.

I anticipated a weirdness like none I had ever known before … but it didn’t happen.

I kept telling myself that the second this felt strange or bad I was done. It’s a mindset I still keep, and I’m still waiting to feel like this is all too much for me. Feels like I’ll be waiting a while! ... I’m living the non-monogamous life, and to be honest, it’s pretty different from what I expected.

I like to describe non-monogamous living as an umbrella. That umbrella covers all sorts of people who engage in anything other than monogamous relationships: swingers, polyamorists, those in open marriages, those in open relationships and more.

...When I stay at his place, I sleep in the same bed with him and his other girlfriend. He’s in the middle (in utter heaven). We all think female-male-female threesomes are hot, and we do from time to time have sex all together, though it’s more common for us to have sex separately, if adjacently, to each other.

We are all allowed to date whomever we want to date. If we are going to have sex with someone with whom we aren’t in a committed relationship, condoms are a must. If we plan on beginning a relationship, we introduce that person into the dynamic relatively quickly ― it just works easier for us. ... This is the relationship that works best for me, and I’ll talk about this stuff to anyone who will listen. 

...I have to say that when I want to talk about my boyfriend, I feel exceptionally spoiled to have another woman I can turn to WHO TOTALLY GETS IT! AND HIM! ...

Notice how she called polyamory just one thing under the umbrella of consensual non-monogamy, alongside "swingers, those in open marriages, those in open relationships, and more."

Good for her. I'm a lifelong word person; since 1973 the world has paid me a good living to edit text to be more precise, clear, and incisive. So I was long concerned that as the polyamory movement grew and popularized, the meaning of "polyamory" could blur and come unmoored from our movement's powerful ideas, leaving no word to google them by.

I'm less worried now, because media new and old — under the watchful tutelage and corrections by so many of you! — have been trained to get the concepts right: if it's polyamory it's fully informed, fully consensual, ands carries an ethos of mutual respect and good will throughout a romantic network, at least as the ideal. Nowadays the media usually get this right by themselves.

●  For instance, Lifehacker is a popular site for everyday shortcuts and explanations: The Difference Between Polyamory, Swinging, and an Open Relationship (May 21)

By Sam Blum

...Polyamory “is a form of consensual non-monogamy (CNM) with emotionally intimate relationships among multiple people that can also be sexual and/or romantic partners.”  The whole enterprise functions according to “shared agreements about sex and relationships” between the people [says ] Elisabeth Sheff...  “Dating as a polyamorous person means you’re not looking for just one person to share a romantic or sexual connection with.”  Obviously, this dynamic necessitates a lot of trust, communication, and consent between all parties. If jealousy starts to arise, which is understandable for most people, it’s likely to erode the trust necessary for such an arrangement to function, so experienced poly people in successful relationships become great at communicating what they want and need from everyone involved. ...

Open relationships are a bit different, in that the term usually applies to [less intertwined] sexual endeavors. ... Typically, open relationships function according to strict rules . ... 

Swinging typically involves a monogamous couple searching together for a sexual partner who isn’t involved in their relationship. ... Swinging can be a lifestyle unto itself. And in fact, many of its adherents refer to it as exactly that. ... While it definitely borrows some aspects from open relationships, swinging is purely transactional and, as a result, naturally thrives within its own particular communities.

“Swingers are typically heterosexual couples and individuals with a variety of forms of ‘swapping’ or exchanging partners.” ...

While all of these relationship categories are contingent upon the preferences of those involved, there’s one overarching theme uniting them: Trust. It’s imperative to be respectful and get the consent of everyone involved in any relationship, no matter how many people are involved. 

See also Words matter: Polyamory vs. open relationship vs. monogamish vs. CNM.

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And some random bits:

●  Sign of the times: Investment News, for financial planning advisers, presents An Atlanta adviser takes pride in serving polyamorous clients overlooked by traditional planners (Aug. 13).

●  Sara Valta, Finnish cartoonist whom we have seen before, has started a weekly autobiographical Polyamory Comics about her communal vee. That link is to the English version, but she's got a book of them coming out in Finnish.

BTW, the Queer Comics Database has a polyamory tag, though it's often applied for flimsy reasons.

●  So it's not just me and mine! I ran across this from Page Turner of Poly.Land: Most of the Polyamorous People I Know Are Some Degree of Demisexual (Jan. 4).

