"How Polyamory Became the New Normal" (it says). "Monogamy? In This Economy?" goes on tour. Smart symbiosexual unicorns. Best poly games. Baaad cops. And more.

●  How Polyamory Became the New Normal is the grabby title of a feature article in Canada's national newsmagazine, Maclean's (September print issue; online Aug. 26). The cover line is more modest: "The Proliferation of Polyamorous Relationships."

The article consists of five profiles of Canadian polyfamilies and how they got to be where they are, presented as first-person accounts. Excerpts:

Carmen Cheung and Richmond Lam / Maclean's

Polyamory is suddenly everywhere—and it’s changing the face of love, marriage and even child-rearing. Five intimate stories of non-monogamy.

By Rosemary Counter

For proof of polyamory’s move into the Canadian mainstream, look no further than our easternmost province. In 2018, a judge in Newfoundland and Labrador ruled that a polyamorous trio of two men and a woman were all legal parents to their child—ruling against the province, which had refused to list more than two parents. “Society is continuously changing,” the judge wrote, “and family structures are changing along with it.” In 2021, a British Columbia Supreme Court judge issued a comparable decision on behalf of a similar “triad” relationship.

...Though throuples dominate pop-culture depictions, polyamorous relationships come in endless shapes, sizes and configurations, comprising people of all ages, genders, orientations and identities. ...

...We spoke to polyamorous people about how they make their configurations work in practical terms. How do they negotiate child care, date nights and sleeping arrangements? How do they deal with the jealousy and confusion that can arise? Here are five Canadian families on what polyamory means in their lives and how and why it works for them. ...

The Long-Distance Lovers
By Tara Lynne Franco

I discovered polyamory seven years ago, in my mid-40s, quite by accident. ... 

I met my current partner, André, on OkCupid in 2017. Neither of us identified as polyamorous at the time. About a month into dating, during an intimate moment, André playfully suggested that it would be helpful to have an “extra set of hands.” I replied, “That would be hot.” That night, we set up a joint dating profile to see if we could meet someone. ...

...From there we branched out, attending lifestyle clubs and parties—which fall more into the “swinging” category than into committed polyamory. We met couples and then dated others independently. ... What André and I realized early on is that open communication is the foundation for successful and secure polyamory—we got a lot of practice navigating new situations, like when I was jealous of a girlfriend of André’s who I felt was “cooler” than me, or when one of us went on a vacation with a partner on their own, or just seeing the other person having a really good time with someone at a party.

We learned a lot over the past seven years. Given that André is a sex-positive psychotherapist and I’m a life and relationship coach, it seemed a natural fit to teach others what we’ve learned. We started with a Facebook community, then developed some programs and services and now our Let’s Talk Polyamory Podcast. We love seeing people thrive in their relationships. ...

The Co-Parents
By Warren Baird

...I met Blue in 1996, just after graduating from university. We were never totally exclusive, and about a year into our relationship, we decided we would be polyamorous. I don’t want to own someone, nor have someone own me.... In 2007, Blue got pregnant with our daughter, Kaia.

At the time, Blue was also in a close relationship with another partner, Jbash. We knew the dynamics would transform when a baby entered the picture, and he knew he’d need to step back or step in. ... The three of us talked carefully before we made our decision: we merged to form a single family unit, and together raised Kaia.

Since 2007, we’ve all lived together. ... JBash and I earned good incomes, but Blue didn’t work outside the home due to some health issues. Two incomes to three people is a much better ratio than one income to two. Living together meant we could afford a bigger home in a nicer neighbourhood, and pool money for expenses.

And just as having three incomes is better, so are three parents.... To Kaia, Jbash, whom I consider a co-husband of Blue’s, is “Papa” and I’m “Dad.” She’s never felt the need to explain our lives to anyone, and rarely even mentions it—half the kids she goes to school with have split families, and plenty have step-parents living in different houses. We must have done something right, anyway—she just graduated at the top of her class as valedictorian.

The Full House
By Sarah Jean Stewart

...That night, she surprised me by telling me that she and her husband were interested in dating me as a couple. I was even more surprised by Adam’s reaction: if I wanted to explore their proposition, he said, I shouldn’t stop on his account. So, for about six months, I dated my friend and her husband. It was a beautiful experience, but it was their first foray into polyamory and it didn’t last. ...

Then we found Jenn and Josh. ...

...In the span of less than a decade, I had gone from knowing very little about polyamory to having multiple partners: Adam, Jenn, Josh, Nick and Chris, though he lives in a different city so we see each other less often. There was a time in my life when I wouldn’t have considered that a healthy relationship, but being polyamorous has made me see that one person doesn’t have to fulfill all of my emotional and physical needs. It took me a long time to learn that. 

...Two years ago, we started looking for a house big enough to accommodate as many of us as possible, and last January, we moved into a big Victorian home near Ottawa. There’s me and Adam and our four-year-old son and my four daughters. There’s Jenn and Josh and their son Julian, who’s 21. And there’s PJ, a friend of ours who none of us are romantically involved with, but who’s part of the family. Adam and I share a bedroom, my teenage daughters share a huge room with bunk beds, PJ and Julian share a bedroom, and Jenn and Josh have their suite.

We’ve got the living arrangements down, but time management is a different story. We have a half-dozen Messenger threads going at any time and logistical meetings every day: where are the cars going? Who has what work to do? ...

It’s helpful to have so many people to share the financial load, but the biggest benefit is the sense of community. ... We’re surrounded by epic love, and that supports us through times that might otherwise decimate us. Living this way, and bringing up our families this way, is incredible. Even if we took the romance out, I wouldn’t go back.

The No-Secrets Polycule
By Silver Olatunde

...There was no big conversation about polyamory at the time. I knew he had other lovers; he knew I wanted to keep exploring. ... We also dated people together.

...Three years ago, we met Acintya and Pierre-Yves at a music festival, where Chris was doing sound and I was building outhouses. They were running the first-aid tent. ... It took a year and a half, but eventually we were all going out. We’re subtle and slow, so it took a while. Now we’ve met their children—five of them, from seven to 20 years old—and they’ve met my daughter.

...In the past, when we’ve gone through rough periods, we’ve made a point of not expanding our polycule—expansion means accommodating other people’s needs and desires, and if that isn’t happening in the primary relationship, it’s not likely to work by just adding more. If the timing isn’t right, we’ll wait. ... The primary relationship comes first—and we have a “no-secrets” policy, if only because we don’t have the capacity to lie.

