From Rolling Stone, " 'The Ethical Slut': Inside America's Growing Acceptance of Polyamory"

Another big one just came out. Rolling Stone devotes a 2,400-word feature to the publication this week of The Ethical Slut, 3rd edition. It's the 20th anniversary of a book that popularized some of the key norms and principles of the modern polyamory movement and helped to get the whole thing rolling.

'The Ethical Slut': Inside America's Growing Acceptance of Polyamory

Millennials are increasingly embracing non-monogamous relationships – and the 1990s guidebook that helped popularize them is getting an update.

'The Ethical Slut' brought new language to polyamory.
(Illustration: Brittany Falussy / Rolling Stone)

By Anna Fitzpatrick

In 1994, sexual educator Janet W. Hardy was bedridden for a month with a bad flu that had evolved into bronchitis. She was, as she recalls, "high off my ass on Codeine cough syrup" when she caught a showing of Indecent Proposal on TV. Married couple David (Woody Harrelson) and Diana (Demi Moore) are faced with a moral dilemma when a billionaire named John (Robert Redford) offers them a million dollars in exchange for spending one night with Diana. ... At the scene where the couple hesitates over the billionaire's offer, Hardy wondered if she was having a fever dream.

"I was sitting there going, 'What's going on here?'" she tells Rolling Stone from her home in Oregon. "A million dollars and Robert Redford, and they have a problem with this? It made no sense to me. I really got it at that point, how distant I had become from mainstream sexual ethics."

Hardy reached out to her friend and sometimes collaborator, the psychotherapist Dossie Easton to work on a book about non-monogamy. The pair had already coauthored two books on kink which were read in BDSM circles, but not much elsewhere. Both Easton and Hardy identified as queer and polyamorous, and Easton wanted to reclaim the word slut. They combined their own experiences with both casual sex and open marriages, navigating orgies and battling jealousy. In 1997, under Hardy's own indie sex-ed publishing house Greenery Press, they published The Ethical Slut: A Guide to Infinite Sexual Possibilities.

Dossie and Janet today. (Stephanie Mohan / Rolling Stone)

The the first usage of the word polyamory is credited to pagan priestess Morning Glory Ravenheart Zell in 1990. Though different forms of non-monogamy have presented themselves in various cultures for millennia, in Western culture in the early 1990s it was still seen as an alternative practice, the kind favored by, well, pagan priestesses. Today, polyamory is less tied to one specific subculture or identity. ...

"Twenty years ago, I used to get calls from show producers all the time, and the call would go, 'Can you point me towards a poly family that's not either old hippies or screaming geeks?'" laughs Hardy. "I would say no, because A, that's most of my rolodex, and B, that's who was doing poly back then. But these days, when I speak to poly audiences, they're young professionals, all shiny and new. It's very different."

The new, purple edition

...Hardy, 62, was married for 13 years when, in 1988, she realized that monogamy no longer appealed to her. Her marriage ended that same year. A few years later, in 1992, she met Easton through a BDSM group in San Francisco called the Society of Janus. Easton was teaching a class called "Pain Play with Canes from Psyche to Soma" and Hardy volunteered to help her demonstrate. Two years later, the pair gave a presentation on S&M in Big Sur at a Mensa gathering. ("Of all things," says Hardy.)

"Dossie went home because it was so hetero, she couldn't stand it," says Hardy. Later, she ran into another friend who relayed an overheard conversation from the conference. "She said, 'Did you hear about that S&M workshop this afternoon? There were these two women, they were talking about stuff they had done together, and one of their boyfriends was right in the room!'" Kink was no big deal to the Mensa crowd, but non-monogamy could still shock in 1994.

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...Though Amber [23] has only been identifying as polyamorous for a few years – she was 19 when she asked her boyfriend if they could open their relationship – she speaks with the confidence and authority of someone who has been allowed to experiment with her sexuality her entire adult life. She emphasizes the need for communication in all relationships, particularly when it comes to hurt feelings.

"I'm sure you're waiting to ask me the big jealousy question," she tells me. "Of course polyamorous people deal with jealousy, it's just that we see it as an emotion to be acknowledged and talked about and work through." Jealousy usually comes from insecurity and fear, she says, summarizing a large portion of The Ethical Slut, and can require "self reflection and metacognition" to work through. She is active in the New York poly, kink and queer scenes, and goes to several events a week including BDSM play parties and swingers mixers. I ask her if all her partners are part of the same community, and she laughs. "Yeah, whether they like it or not," she says. "Even when you break up with a partner, you're still in each other's peripherals." There is little separation between her sex life and social life. Amber is unapologetic about this, and why shouldn't she be? The word "slut" no longer has the same connotations it did when Hardy and Easton were 23.

