Dear Margo weighs in

Many newspapers

"Dear Margo" (Margo Howard, daughter of the late Ann Landers) is one of the top newspaper advice columnists. Today she put out this:

Kind of Like Unofficial Polygamy

DEAR MARGO: I am a very happily married woman with a problem: well-intentioned friends and family. My husband and I are polyamorous and not ashamed of it. We have wonderful girlfriends who are special and a part of our family. The problem is that people assume we are on the verge of divorce, etc. Other than an indelicate "Butt out," is there any way to get them to see that we are really happy and stable? We've been married for five years.

—HAPPILY POLY

(For square readers like me who might need a trip to the dictionary, I will save you some time. "Polyamorous" is the name for multiple sexual relationships within marriage — in this case involving both spouses.)

DEAR HAP: You may not be ashamed of it, but you have to know that this arrangement would strike most people as being somewhere between odd and morally wrong, it being quite far from the norm. I am not sure why you felt the need to breeze it around that you and your husband have "wonderful girlfriends."

Because you have, however, essentially invited people to "butt in," you are a little bit stuck in terms of asking them to butt out. I guess the only way to prove yourselves happy and stable is for you two to continue to thrive with your, uh, wonderful girlfriends.

—MARGO, BEWILDEREDLY

Here's where to write to Margo. But before flaming off, think about what Kit has to say in the discussion now boiling at the LiveJournal Polyamory site: although Margo needs some catching up on what polyamory is (it's not only for married people, and qualifiers like "ethical" and "with full knowledge and agreement of all concerned" need to be in there), the woman who wrote in is inevitably going to get reactions from people close to her if she's out about having an unusual life, so Margo's answer may be on target.

In any case, please write in such a way as to increase respect for us rather than diminish it. "Be a credit to your kink."

Dear Margo prints another poly letter

Many newspapers

Margo Howard, leading newspaper advice columnist, prints a letter from someone arguing that polyamory should be recognized as an inescapable drive that certain people are born with. The letter is cogent, but he makes poly sound like his partner's unfortunate affliction. Margo responds somewhat unsympathetically.

A Question for the Ages

Dear Margo: I have some thoughts on monogamy. Some people are wired to funnel all their attention to one partner, but many are not. If I ask my partner to be true to me at the expense of being true to herself, I am setting myself up for inevitable heartbreak, and more importantly, I am insisting that she engage in unsustainable, self-destructive behavior.

I will concede that most people would struggle mightily to develop the communication and relationship management skills necessary to succeed in open or polyamorous relationships. Many people will fail in such attempts. Can it really be worse to acknowledge someone for who he is and what he needs than to pretend he’s something else entirely? I prefer to be my partner’s only partner, but I have no chance of knowing whether this can happen unless she is free to say she prefers something else without any risk of stigma.

When society stigmatized people who came out as gay, many gay people felt they had to pass for straight as long as possible. Current arrangements are no better for people who were not built to pour all their romantic attention into a single individual. A person’s sense of obligation or morality may overpower libido for weeks or months, but looking at years and decades has never been realistic and never will be. — Somewhere in the Heartland

Dear Some: Some people agree with you that fidelity is based on insincerity, if not pretense. Many others do not, and they choose to live monogamously. I will say this, however, about your analogy: I believe the gay community will clear all the cultural and societal hurdles and prejudices long before the open marriage or polyamory crowds. — Margo, psychically

Here's the original.

Soon as I post this, I'm gonna go weigh in to say that poly is not just about coping with a problem condition.

I have mixed opinions about the whole "I was born hard-wired poly" claim. It does seem to be true for some people. But others, who felt perfectly happy to live a monogamous life (like me), discovered poly by some fluky happenstance — an amazing person entering their lives, or seeing poly friends living well together, and/or by sitting down and making a deliberate philosophical choice for love's enlargement.

And, "I was born this way" can be an easy bullshitter's excuse for bad behavior. Of any kind.

Some of the reader comments on Margo's homepage are pretty good; go join in. You can also mail her directly at dearmargo@creators.com . She's been good about the topic in several past columns.

Here's my friend Anita Wagner's take, on her Practical Polyamory blog.

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Dear Margo comes through!

Many newspapers

Wow. Margo Howard, a leading newspaper advice columnist, does us a major educational service with a followup to her "Dear Margo" column of three weeks ago. And your letters made it happen!

She issued this new column yesterday (Nov. 22, 2007). It should appear in newspapers in the coming week:

More polyamory...

