Washington Post: For the wedding season, "How polyamorous people are marking commitment to multiple partners"

Just out at the Washington Post: How polyamorous people are marking commitment to multiple partners (May 16, print and online). Because it's spring wedding season.

"Polyamory is going mainstream," comments Michael Rios, who sent me the link. "This is from the Lifestyle section, and reads almost like talking about the latest in diet trends or evening wear."

María Alconada Brooks / Washington Post

By Suzannah Weiss

Sarah Brylinsky, a 34-year-old working in higher education in Ithaca, N.Y., is legally married to 36-year-old farm manager Brandon Brylinsky. Two years ago, on a camping trip a decade into their relationship, they met 35-year-old Matte Namer, the founder of a real estate firm.

All three of them fell in love.

The Brylinskys and Namer are polyamorous, which means they are open to romantic relationships with more than one person at a time. They started going on dates together, and soon after, Namer moved in with the Brylinskys. Now, the three plan to have a child, and they want to make their relationship official so that they can be recognized by their community as a family.

But how do you make a relationship official when there are three people in it?

Polyamory is a form of consensual non-monogamy — when people have more than one sexual or romantic partner at once with all partners’ permission. A 2021 study in Frontiers in Psychology found that one in nine single American adults had engaged in polyamory.

[Meet Janie and Maggie and Cody, a throuple surviving the pandemic together]

In legal terms, polyamorous people are unable to marry all their of partners: It is illegal throughout the United States to marry more than one person at a time. Somerville, Mass., is thought to be the first U.S. city to legally recognize polyamorous domestic partnerships, which it started doing in 2020.

However, people like Namer and the Brylinskys are utilizing an option that symbolically, though not legally, binds all three of them: a commitment ceremony.

Commitment ceremonies are events that celebrate any number of people’s commitment to one another, and they can look many different ways, according to Connecticut-based marriage and family therapist Kristen C. Dew.

She’s seen some that “resemble the typical monogamous couples’ weddings,” she said, while others are parties or outdoor gatherings. She also said that “many opt for handfasting ceremonies,” or choose unique items as symbols of their love.

The ceremony that Namer and the Brylinskys are planning will be similar to a wedding. They’re discarding some traditions: They’ll have a cookie table instead of a cake, for example. But they will all make vows to one another. In addition, the Brylinskys will create a joint vow just for Namer, and vice versa, they said.

“We met Matte as a couple; there was a relationship that came before them, and it’s both important to establish that we made a family together and to acknowledge that we transitioned our existing relationship to make room for that,” Sarah said.

Ambyr D’Amato, a wedding planner based in New York, is helping to plan this ceremony. She said she has worked with several other polyamorous people on commitment ceremonies: In one of them, a couple that was already married waited at the end of the aisle, and the third person walked down the aisle to symbolically join them.

“It was important to [the third person], since they were not legally married to anybody, that they had a ceremony where they could involve their family and have things be more in the open,” D’Amato said. The event took place in Central Park, she added, replete with flowers, champagne, oysters and live music.

...Rachael, a 37-year-old writer, and Tom, a 36-year-old tech adviser — both based in Santa Barbara, Calif. — were legally married for financial and logistical reasons in 2015, but they publicly became each other’s spouses during a commitment ceremony on the lawn of the Santa Barbara courthouse six months earlier. ...

[They] said they are non-monogamous and are open to committing themselves to an additional partner. Part of the reason they joined through a commitment ceremony is so that, if they do decide to hold another one with a third person, all three of them will be on the same footing, they said.

...Jessica Fern, a Boulder-based psychotherapist who works with polyamorous people, touted the potential benefits of ceremonies like this.

“When someone experiences legal marginalization for their relationship structure or style, commitment ceremonies can go a long way to deepen a relationship, publicly acknowledge its significance, and even assuage some of the pain and injustice that being a minority can create,” she said.

