A TV series explores newbies opening up. Expanding family law. A polyfamily survives and thrives. Good new Poly 101s, and much more.

You knew reality TV would go here eventually. Open House: The Great Sex Experiment premiers on Great Britain's Channel 4 TV tonight (April 1). The theme is newbies trying open relationships. Actually, it's couples trying threesome swinging. With sex on camera. Trailer (3:43),

"Dr Lori, the show's resident psychologist, on set with the some of the availables"

Among the many media items about the series is this in Metro UK: ‘I was worried her vagina was tighter than mine’: The couples giving polyamory [sic] a try for TV (March 30).

Billed as its ‘most shocking show ever’ (a bold claim from the home of Naked Attraction), the six part series invites poly-curious couples to explore and indulge in their fantasies in a luxury stately home, with intimacy therapist Dr Lori Beth on-hand to provide support and advice on opening your relationship in a safe and healthy way.

...‘I’m bisexual so I’ve always considered threesomes,’ call centre worker Mady, 20, explains. ‘We’d done so much sexually, it just felt like a natural succession to bring more people into our relationship.’

The pair, based in South Wales, had been dating for a year and a half when they were approached by the show’s team – and were curious about whether they would have sex on TV.

‘We’d never been filmed at all ever,’ Mady says. ‘...We went in with no expectations and we came out with so much more than we ever anticipated. I got so carried away, I completely forgot the cameras were there.’

The article includes a sidebar of sound advice that "couples should consider before attempting ethical non-monogamy." 

Says The Guardian,

Gird your loins: Here’s a dating show that hopes to break the taboo around polyamory. Each week, curious couples are invited to a swinging party, where they can ask others to join them for the night. Along the way, they talk things through with an intimacy therapist, Dr Lori Beth. First up, Mady and Nathan are looking for “a throuple situation”, but will they go through with it? The nightcam action is pretty awkward, but it does show the reality of what happens in such situations.

Note, you can only watch from locations in the UK or Ireland. 

-----------------------

Update the next day: Reviews of the first episode are coming in.

-- In the UK's iNews: Pure shock value, by Rachael Sigee (April 2)

[A] brightly lit drinks receptions [featured] the naffest [i.e. dopiest] “erotic” games this side of an Ann Summers party. No wonder everyone was giddy: it was the X-rated equivalent of a children’s birthday party. ...

...There is certainly space on mainstream TV to expand our understanding of sex, and the show tried to start some of those conversations, looking at why non-monogamy might appeal and what it might require: communication, trust and emotional resilience. But that nuance was overshadowed by graphic footage of the sexual encounters, which didn’t add much other than shock value.

-- The Guardian: A horribly compelling peek at threesomes, by Rebecca Nicholson

The night-vision footage of noisy, slurpy group sex has zero educational value, and it’s often unbearably awkward, but this look at couples’ journeys into non-monogamy is hard to resist.

You either love watching strangers lick cream off each other’s lips on national television in the name of a social experiment – or in the words of Boy George, you would rather have a nice cup of tea.

Open House explores what it claims is “one of society’s greatest taboos”, non-monogamy, by sending curious couples into a sort of sex retreat in a country house, where they may have their pick of a buffet of sexually liberated single people who all want to have sex with them. The sex retreat is hosted by Jess and Thom, who have been in a long-term open relationship for many years. The idea is that Jess and Thom will guide the newcomers through social gatherings and get the couples used to the idea of kissing other people, and maybe more.

There is a therapeutic element, too, by way of Dr Lori Beth Bisbey, a therapist who specialises in helping couples with their emotions around whether they want to open up their relationship or not. While she seems to have a vested interest in non-monogamy, she does talk a lot of sense about trust, communication and emotional resilience. Threesomes are a popular choice for newcomers, apparently, but harder than you might think to navigate.

...Before they dip their toes into orgiastic waters, they have a session with Dr Lori, which is gripping ... except that at the end of it, you know you’re going to get some noisy, slurpy, night-vision footage of the curious people and the sexually liberated people going at it on some soft furnishings.

...If there is a message to be taken from Open House, it’s that emotional literacy is rare, and vital, and that without good communication, couples can get themselves into all sorts of bother.

It wasn’t the sex or the erotic group games or the intimacy exercises which made this hard to watch, though. It was the sheer, unbearable awkwardness of it all. I cringed and cringed again, when feelings were hurt, when a “spare part” ceased to function in the heat of the moment....

What remains enjoyable about this – and it is horribly compelling, cringe and all – is how people respond to matters of love and lust. But does it need to be presented as some taboo-busting social experiment? Don’t be daft. This is pure entertainment. There’s no point being coy about it.

-- A more upbeat view, in the tabloid Sun: I watched C4’s Open House – The Great Sex Experiment. So could I see myself having a threesome? Never say never, By Ulrika Johnsson

Many will, no doubt, have reached for the remote in disgust last night. Some will say it’s gratuitous and unnecessary. 

I beg to differ. I think it’s worthy of some televisual sexploration. 

...A threesome or a “throuple” (which is on a more permanent footing) stays a psychological adventure because many don’t have the courage or even imagination to turn it into a reality. And it’s for this reason that the programme is a fascinating examination of the process and all its truths. 

...For me, however, such a contemplation is unbearable. I have never, and could never, envisage a time when I would be in a committed relationship then bring a third party into that intimate, dedicated situation. 

...So I was fascinated to observe the journey the couples — all willing participants on the programme — went on. 

For some it was a long-held intrigue, for others the prospect of spicing things up. 