Dear Readers: I ran a letter from a woman in a polyamorous situation and many people felt my answer was condescending. I apparently did not choose my words carefully, because I have no problem with how consenting adults want to live. I was merely pointing out that the polyamorous lifestyle was by no means mainstream. I received a letter from a clergyman in Houston, the Reverend Storm Weaver, whose letter I would like to share with you because he speaks for me, as well:

"I have a response for 'Happily Poly.' I've spent 25 years providing support and pastoral care for individuals who have chosen 'culturally fringed' lifestyles, including polyamory.

"If Happily and her family came to me, I would tell them the cat's out of the bag, so to speak, so people are going to have an opinion. It is up to her and her family how they respond to those opinions... but they won't stop people from having them. If she lets it get to her, it will compromise the joy she has in her family.

"The success of a complex family style hinges on open, honest communication, and on acknowledging that you are something different, and once you are visible you will be targets for people's curiosity and commentary. Hold on to one another, protect those who really need protecting (whether it's a family partner or a child who is learning how to integrate into a social environment where kids have only two parents, instead of four or six), and never forget that you came to this place in a spirit of love and joy.

"I am encouraged that people like Happily are becoming more visible. For the past 25 years one of my most difficult struggles was in helping people who were terrified to let their alternative family be seen in public. Those days are passing, and those of us who have been involved in this area since early on see the ability to talk about things like polyamory or same-gender-parent families in public as a real blessing.

"Many people will disagree with these choices, and it's unlikely that family groupings like polyamory will ever become 'commonplace,' but knowing that these kinds of families exist, that they are our neighbors and sometimes our friends, that happy families can develop even in groups that are not typical is encouraging. As a longtime proponent of honesty in dealing with familial alternatives, I say, 'Be as happy as you can. Your joy is the thing that will eventually quell the commentary.'"

The column first appeared on Yahoo News.

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Mainstreaming in Dear Margo

A leading advice columnist handles a poly reader's query — about a triad looking for a fourth — seriously and matter-of-factly:

When Three Is Not a Crowd

Dear Margo: I've been in a long-term polyamorous MFM triad with two really wonderful guys for the last four years, one of whom I've been seeing for almost seven. We have a lower-than-average drama quotient than even most dyadic (two person couple) relationships, and are all very happy with each other and our lives. We had always talked about seeking another female mate, but our non-relationship life stuff hadn't really been such that we could devote much time to the endeavor. Now, our lives have finally settled down for the most part, and we've come to realize that none of us can think of a way to approach someone with this. We've tried online and our local poly community as places to look for dates, to no avail. I realize that it will be difficult to find someone who is compatible with all of us, but we need a way to politely put ourselves out there first. Could you give three shy nerds an opener or some advice?

— Wannabe Quad

Dear Wan: You are making this sound like rounding up a fourth for bridge. Although I am not an old hand at figuring out how to be of assistance to the polyamorous, I would recommend that you let life happen. This seems to be the way to go, since you haven't had any luck with what you call your local poly community or online advertising. And it may be that you "three shy nerds" are doing fine as a threesome. I would also like to advise people who disapprove of your lifestyle not to write asking why I didn't tell you this is not "normal" or "moral." I only and always deal with the question asked.

— Margo, non-judgmentally

Read the original (dated July 31, 2009. It got by me when it came out; thanks to GreenFizzpops for the tip.)

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More unhelpful advice columnists

Dear Abby; Ask Amy

Among newspaper advice columnists, Dear Margo now gets it about polyamory, but this morning Dear Abby and Ask Amy both indicate they have some learning to do.

DEAR ABBY: My 22-year-old son is involved with a 22-year-old married girl. He has moved in with her, her husband and their 4-year-old son. He says he's happy with the arrangement.

I have tried to accept this even though I don't approve. I don't want to alienate my son, but I see no good coming from this. Abby, please help.

—Disgusted Mom in Henderson, Nev.

DEAR DISGUSTED MOM: You do not have to “accept” it, and as your son's mother you are entitled to tell him you don't approve and why. But he is older than 21, and some lessons have to be learned the hard way. So bide your time because sooner or later the husband's tolerance will wear thin or your son will realize that he deserves to rate higher than No. 2.

Never mind the cracks about the husband's tolerance and rating "higher than No. 2." For all we know this really is a bad setup, with the three doing poly ignorantly or carelessly. Or they could be the model poly family, with relationships guided by wisdom and intention and flowing like clear mountain streams. We don't know — but Dear Abby has no interest in finding out.