Fern’s clients who have undergone commitment ceremonies have reported feeling more secure in their relationships as a result, she said: “They have more of a structure that they can rely on that’s bigger than just them. They can lean on each other in hard times, like, ‘I made this commitment.’ ”

But many non-monogamous people say they don’t feel safe holding an event as public as a commitment ceremony, because of existing stigma. And while those in polyamorous relationships can work with lawyers to secure certain legal protections (Namer and the Brylinskys are working with the Chosen Family Law Center to ensure they all have equal status as parents of their future child), a commitment ceremony does not confer the same rights as a legal wedding.

Some non-monogamous people hope that this will change in the future. “We have the right to be with our loved ones and share the resources that we would normally get to share in a monogamous context,” Fern said. ...

Read the whole article.

●  Want more poly ceremony examples and ideas? Start at Offbeat Bride with its 44 articles featuring 44 polyamorous commitment ceremonies. All with gorgeous photography.

●  And for fixing up important legal stuff you may need as committed unmarrieds, check with the Chosen Family Law Center for information and referrals.

-------------------------------   

Back 14 years ago when the polyamorous possibility was still little known, the same Style section of the Post ran a groundbreaking feature article on the annual Poly Living convention, which I attended. The reporter they sent was sharp, brilliant, accurate, and knew how to pry critically without scaring her subjects off. They recognized a coming story when they saw it.

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"The Nonmonoga-Moms Next Door," and other polyamory news

Let's start with the parenting magazine Romper, which has just put up a 4,000-word feature with the arresting title The Nonmonoga-Moms Next Door (May 9). It's full of interesting bits.

Not everyone has their needs met in a single relationship, and the only avenue for satisfying those needs within monogamy is cheating. What if there’s a much better way?

Kid-quad: Adam, Mike, Kelly, and Max are raising two young children.

By Margaret Wheeler Johnson

...This time the comments filled with women, often mothers, often married, admitting — before God, their employers, and brands that pay influencers — that they, too, were nonmonogamous. Some of them had been for years. “My ex and I started exploring poly in the last few years of our marriage. I realized how much I had overlooked my needs and wants to keep things calm. I realized that ‘good enough’ wasn’t good enough,” wrote one woman. [Wrote another,] “The thing is, it's not really my husband that's super non-monogamous — it's me. It always comes from me.”

...Between 4% and 5% practice [consensual non-monogamy], which is way less than you might think if you live in Massachusetts or Northern California, where it can seem as if at least one kid in every class hails from a polycule [I'm in Massachusetts, and yes, that's an exaggeration –Ed.]. ... There is no published data on how many parents are openly nonmonogamous.

...For consenting adults, [CNM] makes a lot of sense. When you have children, some mothers are discovering, it makes even more sense. While the risks are considerable — researchers have found that stigma against nonmonogamy is “robust,” not all forms of nonmonogamy are equally satisfying, and all seem to require NASA-level organization and communication — for the women who have embraced it, the upside is higher. [Many] say it makes them better primary partners and better mothers.

Polyamory (being in more than one committed, romantic relationship simultaneously), in particular, offers a pressure valve for the untenable two-earner family structure that finally broke during the pandemic. According to the women I spoke with, nonmonogamy works — even better than advertised. It works so well, you might find yourself asking: Why don’t more of us try this? Why haven’t we all along?

The story profiles polycules and CNM couples and gives an early report on some upcoming research news:

...In another paper, soon to be published in Archives of Sexual Behavior, [Terri] Conley looks at the ways that different types of ethical nonmonogamy yield different levels of happiness.

Polyamorists, those who are in love with more than one person at a time, have the greatest overall relationship satisfaction. The next happiest are swingers — couples who together seek out sex with others. People in open relationships, who seek outside partners independently with the expectation that these extracurricular liaisons will not interfere with the primary couple, come in last.

The study doesn’t ultimately draw conclusions about this hierarchy of contentment, but Conley has theories. Open relationships ironically involve the least openness, which can turn them into minefields of blurry parameters and perceived betrayals. Also, such relationships often open not out of a desire to expand or enhance an already good thing, but as an attempt to fill a void. "I think sometimes they would actually prefer to be monogamous, but circumstances dictate that they're adopting this approach,” says Conley. “They're in a long-distance relationship, or their partner is in some way physically not able to do the type of sex they want to do.”