● The British tabloids, as they churn out endless happy-polyfamily profiles, aren't always just spotlighting the young. A middle-aged and elderly triad (56, 45 and 69) got featured in the Daily Mail: Woman who lives with a polyamorous couple reveals she has a 'sex contract' that schedules sex with the man on set week nights, his girlfriend on a Friday and dates as a trio on Mondays. They're in Portland, Oregon:

Cliff, Melanie, Charity

And okay... for the record... here some of the many other tabloid profiles since my last batch. I've long since quit trying to keep track of them all.

–  Polyamorous man who lives with his two girlfriends admits their families feared he was 'exploiting them for sex' - but insists their two-year relationship is 'based on love'. They're in Indiana.

–  Married couple with five kids form a polyamorous throuple with a woman they met on Facebook after 16 YEARS together - and she is now pregnant with their sixth child. These are in California.

–  Couple who introduced anther woman into their ten-year relationship reveal trolls tell them they'll 'go to hell' for being part of an 'immoral' throuple. They're braving it out in the Dominican Republic.

–  Woman who fled an arranged marriage and moved in with married friends ends up falling for them BOTH - and they now live as a polyamorous throuple sharing four kids together. Originally from India, they're now settled in Indiana.

–  Inside the fascinating life of California woman who raised a son with TWO live-in lesbian lovers in the early 1900s after marrying a man to get pregnant. A California man found a century-old family photo and investigated his unusual forebears. He said he "wanted to shed light on lesbian erasure in family histories."

That's it for now. Love to you all.

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Words matter: Polyamory vs. open relationship vs. monogamish vs. CNM...

Vero Romero/ Refinery29

It's not just that I'm a wordie by trade. I'm a stickler about accurate use of polyamory because when an idea gets its own word, the idea becomes thinkable and transmissible and real. But only as long as the word keeps its meaning. George Orwell had a lot to say about that: Political leaders who can blur what words mean can control not only what people are able to say, but what people are even able to think.

So I've long feared that if we ever lose our defining word to widespread misuse, such as if it comes to mean plain old screwing around, we will lose not only our ability to google and discover each other, we will lose the growing public understanding of what ethical, honest polyamory is all about. And even our own self-identity.

So last month when someone posted this question on Quora, I answered.

Q. Do the words Polyamory and Promiscuity mean essentially the same for all intents and purposes?

A. No. Polyamory is one type of consensual non-monogamy (CNM to sociologists) — the type in which people have multiple romantic-love relationships with the full knowledge and consent of everyone involved.

Other types of CNM include swinging (recreational sex, usually by couples at swing parties) and open relationships (where the additional relationships tend to be more compartmentalized than in polyamory, and often less deep). As the name implies, polyamory means multi-love. Sex is usually an important part of the picture but not always; some poly relationships are platonic.

Polyamorous arrangements may sometimes become group relationships, such as triads, quads, polyfamilies, or more often, looser intimate networks. Whether or not this happens, a defining characteristic of polyamory is an ethic that, to at least some degree, “We’re all in this together,” and that everyone involved needs to display, at minimum, respect and consideration for everyone else. "Open relationship" does not carry this implication.

A recently coined distinction that many find useful is kitchen table poly, suggesting a bunch of lovers and metamours happily gabbing over breakfast, versus parallel poly, in which the relationships are more separate, overlapping common ideas about open relationships.

Consensual non-monogamy itself is one type of non-monogamy in general — a larger category that also includes cheating and, for singles, simply dating around.

[Edited since original post.]

My concern has lessened in recent years. The expanding poly community has held pretty firmly to its defining identity while remaining friendly with the other flavors of CNM, which define themselves as they like. And of course there are many overlaps and partial cases.

And the media? They're often obtuse about matters that are off their beaten path, but they've been surprisingly good about getting this one mostly right.

I'm sure this is because of our community's diligence in representing poly accurately and calling out ignorant misuses of the word when we see them. Thank you, dear people!

So here's a collection of how media have been defining poly and other branches of CNM in the last year or so. They range from sort of okay to spot-on. How would you grade them? This is long; settle in.


● In the feminist Refinery29: Swinger, Monogamish, & 6 Other Words For Open Relationships (May 10, 2019). My grade: A.

