Polyamory in the News!
. . . by Alan M.

February 14, 2018

Four in a deep poly family will go on NBC Today Show Thursday morning

Update: The segment was preempted by the Florida school shooting. No word yet on rescheduling.

Zaeli writes, "Here's a picture of us last May buying a copy of the Times!" with them in its Sunday Magazine. "Taken at Book People in Austin, Texas. L-R: Blake Wilson, Zaeli Kane, Joe Spurr, Ixi Kirkilis."

Here's one to watch! Four polyfolks, deeply committed to the kitchen-table variety and raising kids, will be on NBC's Today Show tomorrow morning (Thursday Feb. 15) during its 9 to 10 a.m. segment. Zaeli Kane, one of the four, sent me her explanation of why they're doing it and the message they hope comes across:

What you're going to see on Thursday is four consenting adults in three distinct romantic relationships, several types of friendship, and one very fluid family agreement. We hope to dispel some myths about non-monogamy -- that it's for the commitment-averse or the greedy, that it's only about sex, that it's fundamentally less stable -- and instead emphasize that for us, it is simply the result of a practice in solidarity, which happens to deepen adult relationships to intimate levels of trust.

When I say solidarity, I mean internal solidarity between our conscience and our behavior, solidarity amongst ourselves as civil sovereign beings, solidarity in and between our genders, and now, solidarity with other polyamorous families, some of whom may be hiding their light in a closet.

We feel polyamory is not for everyone any more than snowboarding is for everyone -- there's no point in forcing someone to take it up and doing so is asking for drama -- but solidarity is a skill that we all should practice in whatever relationships we do have. That's what we admire about polyamory so that's where we aim to focus.

I love them already. She also tells how the show came about:

In the middle of the summer, an NBC producer found my Twitter account (@zaelikane) after reading Susan Dominus' article "Is An Open Marriage A Happier Marriage?" in The New York Times Magazine last May -- I was pictured on the cover and within the article, along with my husband and our other partners.

[The producer] asked if my husband and I would be interested to participate in a segment on open marriage, and I said we might be IF they included our other partners, because in my opinion, the metamour dynamic is perhaps the most "news-worthy" and socially useful aspect of ethical non-monogamy. By the end of the year it was agreed upon, with a Valentine's peg.

We agreed to put ourselves out there again for a few reasons. First of all, we're obviously already "out". Secondly, there is no more important conversation to us than the pursuit of stable families and ethical relationships. We're all careful people and I've written a lot about this, so we felt prepared to step more deeply into the role of "spokespeople", as we'd inevitably be seen.

We did hesitate, though. As parents and private citizens, we're naturally wary about the spotlight. Backlash after the Times piece wasn't as bad as we'd feared -- we'd braced ourselves, and there is some liberation in not minding what strangers say about you -- but it did bother our friends and loved ones, and it's unnerving to know what strangers are capable of when they strongly disagree with your choices.

But ultimately we're open to sharing with the media, despite a few frustrations (we declined all interviews after the Times article except one, an outlet I won't name, which took up a fair bit of our time for a piece that cut one of us out entirely, which was painful, and in the end they didn't publish it at all -- preempting it, understandably, to cover the firing of James Comey).

We as individuals all feel comfortable with this type of transparency. Collaboration is our mutual passion, and we're flattered to be asked by news sources to offer our perspective for the public record. We are not interested in suggesting that one configuration of love is superior to others. We're not interested in pretending to be perfect. We just hope the lessons we've learned (over and over again) will be useful to others, poly or not!

To that end my partner Blake and I (both comedians), will be launching a YouTube channel this month to address co-parenting, relationship, and cultural dynamics with a healthy dose of levity. But for now if people would like to be in touch, they can find us on Twitter and Instagram, and of course it'd be lovely to hear some support there because mostly it's the trolls that bother to comment!

Our names: Zaeli Kane, Joe Spurr, Blake Wilson, Ixi Kirkilis




Watch this link for the video of their segment after it airs. I'll also post a followup.


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