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As polyamory is treated less like a novelty and more of a valid relationship model, modern entertainment is learning to reflect that. In the eight-episode web series Unicornland, Annie (Laura Ramadei) is trying to explore her sexuality after the dissolution of her marriage. She does this by "unicorning" – the term given to women who join couples in bed for threesomes. Every three- to seven-minute episode introduces Annie to a new couple: straight, lesbian, kinky, longterm married couples looking to spice up their sex life. It depicts one very specific subset of polyamory, but in doing so manages to explore much of the richness and complexities of modern relationships that go ignored in most mainstream media.

Gillepsie read The Ethical Slut two years ago, and started writing Unicornland about six months later.  The idea of unicorning appealed to her as a narrative device because the evolution of her own sexuality felt like such an internal, mental process. "In Annie's unicorning, she's really able to try out other people's relationships and see how they function from within," Gillepsie tells me. "I felt that the couples were sort of the best way for Annie to try out all these different facets of polyamory." ...

Hardy ... cites an episode of Crazy Ex-Girfriend in which protagonist Rebecca Bunch finds herself in love with two men and can't decide between them. "She goes and interviews a poly triad to find out how to deal with this, and finds out that what she's actually doing is just being a person with very bad boundaries."

...The 20th anniversary edition of The Ethical Slut, out September 15th, has been significantly updated and expanded from its humble debut, including sections on poly pioneers, black poly activism and yes, shifting attitudes towards polyamory within a new generation. ...

Read the whole article (September 16, 2017).

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New, third edition of The Ethical Slut coming out in two weeks

A classic of the polyamory literature is being reissued in a new, modern edition for 2017.

The Ethical Slut, first published in 1997, introduced poly relationships to audiences far beyond the movement's New Age and Pagan wellsprings — although the word "polyamory" barely appeared in it. Authors Dossie Easton and Janet Hardy (as "Catherine A. Liszt") gathered up much poly and sex-positive wisdom, won by many people's hard experience, and the book helped to establish much of this as standard poly doctrine. But it spoke mostly to people of the "independent agent" variety, who might now call themselves solopoly.

The first edition read like a romp and became a runaway word-of-mouth hit. Enough so that in 2009, Random House took it on and reissued it through Ten Speed Press in a second edition, revised and expanded 35% by the authors, with the new subtitle "A Practical Guide to Polyamory, Open Relationships & Other Adventures." To me, the second edition seemed to have a toned-down style for a wider audience. It also, for the first time, spoke directly to established couples seeking to open up. By that time these had become the most abundant form of poly newbies.

Now comes The Ethical Slut, Third Edition: A Practical Guide to Polyamory, Open Relationships, and Other Freedoms in Sex and Love, with authors Janet Hardy and Dossie Easton now listed in reverse order. It will be available August 15th (I haven't seen it yet). The publisher's description on Amazon says it has been redone to align with today's hot concerns:

For 20 years The Ethical Slut has dispelled myths and showed curious readers how to maintain a successful polyamorous lifestyle through open communication, emotional honesty, and safer sex practices. The third edition of this timeless guide to communication and sex has been revised to include interviews with poly millennials (young people who have grown up without the prejudices their elders encountered regarding gender, orientation, sexuality, and relationships), tributes to poly pioneers, and new sidebars on topics such as asexuality, sex workers, and ways polys can connect and thrive. The authors also include new content addressing nontraditional relationships beyond the polyamorous paradigm of "more than two": couples who don't live together, couples who don't have sex with each other, nonparallel arrangements, couples with widely divergent sex styles, power disparities, and cross-orientation relationships, while utilizing nonbinary gender language and new terms that have come into common usage since the last edition.

Franklin Veaux, co-author of the competing guidebook More Than Two, praises the new edition to the skies in a blurb:

“The Ethical Slut is a classic, a book that helped launch the modern non-monogamy movement. Updating a book of such historical significance is no easy task, but The Ethical Slut, Third Edition succeeds beautifully. Where the original broke radical new ground, this edition is more nuanced, a book for a more complex age. In the third edition, we see the wide variety of forms ethical non-monogamy, and indeed human sexual relationships, can take. This new version brings a new focus on consent, talks about the many wonderful and varied ways ethical non-monogamy happens, and shows an appreciation for the vast range of human sexuality. This is The Ethical Slut for a new era, and cements the book’s place as one of the cornerstones of modern non-monogamous thought.”

—Franklin Veaux, More Than Two: A practical guide to ethical polyamory

Here's a 7-minute audio excerpt from Janet Hardy's "The Ethical Slut Then and Now," a workshop she presented in June at the Festival of Really Good Sex in Melbourne, Australia.



You can pre-order.

Update August 15: The Multiamory podcast, by Dedeker Winston, Jase Lindgren, and Emily Matlack, interviews Hardy (Episode 132, August 15, 2017).