Swingers are happier because their extracurricular encounters are not just known to their partners, but they constitute a shared hobby that couples do together. (Golf isn’t for everyone.) Plus, swinging is associated with the highest sexual satisfaction — the entire activity is organized around seeking excellent sex — and couples who find sexual satisfaction together are generally happier. Polyamorists win because the near-constant open communication and honesty that polyamory requires is associated with better relationships of any kind. ...

As for the photo above,

Another of Woolf’s commenters was Kelly Knight, a 39-year-old marketing executive who lives in a house in the Bay Area with her spouse, Mike, a software engineering manager; her other partner, Adam; and Mike’s other partner, Max. Mike and Knight are legal parents to a daughter Knight gave birth to in 2016. In September, Knight had her second child, conceived with Adam, who is on the baby’s birth certificate. All four partners are raising the two kids.

Romper

If this sounds complex, it is. ... Parenting by committee can be especially challenging — all resentments must be talked out at a weekly meeting, "otherwise the passive aggression can kind of get out of control” — but Knight has noticed distinct benefits.

Kelly Knight and her partners.

In her household, not only are responsibilities divided between four trusted adults, but because they are coordinating four work schedules and eight date nights even before factoring in household chores and child care, tasks are allocated only according to who is free. “Nobody can just assume, 'Oh, the moms [Max is non-binary but was assigned female at birth] are doing this or the dads are doing this.’ It has allowed my male partners, who have always been really feminist, to view my work as just as important as theirs and view their involvement in parenting as just as important, too.”

In the pandemic, when many professional women have seen their careers vanish as child care options evaporated, this has been even more valuable to Knight. ...

...Last but definitely not least, Max and Mike (Knight’s partners who aren’t her younger daughter’s biological parents) take the baby for three nights a week, giving Knight uninterrupted sleep those nights. How sexy is that?

Read on.

Margaret Johnson says she was inspired to write this piece by the huge popular response to longtime mom-blogger Rebecca Woolf — who posted on Instagram about how, after her husband died, she embarked on a life of abundant solo non-monogamy (insulated from her kids) and realized that this was the life she was meant for. The mail flooded in. Woolf wrote, "After speaking candidly to many [readers] via DM, I have come to realize how … women are often assumed to desire monogamy in our relationships when that isn’t necessarily the case. At all."

Yesterday Woolf published an article explaining her new life: I Married Young. I Was Widowed Young. I Never Want A Long-Term Partner Again (May 10, at Refinery29).

...We assume that one great love story is more powerful than a dozen shorter ones ... But, forming emotional attachment with short-term partners is actually an incredibly expansive feeling. In fact, I’ve arguably grown more from the relatively short relationships I have been in since my husband died than I did in my 13 years of marriage, because now I can be honest with myself. I can live shamelessly within the boundaries of my own construction while destroying the societal boundaries I have always felt uneasy within. 

● In other recent poly in the news — 1 in 6 Single Americans Report a Desire to Try Polyamory, comments consensual non-monogamy (CNM) researcher Justin Lehmiller on his Sex and Psychology blog (May 5).

He's writing about a new study titled Desire, Familiarity, and Engagement in Polyamory: Results From a National Sample of Single Adults in the United States by Amy C. Moors, Amanda N. Gesselman, and Justin R. Garcia, published in Frontiers in Psychology (online March 23). The study also includes new information on the prevalence of polyamory as loosely defined, and finds the interesting statistic that only 1 in 3 who have tried it wish to do so again. It includes a handy review of previous research on consensual non-monogamy numbers. 

But the study comes with two limitations. It surveyed only single Americans, omitting those partnered or married, because of the availability of a demographically representative data pool of 3,438 single American adults to work from. In this pool, the number with a lifetime history of CNM was only about half that reported elsewhere for Americans generally. That makes sense: After people leave the singles pool to marry or otherwise partner long-term, some will go on to have their first CNM experience as the years pass, adding to the lifetime incidence of CNM overall.