Today, in addition to Chris and Acintya and Pierre-Yves, our polycule includes Chris’s Wife 1, albeit platonically. There’s also Chris’s previous lover Bexxie, as well as our newest love, Liah. We’ve known her for years, and it took her a long time to accept this side of herself. But it’s so important to allow people to be themselves on their own timeline. You make your own polyamory, and you define it every day.

The Reformed Monogamists
By Kristie Courtnell

...Denis’s profile said, “Full disclosure: I’m still living with my ex-wife, and we’re still friends.” That might have scared some people off, but to me it seemed refreshingly honest. ...

...We talked at length and tried different relationship dynamics to make things work—until eventually, he suggested monogamy. So, we closed the relationship and, for six months, we really tried. But it changed things. We were reluctant to express attraction to other people.... We couldn’t be ourselves. ... He gave me the monogamous relationship I thought I wanted, but it turned out I just wanted to know that our love was secure, and that I was enough. Two years ago, we opened it up again. We live together, so he’s my nesting partner, but we’re also dating Heather, with whom we’ve formed a throuple. She’s intelligent, athletic, well-travelled, free-spirited and beautiful.

Everything is different now. My insecurities are manageable. Denis gave me what I thought I wanted, only for me to realize that real security doesn’t come from any one relationship style. It comes from understanding ourselves and maintaining open communication with our partners.

●  Another good article with an overclaiming title: The story of Gen Z and the rise of polyamory; How values, openness, and digital savvy are transforming modern relationships. It's in WeHeart, an online magazine "exploring the intersections between art, design, lifestyle and travel." (Aug. 28)

It’s official: Gen Z is rewriting the rulebook on love, and monogamy is getting the boot. [Nope, monogamy will always be the right choice for many, maybe most. –Ed.]  Consensual nonmonogamy, an umbrella concept that includes polyamory, is gaining traction as it allows individuals to pursue multiple intimate relationships with the full knowledge and consent of all parties involved. The rise of polyamory is in full flow. ...

It goes on to be a long, helpful Poly 101, including smart warnings to newbies and not-so-newbies, but again it skips the promised cultural hows and whys.

● Two new books are just out:

Monogamy? In This Economy? Finances, Childrearing, and Other Practical Concerns of Polyamory, by Laura Boyle (Jessica Kingsley Publishers). Boyle is starting a multi-city book and speaking tour.

This, I predict, will become the must-have book around the house for polyfamilies and other cohabiting polycules. At 190 pages it's a condensed, outstandingly practical, often blunt handbook telling how a wide variety of poly households navigate the realities of living together with various different degrees of sharing. Boyle is an energetic and diligent writer (her first book was Ready for Polyamory, 2021) and a blogger, podcaster, activist, and personal coach. She has lived the non-mono life for over 17 years, has "built a large and caring local polyamorous community here in Connecticut," and is currently living solo while co-parenting her kids.

She didn't just draw on her own experiences. She surveyed 468 people who were or had been living in households of three or more adults, then did deeper-dive interviews with 128 of them. Their wide variety of experiences and solutions sometimes surprised even her.          

A rave review of the book comes from possibly the best-qualified person in America to pass judgment: Kathy Labriola, poly for more than 50 years and a specialist polygroup relationship counselor in Berkeley for most of those decades. She has seen it all. Many times.

From her review on her website: 

Anyone considering moving in with their polyamorous partners should read this book FIRST! In addition, those already living together in a polyamorous triad, throuple, quad or other polyamorous family unit could benefit from Laura Boyle’s no-nonsense approach. Her very practical book provides guidance on navigating the choppy waters of space, money, privacy, noise, landlords and rental agreements, shared mortgages, housework, parenting and custody arrangements, breakups, and ex-spouses.

These are key issues which have proven to be deal-breakers for countless polycules! So the sooner the better for each person to think these important core issues through, get clarity on what their needs are and what they can and can’t live with, and decide whether this particular group of people are compatible to live together as a family. Unfortunately, many poly configurations do not realize their areas of incompatibility until after they move in together and things quickly blow up.

(A wide-ranging interview with Labriola is up on the Evolving Love Podcast, Polyamorous for 50 Years: Kathy Labriola. [Aug. 16; 1 hr 06 min.])

Another review of the book comes from Amy of the Coffee and Kink site, including chapter-by-chapter breakdowns. It concludes,

All the way through, Boyle’s insights are peppered with real-life stories from some of her hundreds of interviewees. These bring the theory to life and show some of the real-world challenges, joys, and problem-solving that takes place in polyamorous families.

I found this book to be a fairly quick read, with mostly relatively short chapters. Plenty of subheadings break it up into bite-sized chunks. They also make it easy to find the exact information you’re looking for. Boyle covers a hell of a lot of ground in this relatively concise book. She also signposts to other resources where appropriate.

●  Next new book:  More Than Two, second edition: Cultivating Nonmonogamous Relationships with Kindness and Integrity, by Eve Rickert and Andrea Zanin (Thornapple Press) 

When the first edition of More Than Two appeared in 2014 it became the polyamory movement's biggest hit since The Ethical Slut in 1997. By 2021 it had sold almost 200,000 copies, even as co-authors Franklin Veaux and Eve Rickert went through a fraught and exceedingly public breakup. It left Rickert with second thoughts about some of the book's content and overall direction. And, in these ten years, the whole CNM landscape itself has changed a lot.

Her updated, second edition is just out, co-authored with Andrea Zanin, a queer and kink consent expert and activist and fellow Canadian. Its new direction is indicated by the new subtitle and symbolized by the cover art. 

In her introduction Rickert writes,

This book could not have existed without [co-author Zanin]. While the bones of the original are there, we've revised every bit of it, and added significant new content. The book you hold in your hands now is the culmination of ten years of unlearning and relearning, grief and heartbreak, unravelling and breaking and remaking. It's a triumph and an apology, an attempted righting of past wrongs and a prayer for the future, a tiny — and, I hope, humble — contribution to the vital project of love.

