Washington Post: For the wedding season, "How polyamorous people are marking commitment to multiple partners"

Just out at the Washington Post: How polyamorous people are marking commitment to multiple partners (May 16, print and online). Because it's spring wedding season.

"Polyamory is going mainstream," comments Michael Rios, who sent me the link. "This is from the Lifestyle section, and reads almost like talking about the latest in diet trends or evening wear."

María Alconada Brooks / Washington Post

By Suzannah Weiss

Sarah Brylinsky, a 34-year-old working in higher education in Ithaca, N.Y., is legally married to 36-year-old farm manager Brandon Brylinsky. Two years ago, on a camping trip a decade into their relationship, they met 35-year-old Matte Namer, the founder of a real estate firm.

All three of them fell in love.

The Brylinskys and Namer are polyamorous, which means they are open to romantic relationships with more than one person at a time. They started going on dates together, and soon after, Namer moved in with the Brylinskys. Now, the three plan to have a child, and they want to make their relationship official so that they can be recognized by their community as a family.

But how do you make a relationship official when there are three people in it?

Polyamory is a form of consensual non-monogamy — when people have more than one sexual or romantic partner at once with all partners’ permission. A 2021 study in Frontiers in Psychology found that one in nine single American adults had engaged in polyamory.

[Meet Janie and Maggie and Cody, a throuple surviving the pandemic together]

In legal terms, polyamorous people are unable to marry all their of partners: It is illegal throughout the United States to marry more than one person at a time. Somerville, Mass., is thought to be the first U.S. city to legally recognize polyamorous domestic partnerships, which it started doing in 2020.

However, people like Namer and the Brylinskys are utilizing an option that symbolically, though not legally, binds all three of them: a commitment ceremony.

Commitment ceremonies are events that celebrate any number of people’s commitment to one another, and they can look many different ways, according to Connecticut-based marriage and family therapist Kristen C. Dew.

She’s seen some that “resemble the typical monogamous couples’ weddings,” she said, while others are parties or outdoor gatherings. She also said that “many opt for handfasting ceremonies,” or choose unique items as symbols of their love.

The ceremony that Namer and the Brylinskys are planning will be similar to a wedding. They’re discarding some traditions: They’ll have a cookie table instead of a cake, for example. But they will all make vows to one another. In addition, the Brylinskys will create a joint vow just for Namer, and vice versa, they said.

“We met Matte as a couple; there was a relationship that came before them, and it’s both important to establish that we made a family together and to acknowledge that we transitioned our existing relationship to make room for that,” Sarah said.

Ambyr D’Amato, a wedding planner based in New York, is helping to plan this ceremony. She said she has worked with several other polyamorous people on commitment ceremonies: In one of them, a couple that was already married waited at the end of the aisle, and the third person walked down the aisle to symbolically join them.

“It was important to [the third person], since they were not legally married to anybody, that they had a ceremony where they could involve their family and have things be more in the open,” D’Amato said. The event took place in Central Park, she added, replete with flowers, champagne, oysters and live music.

...Rachael, a 37-year-old writer, and Tom, a 36-year-old tech adviser — both based in Santa Barbara, Calif. — were legally married for financial and logistical reasons in 2015, but they publicly became each other’s spouses during a commitment ceremony on the lawn of the Santa Barbara courthouse six months earlier. ...

[They] said they are non-monogamous and are open to committing themselves to an additional partner. Part of the reason they joined through a commitment ceremony is so that, if they do decide to hold another one with a third person, all three of them will be on the same footing, they said.

...Jessica Fern, a Boulder-based psychotherapist who works with polyamorous people, touted the potential benefits of ceremonies like this.

“When someone experiences legal marginalization for their relationship structure or style, commitment ceremonies can go a long way to deepen a relationship, publicly acknowledge its significance, and even assuage some of the pain and injustice that being a minority can create,” she said.

Fern’s clients who have undergone commitment ceremonies have reported feeling more secure in their relationships as a result, she said: “They have more of a structure that they can rely on that’s bigger than just them. They can lean on each other in hard times, like, ‘I made this commitment.’ ”

But many non-monogamous people say they don’t feel safe holding an event as public as a commitment ceremony, because of existing stigma. And while those in polyamorous relationships can work with lawyers to secure certain legal protections (Namer and the Brylinskys are working with the Chosen Family Law Center to ensure they all have equal status as parents of their future child), a commitment ceremony does not confer the same rights as a legal wedding.

Some non-monogamous people hope that this will change in the future. “We have the right to be with our loved ones and share the resources that we would normally get to share in a monogamous context,” Fern said. ...

Read the whole article.