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With three more poly stories, Vice seeks to draw readers

Vice, a Tyrannosaurus among new-media magazines, is running heavily with the poly trend, which must mean these articles get a lot of clicks. Here are Vice's three new pieces since we last looked.

● This first is a rambly bunch of real-life interview condensations, not a bad read if you can get past the ugly, off-message illos.

We Talked to Polyamorous People About How They Make Their Relationships Work

Illustration by Joe Frontel

By Allison Tierney

While monogamy works for some, others spend their lives serially cheating on their partners while trying and failing to adhere to it. As an alternative, there are people who have found that some form of polyamory — of which there are many varieties — is the right choice for them. Dubbed by some media as a new sexual revolution, being more open to poly arrangements is steadily growing.

VICE spoke to people who are in poly relationships to find out the nuances of their arrangements and how they make non-monogamy work for them and their partners.

Maria*, 24

...What makes polyamorous relationships so difficult is that the rules aren't written across our society. A heterosexual, normative relationship is much easier to be in because the rules are there — that's considered cheating, that's not. You have media, you have everything in society telling you. As soon as you venture out of that one kind of relationship, you have to discuss it a painful number of times....

With my most recent relationships, the biggest issue we had was that I am impulsive.... I was on the stage on this pole, and then I just like threw my cunt in this guy's face who was right under me. I was in a skirt, and I just sat on his face in the middle of the club, then I jumped down and started kissing him. It was 1:20 AM, the club closes at 2 and, like fuck it, I am not going to go have that conversation [with Partner] right now to see if he is OK with it — I can have it in 40 minutes. As soon as the club closed, I found [Partner], and we talked.

How I want my life to be like when I'm older is to either be part of two couples who are exclusive to each other or in a three-way relationship.... It sounds like the way I'd want to be in my 70s, at the end of my days.

Dan*, 35

My girlfriend and I met at a [swinger] party, and we hit it off immediately. We've been together a year and a half. Rules are constantly evolving. The one trap I fall into sometimes is that I think [about] what would bother me and assume other people have the same things they're OK with. We have started writing down rules.... One time I did too much MDMA and wasn't really aware that she was there, and we had a conversation about that after and decided to tone down the drugs when we do things because we're not as aware about our partners and their feelings when we're really out of it.

...You have a fight and learn. That's why we started writing things down — you learn that sometimes what you're OK with, the other person isn't OK with. A lot of it is talking about individual people. I know it might sound weird to go through a roster of possibilities and say, "OK, they're fine; they're not." But that's sometimes how it has to be.

Hannah, 26

...You get to a point with dating when you're poly where you're like, "You need to be aware that in the future I may or may not want to see other people at the same time as you. You have to be OK with that if you want to date me." We got to that point, and it turns out we were both poly but at the time weren't seeing anyone else....

You have to talk to people, lots of communication — people say that's the key, and that's because it is....

I identify as solo poly, which is a little bit lesser known... Solo poly is where instead of fully combining your life with someone else, you retain your sense of autonomy. That could mean having your own place or having your own room in a place that you share with your partners, or it could just mean that you always have the last say... It also has a lot to do with avoiding a hierarchy....

Samantha, 36

There's two ways of doing things: You can have rules to start with and see if you're OK with things and then have less rules, or you can go into it with no rules and see what works.... We more plan it ahead of time and see what we're OK with.

...It can be a bit scary for people. I've been with people who really thought they wanted to take that leap, but then suddenly got really scared and decided they were never going to stop being monogamous — they were just going to cheat on partners forever because they couldn't handle living an "abnormal" way of life. The problem is you can never tell who those people are going to be....

Janet, 33

...I didn't know about "poly" until I was an adult and immediately felt relieved thinking, 'Oh, finally, this describes me completely!' ...With my current partner, I was very open about not ever loving one person at a time and that I crush easily on others. We played with poly rules and relationships, but found it hard to manage initially without really hurting each other. I then read the book The Ethical Slut, and it gave me some framework on how to make things work.

We found it was easier to open up our relationship after we got married. We were solid that we were coming home to one another every night, so it gave us the comfort and security to play knowing we were still crazy about each other....

Read more (July 7, 2016).


● The most recent one, just out:

How I Told My Husband and Boyfriend I'm Dating Another Man

Illustration by Kitron Neuschatz

By Jeff Leavell

I had a confession to make. To my husband, Alex, and our boyfriend, Jon. I was pretty sure I was having an affair, and I was pretty sure it was outside the rules of our open relationship....

Telling Jon about Conor [the affair guy] was easy.... Jon is different than Alex and me: He is easier, has less need to be in control. Alex and I are alpha, territorial.

Jon encouraged me. He enjoyed watching my new relationship develop. And that meant I had someone to share my fears and anxieties with.

I planned on spending a week in Spokane to celebrate Alex's birthday with him. I had rented a large house, so we could be alone. I knew if I let this go any longer without being honest then I was back to being a cheater.