By Kasandra Brabaw

When you're taking your first timid steps into the land of open relationships... you'll likely be inundated with a whole new lexicon of terms. ...They each have a different meaning and set of rules attached. So, which word is right for you and your boo's new situation?...

Swinger: A swinger is someone who has multiple sexual relationships outside of their primary romantic relationship(s). Swingers usually don't have emotional connections to people outside of their romantic relationship(s). Some swingers have sex only with close friends (friends-first swinging), and some have sex with strangers or go to swing clubs for the purpose of finding sex with other swingers.

Open relationship: "Open relationship" is sometimes used as an umbrella term to describe any relationship that isn't sexually and/or romantically monogamous, including polyamory. Open relationship is also sometimes used to describe non-monogamous relationships that aren't polyamorous, meaning that people are allowed sexual experiences outside of their relationship but not love or romance.

Monogamish: Sex columnist Dan Savage coined the term "monogamish" to mean "mostly monogamous with a little squish around the edges."...

Polyamorous: The roots of the word "polyamory" literally mean "many love," and that's an accurate description. Polyamorous relationships are different from most other open relationships because it's the intention of partners in a polyamorous relationship not only to have sex outside of their primary partnerships, but also to find love.

There are many variations of polyamorous relationships. Some are poly and closed, meaning that the group has decided not to have sex with or find relationships with anyone else. Some are poly and open, meaning partners in the group could still have outside sex and relationships. Some include just three people, some include many different people. Some can have all partners on equal footing and some consist of a primary relationship with secondary relationships branching out from there.

Ethical Non-monogamy: Ethical or responsible non-monogamy can describe pretty much all open and polyamorous relationships. It is a term that sets these kinds of relationships apart from cheating by demanding that every partner in an ethically non-monogamous relationship know and agree to their partner's outside sexual ventures. ...

Polyfidelity: Polyfidelity is one form of polyamory, and could also be called a closed polyamorous relationship. Polyfidelitous relationships involve more than two people, but don't allow for partners in the relationship to have sex or relationships with people outside of the already established group. ...

Polygamy: The roots of the word polygamy means "many marriage." So, people in a polygamous partnership will have multiple spouses or be one of multiple spouses. ...

Relationship Anarchy: While polyamorous relationships thrive on guidelines and "rules" for the partners involved [Sometimes, sometimes not! –Ed.], relationship anarchists believe that there should be no rules or expectations in any kind of relationship, nor that any one type of relationship holds precedence over another. A relationship anarchist might see a platonic friend as having the same level of importance as a sexual partner, for example. And they wouldn't feel constrained to monogamy, because they believe that everyone should be able to seek relationships spontaneously.

● Earlier on Refinery29, by the same author: What's The Difference Between Polyamory & An Open Relationship? (Jan. 30, 2018). I give this one an A+.

...When consensual non-monogamy started to finally get some screen time in popular shows like Broad City, more and more people were suddenly having conversations about polyamory and open relationships.

...But the show didn't show a polyamorous relationship. Even though both fall under the umbrella of consensual non-monogamy, polyamory and open relationships are two very different things.

Lula Hyres

For many people, being polyamorous is an important part of their identity, not just a word to describe having multiple sexual or romantic partners at the same time. "Being polyamorous feels hard-wired to their love-lives," says sexuality educator Aida Manduley, MSW. Meanwhile, people in an open relationship don't necessarily think of non-monogamy as part of their identity as much as a personal preference.

...[But] the main difference comes down to commitment. For people in an open relationship, connections made outside of the relationship are usually just about sex. They're not looking for another person to love or build a second relationship with, and they likely wouldn't introduce the people they have sex with to their primary partner. "Open relationships are more likely to have a 'don't ask, don't tell' rule....

Meanwhile, the word "polyamory" literally means "many loves" and that's a good working definition. Instead of just looking for sex outside of their primary partnership, poly people are often looking for love. It's not about having one night stands with your partner's permission, it's about creating deep emotional and romantic bonds with multiple people and forming a tight-knit community. It's more of a culture in that way, says Kate Stewart, a counselor and dating coach who works with polyamorous couples. The poly community in Seattle, where she lives, is incredibly close. "Everyone knows each other, they hang out together, they party together," she says. ...

