Today is Metamour Day! Share it out.

And why February 28?

Because it's Valentine's Day times two!

The point of Metamour Day? "Honoring Polyamory's Most Distinctive Relationships."

This got rolling six years ago by the National Coalition for Sexual Freedom. The idea was originally hatched two years earlier, posts cartoonist Anna D. Hirsch, a.k.a. PositivelyPolyAnna. She writes, 

"In 2017, I dreamed about a holiday to celebrate metamours. I bought the URLs MetamourDay.com and WorldMetamourDay.com. ... I was stoked to learn in 2019 that Keira Harbison, having the same important idea, along with the National Coalition for Sexual Freedom launched a Metamour Day initiative, ​declaring February 28 as the day. Later, I shared some of my art with NCSF for their 2020 greeting card contest. I am so happy that this idea is growing.


So why is this a big deal?

Because look at that slogan: Honoring polyamory's most distinctive relationships.

Which is precisely on target.

Your metamour is your lover's other lover. The defining aspect of polyamory – the thing that distinguishes it from other forms of consensual non-monogamy such as open relationships and swinging – is the sense that your metas are significant full persons in regard to you, who require, at minimum, your consideration, respect, and basic good will. 

Even if you hardly know them and/or don't much like them, and even if ordinary politeness is as far as you go. A lot like extended family. Because polyamory carries an implicit ethic that for better or worse, "We're all in this together."

And of course, there's no limit to how close you and your metas may become. 

No other model of romantic love – that magical thing that has enraptured and tormented and driven humanity since humanity began – generalizes its magic into something broader, beyond the private couple-box where most societies have fearfully and rigorously packed it away.

Consider, for instance, that the basic human emotion of compersion did not even have a word until roughly 1980.

●  From Elisabeth Sheff's Metamour Day article a while back, Delighting in Your Beloveds’ Other Lovers:

For more than 20 years I have been studying polyamorous families with kids, and I have seen them face the usual difficulties that come with life – illness, economic challenges, divorce, disability, and the like. What has stood out to me about these families who remain together in long-term polycules – some of them for 60 or more years – is that the metamour relationships make or break the family over the long term. These emotionally intimate, non-sexual chosen family relationships are so important in polyamorous families that I made up the word polyaffective to describe them.

Positive polyaffective relationships among metamours who become chosen family over time are the backbone of the poly family. Metamours who can’t stand each other and are never able to establish comfort (much less delight) in each others’ presence are not going to happily coexist over the long term. Metamours who add value to each others’ lives, however, can not only support each other when life inevitably throws them a curve ball, but also support the polyamorous relationship with their mutual partner if it falls on hard times.

...By promoting Metamour Day, NCSF hopes “to foster positive relationships between you and your metamours, whatever that might look like. It is not about forced compersion. It’s about communal appreciation within our family structures."

If you are lucky enough to have a metamour with whom you share compersion, celebrate them on February 28!

●  That bit about "the metamour relationships make or break the family over the long term"? That's not just Sheff's observation of the families in her own long-term study. Joanna Iwanowska of the University of Warsaw has published a paper titled Metamour Connections as the Underpinning of the Fabric of Polyamory.

"These bonds are significant and constitutive of polyamory," she writes;

...Polyamory stresses not so much the openness to having multiple romantic relationships, but the openness to having metamour relationships with other people. It is this second kind of openness – the openness to metamour contact and communication – that singles out a polyamorous person among other people who might be open to a multiplicity of romantic and/or sexual relationships, e.g. from such a monogamist who leads a double life.

...In a paper that appeared in the Journal of Applied Philosophy, Luke Brunning (2016) writes that “the presence of a third party is a constitutive feature of polyamory” (p. 9), and the third party is typically one’s metamour or a potential metamour. ... In addition to that, I argue that accepting the prospect of one’s partner dating another person entails agreeing to be in a relationship with this person, even if this relationship might remain indirect....  Metamour connections are the underpinning of the fabric of polyamory, and they deserve as much academic attention and research as the polyamorous romantic connections. ...

●  Metamour Day: Celebrating Relational Ecosystems of Care, just up from polycoach and author Aria Diana, on her substack Navigating Non-Monogamy (Feb. 25). "Plus, an update on our metamour book club."

At a time when key cultural and diversity events like Pride Month, Black History Month, and Indigenous People’s Month are being quietly erased from Google Calendars, here’s a holiday that might not even be on your radar: Metamour Day. ...

...Metamour Day celebrates the relationships we share with our partners’ partners—connections that range from deep friendship to respectful distance. It’s a reminder that love exists in ecosystems, not silos, and that the way we relate to one another shapes our broader communities.

...Growing up as the only girl with two brothers, I never imagined I’d later experience something like sisterhood through non-monogamy. But the truth is, there’s a kindred intimacy that sometimes develops in metamour connections—one that mainstream culture offers no script for.

In this season of my life, I’m grateful for two incredible metamours who I adore: Bexx, my nesting partner Skye’s other partner (I wrote about our first polyamorous Christmas back in December), and Salina, my sweetie Justin’s wife (who you may know from our book club video series). In monogamous frameworks, these women would be framed as my competition, even my enemies. But nothing could be further from reality.