We would probably fight, and our fights can be epic. But we would have endless conversations, too, and I loved our endless conversations. I loved nothing more than staying up all night with Alex, simply talking.

Nothing mattered if I couldn't share my feelings about Conor with Alex, but I was afraid. Recently, things had been tough between us....

On the way to Spokane, my flight got delayed in Salt Lake City. I imagined every possible outcome to the conversation we were about to have. I imagined huge, operatic screaming matches in my head. I would storm out. Alex would throw my luggage through windows. We would end up fucking on the lawn, all of Spokane cheering us on.

When I finally saw Alex at the arrivals curb, I thought I would cry. I always feel this way when I haven't seen him in a long time. All the emptiness of him being gone suddenly filling up with his presence. I suddenly felt home and safe.

We sat at the Satellite Diner in downtown Spokane, surrounded by drunk straight guys and their drunker girlfriends.

"I need to say something," I said. "But I don't want to."...

Read on (July 19). Jeff Leavell also wrote about his gay triad for Vice a year ago: How I Figured Out the Rules of My Three-Way Relationship (July 22, 2015).


● This one appeared in Vice's print issue (April 2016) as well as online:

How to Make Polyamory Work

Photo collage by Zoe Ligon

By Ana Cecilia Alvarez

...When we talk about "being open," relationships morph from systems into spaces — ones we must design and navigate.

I sat down with three friends to explore how and why people with different relationship structures make them work....

David Velasco: The vocabulary for this stuff is always so tough for me. Even the term "relationship" feels inadequate — as if "my relationship" is the only one I have, or as if all the other relationships I have in my life are somehow lesser.

I've been with one of my partners for twelve years now. From the get-go, we were basically open; we didn't like to call each other "boyfriends." We think we're two people who love each other and enjoy each other's company. We have another partner who we've been seeing together for a number of years. Figuring out how you define that has been an interesting process. Relating to this idea of "relationship models," I don't want to personally set any at all.

Ana Cecilia Alvarez: "Model" is a playful word in that way; it implies a system but also something for people to emulate, something to be followed.

Velasco: There is a very useful book for all of this. I grew up in Portland, Oregon, in the 90s — heaven to a young queer figuring his shit out. There, I found this exceptional book called The Ethical Slut. One of my partners recently downloaded the audiobook. The authors, Dossie Easton and Janet W. Hardy narrate it. Their voices are so soft and therapeutic, and they describe every possibility and potential in a nonjudgmental way and have great rules for negotiating conflict. One of my favorites is practicing having regular arguments with your partners. You just yell at one another in gibberish, so it gets it out of your system.

I've had conversations about monogamy and whether that would be interesting to try out for a while. There's something erotic about that arrangement.

Charlotte Shane: [Monogamy] feels quite new for me. I remember being a kid and not understanding any ideas about sexual purity. Wouldn't you want your partner to be good at sex, and isn't that only going to happen with experience? I wish that in our culture — and it might be shifting toward this anyway — the default was open relationships, and monogamy was the exception....

Jasmine Gibson: I was in a monogamous relationship once before college, and it didn't work. When people ask me how an open relationship works, they either say, "That must be so hard," or they say the opposite, "Then no one must get mad."

Alvarez: People assume that in open relationships there's either more conflict or none at all.

Gibson: I think of relationships as fluid and temporary. They can break off, or they can lull and mutate into something else. There have been periods when my partner and I wanted to just see each other, and other times when we've both been with other people. It's when we start creating boundaries that we get into trouble. "Us" is a weird, fluid, stretchy thing. That gives me peace of mind.

I think monogamy is erotic in the same way we eroticize the lone cowboy, this symbol of American exceptionalism. This idea that there is just one person who responds to all your needs, that there's only one person strong enough to fulfill whatever your desires are. It's so erotic because it's so dark....

Velasco: What about the pleasure of jealousy?

Alvarez: I hate to admit it, but I feel motivated by other people being into my partner.

Velasco: What makes admitting it uncomfortable?

Alvarez: With openness, I have to accept my real self versus my ideal self. My ideal self is very chill, and cool, and affirming, and curious — but not in a controlling way, just in an empathic way — and encouraging, and deeply secured and satisfied. My real self is insecure, fearful, and bratty....

Shane: I know what you mean about your ideal, intellectually mature self and then your emotionally real self. There's a really potent mix of fear and insecurity that can be a huge turn-on.

-------------------------

Velasco: If I have an idea of the world I'd love to inhabit, it includes as expansive an idea of family as possible.

Alvarez: This makes me think of co-parenting or fantasies of living in communal spaces where everyone's fucking everyone.

Gibson: My partner and our two lovers have playfully talked about living together in a house and co-parenting a baby. We thought that's the best way for a child to grow up — having healthy relationships with adults where who mommy or daddy is matters less than how much love the child receives.