Clue in Abby here about the fact that good poly relationships can and do exist. Be polite — "be a credit to your kink" — and remember, it was apparently our letters that turned Dear Margo around.

Elsewhere in today's morning papers, Ask Amy fumbles a question from a woman interested in growing closer with a couple:

DEAR AMY: I have what some might consider an "untraditional" question.

I am a very undersexed single woman. A female co-worker and I became very close friends this year, and I am steadily becoming close friends with her husband as well.

I'm interested in pursuing a threesome with this couple, but I don't know how to ask. Certainly, directly asking seems to be the best way, but I'm worried that I might ruin this relationship.

They are a very liberal couple, but how do I bring this up without offending anyone or losing my friends?

—Undersexed

DEAR UNDERSEXED: If you need a stapler, look for it at the office.

A threesome? Not so much. Intimately engaging with this couple would interfere not only with your friendships and your professional life, but also with their marriage.

I believe the protocol here is for you to wait for them to invite you.

You are an adult and can make your own choices with other consenting adults, but people don't invite themselves into another couple's relationship.

Be forewarned — even if they do invite this entanglement and it does happen, your relationship with both parties will change and (I believe) eventually suffer.

Why is this a fumble? Amy is correct that a direct proposition might shock and embarrass the couple and queer the friendship. But has Amy never heard of tact? There are polite ways to nudge the friendship forward a bit and see whether the people notice. Or, one could find occasion to drop an offhand comment about some poly-aware friend or stranger or (ahem) item in the media.

Even among the most conventional people, a flirt to test the waters can be done either ham-handedly in a way that puts the other person on the spot, or so gracefully that if the other doesn't already have an interest, they may not even realize they've been flirted with (especially important if it's a co-worker). Amy could have done her readers a service by using this opportunity to explain how.

Respond to Ask Amy at askamy@tribune.com .

By the way, in my observation the most successful long-term poly relationships often do grow out of pre-existing friendships.

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Miss Poly Manners, and others

Can't resist reading Dear Margo or Ask Annie in the paper? Several special-purpose polyamory advice columns have popped up on the web in the last year or so. Here's a roundup.

1. Miss Poly Manners is a longtime activist and writer who started her column last June. From her latest entry:

Greeting The New Metamour (as heard on Polyamory Weekly Episode 182):

Miss Poly Manners,

When I started dating my current boyfriend, he was dating my friend.... Now he is interested in another woman. He wants me to meet her, and this is something I REALLY don't want to do. But I know that if I don't, our relationship will end, and I don't want that either. How should I behave when I do meet this woman? Are there some sort of social graces I need to be aware of?

—Scared

Dear Ms. Scared,

...A new metamour comes with unknown influence. Being afraid of unknown consequences does not, by itself, indicate a lack of polyness.... Miss Poly Manners suggests doing some work on personal insecurity issues and communication with your partner. Tacit's website, "What, Like Two Girlfriends?" is a great resource for how to deal with insecurity.

The meeting should, for everyone's comfort, be in a neutral setting, if possible. Miss Poly Manners recommends behaving warm and friendly towards your future metamour from the outset.... She quite possibly has her own fears about this whole thing. You were once the incoming partner; try to remember what it felt like and do what you can to put her at ease.

Miss Poly Manners does not recommend limiting your usual amount of PDA [public displays of affection] just because she is present... but all should be careful to not imply possession along with the expression of affection. You can help remove the impression of possession by simultaneously encouraging their own PDA with subtle things like maneuvering so that your shared partner is sitting or walking between you and has access to both of you, and initiating casual affection towards the metamour herself (such as greeting her with a hug), and smiling if they express affection. Engage her in conversation about herself and her ideas. Treat meeting the metamours as you would meeting *anyone* who is important to your partner, like a family member or friend.

Many people find it awkward and uncomfortable to directly broach the subject of polyamory on the first meeting, but Miss Poly Manners recommends doing it anyway. With practice it will become less uncomfortable, and not ignoring the elephant in the room sets the tone for the future of your relationship as one of open communication. You can verbally welcome her by acknowledging her relationship specifically, with something like "It's so good to finally meet a woman that meets Jack's high standards!". Be sincere in your compliments and compliment often. You can ask her outright, "Do you have any concerns or questions that I can address?".

You should offer her your direct contact information and encourage her to contact you directly for any reason at all, serious conversation or just chit-chat. Not only will this make her feel more comfortable, but it will also give you some clues on how she feels about the whole issue and let you know if there is any real basis for your fears....