Instead, we share something rare and radical. We text each other for support when one of us is struggling, celebrate each other’s wins, and sometimes, we just sit in the tenderness of knowing what it means to care about the same person.

"Enjoying the company of my two fabulous metamours, Bexx and Salina."

Polyamory isn’t just about expanding who we can love romantically—it’s about expanding how we love, period. It’s a quiet revolution against the idea that love is a zero-sum game, that security is found in exclusion, that the only way to be safe is to control. 

...In an increasingly hostile, war-driven, violence-plagued world, polyamory is proof that peace is possible when we lead with love in the places we've been told we should compete.

● A basic, practical Metamours 101 in Cosmopolitan: Metamours: everything to know about your lover’s lover (Mar. 12, 2024)

By Ali Wunderman

At some point as a non-monogamous person, you will very likely experience a new person entering your life via your partner. Congrats, this means you now have a metamour!

...In ethical non-monogamy, having metamours is part of the goal. Multiple people come with the territory, and they too may bring even more people into the mix, making those who are less familiar with the polyamorous lifestyle confused about how things are supposed to work.

So while metamours can bring various joys and challenges with them, it’s not as complicated as it might seem. As is the case with any non-monogamous relationship – and ideally monogamous ones, too – healthy doses of communication and honesty are the key to harmony. So let’s answer some of the biggest questions people have about what life with metamours looks like. ...

There is a misunderstanding that your partner’s lover must share an intimate relationship with you too. But a metamour is first and foremost your partner’s partner, not yours. It’s true that sometimes the relationship can evolve to bring you all together, but that happens circumstantially. In fact, it’s a red flag if the central partner tries to force a friendship or romantic connection between their lovers where one would not exist naturally.

...Writing professor Patricia Fancher, says she got along so well with her husband’s girlfriend – her metamour – that the girlfriend became more like her husband’s metamour instead. “We just liked each other so much that the relationship shifted,” she says.

Cavan Images

You don’t have to do anything you don’t want to do, but it’s worthwhile examining your motivation in making this decision either way: Is avoiding meeting them a way to pretend they don’t exist? Is getting together for coffee at the beginning of the relationship a way to exert control? Do you subconsciously want to ensure your partner’s connection with them involves you on some level?

...Meeting a metamour can be the best way to bring them down from that pedestal you may have placed them on, while showing support for your partner’s choices. Fancher recalls the insecurity she felt around her first metamour, a younger, blonde woman she believed was everything Fancher was not. Before meeting, it was easy to idealise her metamour as, “this mythical person who is better at sex, better at listening, a better cook, doesn’t awkwardly laugh – all these magical, special things because you make up in your head.”

Once she, her husband, and her metamour started getting drinks together, it became easier to remember that metamours are humans first and foremost. This approach is called “kitchen table polyamory" and it’s the idea that everyone in the same poly network can comfortably socialise around a kitchen table.

...“When you approach them with an open heart, you’re able to better establish trust, set boundaries, and feel confident in your partner’s love for you.”

In doing so, you’ll be able to help their metamour be more comfortable, while also establishing a line of open communication. ...

“Communication is the key to any successful relationship, especially in a relationship with a metamour,” says Dr. Poppel. Staying quiet does no one any favors, least of all yourself. ...

● An excerpt from Rachel Krantz's book Open: One Woman's Journey Through Love and Polyamory, published by Business Insider as My partner and I opened our relationship, and I was surprised by how close I became with his girlfriend (July 11, 2024)

When my partner Adam asked what I thought of his girlfriend Leah coming out to visit for his birthday, I pragmatically decided to view it as the next step on my path.

I'd read in The Smart Girl's Guide to Polyamory that one of the best ways to combat jealousy was to meet your metamour. Since she would be coming to visit for a week in August (a whole week straight!), I decided to reach out. And thus began the most texting-intensive relationship of my life.

...We dished about sex (except sex with Adam) in the kind of detail I'd seen on "Sex and the City." Was it because we shared the same man? Were we backhand bragging? Bonding? All of the above, I'd suspect. ... I soon became very protective of Leah's well-being, a sort of on-call counselor. I found she was sometimes even more anxious, insecure, and neurotic than I was, which was really rather impressive/a little disturbing. Is this Adam's type? No matter. ...

●  A reading: What I Learned From Dinner With My Husband's Girlfriend (SheKnows, Aug. 25, 2023)

Ekaterina Popova/ Getty

By Trish Fancher

She was terrifying. A tall, blonde, vegan who was seven years younger than me — and she never wore a bra. She was my husband’s girlfriend.

...After they were dating for a few weeks, all three of us met for a drink at a run-down bar on the harbor. I wore a flowing yellow dress that showed off at least four inches of cleavage. I put on new lipstick and clenched my jaw. She arrived wearing a colorful flowing dress as well. She was certainly tall, blonde, and beautiful. I felt she was different from me in every way. ...