So, why are the nit-picky differences between these two words so important? Because words have power in creating and finding community. That's also why it's important to have accurate depictions of polyamory on television and in other forms of media, because so many of us begin to understand who we are through what we see. If there's nowhere for polyamorous people to see a love that looks like theirs (or at least, the kind of love they want to have), then it's unlikely that they'll ever find the community they need.

● Says bi poly writer Zachary Zane in Prevention, a health-supplement magazine: What’s the Difference Between Ethical Non-Monogamy, Polyamory, and Open Relationships? (June 11, 2019). I give it a B+.

Getty

...People aren’t just in open relationships, they’re in polyamorous, swinging, polyfidelitous, and monogamish relationships too. (And that’s just the tip of the iceberg. ...)

The distinctions [are] necessary to differentiate the important nuances between each type of sexual and romantic connection. ...

Ethical non-monogamy is an umbrella term for all types of relationships that aren’t monogamous, meaning it includes every single defined term below. The word “ethical” is thrown in to make it abundantly clear that non-monogamy differs from cheating and lying to your partner. ... [False. "Non-monogamy" means everything that's not monogamy — by definition! — including cheating.]

Open relationship. Most simply, an open relationship is one where you can sleep with folks outside of your primary relationship or marriage. People in open relationships typically keep their relationships with others strictly sexual. They’re not trying to date or fall in love with another person — although that sometimes can happen — which can complicate things. ...

Swinging falls under the larger “open” umbrella, but has more specific guidelines. As Gigi Engle, a certified sex coach and educator, tells Prevention.com: “Swinging is when a committed couple engages in sexual activities with others as a form of recreation. ... It's an activity a couple does together and is usually considered part of their shared sex life.”

Monogamish. ...Relationships that are, for the most part, monogamous, but allow for little acts of sexual indiscretion (with the partner’s knowledge). Folks in monogamish relationships don’t often have sex outside the relationship. When they do, it’s usually when one person is out of town for work. The sexual flings with others are, for lack of a better word, meaningless. ...

Polyamory. ...Those who are in a polyamorous relationship have an intimate, romantic, and/or sexual relationship with more than one person. [People can also] claim the poly label because they want to make it clear that they are open to the idea of loving more than one person at a time — and so too are their partners. ...

With ethical non-monogamy, things can also change over time. What starts as an open relationship can evolve into a polyamorous one. Or, after years of being polyamorous, you and your partner can decide you’d like to go back to being monogamous, or something else entirely. ...

● In Men's Health at your supermarket checkout: Everything to Know About Non-Monogamous Relationships, Including Polyamory, Open Relationships, and More (April 24, 2019). Grade: B-.

By Charlotte Grainger

...It can be hard to get your head around the labels, and how they actually play out in practice. ... Sexologist Stella Anna Sonnenbaum walks Men’s Health through the different types of non-monogamous relationships and what makes them unique.

PeopleImages/ Getty

Open Relationships. ... The term is not as clear-cut as it may sound. In fact, it can actually be applied to a variety of relationship styles, all of which have one oh-so-important thing in common.

“It means that you are not in an exclusive relationship with your partner,” Sonnenbaum explains. “It usually refers to sexuality, so either one or both partners have the option to have sex with other people outside of the relationship.”

...Monogamish partners are mainly monogamous in their sexual choices. However, as the name suggests, they may both be willing to stray from this when the mood takes them. ... “What we say in monogamish relationships is, ‘I choose to be with you. I may have sex with other people, but I choose to put you first.’”

"Swinging" may conjure images of fish bowls filled with car keys, but it doesn't have to be that way. The contemporary incarnation of this relationship choice could mean a range of things, including having a long-term arrangement with another couple. ... [In fact, long-term pairs of swinging couples sometimes become poly quads in all but what they call themselves. –Ed.]

Polyamory. This type of non-monogamous relationship style allows partners the freedom to have multiple romantic and sexual relationships at the same time.

"It could be a couple having romantic and sexual bonds with other people outside of the relationship, but it could also be a single person who has multiple romantic and sexual relationships...,” Sonnenbaum says. Every polyamorous situation is a little bit different. Here, four polyamorous people explain what their love lives are like.

Hierarchical Polyamory. But wait just a minute — what about setting some ground rules here? Well, that’s where hierarchical polyamory comes into play. This next choice means that couples decide which of their relationships is their major focus, i.e. the ‘primary relationship,’ but can still have other relationships outside of that.