2. The Polyamorous Misanthrope is posted weekly by Noël Figart, aka Goddess of Java, a longtime public presence in the poly world. She has been to hell and back in several ways, including the bust-up of a five-year group marriage, and has put herself together with unusual discipline and sanity. Despite a sympathetic ear, she is not shy about blasting fluff and nonsense out of the water. (Her soft spot is Heinlein, not that Heinlein could be called soft.)

What is the right action of the larger community when relationship dramas can destabilize and threaten an entire social network?

— a very wise friend

...If you’re polyamorous and are lucky enough to have a social network in your city, chances are it’s pretty small.... Being poly, there’s probably going to be interlocking relationships, dating and what have you. People, being people, are gonna fall in love, stay together and have great relationships, break up, be loyal, backstab, gossip, refuse to misbehave — all of it. The one thing you can count on people to do is to behave like people.

This means sometimes there will be Relationship Drama that might splash on your local community.

How do you handle it?

This is gonna be how you handle it, ’cause I doubt like hell many people would choose my method. I go away until it blows over.... But allow the person who sits in the corner watching everyone play Telephone to make a few observations:

* You knew the job was dangerous when you took it.

Okay, I am going to have to break it to you: Relationships are not always forever, and sometimes breakups hurt a whole bunch. If you’re not up for that, for heaven’s sake learn how to be before you start getting heavily involved in a poly community. Emotions can run high. Can you behave yourself when emotions run high?...

* This isn’t actually unique to polyamory.

Families, churches and whatnot all have their own versions of interlocking loyalties and relationships blowing up a social structure.... Wouldn’t it be cool if polyamory could set the example for Community in general....

* You’re not responsible for making other people behave.

If you fancy yourself a “community leader”, it’s still not your job to make sure that your widdle flock wipes their noses properly. Don’t go running from feuding party to feuding party trying to make every one behave. It only makes things worse. You’re participating in and feeding some nonsense. Step back, disengage and encourage other people not to be personally involved in things that are Not Their Problem. You can’t make it all better. You can set a good example.

Read this whole column. And do read the classic guest column that she posted from Rainy Hannah, "The Brave Little Toaster".


3. Ask Serolynne is written by Cherie L. Ve Ard, a longtime activist coming out of the brainy Tampa-Orlando poly nexus. Ask Serolynne is a branch of her larger blogsite, which has lots of her standing articles on poly, safer sex, and HPV.

How to have ‘The Conversation’

Dear Serolynne:

In the last 2 months I’ve met and hit it off with a really incredible guy who knows both me and my partner already, and understands and sees himself fitting into both our lives and is comfortable with that. Everyone is happy and excited about the situation.

What I’m now struggling with is the safe sex conversation that I have to have with my new partner. Condom usage for intercourse is a given, but my partner of 4 years and I are both feeling we should set a new standard for safer sex and get all parties tested if there is a possibility for a long term relationship. I know it needs to be done, but I don’t know how to propose STD testing before we engage any further.

—Excited and Trying to be Responsible

Dear Excited:

I typically e-mail them my most current sexual health and history spreadsheet (click for a blank copy) and ask for theirs in return. Has worked like a charm every time — tells them right up how seriously I take the subject, and creates a clear opening for having the discussion and dealing with the topic in a straightforward way.

Another fun way I have heard of people handling this is making a date to go get tested together.

I figure, if I can’t talk to someone about sex and sexual health with them, why would I want to have sex with them anyway?

4. Seattle is the poly capital of the world. (If you disagree you can make your case in the comments, but it'd better be good.) One of Seattle's several alternative newspapers is The Stranger, where BDSM and kink columnist Mistress Matisse, herself a longtime poly, often dispenses thoughtful polyamory wisdom in her Control Tower column. Here's a list of her columns touching on poly for about the last three years. A sample:

When people who are considering polyamory talk to me, one thing they say is, "I'd like to open up my relationship but I don't know if I'll be able to handle it." No one can predict with perfect accuracy how he or she will feel about anything, but exactly how you feel isn't as important as how you respond to those feelings.

There is a key trait in people who do polyamory well, and it's this: They are good at regulating their strong emotions. By that I mean, when something emotionally intense is happening to you, either good or bad, you're able to see it as part of a larger whole and keep it in perspective....

Also: Andrea Zanin, Canada's queer poly Sex Geek, sometimes dispenses poly-specific advice.

Other advice columns have started and gone inactive. There was Poly Ann earlier this year. An old, inactive, but rich and interesting one, The Poly Bureau, remains on the Poly Boston site local to me.

What others have I missed? Please add them here.

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