There was nothing gratuitous about the show, it fully honed in on the emotional aspects. And it got personal. 

Fears and jealousy were exposed which helped me see the many dimensions of such a proposition. 

And don’t be possessed by your own unconscious bias that it is only women who express emotions such as these. There are some unexpected surprises.

I always believed that people willing to explore open relationships were a certain breed, of a different ilk — they were detached in some way, maybe lacking in empathy, emotionally stunted perhaps.

What emerges from this sexual examination is that this is not true at all. The couples run the gamut of emotions — jealousy, introspection, doubt, apprehension. This is real life and people’s feelings.

And the biggest question the programme poses is whether monogamy should be consigned to the history books. Is it really natural, credible, feasible and doable for us to stay with just the one person? And when it comes to sex, limit ourselves to just the one partner? 

Some might argue the idea of monogamy is a social construct — it’s not natural. I have my feet in both camps. I enjoy the loyalty in a relationship but a glance over my shoulder at my past, it’s clear that’s not been entirely achievable.

As we are living longer and likely to have more partners, I think it’s important we explore all these possibilities.

Google up more.

Update May 20: The show ended its six episodes on a chaotic note: 'Open House: The Great Sex Experiment' ends in chaos as drunk participant tussled with security then tried to drive home. (The Sun, May 20.) Typical dumb-guy shit; mildly popcorn worthy. 

 -------------------------------------------------------------------

Elsewhere in polyamory in the news,

●  We keep seeing good, basic Poly 101s in increasing numbers. For instance, on Yahoo Life, Love without limitation: What exactly is polyamory? (March 23)

By Cathy Reay

..We are expected to hold one romantic relationship at a time. There’s even a term for it: default (or compulsory) monogamy. ...

That is, of course, unless you’re someone like me. Like many people, I practice a form of non-monogamy called polyamory. I still have loving, often long-term relationships, in which I might achieve the same or similar relationship milestones as I would in a monogamous partnership, but my love isn’t exclusively tied to one person at any one time.

...With the full consent of whomever else we are seeing at the time, we are free to explore the possibilities. Polyamory grants us the opportunity to foster multiple loving, nurturing relationships that are rewarding in different ways.

Chad Spangler, a polyamory content creator and independent artist, feels being polyamorous strengthens his relationships: “I think a lot of people see polyamory from the outside and think the quality of each relationship must be somehow diminished because feelings, intimacy and the like are distributed among multiple people. I've experienced quite the opposite. My previously monogamous relationship is better than ever because of the amount of communication polyamory requires.” ...

...As polyamory educator Leanne Yau explains..."While sex is of course a part of a loving relationship for a lot of people, the point of polyamory is to foster intimacy, connection and commitment with multiple partners.”

...It can also be hard work. Being open and honest with multiple people at a time, maintaining consistent lines of communication and coordinating schedules takes a lot of effort.

“Polyamorous people have to be extremely organized in order to maintain multiple relationships … and you are more likely to find them communicating boundaries and negotiating relationship agreements with their partners than participating in a wild hedonistic orgy on any given day,” Yau says.

In fact, sex isn’t a prerequisite of polyamory at all, and neither is romance. ... Tommie H., who is both asexual and polyamorous, says that it allows them to "have a number of different relationships that provide different things, and it's much easier to ask for what you need and [have] that be respected, rather than doing what society tells us we have to do."

They add, "This is so freeing and, in my experience, has made my relationships more intimate and healthy."...

Polyamory isn’t really for the non-committal. It takes excellent organizational skills, self-awareness and a level of vulnerability that can feel emotionally tough to work through at times. ...

●  Another example, short and direct: What Is Ethical Non-Monogamy? (March 18, PureWow)

By Angelica Pasquini

 

...In her book Polysecure: Attachment, Trauma and Consensual Non-monogamy, psychotherapist and trauma and relationship expert Jessica Fern shines light on how a deep dedication to communication is required in practicing ethical non-monogamy with a partner: “It is paramount for them to dialogue with their partner about whether or not that partner wants to be in the role of an attachment figure for them, as well as honestly assessing if the partner has enough time, capacity and/or space in their life and other relationships to show up to the degree required for being polysecure together.” ...

●  Four days later on the same site, the same writer went a couple steps deeper: Is Non-Hierarchical Polyamory the New Relationship Goalpost? (March 22)

Viktoriia Miroshnikova / Getty

 

By Angelica Pasquini

I first heard about non-hierarchical polyamory when one of my crushes DMed me about it. ... Non-hierarchical polyamory, a hashtag with 1.8 million views on TikTok, ... means that there is no ranking system of primary and secondary partners within romantic and/or sexual relationships. When it comes to decision making, no particular relationship is designated as having the right to set requirements or limits on the other relationships in the network. Partners and metamours (your lover’s lovers) make decisions that are intended to be collaborative and consultative rather than rule-based. ... despite traditional relationship markers such as living together, shared expenses, years spent together or co-parenting a child. 

My gut reaction to learning about non-hierarchical polyamory was surprise. ...

Much of the natural world is inclined toward establishing hierarchies. Primates, birds and wolves, for example, organize themselves into hierarchies when competing for food, space and mating partners by asserting dominance for survival. Remember the cafeteria scene in Mean Girls? That felt so real because it was.

...I think, for some members of our human species, exploring a non-hierarchical polyamory lifestyle will open doors to self-perception and acceptance that will make positive changes in our society for decades to come.