Velasco: One of my lovers lives in the same building as me, but on a different floor, and the other lives a short bicycle ride away. I love the idea of communal living — the idea of being in proximity to everyone I love, friend and lover and in-between. Now that I am getting older, the question of children comes up more. I can't imagine a more complicated negotiation. I already think relationships are so complicated. But kids are a next-level complication....

The whole piece (online April 27, 2016).

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Dossie Easton on polyamory community, getting *The Ethical Slut* published, and more

Wag's Revue

Dossie Easton is 70 this year. She's a psychotherapist, co-author of The Ethical Slut and a variety of kink handbooks, and a delightful speaker at poly and other sex-positive gatherings. She just had a 13-page interview published in the quarterly online literary magazine Wag's Revue:

Dossie Easton, born in 1944 and a slut since 1969, is dedicated to exploring new paradigms of gender, sexuality, and relationships.... [She] chatted with contributor Abby Koski on the phone about how the Internet has shaped polyamory, modern marriages, radical publishing, the craft of co-authorship, and erotic art.

Easton: I learned to use the word “slut” in an approving manner when I was living with gay men for fifteen years, and you know, the baths were a big deal during that wonderful time in the 70s, and it’s still continuing now, but the opening of sexuality was just gorgeous, it was just amazing, and so we did a lot of reclaiming of language.

...Are there any big differences, or similarities, that you notice when you compare the open community today versus the open community when you became involved in it?

Oh, I laugh. Back in 1971, my daughter was two years old, and I had been non-monogamous since 1969. It was a decision I made three months after my daughter was born, and I found myself a single mother due to circumstances I had not planned, and it was the communal era, there was a lot of living communally and raising children communally. The biggest extended family I joined was in the Bay Area here, and it was a house in The Society for Creative Anachronism. I mean, this is one particular group of people who have established themselves as poly a long time ago, and their institutions continue to be very polyamorous, so it’s one place people can go and find peers who are interested in doing this stuff.

...There’s an enormous amount of prejudice when people open their relationships, still. And so if people don’t have some sort of community, it’s going to be really isolating, and they’ll have no one to talk to when things get difficult. And paying someone like me is only part of the solution.

Right, it’s a community learning process. It’s not about just one couple, or one person, figuring it all out.

Yeah! ...If a couple opens their relationship, is there someone else out there who is experienced and has knowledge about common problems one may run across? You can’t get it all from books!...

Here's page 1 of the interview; click the right arrow to flip the pages. (Spring 2014 issue).

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In other book news, Franklin Veaux and Eve Rickert's More Than Two: A practical guide to ethical polyamory is all done but the publishing! Which will happen with fanfare on May 30th. I like the cover they chose, but I like the content even more — and not just because I edited it. All 480 pages of it, as the finished book will be.

Despite its size, and despite the fact that it's self-published (under their new Thorntree Press imprint), they managed to bring it in at an Amazon price of $17.75. You can pre-order here at that price.

Here's a Chapter 1 excerpt and the table of contents.

As I say on the back cover, this book is going to be an Event. As interest in ethical multi-relationships enters mainstream culture, the book sets a new standard for realistic, down-to-earth guidance on how to make them work.

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It's out: "The Ethical Slut, an Alternative Love Story," the webseries.

Remember filmmaker Ben Fritz's Kickstarter campaign last year for his Ethical Slut webseries? Now you can watch all of Season 1.

Filmed in Madison, Wisconsin, it's "inspired by" the classic poly and open-relationship guidebook by Dossie Easton and Janet Hardy (and has their blessing). Fritz and his crew have posted Season 1, with 12 short (mostly 5- to 8-minute) episodes. And, he announced earlier this month, "Season 2 is in post-production, and Season 3 starts filming this week!"

Trailer, aka Episode 1 (3:42):



Episode 2 (7:37):



Here are all episodes of Season 1.

Director's description:

Dotty, a marriage therapist, sees couples who don't appreciate each other. When her friend Jackie confesses to cheating on her husband, she's motivated to find alternative ways people organize relationships. Is it possible to have all the sex, love, and affection you can dream of, without the shame and guilt?

The Ethical Slut is the official handbook to polyamorous living. It's a no-holds-barred guide for anyone who dreams of a world beyond conventional relationships. A slut is anyone of any gender who has the courage to lead a life according to the principals that sex is nice and pleasure is good for you. Dotty and Jackie, two friends in Madison, Wisconsin, find The Ethical Slut when they discover that convention relationships aren't working in their lives. Dotty, a marriage therapist, wants to find new ways of helping her clients organize satisfying lives and challenge herself to keep growing. Jackie, a successful real estate agent, has found a new zest for life in a newly awakened sexuality, but finds it conflicts with her old life. Together, with the aid of The Ethical Slut, they begin to explore the wide world or relationships, and the infinite possibilities. The series is shot in Madison, Wisconsin and many of Madison's favorite locations and businesses are represented. We are always seeking support and donations to keep our series going.