●  Want more poly ceremony examples and ideas? Start at Offbeat Bride with its 44 articles featuring 44 polyamorous commitment ceremonies. All with gorgeous photography.

●  And for fixing up important legal stuff you may need as committed unmarrieds, check with the Chosen Family Law Center for information and referrals.

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Back 14 years ago when the polyamorous possibility was still little known, the same Style section of the Post ran a groundbreaking feature article on the annual Poly Living convention, which I attended. The reporter they sent was sharp, brilliant, accurate, and knew how to pry critically without scaring her subjects off. They recognized a coming story when they saw it.

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New York Times wedding story: "Happily, Ever Open"

Oh my. You know it's Properly Accepted if it's featured in the high-society Weddings section of the Sunday New York Times. This lavish, 1,700-word article went online yesterday in advance, starting with the grand lead photo below:

"Daley South and Logan South, who have been in an open and polyamorous relationship since they met seven years ago, were married in 2016 in Austin, Tex. Mr. South’s girlfriend, Ilona Westenra (third from bride), served as one of Ms. South’s six bridesmaids. (Creatrix Photography)"

 

Happily, Ever Open

What’s the wedding like when the couple is in an open or polyamorous relationship?

By Maggie Parker

Daley South had six bridesmaids in her 2016 wedding to Logan South; one of them was her husband’s girlfriend.

The Souths are in an open and polyamorous relationship and have been since they started dating seven years ago. “We were actually all dating at first,” Ms. South said of her bridesmaid, Ilona Westenra. “I really enjoyed having her be a part of our big day.”

...All of their guests knew about their relationship status (although their parents weren’t completely on board) and Ms. South was perfectly fine with them spending time together during the event, which was at the TFWC Mansion in Austin, Tex.

...Within their circle, everyone was extremely excited about the Souths’ union.

The groom’s girlfriend, Ms. Westenra, said through an email: “Being in a relationship with the groom obviously offered some awkwardness but the love far outweighed any uncomfortability. Seeing my boyfriend marry the love of his life was the most beautiful thing I’ve ever felt. The love in that room was so overwhelming I couldn’t feel anything but pure love and happiness for the two of them and in extension, myself, because I get to be a part of this wonderful family.”

People who choose to be in non-monogamous relationships are often perceived as anti-commitment, said Cathy Keen, 39, the community manager of alternative dating app Feeld and who is one-third of her relationship. [Remember them?]

But that’s just wrong, said Ms. Keen, who was also asked “what the point was” when she married her non-monogamous partner. “The thing I think a lot of people presume about a relationship that’s not traditional, monogamous or heteronormative is that commitment is not valued. It’s based upon sex and being able to move quickly, and that’s just wrong,” she said.

...On the big day, it seems common for open couples to invite or include their other partners. Anastasia Stevenson, a wedding planner in Los Angeles and Boothbay Harbor, Me., has planned hundreds of events, including two polyamorous ceremonies. One took place at a spa in Malibu, Calif., where a heterosexual couple was having a legal ceremony, with their additional partners incorporated into various parts of the event. ...

...Ms. Keen believes it takes a certain person to make an open relationship work, and “not a neurotic person or a paranoid person.”

“All three of us are very, very comfortable in our own skin,” [Keen] said of herself, her husband and their girlfriend. “That makes you a much better participant in this kind of relationship. Because you’re not relying on anyone else to give you stability. You’re relying on yourself, you’re making your own rules and you have your own boundaries.” ...

See the whole article (online October 2, 2019; in the Sunday print edition Oct. 6 under the title "Happily Ever After, and Open to Others"). It also goes on to discuss the alt-wedding of Nico Tortorella and Bethany Meyers.

P.S. later: After reading the NYT story a bemused columnist in the Marietta, Georgia, Daily Journal wrote, The world's gone off and left us.

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● Also, two weeks ago in the New York Times Sunday Magazine, How to Propose an Open Relationship (online Sept. 19; in print Sept. 22):

Illustration by Radio

By Malia Wollan

“Don’t bring it up during an argument,” says Terri D. Conley, a professor of psychology at the University of Michigan who studies sexuality. If you’re in a monogamous relationship and want to explore making it nonmonogamous, raise the topic gradually. ...

[And yet,] To make what sex researchers call consensual “extradyadic involvement” work, you need to be willing to communicate often and with empathy. Monogamous couples move into nonmonogamy for all kinds of reasons — unmet sexual desire, boredom, illness, curiosity. ...

[And, as an actual poly person might add, falling in love! –Ed.]

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"A whimsical polyamorous wedding joining two families in awesomeness"

Offbeat Bride ("altar your thinking") covers another poly wedding ceremony, with lots of pix. In this case the stars of the occasion were the two women in a two-couple quad in Colorado.

