"How Polyamory Changed the World"

I'm at Loving More's Rocky Mountain Poly Living convention in Denver, sitting and typing amid a burble of happy, chattering polyfolks waiting for the next session to begin.

Bob McGarey (left), with Loving More's Robyn Trask
and Jesus Garcia on Friday night.

Last night longtime poly educator Robert McGarey gave a keynote talk. His Polyamory Communication Survival Kit (1999) was one of the first poly books published after the word was invented (now there are about 50), and it's as good as ever. He has long been on the board of the Association for Humanistic Psychology and just became its co-president.

He offered a broad, bold perspective on what we here at the conference, and you dear readers, have accomplished in the last couple of decades.

How Polyamory Changed the World

If your personal life or your feelings about yourself changed in a major way because you learned that polyamory existed and that there are other people in the world who are poly, raise your hand and keep it up for a minute.

[Most of the audience did.]

How has poly changed the world? Look around you. It has made an enormous difference in the personal lives of these people and the lives of thousands of others. There are stories all around us right here that attest to the impact on our personal worlds. But tonight we're going beyond those stories, to talk about the impact poly has had on the world writ large.

Poly has profoundly affected how the world views jealousy, Established Relationship Energy, and monogamism.

JEALOUSY

Before poly, jealousy was a terrifying emotion that destroyed countless lives. It was wielded as a weapon to control and manipulate. It was seen as justification for emotional and physical brutality. And most importantly, it was seen as an emotion over which we have no influence or control, an emotion which forces us to behave cruelly. For millennia, it was an emotion to be feared, suppressed, denied, or run away from. It was our enemy.

But poly gave an unexpected and profound gift to the world. Starting perhaps with Deborah Anapol, polys have begun to declare that jealousy need not be our enemy, but rather a key to understanding more about what is happening in the relationship and what to do about it.

For the first time in the history of the world, we have come to see jealousy in a different light. Because of poly, jealousy is no longer a dragon we must cower from or slay. It has now become a dragon we can train and make friends with. Poly gave the world a new way to deal with jealousy, and that's the first way it has changed the world.

ESTABLISHED RELATIONSHIP ENERGY

When I did my first workshop on New Relationship Energy vs. Established Relationship Energy, I had never heard anyone talk about Established Relationship Energy (or ERE) and its importance in poly relationships.

I would love to hear more people talking about ERE, because it's a powerful and often unrecognized force in poly relationships. Besides, it's awesome!

I had a married client come in who had fallen in love with a younger woman, and he desperately wanted to get divorced and start his life anew with her. He was deep in the throes of New Relationship Energy, NRE.

Over the last two years his NRE calmed down, and he has started to remember the profound connection he has with his wife from their decades together. He saw that the established relationship was uniquely and brilliantly valuable, even though it didn't have the pizzazz conferred by NRE.

The younger woman and my client are still connected, but he's no longer willing to destroy the connection he has with his wife. He enjoys the dazzling NRE but doesn't lose track of the support and comfort of ERE. He finally realized that NRE and ERE can live happily together, and it saved his marriage.

We as a culture are beginning to learn that we don't have to give up one type of love to have the other. That's another way poly is changing the world.

And finally, MONOGAMISM.

Monogamism is the fervent belief that monogamy is the only way to have a satisfying, lasting, ethical relationship. There are thousands of families in the U.S. right now that are in danger of exploding because one partner loves another person. That emotion creates a hazardous, unacceptable, intolerable situation that results in broken families, broken finances, and hearts that are broken for a lifetime and never recover.

It is simply not true that a human can only love one person at a time in an ethical way, and as we change that expectation in our culture, with the help of organizations like Loving More, we change the lives of thousands of people and create a more humane culture for future generations.

Poly directly confronts monogamism, and in the process opens up possibilities for love and connection that did not exist before. Poly provides an alternative that is more humane; an alternative that is bursting with possibilities and that allows us to be more fully alive.

SO, poly tames the dragon of jealousy, reminds us of the value of established relationships, and tears down the prejudice of monogamism. By attending this conference and continuing to create healthy, open relationships, YOU are how polyamory is changing the world. Thank YOU.

Robert McGarey, M.A., founded and runs the Human Potential Center in Austin, Texas, "which presents programs designed to spark the creativity, love and playfulness of the human spirit."

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Peter Singer on the future of polyamory

Here's one not likely to cross your radar elsewhere. In a Polish journal called Liberal Culture, Peter Singer, famous Princeton ethicist, is asked about polyamory and he declares for it, though with biological-determinist reservations that I think are overstated. He guesses that someday it may be adopted by up to 25% of the population.