●  After two years of pandemic isolation, a polyfamily comes out the other side tested and strong: Nonmonogamous in Theory, Monogamous in Reality, in New York Magazine's TheCut.com  (March 14). The writer is a relationship advice columnist for The Valley Advocate, a half-century-old alternative weekly paper in western Massachusetts. (The illustration of her is from there.)

By Yana Tallon-Hicks

In early 2018, my partner Lex told me they were pregnant. Sitting on the stairs, they lifted up their shirt to show an early pregnancy bloat: “I mean, look at this?! How didn’t I know?” Incredibly relieved that the news they insisted on telling me in person was actually celebratory, I turned to look at Manuel, their husband and also my other partner. “I’m so happy for you two!” I said.

At this point, I had been dating Manuel and Lex, a longtime married and nonmonogamous couple with three children, for a few months. I was also newly in a relationship with my would-be boyfriend; at that point, we’d been seeing each other for a few months. Lex knew how much I wanted a baby, and they wanted to be there for me in case the news was hard to hear. Fast-forward a few months, and all four of us were shocked to learn I was pregnant, too. Despite dating for just a short time, my boyfriend and I decided we wanted to have the baby.

As partners building our families in tandem and in overlap, all 7¾ of us — Manuel, Lex, their three kids, their one-on-the-way, me, my boyfriend, and my one-on-the-way — enjoyed big dinners, community brunches, and hand-me-downs from Lex and Manuel’s older children. When Lex and Manuel’s son was born, I held his tiny, warm body against my pregnant belly, excited to meet my own little dude that coming summer.

When my son was born in June 2019, I was spoiled by all the love and support from my boyfriend, who committed to babywearing nearly 24/7, changing diapers and handling nonstop wake-ups; Manuel helped me put together furniture and planned baby-friendly outings; Lex helped me figure out breastfeeding and validated my struggles with new parenthood....

Then COVID-19 happened....

My vision of parenthood was never meant to be nuclear — it was always intended to include the Venn diagram–like overlap between my co-parenting partner and my other partners. When COVID entered the picture, what had once been an enriching community forged by two households became fractured. While it hurt to physically break off from Lex and Manuel’s family, my boyfriend and I felt that the most ethical, safest thing to do was to isolate. ...

...My caseload exploded as partners everywhere buckled under the pressure of “the new normal.”

Zooming from my now-toddler’s room, I saw monogamous couples who were rapidly trying to adjust to being each other’s singular social support, child-care provider, sexual partner, domestic chore-doer (or don’t-er), and work-from-home co-worker. Nonmonogamous clients, who I had always worked with around themes of expansive definitions of love, commitment, and partnership, were suddenly forced to close ranks and practice “nonmonogamy in theory” that was starting to look an awful lot like monogamy in reality. I could relate. ...

-------------------------------

I recently started seeing someone new, and when I turned 36 in January, they organized the testing logistics so we could celebrate with Lex and Manuel, who got a sitter and came with balloons, gifts, and an offer to watch my son while I got a massage. That night, over takeout from my favorite local restaurant, my partners were sitting around my kitchen table, laughing at something funny my toddler said, and my heart and home felt warmer than it had nearly all pandemic. I watched the people who love me enjoying each other’s company, in person, for the first time in what felt like forever.

...Today, I’m rebuilding my family with these beliefs in mind: No matter the circumstances, who we are to each other — and who we allow each other to be — is worth fighting for.

●  Going the next step on that is Diana Adams, a pioneering alt-relationship lawyer and director of the Chosen Family Law Center. She has collected over 790,000 views for her Ted Talk Why US laws must expand beyond the nuclear family.

Watch to see why she's such an asset to all of us. And to see how to deliver a spot-on perfect Ted Talk, with clarity of message, arresting delivery, passion, timing, personal touches at key moments.

From its description:

The nuclear family model may no longer be the norm in the US, but it's still the basis for social and economic benefits like health care, tax breaks and citizenship. Lawyer and LBGTQIA advocate Diana Adams believes that all families, regardless of biological relationship or legal marriage, are deserving of equal legal rights and recognition. They present a vision for how US laws can benefit all families -- from same-sex bonds to multi-parent partnerships -- and explain how a more inclusive definition of family could strengthen your relationships and community.

Includes link to the transcript. 

●  Elsewhere: InStyle, one of America's largest traditional women's magazines (paid circulation 1.7 million), has discovered our click-generating power. Its latest: 12 Things This Polyamorous Sex Therapist Wishes People Understood About Non-Monogamy (March 18).

The therapist is Rachel Wright, who presents excellent explanations of the kind you hope your relatives are reading. The section headers speak in negative what-it's-nots rather than positive what-it-ises, always a poor approach to explanation. But the content under each header makes up for it.

Myth #1: It's unethical.

Myth #2: It's cheating.

Myth #3: There's no cheating in non-monogamous relationships.

Myth #4: You have to be part of the LGBTQ+ community to be non-monogamous.

Myth #6: It's constant orgies, all the time.

Myth #7: You have to have a high sex drive to be non-monogamous.

Myth #8: Both people in an existing relationship have to want to practice non-monogamy for it to work.

Myth #9: You have to be "not the jealous type" to be in a non-monogamous relationship.

Myth #10: Non-monogamous folks sleep with anyone and everyone who is interested.

Myth #11: Non-monogamous families can't have kids.

Myth #12: Non-monogamous folks wish you were non-monogamous, too.

...Non-monogamy, if done ethically, is a beautiful representation of security in relationships. There is freedom while also having the foundation of communication and honesty.