What's changed in its approach? In the "Finding Your Compass" chapter, Rickert and Zanin write

As nonmonogamous communities have moved toward more flexible models that prize autonomy and flexibility, some have arrived at a hyper-individualist, even capitalist approach wherein everyone is responsible for their own feelings, anyone can walk away at any time, and people are perceived to have no, or almost no, responsibility to others, even their closest intimates. This framework has been called poly libertarianism, and to be quite honest, a lot of it was encouraged by parts of the first edition of this book.  We believe that while some of these ideas are rooted in good principles, when they are not balanced with responsibility, they can lead to a lot of harm. 

In parallel, much of the organized poly world in the last 10 years has leaned toward the same shift in philosophy.

●  And a book on the way. You knew it was coming: Polyamory for Dummies will be published this December.

The publisher's description sounds like it might actually be okay. A good sign is that the author is Dr. Jaime M. Grant, a radical queer and sexuality book author, podcaster, and former policy institute director at the National LGBTQ Task Force. But the gigantic For Dummies franchise, owned by Wiley, has a reputation for very uneven quality. After the early Dummies books became a financial success, critics say, Wiley expanded the series way too fast at the cost of poor quality control.

Fingers crossed. It'll be hefty, 352 pages. 

● The local-polyfamily newspaper profile is a genre that never grows old. In the Minnesota Star Tribune: A gay, multi-ethnic, chicken-farming family is part of Minnesota’s emerging polyamorous community (Aug. 20, registration walled). The StarTrib, based in Minneapolis, is the state's largest newspaper and the eighth largest-circulation daily paper (digital plus print) in the US.

You might be able to get this kind of coverage just by calling your local paper and asking if they're interested!

In this case the reporter's interest was apparently piqued by the annual MNPolyCon in July.

"Bryan Demeritte, a Unitarian pastor and farmer, center, stands with his husband,
Deron Demeritte, right, and Joshua Rodriguez, left, on their Loving More
Farmstead in Waseca." (Nicole Neri / Minnesota Star Tribune)

By Richard Chin, feature reporter

Bryan and Deron Demeritte and Joshua Rodriguez don’t exactly make up a stereotypical rural household.

It’s true that they hunt and fish and raise chickens, fruits and vegetables on their 10-acre farmstead in Waseca, surrounded by fertile rolling fields of soybean and corn.

But Bryan, a full-time farmer and a part-time Unitarian pastor and seminary professor, describes Deron and Joshua as his two husbands.

Think of it as Green Acres, nonmonogamy style. Or polyamory among the chickens.

Bryan, 52, is white, a former teacher who grew up Baptist in Missouri. Deron, 38, is Black and originally from the Bahamas. He works as an industrial and commercial HVAC foreman and has been legally married to Bryan for 11 years. Joshua (who plans to change his last name to Demeritte) is a 24-year-old restoration company project manager. He’s mostly Latino and grew up in Boston as the son of immigrant parents from the Dominican Republic and El Salvador.

Joshua has been in a committed relationship with Bryan for five years. He and Deron consider themselves as brother husbands. ...

The three recently moved into their five-bedroom ranch house in the small southern Minnesota town as business and relationship partners in what they’ve called Loving More Farmstead.

Their spread includes three barns, a field of corn, four small vineyards, an apple orchard, a couple of geese and 72 juvenile Heritage chickens that will earn their keep laying eggs for market. They’ll be adding a market vegetable garden and begin raising sheep for lamb meat next.

There are other farmers of color. And other gay farmers. But Bryan said he doesn’t know of any other gay, nesting, polyamorous, multiracial farming households.

So far, the Loving More trio said they haven’t had any problems fitting into their rural community. “Were the happiest we’ve ever been,” Bryan said. “I think people in this Minnesota sense are very welcoming, but they also just leave you alone.” ...

-----------------------------------

...The local nonmonogamy group called MNPoly reports its membership has grown to more than 4,000 members, up from about 1,000 in early 2020. More than 100 people attended the nonprofit’s fifth annual convention, MNPolyCon, held this summer at a community center in St. Louis Park. ...

...Bryan Demeritte led a session called “Non-Monogamy 101″ in which he said terms like “ethical nonmonogamy” and “consensual nonmonogamy” are giving way to a simpler, nonjudgmental umbrella term: nonmonogamy. ...

Demeritte is writing a book to be published next year called “The More Love the Better,” which he said will describe nonmonogamy in the 21st century from the theological perspective.

“Someone you know is nonmonogamous,” Demeritte said. “It is becoming more and more mainstream. It’s time to let people be who they want to be and live the way they want to live.”

● Some lively family-of-origin drama made it to Reddit's "Am I The Asshole?" section and went a bit viral. On BoredPanda: Man Rejects Bride’s BFF’s Polyamorous Partners To Prevent Family Backlash, Receives An Ultimatum (Aug. 20). Spoiler: Amid the uproar, the AH admitted fault and it ends happily.

●  6 Best Games With Healthy Polyamorous Dating Options (GameRant, Aug. 23). "Not many [computer] games have managed to depict polyamory without bias, but a few titles take big strides in this regard. ..."

The chosen top six (with reviews) are the Hades franchise,  Pathfinder: Kingmaker,  Baldur's Gate 3,  The Waylanders,  The Sims 4: Lovestruck,  and Pumpkin Days. 

 
●  A discussion in the growing CNM-studies world has been started by Daniel Cardoso, longtime academic researcher and conference organizer from Portugal. Reframing the role of communication in consensual and/or ethical (non)monogamies: A proposal for a change in academic terminology (ver. 1) Online Aug. 5, 2024.

I argue that naming conventions are some of the most important – and dangerous – tools and acts that researchers have at their disposal and, thus, should be employed with the utmost care.

Considering the ongoing discussions – both inside and outside of academia – around the terms “consensual non-monogamies” and “ethical non-monogamies”, this essay proposes a novel solution to help create less morally-slanted, and overreaching... umbrella terms.

And speaking of terminology, 

●  New word!  Symbiosexuality: New study validates attraction to established couples as a real phenomenon (PsyPost, Aug. 28).

Recent research published in the Archives of Sexual Behavior has identified a phenomenon called symbiosexuality, where individuals find themselves attracted to the dynamics within existing relationships. These findings offer a new perspective on human desire, suggesting that attraction can be more complex than we previously understood.

The concept of symbiosexuality emerged from observations in cultural and academic discourses that some people are drawn to the relationships between others rather than to individuals themselves. Despite this, the phenomenon had remained largely unexplored...

