"Gay after marriage: A bisexual woman figures out how to make it work"
The website of Creative Loafing for Tampa Bay (one of a chain of alternative newspapers in the South) offers a first-person story tracing a path by which many people explore their way into polyamory.
Gay after marriage: A bisexual woman figures out how to make it work
What do you do when you discover you’re gay after you’re already married?
By Alexandra and her husband, Nick
I suppose a lot of spouses trip over themselves as they run to find a lawyer. I suppose others cry or yell or throw things. I suppose still more sprout feathers and thrust their heads into the sand. But not my husband. Actually, he was the one who told me that I’m bi.
No, it was I who sobbed into our bedspread until my eyes could hardly open. It was I who said “No, no, no” as my husband rubbed my back and told me everything was okay and that he still loves me. It was I who woke up the next morning and denied that night had any real meaning. And it was I for whom it took eight more months until I could finally learn to realize, then accept, then love the fact that I also love women.
But what then? I am married. I am loyal. I am … so gay.
Once again, Nick surprised me. First in the utter joy and relief he emanated when I finally realized that I like women, and then when he said, “This is an important part of who you are. You need to explore this and date women.” When I replied, “But I’m married,” he said, so what? He didn’t want me to deny a fundamental part of who I am or hold me back. And that’s when I learned the word, polyamory....
...Nick paved the way eight months prior, and then Kim helped get me to the tipping point of acceptance in October 2009. Out of the blue, she casually mentioned that she had once dated a couple. My head snapped to attention at that moment. Wait, you can DO that?...
...For days I couldn’t stop thinking about that. I began to unlock dusty doors hiding in the shadows of my mind, allowing myself to sneak inside and, for the first time, explore the mental images and concepts that hid behind them. I remembered a dream that I’d had more than a year before that left a smile on my lips for days without knowing why....
...My two champions and best friends threw me a coming out party. Nick even baked me a pussy cake. Yes. That’s right. A French vanilla cake with vanilla fudge frosting, pink sugar sprinkles and topped with fruit in the unmistakable arrangement of a vagina. A half a mango, raspberries, grape jelly and cocoa powder came together to create a beautiful, delicious … um, yeah. I don’t even need the photos Nick snapped to remember the look of delighted disbelief on Kim’s face when she realized what the cake depicted.
Then came the more challenging part. How in the world does one dive into the poly world? Nick and I found an amazing support network on FetLife.com, both for my bisexuality and for polyamory.... The biggest gift it gave me was realizing that Nick and I aren’t alone....
Read the whole article (June 26, 2010).
Update July 6: The author posts another article on The Daily Loaf telling more about her evolving story: My poly adventure: Polyamory, bisexuality and me.
Update July 29: She's doing more in this continuing series. Here's the list.
Great article, but I wonder why are they using "gay" in the title and subtitle and "bi" in the article. There is a world of difference, which matters especially for how this woman handled it... Are they clamoring for sensationalism in the title or do they think the average reader doesn't know what "bi" is?
The editors at CL sometimes change titles from what the contribs originally had in mind.
I know Nick personally, and Alexandra slightly through him, though we have only talked on the phone. It appears as if she does feel she is gay, only interested in women, as she decided to divorce Nick because of it. They had no other problems and got along well. It took him by surprise and he is heartbroken, but doing well. I guess they both are. It's hard for me to see him hurt and not understand how she couldn't make it work knowing their history. But then, I am not gay.
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