In the article are promos for two previous InStyle articles I haven't mentioned:

RELATED: 7 Signs a Monogamous Relationship Isn't for You

RELATED: What Is a Polyamorous Relationship, Really? 

●  Lastly, this one is not poly-specific, but I think it's important for us to see and consider: Consent is not enough. We need a new sexual ethic. (Washington Post, March 17)

By Christine Emba

...Rachel (a pseudonym) reeled off a list of unhappy encounters with would-be romantic partners: sex consented to out of a misguided sense of politeness, extreme acts requested and occasionally allowed, degrading insults as things unfolded — and regrets later. “It’s not like I was being forced into anything or that I feel unsafe, but it’s not … good. And I don’t like how I feel afterwards.”

Young Americans are engaging in sexual encounters they don’t really want for reasons they don’t fully agree with. It’s a depressing state of affairs — turbocharged by pornography, which has mainstreamed ever more extreme sexual acts, and the proliferation of dating apps, which can make it seem as though new options are around every corner.

The results are widely felt. Many of my contemporaries are discouraged by the romantic landscape, its lack of trust, emotion and commitment, but... they assume that this is how things go, and that it would be unreasonable to ask for more — and rude not to go along with whatever has been requested.

...In this landscape, there is only one rule: Get consent from your partner beforehand. But the outcome is a world in which young people are both liberated and miserable. While college scandals and the #MeToo moment may have cemented a baseline rule for how to get into bed with someone without crossing legal lines, that hasn’t made the experience of dating and finding a partner simple or satisfying. ...

As Rachel told me: “Every single person I know — every woman I know — has had some questionable encounter, whether it was, like, really violent or really forceful or just kind of like, ‘Oh, I hated that. That was not fun.’”

These are typically encounters that adults have entered into willingly, in part because consent alone is the standard for good and ethical sex.

...We need a new ethic — because consent is not enough.

Even when it goes well, sex is complicated. It involves our bodies, minds and emotions, our connections to each other and our deepest selves. 

...More recently, sex educators have moved toward the “enthusiastic” formulation of consent. Again, the goal is to remove ambiguity, but it [just] sets the bar higher. ... The same complaints and confusions abound. What if one party hopes for a future together and the other does not? What counts as a relationship, and what is “casual,” if the definition isn’t mutually shared? ...

The problem with all this is that consent is a legal criterion, not an ethical one. It doesn’t tell us how we should treat each other as an interaction continues. It doesn’t provide a good road map should something go off the rails. ... And setting consent as the highest bar for any encounter effectively takes a pass on the harder questions: whether that consent was fairly obtained; whether it can ever fully convey what our partners really, ultimately, want; whether we should be doing what we’ve gotten consent to do.

More clarifications of consent — or ever-more-technical breakdowns of its different forms — won’t rebalance power differentials, explain intimacy or teach us how to care. Making the standard of consent our sole criterion for good sex punts on the question of how to conduct a relationship that affirms our fundamental personhood and human dignity. ...

This is the problem with consent: It leaves so much out. Nonconsensual sex is always wrong, full stop. But that doesn’t mean consensual sex is always right. ... And the gap between what young people want the sexual landscape to look like and what the consent paradigm offers is turning many off of sex entirely, as evidenced by falling rates of sexual activity, partnership and marriage — some have dubbed this the “sex recession” — that recently hit a 30-year low.

I asked many... what a better sexual world might look like. “Listening,” I heard. “Care,” they said. “Mutual responsibility,” some suggested. Or, as one woman plaintively put it: “Can we not just love each other for a single day?”

That question points to what looks to me like a good answer. The word “love” tends to conjure ideas of flowers, chocolate, declarations of undying devotion. But the term has a longer, more helpful history.... Aristotle talked about love as an intention to bear goodwill toward another for the sake of that person and not oneself.

Willing the good means caring enough about another person to consider how your actions (and their consequences) might affect them — and then choosing not to act if the outcome would be negative. It’s mutual concern — thinking about someone other than yourself and then working so their experience is as good as you hope yours to be. It’s taking responsibility for navigating interactions that may seem ambiguous....

...This new ethic would also acknowledge that sex is likely to be something different and more substantial than we want or expect it to be. This makes it our responsibility to make a good-faith bet on what the good actually is....

...It’s a much higher standard than consent. But consent was always the floor — it never should have been the ceiling.

[Adapted from the author's new book, Rethinking Sex: A Provocation] 

In fact, a whole lot of people are, like me, at least sort of demisexual: needing closeness and heart connection before sex is good or even very desirable. Some demis feel a bit ashamed about it. Don't be. The answer to many of the dilemmas that Emba describes above is the old poly mantra communicate, communicate, communicate, and good communication is enabled by closeness. It does have to be done fearlessly,  however. And remember, half of communicating is listening.

BTW, an advantage of online dating is you can choose to be really fearlessly specific in your profile and then set filters. For example, you might put "I don't do sex on the first several dates, and never unless we develop a caring personal connection." The filtering trick is to make your profile long and hide a sentence like this near the end: "To show that you've read this far and agree, put the word wombat in your reply." Set an e-mail filter to auto-delete messages coming from [dating site] if no [wombat] in the text. Never get a drive-by again!

And for people who pass the test, I also like the idea of pointing them to a "me manual."  Joreth's example.  Cunning Minx's. 

-----------------------------------------------------------

And, stepping back for some perspective:

We polyamorous people are a small, weird minority of social-rule breakers. Our existence is a threat to some people's worldviews. Our freedom to build non-traditional relationships, and to speak up for ourselves about the truth of ourselves, is one way we depend on a free and pluralistic society that respects people's agency to create their own lives, as well as their ability to access facts and speak what they know.