Over popcorn and wine, I remembered she was just a person, not a threat. Later, she’d become a friend. Now, dinner with my metamours—the polyam term for the partner of my partner—is an enriching part of my life.

----------------------------------- 

...Until we sat down and shared a meal together, Per’s girlfriend was a threat — but in reality that threat was a figment of my imagination. Meeting her dispelled a fantasy. She wasn’t trying to take anything from me. She was a smart woman with her own life, needs, and desires. She could relate to Per about emotional experiences I didn’t understand. They added to each other’s happiness.

Now, these kinds of dinners are the norm and a source of joy. I practice “kitchen table polyamory,” which means that I hope all of my partners can, at the least, enjoy a nice meal together from time to time as friends. We have a group chat titled “In Pod We Trust”, a hold-over from when we were podded together earlier in the pandemic.

...Now, polyamory is an important and enriching part of my life. I still make mistakes: I hurt people and I get hurt. Deeply vulnerable relationships often include both joy and broken hearts. And it was often my metamours who helped me feel safe and cared for through the process. ...

My connections with my metamours are uniquely vulnerable and loving. My polyam community is my chosen family. We keep choosing each other and these complicated connections—with life-long loves, deep seated insecurities, heart breaks, and frequent tough conversations. We don’t choose each other because it’s easy. We choose each other because, through our complicated relationships, we can be deeply vulnerable and cared for.

This week, my entire polyam family was out of quarantine [after covid cases] for the first time in weeks. My ex-boyfriend’s wife texted our In Pod We Trust text thread to plan a picnic. Together with Per, his girlfriend, her husband and boyfriend, my ex and his wife, we feasted on a dinner of chips, hummus, figs, and pastries. We celebrated our recovery with the people with whom we can be the most vulnerable — and the people who know best how to care for me.

● From The Establishment, a women's site on Medium.com, Why You Should Meet Your Partner’s Lovers: 

By Kit O'Connell

Two months ago, my lovers met over tacos.

...I was confident they’d get along. Besides the obvious, they have several things in common: They both love cats, feminism, and, of course, Tex-Mex food. This would give us at least three topics to talk about, even if things got awkward.

Why Meeting Metamours Matters

...In my experience and for many polyamorous folk I know, meeting other lovers can alleviate jealousy and reduce relationship drama. Until you meet, “the other” is a scary unknown; if we let our imaginations run away, we can inflate them into something perfect and unattainable, and most importantly, better than me. But when you do meet, you find out they’re just another human.

“Keeping them at arm’s length, never experiencing their actual humanity as a person, limits the potential of that relationship,” said Kiki Christie, a polyamorous and sex positive relationship educator from Vancouver Island, British Columbia.

“One of my early relationships was with a couple that was married,” Kiki told me. “I got to know my partner’s wife really well. They were living in a different city, so every time I went to visit him I would spend time with her, because it was at their home.”

Because they shared each other’s company so often, she felt safe bringing up problems and dealing with difficult emotions.

“Being in a familiar relationship with my partner’s partner, with her, meant that I felt more open about talking about my feelings to both of them. I didn’t feel like my communication had to be mitigated at all,” Kiki said. “If I had an issue I could speak directly.”

Anna Hirsch

Genuine affection and connection blossomed between Kiki and her partner’s wife. They became such close friends that “we spent some holiday time together without my partner around. We just became very comfortable with each other. In fact he and I broke up, and she and I are still very good friends.”
Like Kiki, I shared a partner with a metamour for years. Our relationship remained platonic, but the intimacy we formed was genuine. We even had pet names for each other. The friendship outlasted our mutual relationship too, and we even got matching tattoos.

As Kiki said of her friendship, “It was its own relationship and it ultimately enhanced the poly relationship.”

Challenges And Fears

...“There’s going to be metamours that you don’t really click with, that you don’t want to be friends with, or that you might not even like all that much,” [Kiki] cautioned. “So how do you manage to still have a sustainable relationship through that? Focusing on people as individuals can help.”

...Even when I’ve felt jealous of one of my metamours, witnessing their small gestures of kindness and affection together during a meeting helps me open my heart to a better understanding of what my partner sees in them. When I’m challenged by difficult emotions, I focus on my partner’s happiness and often find I can share in it a little.

As Kiki explained, mutual respect is key when metamour relationships are challenging:

“If you’re constantly thinking of this person as someone who’s attached to my partner, or someone you’re not relating to one-on-one as an individual, even if you don’t particularly get along with them or see eye-to-eye with them, you’re not giving them or the relationship the respect it deserves. It’s like a relationship with a coworker you don’t get along with — you still have to see them as a person.”

Especially when there’s tension or distrust, we both believe metamour meetings can be crucial. ...

Small bumpersticker from Cafepress

●  And lastly, a warning: Metamour relations cannot be forced. You need to allow them to find their natural level.

Many metas have little or no interest in each other's company, and that's okay. No matter how much you may wish they did. Overbearing pressure for closeness between unwilling metas is a Known Creepy Thing. Open the door, yes. Invite them in, yes. But don't try to drag someone through that door. There is something more important than love, and that is respect.  

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