Polyfidelity ... may sound a lot like polyamory, [but] while polyamory is considered an "open" relationship style, polyfidelity is "closed," in that the multiple people involved do not have relationships with people outside their group. [Actually, polyfi is almost always considered a subset of polyam, not a separate thing.]

Relationship Anarchy ... throws the rulebook straight out of the window. Yes, relationship anarchy is just that: an entirely open sexual situation. In short, people can have sexual and romantic interactions with whoever they want and ditch the labels. ... [Actually, RA is a developed philosophy that individualizes all relationships, from sexual to birth-family to work-related. See the first bullet item above.]

● On Page Turner's ever-insightful Poly.Land:  What’s the Difference Between Polyamory & an Open Relationship? (April 1, 2019). Gets an A+ for combining linguistic precision with real-world flexibility.

Q: I have been thinking of something for the past week or so, and it has been scratching at my mind and I’m not really sure why because I don’t really care about labels. ...

A: When you talk about “open relationships,” there are a couple of ways of looking at it. In one view, “open” is a modifier of relationship, explaining whether the people involved are allowed to have additional partners. So in a certain sense, all relationships are either open or closed.

patchok/ CC BY

Polyamory (except for polyfidelity, a form of non-monogamy where people have more than one partner but can’t seek new ones) is a form of relationship that is open.

So polyamory is a form of open relationship.

However, “open relationship” is also used as a phrase colloquially by some people to describe relationships that are sexually open but not emotionally open.

...But not all people who are saying that they’re in “open relationships” are polyamorous. Which might make it so polyamorous people could find it less helpful to identify themselves as being in an open relationship (although in a technical sense they are, since their relationships aren’t closed). ...

Descriptive Versus Prescriptive Labeling

In general, I take the stance that there isn’t necessarily objectively one right label to use in any given situation. Instead, the right label is a matter of who you’re talking with and what you’re trying to communicate to them. This is known in linguistics as being descriptive about labeling rather than prescriptive. ...

● In The Independent, one of the UK's leading newspapers: What Is Polyamory and How Does It Work? (Nov. 5, 2018). The Independent may excel at government and politics, but this piece gets a C- for klutziness overall. Relevant bits for our purposes here:

By Chelsea Ritschel

...Polyamory, which is defined as loving more than one person, is often mistakenly considered the same as an open relationship — which is not always the case.

In reality, polyamorous relationships are unique in that they are comprised of multiple, loving partnerships.

For some people, a polyamorous relationship involves being in a relationship with multiple people, but having one main partner. For others, polyamory is the possibility of being in two completely separate relationships.

“The fundamental philosophy of polyamory is that sexual love shouldn’t be confined to the strictures of monogamy, but expressed freely and fully,” Winter told The Independent. “Another tenant [sic] of polyamory is that both individuals know of their partner’s lovers."

While the boundaries in polyamory are different from monogamous relationships, they do still exist — whether by defining who can enter into a relationship or putting limits on how much time can be spent with each partner. [The more of this the worse your chances of it working! –Ed.]

“On one hand, polyamory removes the secrecy and betrayal of trust that surrounds an affair,” she said. “On the other hand, managing compersion (finding joy from a loved one's pleasure in another) is the stumbling block that trips up most polygamists [sic].”

How is polyamory different from an open relationship?

In polyamorous relationships, it is not completely about sex, whereas an open relationship is typically defined as having outside sexual relationships that do not form into relationships.

With polyamory, the point is to have multiple relationships — as love and emotional connections are the driving forces. ... [At least she got that part basically right, though reality is not always so simple.]

● In the Irish Examiner, in Is fidelity old school, as – it appears – open relationships become more common? (Jan. 9, 2019):

...Polyamory in all its ethical-non monogamy shouldn’t be confused with having an open relationship. In the latter, sex with others is part of the package. Falling in love is not. ...

● On a site called The Manual: What Is Polyamory and How Does It Work? (undated, 2019)

Kitchen table (Caiaimage/Paul Bradbury/Getty)

...An open relationship tends to have the most rules in order to preserve the core relationship. Rules can range from not sleeping with friends, to restricting queer/pansexual/bisexual people, to only dating people of their gender.

...Polyamory tends to focus more on romantic relationships, but it can include casual partners. The main schools of polyamory are hierarchical, anarchic, egalitarian, and solo-polyamory. ... [Which the story goes on to describe.]