Such a society is only possible where people have the power to govern themselves, combined with legal structures that are at least supposed to protect the rights of all. 

People who create their own lives, and who insist on the democratic structures and legal protections that enable them to do so in safety, infuriate and terrify the authoritarians who are growing in power around the world and in our own United States. Such rulers and would-be rulers seek to stamp out other people's freedom to go their own way — whether by intimidation, repressive laws, propaganda and incitement, or, eventually, artillery.

For what it's worth, this site has received far more pagereads from Ukraine over the years (56,400) than from any other country in Eastern Europe.

For now, you can donate to Ukrainian relief through this list of organizations vetted by the Washington Post, or many others. (Avoid scams.)

More is going to be required of us in coming months and maybe years. Expect this. 

_________________________

 Don't miss Polyamory in the News!

 SUBSCRIBE by a feed, or
 SUBSCRIBE by email
_________________________

[Permalink]

CBS explores anti-poly stigma in one-hour documentary "Speaking Frankly: Non-monogamy"

 
[See post-show update at bottom (scroll down).]

This evening (Sunday October 27), a 1-hour doc about people practicing consensual non-monogamy will air on CBSN, the 24/7 digital streaming service of CBS News. Speaking Frankly: Non-monogamy will play at 8 pm, 11 pm, and 2 am ET. CBS chose this topic to lead off its new 6-part "Speaking Frankly" series.

They've already put up the 23-minute main body of the documentary and the three segments of studio discussions that follow it. You can watch the complete hour of the show's material here:



The webpage is titled Not just "one big orgy": Fighting the stigma of consensual non-monogamy (online October 24, 2019). The preview features mostly open couples and triads, as well as some of our best talking heads (including Diana Adams and Elisabeth Sheff), discussing problems poly people have in finding safety and acceptance in the wider world.

It's interesting to see here that Helen Fisher, famous researcher and author on the nature of romantic love, has finally recognized that polyamory is a real thing. She used to dismiss it as impossible due to her theories about human exclusivity. It's nice to see a social scientist change their theories to fit reality rather than blow off a reality that doesn't fit their theories.

My overall impression? The show looks to be good for us. It explains the concept well to the many people who are still, even now, discovering us for the first time. But because it centers the stigma problem, many of the polyfolks spotlighted come off as kinda defensive or even scared.

Excerpts from the transcript:

By Jessica Kegu and Jason Sinverstein

"One big orgy." [Could a clickbait lead sentence be more obvious?] That's the stereotype about the lifestyle of consensual non-monogamy — an arrangement where committed partners openly agree to have sexual relationships with other people.

But people who have practiced non-monogamy for years say it's not all wild sex — or even all that wild. It takes a lot of work, and it carries a lot of stigma. There can be serious consequences for the family life and even careers of those involved.

"Many people are trying to create families in different kinds of ways. And a lot of people see that as dangerous," Diana Adams, a Brooklyn-based lawyer who represents polyamorous families, says in the CBSN Originals documentary, "Non-monogamy."

She advises clients in non-monogamous relationships to be careful about telling their employers. She's seen some lose their jobs over it.

...Mahdy, a man who lives in Brooklyn, New York, had to end his marriage to keep his relationship together. He is part of what's called a triad or thruple — a polyamorous relationship between three people who are all actively involved with each other. But because it's illegal to be married to more than one person, only two people in his triad can be married.

Mahdy, who did not want his last name to be used, met his first partner about 14 years ago and married her in 2011. One year later, the couple met another woman, and the three formed a triad. But it could have fallen apart after the second woman ran into problems with her immigration status, he says.

Mahdy had to divorce his wife to keep their triad together.  CBS News

 
For her to remain in America, Mahdy and his wife divorced, and the wife married the second partner. It kept them all together — but he is still reeling from the ordeal.

"Dissolving the marriage … that was really, really difficult for me," he says. "I don't have the legal protections I had when me and my first partner were married. In fact, I don't think I've had health insurance since."

---------------------------

For many people in non-monogamous relationships, there's nothing strange about their arrangement. It's just romance — plus one or two other people, or more.

"People think that there's this magical thing happening all the time," says Brooke Houston of Kansas City, Kansas, who has been in a triad for more than a year. "And half the time we're just chilling. Whoever has the energy for a big orgy 24/7, let me know. Tell me your secret," she joked.

CJ George, Brooke Houston, and Brandi George.  CBS News

 
In 2018, Houston formed a triad with CJ and Brandi George, a couple who have been in an open marriage for four years. She has a sexual relationship with both CJ and Brandi — sometimes individually, and sometimes all together.

...Brandi said that years ago, someone wrote an anonymous letter to the school district where she works as a teacher, outing her for being in an open relationship. ... "I was terrified that I would be let go from my job or that I would have people that wouldn't accept me," she said. "My students, like, they give me oxygen, they give me life. And so to have that taken from me would have just like devastated me. So I was just very aware that that could happen and that I would have nothing. And how could I provide for my kids if I don't have a job?"

Some non-monogamous people can't be open about their situation at all. ...

...Last year, the American Psychological Association created a task force on consensual non-monogamy to promote awareness and understanding of non-traditional relationship structures.

"Finding love and/or sexual intimacy is a central part of most people's life experience," the APA website says. "However, the ability to engage in desired intimacy without social and medical stigmatization is not a liberty for all."