“As part of the polyamorous community, I have heard people talk openly about experiencing attraction to established couples,” explained study author Sally W. Johnston....

These findings... challenge the ongoing invisibility and invalidation of and stigma and discrimination against such attractions, within both the polyamorous community and broader mononormative culture.

In my experience, healthy "conscious unicorns" (of any gender) — who not only fall in love with a couple and their dynamic but also know how to look out for their own interests — are fairly common. An example: Caroline Giuliani wrote in Vanity Fair, 

When a couple invites me into their bed, I not only get welcomed into the midst of their preexisting connection, but also get to forge a new one with them based on their trust that I will respect the boundaries of their relationship. This is a vulnerable position all around: for the couple in opening their connection to a newcomer, and for the unicorn in entering a power dynamic where they are the only one without an established teammate.

So don't be prejudiced, folks.

The research paper itself came out last April, and the term symbiosexual originated¹ back in 2021. But now it's suddenly getting news attention: in the New York Post, Daily Mail, MSN, Toronto Sun, HuffPost UK, Deutsche Welle in Germany, the Hindustan Times and NDTV in India, more. Looks like it's here to stay.

1. Johnston, S. W. & Schoenfeld, C. (2021). Symbiosexual: Introducing a term for sexual/romantic attraction to couples. Poster presentation, Society for the Scientific Study of Sexuality, San Juan, Puerto Rico.

●  ACAB is an ugly overstatement, but this sure doesn't help: Lawsuit claims Kansas dad targeted by police after ending polyamorous relationship with officer (KCTV-5 News, Kansas City, Aug. 28)

...The complaint filed on Wednesday... claimed Smith attempted to end his part in a polyamorous relationship with Officer Eric Windler and his wife, after which he was ruthlessly targeted. [It alleges] the arrest was the result of a “deeply flawed investigation and a gross misuse of police authority.”

Smith was arrested and convicted for allegedly making off with his ex-wife's car despite "the facts around the ownership of the vehicle in question," says the lawsuit.

... Alongside DA Howe and Officer Windler, the lawsuit names officers Christopher Tritt, Kevin Curry and Brandon Fox. ... Smith argued his arrest, confinement and prosecution were intentionally orchestrated despite clear evidence of his innocence. ...

------------------------------------------------------

Finally, because this situation is absolutely not going away,

    

Here is why I've been ending posts to this polyamory news site with Ukraine: I've seen too many progressive movements die out, or get wiped out, because they failed to scan the wider world accurately and understand their position in it strategically. 

We polyamorous people are a small, weird minority of social-rule breakers. Increasingly powerful people call us a threat to society, religion, and nation — because by living successfully outside their worldview, we expose its incompleteness.

Our freedom to choose our relationship structures, and to speak up for ourselves about the truth of ourselves, is just one way we depend on a free and pluralistic society that respects people's dignity to create their own lives, to access facts, and to speak of what they know.

Such a society is possible only where people have reasonably good power to govern themselves, combined with legal structures that are at least supposed to guarantee the rights of all.

Innovative people, communities, and societies who create their own lives, and who insist on the democratic structures and legal rights that enable them to do so safely, infuriate and terrify the authoritarians who are growing in power around the world and in our own United States. Now with direct mutual support that is increasingly stated out loud.

Such rulers and would-be rulers seek to stamp out other people's freedom to choose their lives — by intimidation, repressive laws, inflammatory disinformation and public incitement, stacking courts, and sometimes, eventually, artillery.

For what it's worth, Polyamory in the News received more pagereads from pre-invasion Ukraine over the years (56,400) than from any other country in eastern Europe.

For those of us born since World War II, this is the most consequential war of our lifetime. Because we have entered another time when calculating fascism, linking up at home and abroad, is rising and sees freedom and liberalism and social tolerance as weak, degenerate, delusional — inviting easy pushovers. As Russia thought it saw in Ukraine. The whole world is watching what we will do about it. Starting with China, with its eyes on Taiwan.

Background: "The United States has a much higher stake in Russia's war on Ukraine than most people think."  More: "If we stop supporting Ukraine, then everything gets worse, all of a sudden, and no one will be talking about “fatigue” because we will all be talking about disaster."

The coming times may require hard things of us. We don't get to choose the time and place in history we find ourselves born into. We do get to choose how we respond to it. 

Need a little help bucking up? Play this. Another version. More? Some people on the eastern front trying to hold onto an open society. (TW: war is awful.) Maybe your own granddad did this from a trench facing Hitler's tanks — for you, and us, because a world fascist movement was successfully defeated that time, opening the way for the rest of the 20th century.

But the outcome didn't look good for a couple of years then, either. Popular history remembers the 1945 victory over the Nazis and the joyous homecoming. Less remembered are the defeats and grim prospects from 1941 through early 1943.

Remember, these people say they are doing it for us too. They are correct. The global struggle between a free, open future and a fearful revival of the dark past that's shaping up, including in our own country, is still in its early stages. The outcome is again uncertain, and it will determine the 21st century and the handling of all its other problems.

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PS: Ukraine should not be idealized as the paragon of an open democratic society. For instance, ‘A Big Step Back’: In Ukraine, Concerns Mount Over Narrowing Press Freedoms (New York Times, June 18, 2024). And it has quite the history of being run by corrupt oligarchs — leading to the Maidan Uprising of 2013, the Revolution of Dignity in 2014, and Zelensky's overwhelming election in 2019 as the anti-corruption candidate. So they're working on that. And they're stamping hard on the old culture of everyday, petty corruption.  More on that.  More; "Ukraine shows that real development happens when people believe they have an ownership stake in their own societies."

Wrote US war correspondent George Packer in The Atlantic early in the war, 

Here was a country with a tragic history that had at last begun to build, with great effort, a better society. What made Ukraine different from any other country I had ever seen—certainly from my own—was its spirit of constant self-improvement, which included frank self-criticism. For example, there’s no cult of Volodymyr Zelensky in Ukraine—a number of Ukrainians told me that he had made mistakes, that they’d vote against him after the war was won. Maxim Prykupenko, a hospital director in Lviv, called Ukraine “a free country aspiring to be better all the time.” The Russians, he added, “are destroying a beautiful country for no logical reason to do it. Maybe they are destroying us just because we have a better life.”