● On Quora, Michael Rios of Network for a New Culture brought a deeper perspective when answering What is the difference between open marriage, swinging and polyamory? They look the same on the outside. (Nov. 4, 2018)

...Polyamory is really about creating a chosen extended family, without the restrictions of sexual exclusivity. This creates an open field for emotional intimacy with each person who becomes part of your chosen family; and new relationships, whether or not they are sexual, are not seen as a threat to existing relationships.

Most of these relationships are likely to also be sexual partnerships at one time or another. But at any given time, some will have a sexual dimension, others haven’t yet, others never will (and this is known by both persons), and some were sexual partners, but no longer are. ...

● In Women's Health, What's the Difference between a Polyamorous and an Open Relationship? (April 2, 2018). The article merits an A; this is just one bit:

For once, the ambiguity of this overused stock photo is relevant to the story. (Getty)

 
By Kristin Canning

...While the two share some similar characteristics, they’re very different. “An open relationship is one where one or both partners have a desire for sexual relationships outside of each other, and polyamory is about having intimate, loving relationships with multiple people,” says Renee Divine, L.M.F.T., a sex and relationships therapist in Minneapolis, MN.

Both open and poly relationships are forms of consensual non-monogamy, and technically, polyamory can be a type of open relationship, but expectations tend to be different when it comes to these relationship styles.

Are you looking for more love or more sex? ...

● Carol Queen describes a more realistic (that is, "descriptive") fluidity in the open-vs-poly distinction, as quoted in the Daily Dot: What it takes to make an open relationship work" (July 13, 2018). Overall, grade A. Two pieces of it:

GoodFreePhoto/Creative Commons  (CC-BY)

...“An open relationship is basically any relationship that isn’t undergirded by expectations of monogamy and exclusivity,” author and sexologist Carol Queen told the Daily Dot. “They can take many forms, and can range from casual ‘friends with benefits’ connections to solid, lasting (and non-monogamous) relationships.”

...“Some open relationships are more casual, but others are very deep and committed.”

Polyamory, which translates to “loving many” is one way to be open. ... “Polyamory is generally understood to involve people engaged in more than one relationship in a way that’s consensual, negotiated, ongoing to some extent, and honest....”

Queen says some poly folks view various partners as an extended family. “Think a big Thanksgiving dinner full of everyone’s lovers and lovers’ lovers,” she says. “Others keep their other partnerships more separated.”

Regardless of the way a person approaches polyamory, the unifying theme is loving relationships. Polyamorous people aren’t just having casual sex with different people at the same time. Instead, they’re establishing multiple, emotionally invested partnerships with all participants’ full knowledge and consent.

● In the feminist online mag Bustle, Lea Rose Emery explained things this way in her introduction to 13 People On Reddit Share Why They're In An Open Relationship (June 4, 2018). A for clarity.

While open relationships can involve being romantically and emotionally monogamous, with the freedom to explore sexually, polyamory is a type of open relationship that's typically about having long-term, multiple meaningful relationships with people.

According to Poly-Coach, polyamory is often associated with the idea of being "in love" with more than one person, which open relationships aren't always, even if there may be some level of emotional connection. Although Poly-Coach emphasizes that every poly or open relationship will be shaped by the people in that relationship. ...

● Getting your definitions of "open" and "poly" right is crucial when you're dating, but that's only half of it. The other half? Making sure you each understand the other's definitions!

How? Ask. And ask in practical terms; don't be theoretical or you're liable to get book-learning in response. Instead ask, "How do you do poly?" Then listen very carefully. If you hear a deal breaker, be ready to accept that you've just heard a deal breaker.

Elite Daily posted How To Write A Dating App Bio For An Open Relationship That's Fully Transparent (May 7, 2018):

By Annie Foskett

I cohost a podcast about dating. ... I spoke to relationship coach specializing in open relationships Effy Blue, and licensed psychotherapist and dating coach, Shaina Singh, LCSW about the right way to introduce an open relationship when using dating apps. ...