Peter Singer is best known to the world for pointing out that despite appearances, humanity continues to become increasingly kind, moral, and civilized decade after decade. For instance, the average person on Earth is less likely to die by war or personal violence now than at any time in human history.

On polyamory, the migration crisis and right-wing populism

We meet Peter Singer in a Warsaw bookstore. The biography of Singer’s grandfather, “Pushing Time Away: My Grandfather and the Tragedy of Jewish Vienna”, has just been translated into Polish. Although the story’s main focus is on the changing fortunes of Singer’s family, it is often only a springboard to broader questions about ethical challenges we face now.

Emilia Kaczmarek: ...You revealed some very intimate facts about your family’s past. Your grandparent’s relationship started in a very unusual way. They were engaged in a relationship one would now call polyamorous. When I was reading your book, I had an impression that you were astonished by the lack of jealousy between them. Do you think it would be morally better if people could live in open relationships?

Peter Singer: I think it would. Certainly, people living in such relationships talk more openly about it than they used to, there is also more discussion about that in the media. It seems to work for some people, and I welcome that, but I’m not sure if it could work for everyone. I think that this feeling of jealousy might still sit pretty deep in a lot of people for reasons, which are rooted in our evolution.

So monogamy is rooted in nature rather than culture?

I am not sure if it’s more nature than culture, but there is definitely an element of nature in the idea that a man wants to know if the children he takes care of are actually his children, and in the fact that many women want to know if they can rely on their partner to help them provide for a child. In open relationships, the men can never be sure whose children they are raising.

Can you really explain people’s attitudes by this primal need to pass on their genes in times when so many of us decide not to have children at all, which leads to a serious demographic crisis in many developed countries?

What evolution has given us, is a strong drive for sex, not for having children. For 99.9 percent of human history, sex has led to reproduction. The desire for sex hasn’t gone away, but now we can have sex without reproducing. This is why it is completely understandable, from an evolutionary point of view, that nowadays people often choose not to have children. On the other hand, if men are going to care and support children, many of them do want the children to be theirs, in a biological sense.

So you don’t think that polyamory might provide a future model of love relationship in western culture?

I suppose it will become much more popular than it is nowadays, especially in advanced countries where societies aren’t very religious, but I would be surprised if it is adopted by more than, say, 25 percent of the population.

On the other hand, I don’t want to say that the current, typical model of a relationship will not evolve. The problem I mentioned before, the need to know who is the father, could be solved through genetic testing. So maybe in the future people will start to think: “Well, I don’t need to worry that she is having sex with other men because I can still find out whether her child is mine or not.” ...

Read the whole wide-ranging interview (July 27, 2017).

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Post Number 1,000: Poly being seen as a next cool thing... and some history

This is my 1,000th post to Polyamory in the News. So maybe it's time for a look back, and ahead.

When I began this project in 2005, the future of the poly movement didn't look so promising. Loving More magazine (printed on paper) and its conferences had been the movement's centerpiece since the early to mid-1990s, but Loving More had nearly collapsed after the departure of its sparkplug Ryam Nearing. Newspapers and other media rarely allowed the word "polyamory" to appear in stories — because, we were told, it was unknown to readers, technical-sounding, and not in the dictionary.

Few people had even heard of the concept. Those who did mostly thought "old hippies." An article around that time mused about whether this idea could ever attract more interest or was destined to remain a small, little-noticed corner of the human potential movement.

Nevertheless, things had advanced a lot since my last tries to advocate for group relationships in the early 1980s. At that time I'd given up on finding any kind of movement at all. When I came back in 2005 I was impressed by the quality of the new people who had picked up the ball and the sophistication of their ideas.

But the most active poly site I found was polyamory.livejournal.com with about 1,300 members. The internet gave the impression that the late 1990s had been the high point, or at least the start of a plateau. The breakup of one well-known quad threw much of the community into a panic of self-doubt, as was parodied in this comic.

So I never thought the movement would grow and mature as incredibly fast as it has in these last nine years.

In 2006, the well publicized entry of polyamory into dictionaries seemed to break the dam against the media using the word. As a result, interested people could find something to google. Meanwhile Loving More had gotten back on its feet, the Washington Post gave landmark coverage to Loving More's Poly Living conference in 2008, and in 2009 a big Newsweek feature stirred up national attention. "America's next romantic revolution," they called it. Activity seemed to be increasing everywhere (thanks, people!!). At the beginning of 2008 when Wired announced "Internet Pushes Polyamory to Its 'Tipping Point'," I wrote that we campaigners for poly awareness "sometimes get a sense that big things are actually starting to happen."