Secondly, the researchers defined "polyamory" in their questionnaire as merely being "in a committed, sexual and romantic relationship with multiple people at the same time," leaving out a crucial part of the standard definition: "with the knowledge and consent of all involved" — even though the authors include that in their definition of polyamory in the paper's introductory parts. Thus, the questionnaire also swept up secret cheaters and informal bigamists: people having two partners with neither aware that the other exists.

That includes quite a bit of what goes on in the world and contaminates the data in the survey about polyamory as commonly defined — even by the authors of the paper. It's surprising to see such seasoned researchers in this field making such a basic mistake, which is bound to result in confusion over the results and popular misreporting.

● Next: A gorgeous polyam wedding, and other poly wedding resources.  Group-marriage ceremonies have no legal standing in the US and you can get in serious trouble if you pretend they do. But that doesn't stop triads, quads and more from holding their own commitment ceremonies with all the trappings but the certificate. Offbeat Bride has published another in its long series of these events, with lots of gushing and lavish photography, just in time for the wedding season: How to have a romantic polyamorous triad wedding (April 30).

Creatrix Photography

David, Jolene, and Stephani had their polyamorous triad wedding in Austin, TX. The three partners have been together for six years, functioning as an open triad. This means they have other partners, and they practice what's known as kitchen table polyamory — the philosophy that all partners communicate openly, and that everyone could sit around a kitchen table and get along.

"We always have our other partners and other metamours together," Stephani explained.

The triad's wedding was a celebration of these ideals, with a very special first look and a carefully designed ceremony…. 

How was it planning a polyamorous triad wedding? Stephani explains:

It was hard. You can't just Google how to plan a polyamorous wedding. [Sure you can! –Ed.] After I got past the 'Oh shit, how do I do it," it got better… I realized I could still plan a 'regular' wedding by just adding a person!

...The triad's photographer, Jenna Avery from Creatrix Photography, explains how she coordinated the first look photos:

In order to capture the magic of each separate relationship, each pairing had their own moments first. Stephanie with David, Stephanie and Jolene, and then Jolene with David. Finally, all three of them came together! The same was done for the “couples” portraits and how they planned the actual ceremony and first dances. As the photographer, I was very careful to honor each dynamic and shoot each pairing as uniquely as possible. As a wedding photographer with a strong polyamorous background, I knew that regardless of their own chosen dynamic, my job was to make sure I treated every relationship as equally as possible. It’s tricky, but it all worked out!!

Stephanie:  "How do you stand with three people and the person who is officiating? How can everyone see all of us while sitting? Where does the wedding party stand? Who walks down first? So many questions."

We decided to have three sections for the guests. My husband walked down first, then me, and finally our wife. We stood in a triangle with the officiate off to the side. The bridal party was mixed up and standing off to the sides. Little details like that stressed me out! Of course, by the end of the day, it didn't matter.

When we asked Stephani if she had any advice to share with other polyamorous folks, here were thoughts on how to have a polyamorous triad wedding:

I would say, be open to all ideas. Focus on what you want and just make it happen. This doesn't happen every day, people won't know the difference. If you want a traditional feel, you can still have that. If you want the full wedding experience, hire the DJ, the photographer, the photo booth, and Bar. Just because it's more than two people doesn't make it less of a wedding.

...We have a deep archive of poly wedding planning posts, but here are a few you might enjoy….

And some more readings from elsewhere:

–  "I went to a polyamorous wedding and it was the weirdest day of my life." (MamaMia, Nov. 3, 2017)

– When Your Partner Is Getting Married to Somebody Who Isn't You, by Andre Shakti. "Helping my boyfriend and his fiancé plan their wedding has been one of the more bizarre aspects of polyamorous living." (Mel, a men's magazine, 2017)  

– Polyamorous Wedding Ceremony: The Ties That Bind, by Page Turner (Poly.Land, Oct. 24, 2016)

– Polyamorous wedding rings, including ads for them. 

– Forty zillion pics.

That's all for this time! Next up: the United Church of Christ opens to polyamory on its national website.

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