BE CLEAR ABOUT WHAT YOU MEAN BY "OPEN RELATIONSHIP"

While the words are often interchanged, being in an open relationship and being polyamorous can mean two different things. "Open relationships are relationships that are not defined by sexual fidelity where the couple mutually agrees to have sexual relationships beyond the dyad [pair]," explains Blue. "Some people use 'open relationship' and 'polyamory' synonymously. Open relationships being only about sex outside the relationship and polyamory being multiple romantic and loving relationships pursued simultaneously." She adds that it is important to have a conversation to understand what a person means by "open relationship," as there are multiple definitions.

Be honest with a potential partner about exactly what you and your current partner's arrangement is. ... "A good way to handle these initial conversations is to invite potential dating partners to have a conversation about what your open relationship means to you. The key is to invite rather than impose."

If you're new to open relationships, or if you've matched with someone whose bio mentions an open relationship, and you're not sure if you're ready to be in one, take a look at Effy Blue's 7 Tips for Dating In Open Relationships. It's a free download that will help you navigate the language around opening a relationship up on dating apps. ...

● Finally, for completeness of the record, here's an earlier post on media definitions of polyamory that I did a year ago.

I'm not obsessive, oh no, not me.

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The definition of "polyamory," and more media getting it right

My last post, about the Independent article "Straight men need to stop using polyamory as an excuse to manipulate women into casual dating" and others like it, stirred up a swarm of reactions on Facebook and Reddit pro and con.

Some people told colorful tales of sleazebags who had no interest in honest loving relationships using "poly" bafflegab on women. One told of visiting a bar where a pickup-artist class exercise was in progress, with an obvious row of nervous males approaching, one by one when it was their turn, each incoming unaccompanied woman and trying to impress her with hip-sounding polyamory buzztalk. Other readers described offenders against the word who were more clueness than scuzzy.

And there some outraged butt-hurts, who defended their right to use the word however they want regardless of what other people think it means, and if women are going to be so anti-male about it they're nasty SJWs, so there.

As the photo caption at the top of the article said: "If men have no interest in a serious relationship, and are looking to casually date multiple people, that is absolutely fair and their choice, but that is not polyamory." Which is multiple loving relationships (poly-amory, right?), which means (per the word's inventor, the Oxford English Dictionary, and all the informal online dictionaries the author found) "close emotional relationships" and "with the knowledge and consent of all partners concerned."

So it's valuable to have more media coverage like the following, which appeared a few days ago in Canada's very mainstream CBC News, Newfoundland edition:

Melanie Lynch and Alex Wilkie are a polyamorous couple.

For these young romantics, 3 (or more) is the perfect company

Group offers support for people in or seeking polyamorous and non-monogamous relationships

CBC News

With big smiles and youthful faces, Melanie Lynch and Alex Wilkie look like an average happy couple on social media, head over heels in love.

While the smiles are real and the love is genuine, this couple does not have your average relationship.

They are polyamorous — meaning that while they live together, they also date other people.

"No one is cheating here," Lynch said. "Everyone is on the same page, there's good communication constantly. Partners are always talking."


The couple is part of a support group, started on Facebook, to help guide people who are either in a polyamorous or non-monogamous relationship, or who are interested in the lifestyle.

It's a mystery to the common person, Wilkie said, and something that draws a lot of curiosity.

"I think that's why we have a support group in the first place," said Lynch. "There's a big stigma against what we are doing."

Lynch and Wilkie entered into the relationship with the goal of being polyamorous. ...

..."You have to talk about a lot of hypothetical situations that you normally wouldn't have to think about," Wilkie said. "Like, if you're going on a date with somebody, is it OK if you went back to your apartment after?"

"We also have an excellent calendar together," Lynch laughed. "We're good at scheduling."

------------------

Jeff Anstey, another member of the support group, said his relationship works a little bit differently.

His partner is monogamous, but Anstey has dated other people throughout the course of the eight-year relationship.

"When we met, we were both pretty young," he said, noting they began a monogamous relationship by default. "That's kind of the way our culture is. People are taught from a young age those types of expectations, I guess, and it's kind of implicit."

But after three years together, they began talking about feelings they were having. At first they discussed a typical open relationship — seeking other sexual partners without a strong emotional connection.

Throughout their conversations, Anstey realized polyamory — something with more of an emotional connection — was more along the lines of what he was searching for.

He said his partner understands and respects his feelings, but doesn't feel the same way.

Even though his partner does not date other people, Anstey said that doesn't make him any less committed.

"Most people associate commitment with an exclusive sort of connection," he said.