In October 2008, a National Polyamory Leadership Summit in New York brought 34 of the movements movers-&-shakers together for the first time. At its next big meeting in February 2009, with 62 attending, it changed its name to the Polyamory Leadership Network. Since then the PLN has enabled communication and networking among a large cadre of poly-awareness activists who had previously been fairly disconnected.

Since then the story has been all about growth and increasing confidence, much greater public awareness, and widening diversity and maturity. There are ever more websites and blogs, social groups and meetups, conferences and gatherings, advice and discussion sites (a few topping 20,000 members, one at 41,000 [update: Polyamory.com has 140,000]), a TV series, and so much media attention that it's become routine. There are now 40 nonfiction books about polyamory, 25 of them published in the last eight years. And we're seeing a demographic shift toward millennials, many of whom take the availability of the concept for granted.

What's next? The poly movement is just one part of wider changes in attitudes about relationships, especially a growing public interest in what sociologists are calling "consensual non-monogamy," or "CNM," in general. A much more dramatic shift, of course, has been the rapid public acceptance of gay relationships. Together these are part of a trend toward relationship choice: people gaining the knowledge and skills, and then seizing the right, to build their intimate lives as they choose.

Which, as Barry Smiler points out, is just another step in the 500-year arc toward freedom and personal agency that defines Western civilization. Which makes it look hard to stop.

---------------------------------

Here are some recent straws in the wind of people seeing the poly movement as the future. Some of them may be a little starry-eyed, but here you go.

● Huffington Post:

Are Unconventional Sexual and Romantic Relationships Becoming More Mainstream?

By Douglas LaBier

A recent Pew poll found that millennials have a steadily declining rate of marriage. There are several possible reasons for this, but I think it highlights a broader, changing reality: We're in the midst of a social and cultural evolution regarding the kinds of romantic, sexual and intimate relationships men and women seek and what they experience as fulfilling.

...For example:

Polyamory: The subject of an [sic] annual conference, polyamory relationships are those in which people have multiple partnerships at once with the full knowledge of all involved. A comprehensive report in LiveScience describes how jealousy works in polyamorous relationships, how children in polyamorous families experience them. It also explores several other new findings, including that some polyamorous people report feeling energized by their multiple relationships and say that good feelings in one translate to good feelings in others.

Open relationships: A variant of polyamory [sic], open relationships received some attention in the 1970s among young baby boomers... and looks like it's re-emerging in new form — now called consensually non-monogamous (CNM) relationships. In them, committed partners mutually agree not to be sexually and/or romantically exclusive to one another. Some recent research finds, for example, that up to 40 percent of men and up to 25 percent of women in a monogamous relationship said they would switch to a CNM if they lived in a world where everyone had open relationships. Currently, the research finds a continuum: some people are completely monogamous, others are completely nonmonogamous, and many more are somewhere in between.

Polygamy: Stretching the boundary even further, some suggest that polygamy will become increasingly accepted as a form of relationship in our society....

As our society, culture and world become increasingly co-mingled and diverse, we're witnessing a corresponding evolution in what men and women -- straight, gay; younger and older -- look for in the kinds relationship that they want to enter and build....

Read the whole article (Nov. 19, 2014).


● Things polyfolks can teach everyone, from the Psychology Today blogsite:

Stay Monogamous Using Polyamorous Principles

By Kristen Mark

We have recently seen public discourse challenge monogamy; messages noting it as unnatural, unrealistic, and breeding infidelity.... Others have provided evidence that polyamory may be good for you.

...What if couples who wanted to be monogamous could use some of the principles of polyamory in monogamy?

...Prevalence rates of consensual non-monogamy have been noted to be between 4% and 11% [2]. For people who are open to consensual non-monogamy, it works. Consensual non-monogamous couples report high levels of trust, communication, and satisfaction [3],[4]. But it isn’t for everyone.

A recent issue of Psychological Inquiry provided a number of scientific articles about the current state of monogamy and marriage. One paper in particular outlined how most of us are guilty of psychologically and emotionally suffocating our romantic partners in monogamous relationships [5]. Another offered a solution to this problem in the form of consensual non-monogamy [6]. Although their paper was incredibly interesting and made a great case for embarking upon a polyamorous relationship, its applicability may be limited to people who are open to consensual non-monogamy. And we know this isn’t the majority of people. So here is how these principles can be applied to monogamous relationships while retaining monogamy:

Don’t expect one person to meet all of your needs.

