Ask Amy blows a poly concern
"tickled to have pissed-off the pollies." Maybe that's why she blew a reader's question this week. Normally she's a mind-your-own-business type, but...
Ask Amy: Couple is confused by polyamorous friends
Dear Amy: My husband and I recently discovered that our closest friends (another couple) are having an open relationship. They say they are “polyamorous.”
I am having a very hard time accepting this. They were in our wedding, and we were in theirs. In the last 10 years I can’t remember having a single disagreement with them, but I can’t seem to get past this.
They didn’t even tell us about it. We found out because the husband was hanging all over another woman very publicly at their annual party. My husband found out what was really going on through another longtime friend.
...These friends of ours are expecting their first child soon, and have asked us to be the child’s godparents.
I am struggling. I know what I am feeling is wrong and that I shouldn’t care what they do.
But I do care. For some dumb reason I feel hurt and sadly disgusted.
I don’t know what I should do. My husband is willing to act like nothing is going on. I don’t think I can.
Should I walk away from a 10-year friendship? Should I try harder to get over my own feelings and ignore it? I thought I was a better and more accepting person.
— Confused Friend
Dear Confused: Your own feelings are the natural consequence of your closest friends’ choice to confound all of your expectations about them.
No, they chose not to confound you; they chose not to tell you about their private life. Why should they have to?
When you stood up with them at their wedding, you witnessed their pledge to be sexually faithful.
Did they say such a pledge? Many couples don't. Many others change their agreement later.
I assume that their choice to let you learn this important detail about them from others might hurt more than your judgment about their behavior.
Because they have declared their marriage to be “open,” you should openly talk to them about it.
If a couple are open with each other, does that really mean an outsider can demand they be open with her?
What's this got to do with how you treat their child after the parents are dead and gone? As someone these days might tweet, "SAD!"
Express your concerns, focusing on the impact on your long friendship.
When you are asked to be a godparent to a child, you are being asked to help the parents provide a spiritual backdrop to the child’s life. Are you willing to carry on this job of being this child’s loyal and constant adult friend through life? I hope so. But this will be a tough choice.
An instance of the original column (week of January 29, 2017).
Labels: advice columns