"I'm very committed to my partner. We've been together for a long time … But that doesn't make feelings go away. That doesn't make, you know, other parts of who I am disappear." ...

...Lynch and Wilkie consider themselves "nesting partners," meaning they live together and intend to stay together but have other relationships, too.

"My other partner, I would refer to him as a satellite partner," Lynch said. "Someone who kind of comes in and out of my life in a different sense than Alex does."

Then there are situations where all partners are considered equals — these relationships commonly happen in groups of threes called triads.

..."Most people when you talk to them are genuinely curious," Wilkie said. "And they have a lot of questions, which is nice."

Read the whole article (April 10).


● Here's the CBC radio version: "On The Go" with Ted Blades, When One Partner's Not Enough. "Ted talks with three members of NL's polyamory and non-monogamous community" (18:12).

Writes Jef Anstey, one of the people interviewed, "This is the radio interview which the article was quoting from! It goes much more into depth; the article just snagged a few snippets."


● Elsewhere, appearing in the weekly Minneapolis City Pages:

Meet the Minnesotans finding love through polyamory

By Erica Rivera

Andy is in a relationship. Make that several.

Over the past three years, the 31-year-old divorced mother with a ballerina’s physique, septum piercing, and “R-E-A-D M-O-R-E” inked on her knuckles has had three male partners — and subsequent heartbreaks.

She also dates a young married couple and occasionally sleeps with another married couple. Once, both married couples and Andy went camping together, children in tow.

...MN Poly, a St. Paul-based meetup group, boasts more than 1,200 members.

...No two non-monogamous arrangements are exactly alike. People seek additional partners not just for sex but for affection, companionship, love, co-parenting, and socializing. These configurations require ongoing negotiations about appropriate partners, parameters of sex and dating, STD protection, and birth control.

Even the language non-monogamists use is carefully curated. Non-monogamy is an umbrella term; beneath it are myriad variations on the theme. Polyamory involves loving more than one person, with all the inherent emotional involvement and time investment. Sometimes polyamorous practitioners identify one partner as “primary,” creating a hierarchy to prioritize their many relationships.

[Other] non-monogamy subtypes [include]open marriage, [which] allows one or both spouses to have sex with other people, often in a friends-with-benefits-style arrangement. Cuckolding is a fetish, one in which a husband takes pleasure in his wife sleeping with other men; voyeurism is often involved. Swinging is a limited-time opportunity for couples to have sex with other people; post-coital contact is discouraged. (Among non-monogamists, there’s a joke that goes: “Swingers have sex; polyamorous people have conversations.”) As for polygamy? It’s the black sheep of the non-monogamy family, weighted with religious, consent, and power structure issues.

...“I keep dating these people that have never really heard of, or tried, or read any poly literature,” Andy laments. “I have to coach, educate, counsel, and date them.”

In Andy’s experience, men will often present as single when in fact they’re still coupled, however tenuously. She says some men are willing to try non-monogamy for the first time but can’t hack the honesty required for the arrangement to work.

While there have been several failures on the boyfriend front, Andy is happily dating a married couple, the wife a fashionable bookworm, the husband a beer enthusiast. She sees the couple weekly and speaks to them daily.

“I fall in love with them more when I see them together because I watch how much they love each other and well they run their lives together,” Andy says. “They counsel me. They’re the emotional, strong, foundational support in my life.”

...Karen* and Jim* are a couple who share a suburban home with Karen’s bisexual partner Rob*, where all three parent four teenagers together. Karen and Jim didn’t plan on having a non-monogamous marriage per se, though Karen often joked that it would be nice to have a wife around to help with the child-rearing and housework.

Fate introduced the couple to Rob....

...“It’s not a fear of commitment. It’s commitment, plus one,” [Karen] says. “Jim and I spent 20 years together monogamously and this is not a plug to fill a problem. This is something that the parts are greater than the whole and it would be sad to not take advantage of this opportunity for everybody’s life to be fuller, richer, better.”

Sex is a part of, but not the epicenter, of their arrangement. “It’s not as racy a story as all that. It’s about driving kids to practice or who’s going to be home any given night of the week,” Karen says. “We don’t have specific designated anything. It’s catch-as-catch-can, but we try to make sure that there’s a balance and that nobody’s getting nothing.” ...

The whole, very long article (February 28, 2017).

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