By Katie

We have a polyamorous family. I have been married to Ben for 11 years, Audree has been married to Allan for 11 years; Allan and I are partners, and Ben and Audree are partners. The four of us live together with our children.

Anthony Graham, Broken Glass Photography

There were very few traditional elements to our wedding. Audree and I went for a whimsical and eclectic vibe that centered on joining our two families with a commitment ceremony and a fun party afterward. The venue was a historic elementary school that has been converted to a marketplace and brewery. Our ceremony and reception were in the school's old gym, which serves as an event center.

Cocktail hour was in the brewery's barrel aging room. Our beautiful cake was made by my mom, who does the baking for our family restaurant. We chose a palette of muted rainbow colors. ... Audree and I chose to have our guests seated in a circular arrangement so we could feel surrounded on all sides by those most dear to us. We walked in as a family, first our husbands and son, then our daughters, and then us. ...

Anthony Graham, Broken Glass Photography

See the whole story. The ceremony was on August 12, 2017.

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That delightful site has collected all of its stories tagged "polyamory" under the heading 20+ inspiring polyamorous weddings on Offbeat Bride (though the number of articles is not actually the number of ceremonies covered.) The photography is gorgeous. Some of my faves:


● Briana, Joshua, & Tony's stories and songs love triangle wedding

Carla Ten Eyck Photography

With this wedding, we're getting a two-fer: a legal ceremony between a bride and a groom, and a handfasting ceremony between that bride and groom and their partner. It's all about the tear-y groom, the cake-saving groom, the bride in a gorgeous blue dress, and three people totally in love. And don't miss the tears-welling-like-mad triple kiss!

● Angi & Bret's polyamorous backyard wedding

You may remember this bride from her post about choosing to marry her boyfriend while legally married to her husband. Now we've got the whole story of how it went down, including the bride's husband catering a vegetarian meal, the handcrafted ceremony and vows, and the true meaning of what makes a "real" wedding.

● Kitten, Brynn, and Doll's rainbow garden of poly love three-bride wedding

A gorgeous forest setting, lovely Pagan symbolism, and of course, three fabulous brides in long white gowns! They may have had to find a balance between different backgrounds, religions, and preconceived notions, but the end result was a kick-ass wedding that everyone could enjoy. Just learn from these blue-tongued ladies that a rainbow cake sometimes has it's side effects…

Angie Gaul

● Christine & Derek's misadventurous rainbow hodgepodge of freaks & geeks wedding

This hodgepodge of rainbows and sunny moments has lots of creative awesomeness and colorful memories! The bright rainbow dress! The boyfriend's orange vest! The quiddich robes! The skit before the vows! You guys, tune in for a team that pulled together and laughed together and serenaded the nerves away…

● And getting more serious for a minute, 5 offbeat marriages that may benefit from the assistance of a lawyer

If you thought explaining your poly ceremony to your great-aunt Rose was difficult, imagine having to explain it to a judge. This is one of the few dark areas of the law where a relationship is legal but a wedding [that purports to officialize] the relationship is a crime. There are laws against polyamorous marriages in every state, though enforcement is very spotty.

To protect who and how you love, talking to an attorney who understands the family you're building and the risks you're taking is essential. It's even more important to speak to an attorney about child custody and child support if you're planning on having kids with your partners or already have kids with someone else. There's virtually no automatic protection for all of your partners, but a creative, understanding attorney [for instance –Ed.] can help you build the protections your family needs in ways other than getting married.

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"Six Things I Learned When I Catered My Partners’ Wedding"

Earlier today I mentioned that group marriages are an uncommon form of polyamory. (Technically they don't exist — polygamy is illegal — but I mean life-bonded groups that are marriages in all but law.) Then just as I was writing that, this happy triad marriage story popped up on The Good Men Project:

6 Things I Learned When I Catered My Partners’ Wedding

By JJ Vincent

When my partners got married – to each other – I learned a lot about the people around us.

...We’re a polyamorous relationship and have been for more than three years. Recently, two of the three of us decided that the time was right to get married.

I was not one of the two.

It was an easy decision, but not a light one.... Whatever reasons two people have for committing to one another, it should be done with thought, discussion, and consideration, not because of external pressures or expectations.

I brought the cupcakes.

We began to tell people; by arrangement, I did most of the telling before the ceremony, we all did afterwards. Friends, co-workers, parents, chosen family. I came away with some insights that frankly, I didn’t expect.

1. There was an automatic assumption by many that the marriage of two meant the ending of three. This wasn’t a big surprise from more casual acquaintances, although some of the people who questioned the status of our relationship know us very well.