The show's Facebook page.

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Authorized "Ethical Slut" comedy webseries is planned

Yes, plans are afoot for a comedy webseries based on the open-relationship classic The Ethical Slut. And yes, authors Dossie Easton and Janet Hardy have authorized the project. They are working with award-winning web-show producer Ben Fritz of Los Angeles and support the vision he has expressed to them for it.

"The first season will be 12 episodes, each about 10 minutes long," says a publicity post. It's to be filmed this summer in Madison, Wisconsin. Fritz and co-producer Mike Murray have opened an office in Madison and are recruiting cast. They have also reached out to the poly community "so at the very least we could get some ideas and insight into some things this community would like to see portrayed."

How much of this happens, and when, may depend on their kickstarter campaign. As of May 1st it was a little more than halfway to its $30,000 goal with little time left. [Update May 9th: They made the goal, barely, with help from publicity in Madison newspapers in the final few days. It looked to me like some big donor was pledging and de-pledging to adjust the fundraising drama toward the goal.] The Kickstarter link includes this video:




An article about the project has appeared in Oakland Local in California:

Sex-positive classic written in Oakland to be made into web show

By Airial Clark

You may not know this, but one of the world’s most popular books on consensual non-monogamy, "The Ethical Slut," has it roots in Oakland.

The expanded 2nd edition, 2009

...How do the authors feels about their book being adapted into a web-series?

Janet Hardy said: "Well, we like Ben very much — the three of us spent a weekend together, hiking and talking and making sure we were on the same page, and we both felt confident that his approach was one we could live with. And I think a web series has the potential to reach audiences that might never pick up a polyamory book."

Dossie agrees, saying, "This seems to me like a nifty way to bring our lifestyle and our ideas to the public in a lighthearted and fun way. I'm hoping the representations of poly people will give an at least sort of realistic view of who we are and that people can identify even if they don't choose our lifestyle."

Any adaption comes with the risk of the original work being lost in translation, so I asked the authors if they were worried. According to Janet their biggest concern is that the series will find the right balance between humor/sexiness and respect for the material: “We don't want our material presented as a f--kfest and neither do we want it turned into slapstick. We also don't want our book, or poly in general, presented as hetero-centrist, which has been a problem in many mainstream depictions of poly. We wouldn't have signed with Ben if we hadn't felt comfortable with his ability to walk that line.”

I checked in with Fritz to see if he has the same goals for the web-series.

“I am excited to explore all sexualities," he said. "The main characters will be Queer and everything in between.”

He also mentioned another text written by Janet Hardy, her new memoir, "Girl Fag: A Life Told in Sex and Musicals," as another source of material for the show.

“This story is a journey, an arc, of how some regular old Middle-Americans rediscover joy and the wonders of self-knowledge,” Fritz said.

...Ben advised me that he choose to set the series in Middle-America because he “didn't want the story to be dismissed as one of the crazy things those Californians do, as California is already associated with fringe societies. Setting it in a more traditional Mid-America environment gives opportunity to create drama as this new progressive way of relating meets up with traditional views.”

The show is early in production with casting decisions still being made.... Both Easton and Hardy expressed their hope for the project to find adequate funding to be produced the way it should be.

Here's the original article (April 26, 2013).

A publicist for the project posted this on reddit/r/polyamory:

Hi all,

My good friend Ben has obtained the rights to the world famous Polyamory guidebook "The Ethical Slut"! He has won awards for his previous web-series "Cynthia Watros gets lost" and now plans on making a web-series based on the guidebook filmed in Madison, WI. this summer. The first season will be 12 episodes each about 10 minutes long. Ben has tasked me with reaching out to the polyamory communities so at the very least we could get some ideas and insight into some things this community would like to see portrayed in the Web-series based on the book "The Ethical Slut".

We have also started a kickstarter campaign to raise some money to pay for good talent, and other cost associated with filming.

http://www.kickstarter.com/projects/1140659809/ethical-slut?ref=city

There are some really cool rewards, especially to anyone that has a close connection with this book and most of them are really affordable. For instance you can become an on-screen extra to playing a role in the series yourself. There is even a level to receive recognition as an Executive Producer!

Like I said, If you can't join the kickstarter campaign, at the very least we would really appreciate if this community could give some input or ideas you think are worth exploring in the series, I would love to hear them as well! I'm sure "The Ethical Slut" has a lot of significant meaning or has helped some of you along the way in your quest for successful Polyamorous living. Nows your chance to help it continue to stay in the spotlight and to help others!

Thank you and I hope to hear back from some of you.

