Polyamory in the News!
. . . by Alan M.

April 21, 2014

"I Quit Polyamory Because I Fell In Love With A Man"


I've always said I'm a poly-mono switch, so I'm not bothered by people moving from one identity to the other. A few hours ago the popular online women's magazine xoJane published, in its "It Happened to Me" section, a story with the title above.

Remember, what we're about is relationship choice. She seems happy with hers.

It Happened To Me: I Quit Polyamory Because I Fell In Love With A Man

Maybe all I can really take away from my experience is that you just never know what’s going to stumble into your life and change it completely.

By Jessica Ebacher

...I’d been doing what some people call serial monogamy for years, and I knew that it wasn’t good for me....

...It wasn’t too long after that that a friend of mine, a girl I’d had a crush on for years, told me that she was in a polyamorous relationship with a couple....

...I became very active in the poly community, helping to run and organize events. I made a lot of friends through that, some of whom I’m still really close with. I was dating a man and a woman, both fairly seriously, when I met the man I can only describe as my soul mate. I know that terms like that are cheesy as hell, and I’m sorry to use it, but how else do you describe the person that, after two dates, you want to tell all of your darkest, most painful secrets to? Whom you trust absolutely? Who seems to understand you in a way that is completely unexpected, and just as completely wonderful? Seriously, I’m asking.

...Now, I don’t want this to come across as some kind of critique of polyamory.... It made me more open about my needs and a better communicator. It also helped me get over my lingering social anxiety. I’m still a fairly introverted person, but I’m not scared of social situations the way that I used to be, and I can only be grateful about that. I’m also really grateful to the people within that community, who are, by and large, friendly, thoughtful, engaging, and generous with their time and advice.

...There is a certain sense of scorn in the poly community for knights, the (usually) men who think that the (usually) women in the community are just waiting for the right guy to come along and rescue them. That’s a sentiment that I still agree with, to a certain extent. Polyamory is a totally valid choice, and to assume that someone is only practicing it because they haven’t met the right person yet is, frankly, wrongheaded.

On the other hand, sometimes I wonder if maybe I wasn’t waiting for that very thing....

Read the article (April 21, 2014).

I know what you're thinking. "She's young, she'll get over it." Maybe, but that reminds me of what my mother said years ago when I told her I was living with two lovers.




Blogger N. said...

Or maybe it's exactly what's right for her. But, yes, humans are not static creatures. She may waft back toward ethical nonmonogamy, or toward a different monogamous relationship, or stay with this guy until they die. No telling.

April 21, 2014 7:22 PM  
Anonymous Juliette Siegfried said...

I have no problem with monogamy or with people switching to monogamy. However there is an implication that if you meet your "soul mate", i.e., someone with all those qualities she listed, then you are meant to be together monogamously. And there's also the implication that there is "something deeper" (and hence better) about monogamy. These things are not necessarily true.

I wish she had just said this fellow and monogamy suited her better at this time, rather than including all those implications, but I guess that wouldn't have made much of an article, would it.

April 22, 2014 9:04 AM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

Well, at least she did exactly what we all want the right to do -- she looked at all the different relationship options out there with an open mind, and made an informed choice on which one was best for her. I wish more people who end up monogamous did it like this; maybe there'd be more happy couples out there.

April 22, 2014 10:22 AM  
Anonymous Eve said...

I had the exact same problem with this that Juliette had. I have no problem with people choosing mono or poly, or moving between them depending on what works for them. And this seems like a great example of a game-changing relationship.

But I took issue with the assumptions underlying her choices:

If you meet your "soul mate," you won't want to be poly anymore.

Polyamory only works until you want "a deeper connection."

There was a sense permeating the article that the kind of bond she had or was seeking with this guy wouldn't be possible in a poly relationship--like poly relationships are somehow lighter--and that assumption was so strong it was basically unspoken, and thus unchallenged.

April 23, 2014 3:54 PM  
Anonymous Eve said...

And the headline (which I realize the author didn't write, but still...) would seem to say that people are only poly until they fall in love.

April 23, 2014 4:02 PM  
Anonymous Eugenia said...

I agree with the others; meeting your soul mate doesn't mean that you leave poly.

I met the person who I'm pretty sure is my soul mate over a year ago. Every time we spend the night together, I still get as excited as I did the first few months at we were dating. We still frequently have mock-arguments about which one of us is imaginary, because we're too perfect for each other to both be real (and yes, we regularly make people want to barf with our cuteness. I'm not sorry.).

He and his other girlfriend are moving in with me in a few months. I have no intention to stop dating the married couple that I've been dating for the past few years, or stop pursuing romantic opportunities, when they come my way & feel right. And we (my soul mate & I) have no intention to stop flirting/fooling around with/loving the mutual friend we have who moved abroad, but we get together with when we can.

Soul mates and poly are definitely not mutually exclusive.

April 25, 2014 12:10 PM  

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