People who engage in or support non-monogamous relationships argue that it's simply an option that should be available for those who choose — just as monogamy should be an option. And for now, they're just asking for acceptance.

"It's never gonna be equal for us," Mahdy said. "I only ask that people don't interfere with what we have."...

● Here's a 5-minute promo about the show with host Tanya Rivero, titled The challenges of polyamory and non-monogamous relationships. The blurb with it: "The new CBSN Originals documentary 'Speaking Frankly: Non-monogamy' explores a way of life that's more common than you might think. But maintaining a non-traditional relationship carries stigma and presents some special challenges. Executive producer Adam Yamaguchi joined CBSN with more on the story."




● Another video: Rivero interviews Diana Adams, founder of Diana Adams Law & Mediation and the Chosen Family Law Center. Adams gets a solid 10 minutes to stay her stuff, and damn, is she good at this! This is the best interview I've ever seen her do. (BTW, her haircut make it clear that these news videos were filmed at a different time than the main documentary.)



The video's webpage: Legal hurdles in non-monogamous relationships (online Oct 24). "Attorney Diana Adams discusses the legal hurdles that can sometimes impact those in consensually non-monogamous relationships, including issues related to child custody, immigration and health insurance." Unfortunately, I find no transcript of it.


● Rivero also sat down with Elisabeth Sheff for this segment, called "Children of Polyamorous Relationships."

"Dr. Eli Sheff, an expert on children in polyamorous families, discusses what these children report about growing up as part of a non-traditional family unit."




● Another news video by Rivero: "Dr. Amy C. Moors, the co-chair of the American Psychological Association's non-monogamy task force, discusses the state of research around non-traditional relationships and polyamorous families."




Watch for updates here after the show itself airs.


-------------------------

UPDATE AFTERWARD: Well, the full 1-hour version tonight consisted only of the videos above: The 23-minute in-the-field documentary I called the "preview," followed by the in-studio discussion videos, one after the other with ads between.

Impressions? I have to say I come away with a less-good, possibly even dark view of the show after watching the whole thing in one go.

I realized one difference: This time I was paying more attention to the background music. Much of it was chosen to be sad or ominous, to go with the problems people were saying they faced (fears of job discrimination, coming out to family, child custody, etc.) Was the background music supposed to evoke sympathy... or did it lend an air of problems and sadness about trouble to the whole subject of multi-relationships?

At least, I see that that's how skeptics may take it. I'll be interested in your reactions.

One thing, though: When I first posted about the show, I said it looks like a link you might send your parents. I've taken that out.

[Permalink]

The Washington Post follows up: "A therapist, a lawyer and a sex educator answer our questions about polyamory"

That nice Washington Post story yesterday? Maybe it did well (thanks, all of you who helped spread it on Facebook etc.!) — because this afternoon the writer followed it up with another. She used the same lede photo.

She chose the therapist, lawyer, and sex educator in the title well. They're Tamara Pincus, Diana Adams, and Franklin Veaux.

Clockwise, from top left: Rachel Ruvinsky, 22; Sam Brehm, 21; Bennett Marschner, 26; and Hannah Schott, 22. The group of friends carry on multiple relationships simultaneously. (Photo by Nikki Kahn/The Washington Post)

By Lisa Bonos

Polyamory: No, it’s not cheating. Or similar to polygamy. Or even having a few “side pieces.”

...I spent some time in December with four 20-somethings in the Washington area to learn what it’s like to be young and polyamorous. (You can read about them here.)

In the course of my reporting, I spoke to several experts on polyamory. Here are some of their views on who’s drawn to consensual non-monogamy and what types of challenges arise when it comes to raising a family or creating a life with multiple partners.

1. What types of people are drawn to polyamory?

Franklin Veaux, a sex educator and co-author of “More Than Two: A Practical Guide to Ethical Polyamory,” has five partners — and all of his partners have other partners. He notes that he knows people in their 20s up through their 80s who are in polyamorous relationships.

“In my experience,” Veaux said in a phone interview, “there’s a huge range of people drawn to polyamory. The only thing they have in common is that they don’t want monogamy.”

And they often have non-traditional ideas about relationships, he added. “There’s a lot overlap with polyamory and BDSM, polyamory and swinging.”

That doesn’t mean, however, that polyamorists are always casual about relationships; they take them very seriously. “It’s not for people who are afraid of relationships,” Veaux said, noting that that’s a common misconception about polyamory. “That would be like saying mountain-climbing is for people who are afraid of heights. If you’re scared of relationships, you’re certainly not going to do multiple relationships.”

2. Why is polyamory becoming more popular with young people?

Increasingly, sexuality is being understood as more of a spectrum than a gay-straight binary. In a 2015 YouGov survey, for example, more than half of millennials agreed that sexuality is a continuous scale. I asked Veaux whether this understanding of sexual fluidity could also mean that young people are more apt to view relationships as fluid and therefore be less focused on monogamy. “Absolutely,” he replied. “Millennials are growing up in a world where polyamory is a choice among many [types of relationships].”

“The fact that the gay and lesbian community has been so mainstream,” Veaux said, means that “people are more aware of the variety that’s out there, that there’s more than one way to have a relationship.”

When Veaux started getting into non-monogamy in the 1980s, “we didn’t have a language, we didn’t have a community, we didn’t have a way to find each other.”...

3. What about jealousy?

“If you’re an extremely jealous person, polyamory might not be for you,” says Tamara Pincus, a therapist in the Washington area who works with a lot of polyamorous clients and is poly herself.