Immediately one or two commenters kicked up a controversy about whether the book is sex-and-swinging oriented rather than poly, and whether a webseries based on it would be a shallow letdown. Fritz replied,

Hi, thanks for taking some time to check out the project. I've never heard any-one call me slick, and I've never been to film school. What I love about this journey is it's so much more than sex. Yes, sex fills the seats, it perks up our ears; but this story is ultimately about growth and self-knowledge, and yes, unconditional love. I have no interest in exploiting this story, and I spent time with the authors to talk about how best to honor it and still entertain. In a best case scenario I hope concepts shared can help people heal and grow their own relationships, whatever they may be. We plan on representing all sexualities.

Yesterday Fritz posted an update:

We are half way to our goal of $30,000! As the money comes in, everything is aligning for an awesome community project. We just opened our production office in downtown Madison, right across from the capital! We've started auditions and crew interviews, and boy, there is so much talent here in Madison alone. Please help spread the word, we will be doing a big push over the next few weeks.

Here's the whole reddit thread.

P. S. You may remember earlier plans by Moses Ma in 2007 to make an Ethical Slut movie based on the book. Nothing came of that.

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Poly Books of 2009:1. The Ethical Slut, Second Edition

We're only a month from the end of the 00's — pronounced "the Uh-ohs," the best name for this awful decade I've heard. Let's hope 2010 is the start of something better.

Two polyamory books appeared in English in 2009 (as far as I know, as well as one in French), following three in 2008 (those were Opening Up by Tristan Taormino, Open by Jenny Block, and The Polyamory Handbook by Peter J. Benson). The 2009 crop consists of the new, enlarged edition of The Ethical Slut and a rather different item, Gaia and the New Politics of Love: Notes for a Poly Planet.

Here's my review of the first. The second will be up next.


The Ethical Slut, 2nd edition: A Practical Guide to Polyamory, Open Relationships & Other Adventures (Ten Speed Press).

"Many people dream of having an abundance of love and sex and friendship," begins Chapter 1;

Some believe that such a life is impossible and settle for less than they want, feeling always a little lonely, a little frustrated. Others try to achieve their dream, but are thwarted by outside social pressures or by their own emotions, and decide that such dreams must stay in the realm of fantasy. A few, though, persist and discover that being openly loving, intimate, and sexual with many people is not only possible but can be more rewarding than they ever imagined.

The Ethical Slut is often called "the bible of polyamory," but it's really the bible of one poly model: the "independent agent" model, basically poly singles — or pairs or groups of singles. This model sees individuals as ultimately responsible only for their own lives and choices, at least in some deep philosophical sense. Authors Dossie Easton and Janet W. Hardy (who formerly wrote under the pseudonym Catherine A. Liszt, "cat-a-liszt") come from the urban kink scene; perhaps this influenced them to speak to readers who see themselves as independent agents in a big wide sexy world.

A lot of people, however, make their way to poly as already committed-up couples who do not see themselves as acting and deciding on their own. These people may find that Tristan Taormino's Opening Up speaks to them more directly — though the new edition of Slut does add a new chapter on opening an existing relationship.

Regardless, Slut is packed with ideas and wisdom for anyone who is interested in ethical nonmonogamy among good, sex-positive, emotionally healthy people.

A little history: when the first edition came out in 1997, it hardly mentioned the word "polyamory"; the word itself was only a few years old. Easton and Hardy published the book through Hardy's own Greenery Press, a tiny outfit that specializes in kink and BSDM titles. But even without much advertising or bookstore placement, sales of The Ethical Slut spread by word of mouth. By 2007 more than 75,000 copies were in print, according to Hardy, and it was reportedly selling faster than when it was new. A lot of people (my friends say) were buying second copies because they'd loaned out their first one so many times they'd lost it.

Last March Dossie and Janet brought out their long-promised second edition. This time the word "polyamory" is right on the cover; while the first edition was subtitled "A Guide to Infinite Sexual Possibilities," the second is subtitled "A Practical Guide to Polyamory, Open Relationships & Other Adventures."

So, how is the new Slut new?

It's 35% longer, by word count. It's reorganized to reflect the poly community's changing nature and concerns in the last 12 years, as well as the authors' increased experience. Dossie is a counselor by profession, and since gaining poly stardom she's seen a lot more poly clients and their problems. The book has two new chapters ("Opening an Existing Relationship" and "Lifestyles of the Single Slut") and much more about jealousy. New sidebar boxes throughout the book offer real-life psychological exercises to improve your skills in handling the situations being discussed.

Dossie says that she and Janet are better writers now than 12 years ago, and a line-by-line comparison shows lots of little improvements to the smoothness and flow. The book's design is more professional. It now has an index and a glossary. And it's in mainstream bookstores.

