Polyamory in the News!
. . . by Alan M.

October 14, 2011

"First Time for Everything: Dating a Couple"

The Frisky

People sharing stories like this one are gradually changing the world. The popular online magazine The Frisky ("Love. Life. Stars. Style.") just published this:

First Time For Everything: Dating A Couple

By Chloe Monroe

I met Greg through a dating website and we talked online and then on the phone for about a week. I was very hesitant because I had never tried online dating before, and also because of one very glaring fact: Greg was in a four-year relationship with Jen.

No, he wasn’t on a cheating website. He was looking for another partner because he and Jen are polyamorous and they often maintain more than one relationship at once.

I asked a lot of questions. Polyamory wasn’t something I’d ever considered trying....

[Greg and I] got pizza, talked, and ended the night with kissing. It was one of the most normal (and frankly boring) first dates I’ve ever been on.... I left before eleven o’clock, feeling a bit of a thrill at the thought of meeting his girlfriend. Just to meet her, of course. Ask her questions, collect data. To explore this new relationship model in a way that would make Kinsey proud.

...Jen was very different from how I had imagined her.... I felt like a nervous 14-year-old boy trying to figure out how to introduce himself to a girl at a school dance. Luckily, she gave me a quick handshake and from there, we clicked famously. The three of us spent the rest of the night talking and joking, and I lost track of time.

The next day, Jen and I spoke in private.

“Greg and I are not a boxed set,” she surprised me by saying. “I find you very attractive, but I want you to make the decision to be with us or just with him.”...

Some days later:

That night, well fed and relaxed, I felt very happy and slowly it dawned on me.

This felt so normal. So right. So — not deviant at all.

Read the whole story (Oct. 13, 2011). Here are other articles The Frisky has run touching on polyamory.

"Slowly it dawned on me. This felt so normal. So right. So — not deviant at all." How many times I've heard people say this, since I first experienced it myself!

This is partly why I think poly is no modern invention but something that has been deep-rooted in human nature all along — something that we suppressed or lost track of. That, of course, is pretty much the thesis of Sex at Dawn (now available in paperback), which collects evidence from anthropology and human physiology to make a case for what I thought I grokked from the beginning.

Not that you can rely on your instincts to make it work, however! It's a huge help to study up on the experience and wisdom of others, and apply consciousness and reason to what you do accordingly — that's where modernity really does make things different. As food for thought, you can start with Franklin Veaux's Guide to Dating a Couple.

(Off topic: That threesome feet photo? It just showed up in a real estate ad for an "ultra hip" condo development in Victoria, BC. Remarks a commenter, "We are everywhere, bwahahah!")



Anonymous Anonymous said...

Note of advice: If you're looking to join with an existing couple, or if you're a couple looking for a third, don't have any illusions about how "we'll all be equal." (NO two relationships are the same, for that matter -- and THIS IS OKAY.)

The important thing is not to try to make everybody equal, but to be able to freely and easily discuss the actual imbalances that exist (money, property rights, loyalties, length of histories together) and work out accommodations to these things that everybody is comfortable with.

One of Franklin's best sayings is "Let your relationships be what they are."

October 15, 2011 9:36 AM  
Anonymous Jim said...

For my partners and me, the concept of 'equal' means equal importance, not equal situation or development. We each have our individual relationships and we all value and celebrate our mutual relationship as a whole. It works for us; we're a happy triad.

October 16, 2011 11:56 PM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

My experience trying to date couples has not been positive. I always end up feeling on the outs and that I am waiting around for "them" to decide. The only way I would do it now would be if I also dated each person individually and then we got together as a couple. Haven't done this yet.

October 22, 2011 9:50 PM  
Anonymous black dating said...

It's a usual feeling for the first timer wherein you feel nervous about it but if you'll used to it it pretty good at all.

Looking for some third party issues is kinda hard for me because I admit I am a Catholic and for us having a third party or more is a mortal sin.
But I appreciate your thought. I just don't get it why is this kind of culture exist!

July 14, 2012 2:43 AM  

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