They have a word there, with a deep history, for the horizontal, self-organized, mutual get-it-done that grows from community social trust: hromada. It's been keeping them going  to the extent they've been able. We polyfolks often dream of creating something like that community spirit in miniature, in our polycules and networks. Occasionally we succeed.

----------------------------------

Social attitudes in Ukraine are mostly traditional, rooted in a thousand years of the Orthodox Church. But in the last generation the ideal of modern European civil society has become widely treasured. The status of women has fast advanced, especially post-invasion. More than 43,000 women volunteer in the armed forces, flooding traditionally male bastions — including as combat officers, artillery gunners, tankers, battlefield medics, snipers, and infantry. Some LGBT folx in the armed forces display symbols of LGBT pride on their uniforms, with official approval, whereas in Russia it's a prison-worthy crime for even a civilian to show a rainbow pin or "say gay." A report on Ukraine's LGBT+ and feminist acceptance revolutions. Another. Another. Another. War changes things.

Polyfolks are like one ten-thousandth of what's at stake globally. Ukraine must have our full material backing for as long as it takes them to win their security, freedom, and future. Continue to speak up for it.

                                     

A Russian writer grieves: "My country has fallen out of time."

Women defenders on our world's eastern front

PPS:  U.S. authori-tarians, such as Sen. Ted Cruz, say that allowing women in front-line roles is a woke plot to weaken America's armed forces. Ukraine puts that shit to bed. Do you have a relative who talks like that? Send them this video link to Vidma, who commands a mortar platoon, recounting the story of one of their battles near Bakhmut.

Update August 28, 2024: Two years later Vidma is still alive, still with her mortar unit, still at the front, and posting TikToks.  A young girl who looks high-school age showed up to join them. Another vid with her. Their lives, and their promising society, depend on us. 

And maybe our own? Says Maine's independent Senator Angus King,

Whenever people write to my office [asking why we are supporting Ukraine,] I answer, 'Google Sudetenland, 1938.' We could have stopped a murderous dictator who was bent on geographic expansion…at a relatively low cost. The result of not doing so was 55 million deaths.

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Rudy Giuliani's daughter Caroline comes out as a proud and insightful ENM unicorn

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Caroline Rose Giuliani, who has described herself as "multiverses apart, politically and otherwise" from her father Rudy (the screwy former lawyer of Donald Trump) is making news with a personal memoir just out in Vanity Fair.  The title is clickbaity: A Unicorn’s Tale: Three-Way Sex With Couples Has Made Me a Better Person (online March 4). But the story is full of arrestingly intelligent insights from a thoughtful and fearless person. Excerpts:

Intimacy between two people is like ping-pong, but with three people, it’s like volleying a ball with no net, and no blueprint. That openness has changed my life.

...I now understand that my curiosity, open-mindedness, and sense of adventure are three nonnegotiable, defining elements of my identity. But it wasn’t until I started sleeping with couples that I shed my shame about those qualities, let alone embraced them in all areas of my life. Finding the strength to explore these more complicated, passionate aspects of my personality became the key to harnessing my voice and creative spark, which in turn helped me better cope with depression, anxiety, and the lingering cognitive effects of adolescent anorexia.

...When people think about three-ways, intimacy may not be the first thing to come to mind.... But when a couple invites me into their bed, I not only get welcomed into the midst of their preexisting connection, but also get to forge a new one with them based on their trust that I will respect the boundaries of their relationship. This is a vulnerable position all around: for the couple in opening their connection to a newcomer, and for the unicorn in entering a power dynamic where they are the only one without an established teammate.

...Once I was single, I immediately began to make up for lost time. I took soul-nourishing psychedelic trips into the desert with friends. I broke my stainless steel bed frame with tons of great (and safe) sex. Of all of the variants of ecstasy I experienced during that period, the ecstasy of unbridled self-discovery was the most metamorphic. I had gone through various experimentation phases throughout high school and college, but those bold (sometimes unwise) choices were inextricably intertwined with adolescent angst and rebellion. Finding my wildness as an adult was much more peaceful—it was not reacting or crying out but intentionally searching.

You know how unicorns and the couples hunting them are regarded in the polyamory world? Well,

...I knew the fearful charge around dating couples meant there was something to learn. So, as one does with all of life’s burning questions, I googled and discovered Feeld.... As I scrolled and chatted, I felt a common vibe unifying many of the profiles, but the range of gender identities, sexual orientations, and diverse interests made it difficult to articulate what that commonality was. Then it dawned on me that this common thread was... the commitment to embracing one’s own nonconformity, the celebration of individualism and sexuality without shame. Most people I talked to on the app would probably take being labeled “weird” as a compliment; I always had, but many of my exes had not. It was refreshing to be on a platform where radical open-mindedness was the baseline, and it cemented how important that value is to me...

As with any online forum, I had to weed out the occasional creep, but in general, the people I connected with were clear communicators and more transparent about difficult subjects like STD status than I had ever encountered before.

...I was pleased to discover that, having been a submissive myself, finding the language to turn Isabella on came naturally to me. I was, in turn, very turned on by turning her on. By the time I was waiting for Isabella and Oliver at the bar with those first-date jitters, I wasn’t sure if our sexual preamble would make things awkward. I soon learned that traditionally awkward moments tend not to stay awkward between open and direct people.

From the moment I greeted the couple—and realized I needed to decide whom to acknowledge first—it became clear how different this experience was going to be from any previous date. On a two-person date (and certainly on a heteronormative one), there tends to be an unconscious blueprint of the basic order of operations: you sit across from each other at the table, ask each other questions, maybe argue over the check. ... The fluidity of the situation made autopilot impossible, which made me realize how often I do go on autopilot, in dating and otherwise. I thought more consciously about what I wanted to do or say in each moment. At whom did I want to bat my new eyelash extensions? Did I want to ask questions about him, her, or their relationship? Even small details like the seating arrangement required more active attention. (I later learned that Isabella and Oliver specifically chose a venue with circular tables so that I didn’t feel like they were interviewing me.)

A truism among some people in the polyam world is that you can't date a relationship, only individual people. Well, 

I’m not sure if Aristotle was a unicorn, but the whole is definitely greater than the sum of a couple’s parts. A unicorn not only dates the individuals, but also dates the relationship. This third force to flirt with is undoubtedly the most interesting one. My mind became a lens through which Isabella and Oliver got to know each other better. I got an unexpected rush from asking Isabella a question about her childhood that Oliver had never thought to ask her in their years of dating....

