Friday Polynews Roundup: More poly TV coming. Why so many triads? New space for platonic romantic friendship, and more
By Sonaiya KelleyAMC's new anthology series "Soulmates" imagines a world in which knowing one's fated love is only a test away. ......The show's third episode, "Little Adventures," which aired Monday [Oct. 19], follows Libby and Adam, a happily married couple.... After Libby's test results pair her with Miranda, she has to figure out which partner to choose — or if there's a possibility of making it work with both."It felt like a very relevant story to tell now about how relationships are changing," said [series co-creator Will] Bridges. "We wanted... an honest look on how (polyamory) affects the characters within that relationship."...The writers drew on the experiences of people they know to inform their characters."I had a lot of friends, particularly in L.A., who [were a part of] throuples and dealt with all the different politics of open relationships," said [the show's other co-creator, Brett] Goldstein. ... "I think there's something weird about how we always say 'It takes a village to raise a child,' but when it comes to our relationships, we believe in only one person to do everything," he added. "When you put it like that, that's mad.""Remember like 20 years ago yoga was really weird? Now everyone does yoga and there's nothing weird about it," said Bridges. "And I feel like there's a world maybe where open relationships, or at least untraditional non-monogamous relationships, are much more acceptable and an option rather than, 'Oh, that's a weird thing you're up to.' "...[Lead actor Shamier Anderson says,] "I did a bit of research but not too much, because my character was unfamiliar with it." ..."I think [open relationships] work when people are being open to the possibilities of it," said Bridges. ... "With the research that we did and all the people we spoke to, it becomes clear that it's not about sex," he added. "It's not about the tantalizing idea of what it's like to have another person to have a sexual relationship with. It becomes about what each person brings to the relationship and how that affects what you give to each person."
Relationship Anarchy logo
The passing of the romantic friendship as an understood thing has been a tragic loss for the modern world. Today "romantic" and "intimate" are so synonymous with "sexual" that many people can't imagine a working alternative. Unless they know about asexuals (aces) in their various varieties, who have self-identified and found each other only recently, or the very modern philosophy of relationship anarchy — the younger, wilder, overlapping sibling of polyamory.
Polyamory and asexuality, both of which push back against the notion that a monogamous sexual relationship is the key to a fulfilling adult life, are rapidly gaining visibility. Expanding the possible roles that friends can play in one another’s lives could be the next frontier.
...You discuss the concept of jealousy and compersion.... Is jealousy an inevitable part of non-monogamy, or if it's possible to get to a place of full compersion?I've written about this recently [Imagine There's No Jealousy, Aeon, Feb. 27, 2019] and tried to think about it in more detail. What I've put in the book [is] based on this academic article I published [Compersion: An Alternative to Jealousy?, Journal of the American Philosophical Association, Summer 2020] where I'm thinking through those questions....[Some] people think jealousy is inevitable and you can never get rid of it. Other people take a completely different view and think it's easy. The emotion is linked to two things. One is our sense of personal vulnerability. The other is our beliefs about what we're entitled to, what we expect from other people, what we deserve....It's relatively easy... to change your beliefs about relationships. You might think, 'Well, I've had all these dodgy beliefs about what I can expect from a partner or what I'm entitled to or how they should behave.' And so, change your kind of attitudes in that way.At the same time, the fact that you've changed those beliefs — you feel less entitled, you don't think that you possess your partner, you don't think can claim their attention — doesn't necessarily mean that you can alter — or alter quickly — your personal vulnerability ... [or] the way you get attached to people. ...I know lots of people who've thought about this a lot, and they've got a clear sense of what they think is justified or not justified, and they think jealousy is not justified ... but nonetheless they feel horrifically insecure and vulnerable.
Mirror on wall, by Suhyeon Choi
...For monogamy, some of the bad press comes from the assumption it’s the natural way of things, as opposed to a practice that’s long been promulgated and bolstered by patriarchy and land (read ownership over other people) rights.But monogamy also has plenty going for it.Even though the “one-and-only” approach to love is prone to abuse through hush-hush affairs and their fallout, even though it’s vulnerable, as we all are, to the monotony of life and the law of entropy, having an “other half” provides a reliable data point – a mirror, as it were....In my case... polyamory has providing me with, at best, a glorious infinity mirror, at worst a nightmarish funhouse of reflections in which my sense of who I really am becomes as stretched and distorted as the bedsheets in a cheap motel....Of all the benefits of polyamory, the one I’ve found most invaluable is the growing awareness that my relationships and the self-esteem I derive from them are chiefly my responsibility. There actually is no house of mirrors, no magic mirror on the wall – it’s you and what you bring to those around you that matters.
1. They don't really get jealous [some don't, anyway, or at least not so much]2. It's not all about sex3. Sometimes people just fall into the lifestyle4. It involves a lot of communication5. It's not always easy6. Kids don't complicate things as much as you might think7. It doesn't always work
Janie, Cody, Maggie (TriAdventures / Instagram)
...Maggie and Cody first met on Tinder in February 2016, but became a throuple after meeting Janie in November that year.In a video on TikTok, Janie says that while they weren't planning to end up in a relationship "it just sort of happened."Cody and Maggie married in January 2018 at a courthouse and held a ceremony in May, where Janie was the maid of honour....
Now they share their life on social media on YouTube, TikTok and Instagram, from their home in Chattanooga, southeastern Tennessee.In a video, Janie says that meeting their pair was the "best thing that ever happened to me."In one video, which has been seen three million times, she explains how they manage the bedroom dynamic.Janie shows off their king-size bed and says that sometimes the couple do all sleep there together sometimes.She adds: "I sleep in the middle and Maggie and Cody sleep on either end."But its not actually normal for all three of us to sleep together.""And we don't have a sleep schedule. Usually we just decide whoever sleeps in the King by whoever hasn't been sleeping the best recently goes to sleep by themself."...
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Labels: books, Friday Polynews Roundup, monogamy, platonic, relationship anarchy, tabloids, TV
The term "line marriage" as outlined in a number of mid 20th Century novels by Robert Heinlein, might be used for open group relationships of more than six. Any open, stable, large group relationship will eventually become multi-generational.
Another word that has been in use for the past decade or so is polycule. It lacks the formality of line marriage, and implies a large group with no particular membership requirements.
We are approaching 6 kind of sideways. There are the four of us who have been together 20 years this month. Then there are two longtime relationships outside the core family that have been going on a bit more than 10 years.
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