We expect so much from our partners. We want them to be our best friend, our confidant, our lover, caretaker, and a number of other things all at once. This isn’t possible to get from one person. Find other people to meet some of those needs. Lifting some of the weight from your partner can provide more room to be good at just a couple of those things....

Engage in open and honest communication.

One of the things people in consensual non-monogamous relationships do best is communicate. They have to.... This doesn’t just happen overnight....

Integrate some “space” into your relationship.

...When your partner is doing something where they exert their autonomy, it enhances the feeling of your partner being their own individual, which in turn may enhance desire.

...Integrating consensual non-monogamy principles into monogamous relationships offers the potential for some of the benefits of non-monogamy to be integrated into the lives of many.

Read the whole article with the references and other links (Nov. 14, 2014).


● The crucial role of poly pioneers, at Poly Peeps:

Early Adopters of Open Relating

The term early adopter refers to an individual who is amongst the first to try a new product, technology or service. In our context, it refers to the modern polyamorists; social pioneers who have found monogamy to be inadequate for their needs and who have found a polyamorous model more suited to their proclivities.

Early adopters are the trend setters. These are the individuals who were doing [insert activity here] before it was “cool” and “hip.” And they are eager to remind you of this, as if it were a badge of honor. And so it should be.

...The early adopters of polyamory are... actively seeking to find their own happiness instead of blindly following in the footsteps of prior generations. This group does deserve recognition and applause. These are the brave. These are the strong. These are the social pioneers. Others who follow do so in the trails that these early adopters forged when the terrain was much less tamed.

Who is an early adopter of polyamory? While polyamory has been practiced in its modern iteration for decades, the concept has still not achieved mainstream social acceptance and thus, is not yet “cool.” Of course those who actually engage in the practice know otherwise, but for this to expand to a more mainstream awareness, the early adopters will have to educate and inform the population.

If you are an early adopter, this responsibility falls on you, as it does on me. We possess knowledge and experiences that others are still only curious about. There will be those who become disillusioned with monogamy but will not understand what alternatives and choices they have....

It is not our role to overstep our boundaries, proselytize and impose our relating styles. But in the honoring of consent is where the duty to educate and inform springs forth....

The principles and practices we engage in will, decades from now, be traditions adhered to by future generations.

Read the whole article (Nov. 18, 2014).


● At Elephant Journal, "dedicated to the mindful life":

We Are What We Love: How Polyamory Can Change the World for the Better.

By Krystal Baugher

...For the longest time I’ve been grappling between the theory and the reality of polyamory, which is the idea of being in multiple intimate relationships. I remember the moment when I felt I could dive into the polyamorous lifestyle and I would come out okay in the end. It was actually while I was watching the movie Adaptation.... Two characters' conversation went something like this:

Donald: I loved Sarah, Charles. It was mine, that love. I owned it. Even Sarah didn’t have the right to take it away. I can love whoever I want.

Charlie: But she thought you were pathetic.

Donald: That was her business, not mine. You are what you love, not what loves you. That’s what I decided a long time ago.

...Even though bell hook’s book, All About Love: New Visions has an overall monogamous tone, I’d like to discuss why her theory and definition of love could, when combined with polyamory, actually transform the world into a much better place....

Read the whole article (Sept. 24, 2013).


● At A Black Poly Man:

Polyamory: The New Fad

Poly family, I'm worried. Polyamory has gained popularity over the last few years.... Mainstream society has finally begun to recognize that heterosexual monogamy might not work for each and every human being. So why am I worried?

Because I don't want this lifestyle to become a fad, a quick cash-in for the media sharks to utilize....

I'm conflicted on this issue as on the one hand I do want people who would identify as poly but have no idea that there is name and, better still, a community for them to join to know about it -- but I loathe the idea of the lifestyle being something for all the Abercrombie and Fitch crowd to "do" on their days off from nothing.... It won't help at all if it's the "hot new thing to try."....

The whole article (March 12, 2014).


● And this post by a mono-identified person to reddit/r/polyamory (23,000 members) just a few days ago:

For a long time, I just lurked in this subreddit and couldn't figure out why I enjoyed reading it so much. It dawned on me one day and decided I'd let you all know why you guys are top notch.

I don't know if it takes more emotional insight or empathy to have successful polyamorous relationships, but you all exhibit those qualities more than any other sub[reddit] I've come across. Some advice doesn't transfer, but the concepts do. I've learned so many things about all relationships -- not just romantic ones. If I'm speaking honestly though, I like coming here because you're all smart, well-versed, patient, understanding, supportive, and can communicate effectively. This sub is a breath of fresh air.

Riding a wave, we are! When is the other shoe going to drop? And when it does, what will be the cause of it?

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