...For the rest of the night, as well as on future dates with other couples, I found myself seducing the connection between the partners more than either of them individually. Feeling my perspective stoke their attraction to one another was like taking a visceral tour of the inner workings of their mutual magnetism, which was simultaneously arousing and fascinating.

...Many aspects of the encounter were pleasurable and fun, but the most engrossing sensation was feeling Oliver’s palpable love for Isabella flow through me. There was no doubt that his desire to fulfill her was the deeper motivation for filling me. Texting with Isabella a few weeks after our threesome, I told her about feeling Oliver’s passion for her permeate me. Sharing this unique perspective on their relationship was among our most intimate moments. ... Being someone who people like Oliver and Isabella entrust with their most cherished relationship ... reminds me of the specific beauty inherent in my open way of being—a way that has gotten me slut-shamed for most of my life (and still does).

I know now that I am empathetic, radically open-minded, profoundly adventurous, and fiercely committed to telling stories that reduce the stigma surrounding sexuality and mental health—including this one, right now. Before I started living the unicorn life, I wouldn’t have had the confidence to list those qualities or even feel certain that they are positive traits. Even now, I feel the urge to disclaim that I’m also excessively aware of my many flaws. But if you cannot identify and be proud of your strengths, it’s impossible to nurture them in the face of self-doubt.

In these sexually-limiting pandemic times, reliving my spicy threesome memories has been a much-needed, COVID-free crutch for a single gal and her vibrators. More notably, though, it has made me take stock of how many emotionally intelligent friends I’ve made ... probably because of their willingness to navigate complicated interpersonal issues. Regardless of sexual activity, I’m still friendly with every single couple I’ve met through ethical non-monogamy. This sex-positive community has emphasized for me that one size does not fit all, which means I am also not trying to disparage anyone who prefers complete monogamy. In fact, I hope to eventually find a “monogamish” relationship, like many of the couples I’ve dated have. I want a bond strong and trusting enough to experience threesomes from the couple’s perspective, but like unicorns, such relationships are rare. 

...One of the most frustrating misconceptions about sexually adventurous people is that we are somehow less responsible. But the opposite may be true. Shining a communal light on sexuality makes it harder for darkness, like assault and trauma, to fester. ... 

Go read the whole thing.

This piece is getting news coverage all over, in more than 100 outlets as of this morning. A Google News search if you're interested.


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Friday Polynews Roundup: The instructive Jerry Falwell implosion, poly role models for school podding, unicorn problems analyzed, and more

Welcome to Friday Polynews Roundup for August 28, 2020.

The hottest non-monogamy topic in the news this week has to be the spectacular implosion of Jerry Falwell, Jr. — possibly America's most powerful evangelical leader, and the boss of Liberty University (training "champions for Christ," with 85,000 students including online). He was a key early backer of Trump in 2016 and a major factor in bringing conservative evangelicals into Trumpland.

You've seen the headlines and pictures. Maybe heard that drunken, slurred radio interview. Maybe you've seen the many accounts of ripoffs, corruption, and intimidation.

Tame by comparison: unzipped on a yacht with a
woman not his wife. He expels students for less.

But the grand finale came early this week when a young former hotel pool boy went public, describing the cuckolding-kink relationship that Falwell and his wife drew him into in 2012. It continued for seven years. The young hunk would ball Mrs. Falwell while Jerry "watched from a corner," sometimes taking photos and/or videos. And now other, unrelated allegations of supposedly forbidden sex are coming out of the woodwork.

Under Falwell's leadership, Liberty University — widely described as run by a culture of fear — punishes or expels students and faculty who attempt, or just speak up for, even ordinary, respectful lovemaking anywhere outside of marriage.

A debate sprang up on the Polyamory Leadership Network over whether there's a teachable moment here for our issues. The general sense was "Hell no!" If nothing else, the ugly power differential overwhelms everything. A 20-year-old hotel worker versus a man who commands millions of loyal followers and is now buddies with the President? And, Falwell seems to consider Liberty's $1.6 billion endowment fund to be the next closest thing to his personal spending money. Yet according to the pool boy, the last straw was that Falwell stiffed him on a business deal and thought he could get away with it. Because power.

While the PLN debated, however, Lux Alptraum took the opportunity. NBC News published her piece Tuesday in the "Think" opinion section of its website. She cuts to the heart of it. Excerpts:

The Falwell affair shows non-monogamy isn't rare — but it does challenge social norms

Monogamous marriage is still considered a bedrock of modern society, whether you're liberal or conservative. Maybe it's time to rethink that.

By Lux Alptraum

On Monday, long-circulated rumors about evangelical leader and now former Liberty University president Jerry Falwell Jr. burst into public view, which may end up costing Falwell both his job and, perhaps, his political reputation.

According to what a former business associate, Giancarlo Granda, told Reuters, Falwell and his wife, Becki — who met Granda while he was working as a pool attendant at the Fontainebleau Miami Beach hotel — had spent years engaging in a sexual practice known as cuckoldry, with Granda serving as the “bull” with Becki as Jerry allegedly looked on. While Jerry Falwell ultimately acknowledged a sexual relationship between his wife and Granda, he contested Granda’s version of the events and said in a statement Sunday that he hadn’t been a consenting participant but a beleaguered husband who’d been cheated on by his beloved wife.

The Falwells are hardly the first prominent political couple to possibly have a sex life that strains the boundaries of monogamy. ...

Yet even as non-monogamy runs rampant in Washington, D.C., it’s difficult to imagine it ever being openly accepted. ...

It feels worth asking why.

...A 2018 peer-reviewed study from the Archives of Sexual Behavior, based on a 2012 study of partnered Americans, suggests that, at any given point, 89 percent are actively monogamous, while 4 percent are consensually non-monogamous and 8 percent are actively non-consensually non-monogamous. ... [I'm amazed that cheaters supposedly outnumber CNM people by a mere 2 to 1. Can that possibly be right? People notoriously shade the truth when speaking to pollsters about their personal lives. –Ed.]

...The story that Jerry Falwell tells about the affair is one where the couple retains their fealty to the idea, if not the actual practice, of monogamous marriage — and to Falwell's stereotypically masculine role in that marriage.