I think this speaks to the general lack of understanding about polyamorous relationships. No big surprise. There’s not much open conversation about them... and what there is seems to focused on sex, time-sharing, and validating the feelings of the people who say, “I could never do that.” So the idea that marriage, which is still very much about “two”, could allow for a “three”, is confounding. The relationship between the three of us did not change, only the legal status of two of the people....

2. There was an unexpected amount of concern for the “third”.  And for this we were truly grateful.

On the flip side of number one, which assumed no room for a third, were the questions, “Are you okay with this?”, “Is JJ good with this?”, “How do you feel about this?” ...There was genuine concern among our friends that the “third” was okay with this decision.... We were all touched that people wanted to check-in.

3. People are still surprised when you don’t want to get married, even though they knew this, but especially when you fought for marriage equality.  One of the side effects of the right to marry is pressure on gay couples to exercise that right....

4. Parents ask the most unusual questions.  One parent doesn’t get it and wants to know what “take care of each other” means. We expected a lot of objections and questions, but not, “What do you mean, ‘they’ll take care of you’?”, and “What do you mean ‘build a future’?”, things that seem pretty self-explanatory.

One parent sent congratulations and flowers, two bouquets. He was very happy for his child, their marriage, and thank goodness he loves their spouse.

One parent, the ultra-religious one, asked if we were still all going to live in the house, if we were changing bedrooms (what parent asks about bedroom anything!), if there was a name-change or if they were hyphenating, and then got them a lovely card, handwriting a sentiment that showed she got it.

5. Congratulations (and parties) come from very unexpected places.  Like co-workers you get on with, but you aren’t sure if they get the “poly” thing.

They’ve always been nice, but we’re in the South, and for many Southern Politeness goes bone deep. So it’s all the sweeter when suddenly, unexpectedly, your partner tell you that his coworkers threw him a “Congratulations! You got married!” party…. Allies are everywhere, sometimes in unexpected forms, if you give them a chance.

6. Cupcakes make everything better.  Want to make a potentially uncomfortable situation better? Bring cupcakes.

All the better if they are in John Deere green for him, capital-P-Purple for her, and there are cookie-and-frosting sandwiches, too. We did not know how the ceremony would go. It was among a small group of friends, so that was in our favor, but you never know. Seeing it in action, with 1/3 of the relationship on the outside for the majority of the ceremony (I handed them their rings and we had a few minutes hugged together), you don’t know how people will react. When the “third” comes loaded down with frosted treats he made, it’s pretty clear he’s good with this....

JJ Vincent is a 40-something guy who lives in north Alabama with his two partners and their three dogs, five cats, and a hamster. He's a graphic designer, copyeditor, and polycrafter who is equally fond of knitting and NASCAR and gleefully surrounds himself with pink sparkly things.

Read the whole tale (October 6, 2015).

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"Briana, Joshua, & Tony's stories-and-songs love triangle wedding"

Carla Ten Eyck Photography

Offbeat Bride writes up another beautiful poly wedding — this one a legal couple-marriage followed by a triad handfasting. Comments Angi Becker Stevens, who wrote up her own wedding there last summer, "It continues to impress me that a wedding website is one of the most poly-friendly places on the interwebs."

Writes Briana,

We're a little different since we're a trio, not a couple, and I also have cerebral palsy, though that didn't affect the wedding itself. ...Not only is Tony the fantastic, beautiful, and talented third member of our triad (and Joshua's best man), he is also a gifted florist. He made my maid of honor's bouquet, as well as designing the flowers that adorned the tables....

Triple Kiss. (Photos by Carla Ten Eyck Photography.)

Tony made our cake topper, using as inspiration a story I had written Joshua one anniversary. In the story, I was a fox and Joshua was a cat. We refer often to Tony as "the sun" in our relationship, so he used the sun for a base on which the fox and cat would stand. He also sneakily arranged for a surprise grooms' cake that was Rocky Horror Picture Show-themed! Joshua and I first met at a stage production of Rocky Horror, and the triangle was formed years later when all three of us were performing in Rocky Horror together.

...Our recessional, for that matter, was an instrumental version of "Yellow Submarine." We wanted something both triumphant and fun, and that fit the bill. After our legal ceremony, which all our guests attended, Joshua, Tony, and I snuck off with a few close friends to have a second ceremony officiated by my maid of honor: a handfasting, binding all three of us to each other.

Read the whole piece, with lotsa pix (Nov. 14, 2014).

Here are all the poly weddings featured on Offbeat Bride that I've posted about (including this one; scroll down).

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