Polyamory in the News!
. . . by Alan M.

March 22, 2021

THE 3 best Poly-101 articles to share out, IMHO. (And news updates)

New to this thing and looking for good Poly 101 overviews? Or know someone who is?

Or maybe someday you'll want fine guidance to send someone?

They, or you, might land on something mediocre in the mainstream media, like this recent throwaway in the UK's Independent newspaper. Or you might happen to land on a really good one, like this in the fashion magazine InStyle three months ago: Everything You Need to Know About Polyamorous Relationships (despite its overclaiming title).

Or you could leave the mass-market track and find your way to a gem...

● ...Such as this series on Scarleteen, a renowned site for "sex ed for the real world: inclusive, comprehensive, supportive sexuality and relationships info for teens and emerging adults".

The series comes in three parts:
A First Polyamorous Guide,  I Think I'm Poly; How do I Initiate Open Relationships?,  and Relationship Structure and Troubleshooting: Navigating Poly Relationships, all by Mo Ranyart and s. e. smith. Some content is repeated to make each article stand well alone. They appeared in July 2017 but I discovered them just now.

In speaking to teens directly as intelligent people, the authors dwell on insightful and sophisticated concepts that a 15-year-old learning about love can grasp -- experienced adults too -- and that you might not find elsewhere, because the articles are designed for people the authors care about rather than for clicks. For instance,

     – The difference between the default state of a new relationship where no one's established the relationship structure, and an explicitly polyamorous one, is the thought and intention that's been put into it.

     – If you don't have a great track record of honesty with previous partners, or have found that communication is tough for you to initiate, now's the time to really dig into those skills and think about how to apply them in your relationships. It gets easier with practice, and when you're balancing multiple relationships there are usually plenty of opportunities to polish those skills. And communication within poly is sure excellent practice.

     – When you're opening up an established relationship, keeping that original relationship strong and intact can be a goal that winds up driving a lot of your decisions.... And while it's fine to prioritize one relationship over others in terms of time or emotional energy devoted to it, it's not okay to discount a new partner's feelings or treat them as disposable if problems arise with an established partner. 

     – Especially early on, it's helpful to have some periodic check-ins with your partners, to make sure things are moving smoothly and everyone's still happy with the relationship structure. There may be ongoing conversations, negotiations, or adjustments that need to happen to make sure everyone is feeling comfortable with their individual relationships, and with the larger poly structure as a whole. ... These don't always have to be big, scary conversations; sometimes just saying "I'm feeling pretty good about this, are you?" and hearing an affirmative in response can be a solid reassurance.

     – You might hear... “I don’t care what you do as long as you don’t tell me" or "my partner doesn’t care what I do as long as they don't hear about it.” This is something we call “information sequestering,” where a partner is suggesting that open communication isn’t necessary.... At best, it suggests that someone involved in the situation may be uncomfortable with opening their relationship, and someone will get hurt. At worst, it could mean that someone is cheating, and keeping their partner out of the loop is a deliberate way to avoid the truth coming out.

There's also serious treatment of STIs, safer sex, and discussing your safe-sex boundaries early (well before the heat of the moment), with links to the abundant safer-sex information elsewhere on the site.

●  This especially good Poly 101 just went up a few days ago, in the Healthy Living section of the widely used and respected UK medical site NetDoctor:  Polyamorous relationships explained. "41 ways to understand polyamorous relationships, dating and sex." (March 15)

It's long, and thorough and gently factual the way medical sites are. Amazingly, it hits more than 100 points correctly IMO with just one or two partial fumbles. That's an extraordinary score, especially for a one-source article (she's sex therapist Tatyana Dyachenko).

Just one sample, the summation at the end:   


By Annie Hayes

...41. The bottom line.

Different people express love in different ways, so just like monogamous relationships, no two poly relationships are the same. Polyamory is about opening up your ideas of love, sex, and intimacy – you're not looking for just one person to share a romantic or sexual connection with, but several. Above all, it's about respect, communication, and trust.

●  And third, another all-time favorite Poly 101 of mine is The Coffee Break Primer on Polyamory by Ada Powers. It's more broadly philosophical, and is especially clear-eyed about what you're getting into. It's the one with that haunting illo you remember of astronaut moves being demonstrated to a 1940s audience.


UPDATE about HBO Max's "There's No 'I' in Threesome".  Gabrielle Smith, writing for Cosmopolitan, does a thorough takedown of so many things wrong with this self-centered, deceitful, open-relationship-experiment-gone-wrong docu-drama by Jan Oliver Lucks: 9 Reasons HBO Max's New Documentary "There's No 'I' in Threesome" Made Me Want to Literally Scream (Feb. 15). Pass that link to anyone who needs it. Post that link in comments you make about the film or in others' comments you see. 

UPDATE about Craig Ivey, the supposed "polyamorous tantric sex guru" in the tabloids for his affair nine years ago with now-congresswoman Marjorie Taylor Greene (R-QAnon), she of the Jewish space lasers. Ivey is looking better, considering. He confirms that “It does sadden me to see the type of person [Greene] has chosen to become,” says “Am I a Tantric Sex guru? Fuck no. I found Tantra about 4 years ago,” and he has posted a statement about his discovery of polyamory, his insights about himself in learning how to do it well for all concerned, and other matters. Two panels from that:

Craig Ivey at home


ANNOUNCEMENT:  Online event, Abuse in Polyamory. "Join this global live event hosted by Poly Pages. Join our host Claire Travers as she sits down with Alicia, Eve and Sydney for this live one-off event. This event will run on April 17. This event will be 90 minutes long.

"Abuse can happen in any relationship, whether you have one partner, two partners, or more. A polyamorous relationship is not any more or less likely to be abusive than a monogamous one, however having multiple partners may create unique situations that abusive people may exploit. Our social understandings of abuse assume a mono-normative relationship, leading to poor understandings and awareness of the ways abuse may present in a non-monogamous dynamics. In this one-off, live event - join three polyamorous survivors, educators and writers in a global conversation about abuse in polyamory. Facilitated by Poly Pages -- an academic non-monogamous platform -- this event is a facilitated, closed panel discussion. This panel will include: how we speak about abuse in polyamory, how abuse may present in polyamory, and how we as individuals and as communities, can address abuse in polyamory."

Paid event; modest cost; sliding scale.

Have an announcement that belongs here? Email me at alan7388 (AT) gmail.com. 

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