That is very, very different from Granda’s tale of happy rejection of monogamous norms — which is a significant distinction, particularly for an evangelical leader like Falwell. Because whatever else it might be, monogamous, heterosexual marriage is a bedrock of the patriarchy. And a political establishment that’s willing to put a public commitment to monogamy aside is one that’s willing to truly challenge men’s power and dominion over women, their bodies and their sexuality ... which is something American society doesn’t seem quite yet ready to do.

This is not to say that all monogamous marriages are inherently patriarchal, or that casting off the shackles of monogamy suddenly renders your relationship egalitarian.... But monogamous heterosexual marriage as an institution has long been used to police the sexual behavior of women, with tools ranging from virginity pledges to slut-shaming employed to keep the ladies in line.

And, as a concept, monogamy is supposedly gender blind but, in practice, its social enforcement tends to favor men....

What would it have meant for Jerry Falwell Jr. to openly admit that he enjoys watching his wife in the arms of another man? It would mean, certainly, a major challenge to the rigid sexual norms he's publicly supported for decades. But it would also mean challenging his own status as the patriarch within his family and society at large, acknowledging that the family structure and sexual roles on which men have based society for millennia just don’t really work for him and, likely, for many other people.

...We’ll continue to have “sex scandals” in which ostensibly monogamous political figures sheepishly admit their monogamy has been more aspirational than actual. And we’ll continue to uphold monogamous, heterosexual marriage as a goal and even a requirement for everyone's supposed happiness, rather than reject it as the ill-fitting, repressive and punitive institution that it has been since its beginning.

Lux Alptraum is a writer and producer who served as development producer for Fusion’s Peabody-nominated show "Sex.Right.Now.” Her first book, "Faking It: The Lies Women Tell About Sex — And the Truths They Reveal,” explores our cultural obsession with feminine deceit.

Read her whole article (Aug. 25). 

Incidentally, this thing keeps getting bigger. What happened to those years of photos/videos that Falwell supposedly took of Granda doing his wife? Apparently a Miami lawyer was holding some of them. And guess what: Donald Trump knows the story of what happened to these compromising materials from there, according to Trump's longtime lawyer and personal fixer Michael Cohen. Because Cohen says that he was dispatched on a mission to fix the problem. He was supposed to make the items go away, and he says he did; he says he got their owner to destroy them. One wonders how he performed this persuasion; right afterward, the lawyer went to the extreme of changing his name. The Miami Herald says the lawyer "said he opted to switch identities after Cohen got involved over the photos." 

After that, Jerry Falwell, who had been preparing to back Ted Cruz for president, switched allegiance to Trump. Rod Dreher, writing this week in The American Conservative, is one of many people across the political spectrum to connect the dots:

It raises an important question too about whether or not the Trump campaign used knowledge of the Falwells’ affair to pressure Jerry Jr. to endorse Trump. Former Trump legal fixer Michael Cohen told Tom Arnold that he handled a situation down in Florida in which somebody had some compromising boudoir shots of Becki Falwell that he (Cohen) had to obtain. Funnily enough, right after that, Jerry Jr., who was lined up to endorse Ted Cruz for president, flip-flopped to Trump. Amazing, eh?

And now Cohen is in the news confirming again that yes indeed, he was sent to get those pix. The link is to a Miami Herald story about this ongoing development.

Also from Dreher,

Here’s a video on the Trump YouTube channel, of Becki Falwell, Giancarlo Granda’s former mistress and a board member of Women For Trump, joining Lara Trump in 2019 to talk about strengthening families. Wonder how much longer that's going to stay there?

------------------------------------

Phew. Moving on to healthier topics,

●  A new genre of poly-in-the-media seems to be developing: parenting magazines and parenting websites talking about how poly ideals can model useful practices not just for mono couples who want to better their relationship skills, but also for managing podded households with kids. Last week we saw Here’s How Being Polyamorous Prepared Me For Parenting, from HuffPost Personal. Now comes, in Romper, What Can Polyamorous Families Teach Us About Pod Schools? (Aug. 24).

"Stock photo for illustrative purposes only. Posed by model. Getty Images"

By Jamie Kenney

One set of parents, in a committed relationship with their school — that is just one possible arrangement among many, in a year that has seen the rise of learning pods; multiple families banding together to hire a tutor to teach their children at home.

...How can multiple families juggle the mix of egos, group dynamics, and communication styles? For insight, I spoke to polyamorous moms — couples in relationships with other couples or individuals. Both pods and polyamory involve an unorthodox arrangement of interconnected adults coming together in a way that fulfills their needs. Both can complicate existing relationships and, if not approached mindfully, become a minefield of misunderstandings and hurt feelings. They can also be very rewarding.

Pod learning isn’t intimate to the same extent as polyamory, but it’s still a meaningful relationship that requires a lot of mindfulness, communication, and trust, as these three poly moms explain. They offered advice on what “pod families” might expect, and how to avoid common pitfalls of sharing your life with multiple people.

Assume Nothing (And Get It In Writing)....

“Being poly is about 5% fun sex and 95% insane communication and negotiation,” says Erin S. ... “You need to be heard, consent, discuss, be honest, and feel comfortable and confident with what you want and your goals..

...If even well-meaning enthusiasm gets ahead of planning and logistics, it’s not going to work out. She recommends would-be pods take a page from the Polyamory Playbook and write out actual contracts — complete with rules, plans, schedules, and even mission statements — before classes get started. Though not legally binding, they nevertheless outline clear boundaries, expectations, and goals upfront.

 ...To set yourself up for success, she recommends parents “do the hard work in the beginning so that you don’t get stuck questioning things later on.”

Conversations About Health Don’t Have To Be Awkward....

...Cait says anyone in a learning pod should take note and not shy from questions that might seem invasive. “You have to ask how many other people have you been seeing? When is the last time you got tested? Have you been tested for antibodies?”

Contact tracing is a de facto part of the poly community even under normal circumstances....

Lean On One Another’s Strengths....

...“In polyamory and study pods, it’s about finding people who are all complementary to each other, who you can work with in close quarters and also gain something new or needed.”

Perri is currently discussing podding with some members of her friend group, where all the adults will pitch in and teach different subjects. She thinks her poly lifestyle lends itself well to this kind of communalism. The dynamic is familiar: she and her partners are used to, knowing when to step up or step back when working as a group. ...

She advises people keep an open mind. “Even if you disagree, make sure to point out any valid parts of other stances before you state your own case. It makes it easier to find a compromise when everyone knows what they agree on.”