It’s helpful for people to figure out what their jealousy is about, she advises, whether it’s stemming from a fear of being replaced or feelings of inadequacy; both responses can arise when multiple relationships are involved.

Pincus sometimes suggests coming up with “an after-care plan,” of what to do when someone comes back from a date, for how they might comfort a partner who’s jealous.

“People expect to be jealous,” Pincus adds. “I think people are more surprised when they’re not as jealous as they expect.”

Of course there are those who want to be polyamorous but the jealousy undermines the whole thing, Pincus says. “They’re not prepared for the amount of emotional work that’s it’s going to be.”...

4. How do you deal with co-parenting when more than two parents are involved?

Franklin Veaux doesn’t have children, but one of his partners has a daughter, who was 7 when they started dating and is 17 now. He doesn’t take a parenting role with the child. “I never wanted kids,” he says. All of his other partners are child-free.

When it comes to custody of kids, U.S. legal policy is structured around the two-person nuclear family and isn’t well-suited to protecting polyamorous families with three or four adults in children’s lives.

Still, Diana Adams, managing partner of Diana Adams Law & Mediation in New York, works with polyamorous individuals to come up with creative prenuptial, co-parenting and co-habitation agreements to give them “as much financial and legal stability as possible in a legal system that does not recognize their family form,” she says.

“I’ve seen many poly families create stable co-parenting relationships,” Adams notes. “It’s critical they don’t rush into that situation without professionals.”

The problems, she says, arise in such situations as when a couple with a child might have a girlfriend move in and it’s unclear: Is she a third parent or just a cohabiting friend? “Those kinds of muddled relationships are where the real problems lie,” Adams says, “both in co-parenting situations as well in sperm-donor agreements.”

Since polyamorous families don’t necessarily have legal rights, “you may be up against the proclivities of a specific judge” in a co-parenting or custody dispute, Adams notes. She tries to create contracts that a court would enforce, “but ultimately the judge would be looking at the best interest of the child as well as whatever agreement came before.”

5. Does the legalization of gay marriage open the door to plural marriage?

In Supreme Court Chief Justice John G. Roberts’s dissent in the court’s gay marriage decision, he posited that legalizing same-sex marriage could lead to next allowing polygamy. But none of the polyamorists I spoke to are rushing to advocate for it.

Plural marriage would be “helpful, but I don’t think it’ll happen anytime soon,” Veaux says. “It’s not something most poly people are pushing for.”

Veaux currently wears two rings, signifying his deep commitment to multiple partners, but he’s legally single. With the law allowing only two partners in a marriage, he doesn’t want to marry one person and put any one partner over another, he says.

“Now that we’ve achieved same-sex marriage there’s an awkward shift,” Adams says, an acknowledgement that heterosexual marriage between two partners “is not the only valid family form.”

“At this point,” Adams says, multi-partner marriage “seems like a far-off potential because there’s already so much backlash continuing from same-sex marriage.”

Here's the complete story (February 12, 2016).

----------------------------

I praised the people featured in yesterday's Post article for representing us so well. One of them was Bennett Marschner. Today he posted a comment. In case you missed it,

Hi! I'm the Bennett in the article. Thank you for saying such nice things, I was unnervingly aware that we were representing not just ourselves in those interviews. We definitely weren't poly wise at the start, but Rachel and I are coming up on three years now!

Ms. Bonos had a very tight deadline to meet and I'm sure editing for space in the magazine cut it down a bit. Before researching for the article, I believe she said she didn't really know anything about poly. Considering that, I think she did a great job on the article and a fantastic job approaching the subject respectfully and with an open mind!

The bit about youthful optimism that may crash and burn later was one part of the article we found puzzling, as when asked about the future, we all replied that poly was definitely going to be a part of our lives and identities going forward. I personally know more than a few older, more settled poly people – couples, triads, and at least one ... uh, quartet?

There were a few turns of phrase I wasn't thrilled about and there's a lot more to ALL of it than could be included in the article. It's been already been a long, amazing, and often difficult adventure and it's only just getting started and I'm actually still nervous about it even existing as a thing on the internet with my name attached to it....

[Permalink]

Dan Savage has Diana Adams exhort for coming out poly

Many alternative newspapers and websites

In his latest Savage Love column, sex and relationship writer Dan Savage takes a reader's question on whether to come out poly, then turns it over to Brooklyn queer-and-poly attorney Diana Adams, who's bursting to expound on the topic:

Q: I’m a fairly boring person by your column’s standards in that I’ve always identified as a straight male into typical relationships. I’ve realized, after multiple long-term relationships that were unsatisfying, that monogamy isn’t for me.... I’ve struggled to remain faithful in the past and don’t want to cheat on anyone. I just want the rules to fit me so that I don’t have to be considered a cheater. Do you think this detail is something I should disclose to my family and friends?... While polyamory seems to be more common today than in the past, I don’t see anyone who is publicly “out” as is the case with most of the queer community. I’m also not too deeply involved with that community, so maybe I just don’t see the activism happening.

— Pondering Over Life’s Yearnings


A: If you’re not seeing anyone who is poly and publicly out, POLY, then you’re not watching Showtime, which broadcast two seasons of Polyamory: Married & Dating, and you’re not paying attention to poly activists who are out — like Diana Adams, an attorney (dianaadamslaw.net) who specializes in nontraditional family relationships.

“I applaud POLY for considering boldly coming out as polyamorous to his family and friends,” said Adams. “We need more people to come out in order to destigmatize polyamory. I came out as poly in the national media six years ago, and I built my career as an attorney advocate for queer and polyamorous families.”