●  An overlapping genre is non-monogamy during Covid-19. Here's from Vice this week: How to Safely Practice Non-Monogamy During the Pandemic (Aug. 28). The writer uses the term "polyamory" a lot, but in fact she is talking mostly about the more individualistic phone-hookup and swing cultures. Which the graphic suggests:

Cathryn Virginia

If you're polyamorous, social distancing probably means fewer in-person hookups – but, as with anything else in an open relationship, communication will keep things sexy.

By Penda N'diaye

...The way people are relating to and adjusting their boundaries with their partners, as is necessary for a more socially distanced version of polyamory, may be taking some extra thought right now. ... If it’s time to renegotiate previous boundaries and get a little more creative about when and how often you spend time with multiple partners, here's how to think about respecting everyone involved.

Figure out what kind of safety measures everyone can agree on before anything else.

Your poly lifestyle is not worth other people getting COVID. If you do intend to see multiple partners in any way, shape, or form—which is hella risky, and which you probably shouldn't—make sure everyone's on the same page, and take meticulous safety measures.

...Unless your alternative partners are willing to move in and commit to an exclusive relationship within your polyamory bubble or polycule, body-to-body sexual contact with them is probably not doable, and everyone needs to have a straightforward discussion about that. ...

Ask questions of all of your partners if you go forward with continuing to be with them physically. You'll need to know:

“Who else are you sleeping with?”

“How many partners have you had in the last month?”

“What safety precautions are you taking?”

When each additional person opens you up to the risks of their own network, the space for error can compound very quickly....

Communicate with all your partners about how emotionally involved you want to be with each respective person, and vice versa. 

If you and your partners decide to abstain from sexual and physical contact for health reasons, it doesn’t mean your relationships have to be placed on hold. ...

...“We’re not having much human connection at the moment, [so] sometimes the lines between physical and emotional intimacy get blurred because we’re craving human touch and human interaction,” Hall said. ...

Create a schedule—or, at least, discuss timing—with your partners.

...Smith shares her personal Google Calendar with her partner, and he and his wife share theirs with her. “We have to be very candid, to the point that if I spend time with any friend, or partner, I put it into the calendar, as well as any social engagements. Even before quarantining, we relied on this system to organize our schedules and designate when we would spend time together.”

“By looking at the calendar, my partner and his wife can make a judgment call like, 'Hey, maybe you’ve been seeing too many people. Can you get tested before we meet up again?'”

...Above all... be patient with yourself and others as everyone adapts. It’s an opportunity to take stock of what feels good about being with—and how to be respectful toward—each person in your life that you're into having sex with (even if that's just in your iMessage inbox or voice notes). 

●  On a more perennial topic, Abby Moss reports to HuffPost UK readers why unicorn fantasies so often end poorly: Why Being The 'Unicorn' In A Threesome Isn't Always A Magical Experience (Aug. 26)

...According to one study, 95% of men and 87% of women have fantasised about sex with multiple partners. Dating app Feeld (which has been called “Tinder for threesomes”) has more than 200,000 weekly users, 3Fun encourages users to browse and “meet open-minded hot couples and singles nearby”. Meanwhile, hookup and swingers’ site Adult Friend Finder has a staggering 80 million users worldwide. [Again, we're talking mostly hookup culture, not polyamory.]

...Cath*, 30, used to meet couples through dating apps. But after a series of unpleasant experiences she now steers clear of “unicorn hunters”.

“I’ve had situations where the male part of a couple has pushed my boundaries too far, even when I’ve been asking him to stop,” she tells HuffPost UK.

“It can be alienating being that third party. I slept with one couple who did try hard to include me. In the morning the woman went out and bought us all breakfast, but the night before I’d really felt like I was just there to fulfil their fantasy and in the morning I couldn’t wait to get out of there.”

This feeling is echoed by Kate*, 27, who has also stopped meeting couples after one too many bad experiences. “I’ve been made to feel like an unpaid sex worker at best, and a human sex toy at worst,” she says. “Too many couples don’t understand how to treat a third person with respect.”

Dr Ryan Scoats, a lecturer in sociology at Coventry University who holds the world’s first PhD in threesomes, has interviewed hundreds of threesome participants, from those in existing relationships to people who’ve had more casual hookups, as well as studying more than 200 qualitative surveys of people’s sex lives.

The fact that many threesome horror stories are told by women could be partly down to the types of threesomes people are having in the first place, he says.

...“Historically, certainly for 50 or more years, we’ve seen a tying together of masculinity and homophobia”, says Dr Scoats, who suggests that while women have not been constrained in the same way, “women’s sexuality is encouraged from the perspective of the male gaze”.

This can be connected to perceptions of emotional security and threat, he adds. “Women’s bisexuality is often not taken seriously, so it’s not seen as a threat to [a] relationship. This can be problematic when it leads to the man involved in the threesome feeling that the threesome is all for him.”

...Feeld’s user guidelines encourage inclusivity and openness to other people and minds, but also stipulate: “no one owes you anything” and “consent is key”.

...Certified sexologist and feminist writer Gigi Engle says that planning, as well as clear communication, is one of the most important parts of any threesome. ...

...Boundary crossing in threesomes can be emotional as much as sexual. For Gemma*, 29, a recent encounter with a couple went wrong when they expected more from her than she was comfortable with. What began as a casual sex arrangement became more serious when the couple asked her to join them on holiday.

“I wasn’t comfortable with that and didn’t want anything more than a casual relationship, which I’d explained to them from the start. They got quite upset and couldn’t understand why I wanted to have that boundary,” she says.

...The terms “unicorn” and “unicorn hunters” may seen harmless, but Engle argues they are symptomatic of the way society often views sexually-empowered women. “The problem is we don’t have adequate language to talk about sex and sexuality in the first place. So, we fill the space with language that’s fun and cutesy,” says Engle.

“It’s really important to question the terms we use. Using a term like ‘unicorn’ really shows where people think the power lies. In this case, it’s all with the couple, and it implies that they don’t need to treat that third individual like a person… or even that to do so would threaten their relationship.”...

That's it for this week's Friday Polynews Roundup. Stay healthy. Mens sana in corpore sano. And to that, add spiritus sanus. Healthy mind, body, and soul. You deserve nothing less, dear people.

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