Adams recognizes that not all poly folks can be out—some work for conservative employers, some could lose custody of their kids—but she believes that poly people who can be out, should be out. “For those of us who have the privilege to be out, I encourage us to speak our truth, which will support a cultural understanding of healthy relationships beyond monogamy — and, of course, help us find like-minded partners. In POLY’s case, I urge him to learn more about poly first. Poly has become a major subject of media attention, with profiles of out poly people published practically weekly. Link up with groups like Loving More (lovemore.com) and Open Love NY (openloveny.com), and follow people like me on Twitter (@dianaadamsesq), and he’ll get tuned in to the nationwide activism that’s happening. He’ll also get tapped into resources for creating successful poly relationships.”

And a word about those successful poly relationships: Just like successful monogamous relationships, poly relationships have limits — both sexual and emotional. But instead of coming to an agreement with one partner about those limits, you have to hammer out agreements with two or more partners. So when you say you want to be poly so that the “rules fit you,” POLY, you better be using the plural “you” and not the singular.

“Poly may not be easier to maintain than his monogamous relationships,” said Adams. “Poly works for emotional ninjas who possess tremendous emotional awareness and communication skills to create their own agreements with their partner(s). If POLY is ready for that level of effort, poly may work for him so well that he’ll want to tell the world.”

Here's an original of the column, with additional readers' questions (week of June 17, 2014).

Update: Dan Savage follows up in his weekly podcast: Dan Savage Podcast Episode 400: How do poly people balance all those relationships? (June 24, 2014).

[Permalink]

Diana Adams at *The Atlantic*: "How one lawyer helps those, like her, in non-traditional relationships"

I'm real happy to see this one. The Atlantic's website is a big deal in the world of serious news and magazine readers. Today it published this interview with one of our top-tier spokespeople and leaders:

Up for Polyamory? Creating Alternatives to Marriage

How one lawyer helps those, like her, in non-traditional relationships

"Le déjeuner sur l'herbe" by Édouard Manet

By Roc Morin

“When I was a child,” Diana Adams began, “I had a doll house and a rich fantasy life. I imagined that I was a cancer-curing surgeon, a world-class ballerina, and a TV show host all at the same time. I was also an amazing mom to all my dolls, but it was always a little mysterious about where they had come from and whether they all had the same father. A little neighbor boy once said to me, ‘I’ll be the daddy.’ I thought about that for a moment. I said, ‘No, you can be my gay lounge singer friend. That’s much more fun.’ I’ve always liked boys. I just like them better in groups.”

Over the years, the aspiring ballerina/surgeon/TV host shifted her focus to law. As a lawyer, Adams now runs a Brooklyn-based legal firm oriented toward providing traditional marriage rights to non-traditional families like the one she imagined as a kid. As an openly polyamorous woman, Diana lives inside a version of that doll house today. Along with her primary partner Ed, she is currently romantically involved with several other men and women.

I sat down recently with the 35-year-old to discuss her life and career.

...How do your different lovers get along with one another?

They’re really good friends. The men even have a name for themselves. They call themselves “The Man Harem.” Sometimes they’ll play with that. They’ll all show up in matching clothes – wearing all pinstripes, or all red shirts, for example. They’re friends and they help each other. For instance, I just had my birthday and my partner Ed is off doing amazing work with NASA. As a consolation, my long-term boyfriend is staying in the house for the week. So, rather than my boyfriend saying, “Wow why's your partner going out of town when it's your birthday?” he’s asking if my partner is okay having to be away for so long, if he needs support. And [Ed] is saying, “Thanks for taking care of Diana since I can’t be there.” There’s a real feeling of compersion. Compersion is the opposite of jealousy.

...How does your family view your lifestyle?

Well, I come from a very religious household. I mean my dad [was] a fundamentalist deacon, so it was hard at first. But, basically my parents have been incredibly supportive. I think that's because they get to see me having wonderful love in my life and getting a lot of support.

Can you give an example?

Well, a while ago my dad had a massive heart attack and two of the men in my life came together to be with my family at the hospital. They’re both scientists, so they understood what was going on with his body and were able to explain [to him] everything that was happening. Both of them had busy jobs, so they actually coordinated with each other so that one of them was there at all times.

My family was just completely awestruck....

How are you using the law to empower non-traditional relationships like yours?

Our laws are about 20 years behind what families actually look like. I'm working to create alternatives to marriage, because I think that if we could choose marriage affirmatively instead of it being a default, it would make relationships stronger. Marriage is an incredibly intense contract.... I mean, you’re signing the most important document you’ll sign in your life and people read it less carefully than a cell phone contract. People have no idea what they’re actually committing to and are horrified a lot of times when they find out.

What kinds of alternatives to marriage are available?

...Domestic partnership, for example, has tremendous possibility to create a more expansive version of what a relationship can look like.... Lesbian couples and sperm donors in a three-parent model base their relationship around a child. That's a model many policymakers can wrap their heads around better than a polyamorous triad.... There are a lot of basic things like ensuring tax benefits, or making sure that your partner is not financially vulnerable, or if you want to be sure that you can visit your partner at the hospital, we can do a healthcare proxy....

I’m helping one polyamorous triad right now set up an LLC so they can share their finances. We’re making them employees of their own three-person corporation so that they can be covered under an employee health plan.... There are a lot of things we can do with co-parenting.... We can do a three-parent adoption....

Go read the whole interview (Feb. 19, 2014).

[Permalink]