But in reaching out to a larger audience, has it become a bit... tamer? Here's a snip from the old edition, in the "Group Sex, Public Sex, Orgies" chapter, that says more than any abstract advice:

A young roommate of Dossie's once wound up in bed with both her current and her previous [male] lovers in an unplanned episode of lust run amok. Courtesy of inadequate soundproofing and a good imagination, Dossie knew what was going on and was wondering how they were doing when Kenny, the current boyfriend, staggered into the kitchen. "Dossie!" he pleaded. "I don't know what to do! Help!" She said, "Don't forget to breathe. This is not a contest, this is about doing what feels good." He muttered it like a mantra, "Breathe, no contest, feel good, breathe, no contest..." squared his shoulders and gamely returned to the fray.

The passage is gone from the new edition.

But never mind. If you're interested enough to have read this far, you need this book. It's liberating, fun, and well worth loaning out until you lose it. Maybe by then there'll be a third edition!

Some excerpts:

From the new "Group Sex" chapter (yes, I know you're interested):

Most people approach their first group sex party in a mental maelstrom of fears, fantasies, and wild expectations about what might, or worse yet, might not happen. We strongly recommend that you get a grip on yourself, acknowledge that you don't actually know what is going to happen, and go to the party with the expectation that you will be proud of yourself if you manage to walk in the door. If you stay for an hour and watch, you get a gold star....

Couples at the orgy: Deal with your relationship before you go. This is important. Are you going as a couple, to show off your incredible sexiness? Are you cruising for thirds and fourths? Or are you going as two separate individuals, to meet people and share sex with them? If one of you connects with a hot number, is the other welcome to join in? Do you need your partner's agreement before you play with someone? If you need to pause in a flirtation to check in with your partner, experienced sluts will admire your thoughtfulness and integrity.... The reason you decide all this in advance is that it is way too ugly to have a disagreement about this sort of thing in public, where if you do disagree, you are likely to feel embarrassed and angry and make a big unhappy mess.

...We like to watch couples make love with each other at parties — you can see the intimacy, and how well they know each others' ways, how beautifully they fit together, how exquisitely orchestrated lovemaking can become with years of practice. We like it as a fine experience for the voyeur and because we can learn a lot from people who are experts on each other.

...Play parties can also offer you the opportunity to process fears and jealousies about your partner. How does it feel to watch your partner make love with another person? Is it really awful? You might be surprised to find yourself feeling pretty neutral, like "Gee, I thought that would bother me but actually it doesn't!"

Elsewhere in the book, on asking for what you want:

The important thing is to be aware of your needs and wants, so you can go about getting them met with full consciousness.... Do not commit yourself to a lifetime of hinting and hoping. When you figure out what you want and ask for it, you’ll be surprised how often the answer is "yes."

On gender roles:

What we can all learn from transgender people is that gender is malleable.... If you think this doesn’t apply to you, that you are certain of your gender and that it’s immutable, please consider that a great many people are born with characteristics of both genders.... And a great many people whose genitals and chromosomes are all lined up with biological norms nonetheless feel strongly that they would live more happily and appropriately when presenting as a different gender than the one the doctor assigned them at birth.... Gender-queer people — those who choose to live their lives somewhere between the usual gender roles — are softening the boundaries of gender and demonstrating what life without binary gender might look like.

On monogamy:

We believe that monogamy will continue to thrive as it always has, a perfectly valid choice for those who truly choose it. (We don’t think it’s much of a choice when you are forbidden to choose anything else.)

On "earning your slut merit badge":

The people we know who succeed at ethical sluthood usually have a set of skills that help them forge their pathway cleanly, honestly, and with a minimum of unnecessary pain. Here are some of the skills we think are important:

[Each of these gets two to four paragraphs:] Communication... Emotional honesty... Affection... Faithfulness... Limit-setting... Planning... Knowing yourself... Owning your feelings... Going easy on yourself... Telling the truth.

In conclusion:

We want to create a world where everyone has plenty of what they need: of community, of connection, of touch and sex and love.... We dream of a world where no one has desires they have no hope of fulfilling, where no one suffers from shame because of their desires, or embarrassment about their dreams, where no one is starving from lack of sex.

You can read much more of the book (including the table of contents) in this free preview.

Reid Mihalko has just put up a 90-minute video interview he did with Dossie about the release of the new edition: Parts 1, 2, 3, 4, 5, 6, 7, 8, 9, 10.

Here's a print interview with her that appeared in The Daily Beast.

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Interview with Dossie Easton, Ethical Slut coauthor

The Daily Beast

The long-awaited second edition of The Ethical Slut, the classic poly handbook first published in 1997, finally came out in March. The new edition is 30% bigger (by word count) and rather more polished. And it includes the benefits of 12 more years of the authors' experience living with and counseling the poly and kinky communities. Get it — especially because you've probably loaned out your first edition once too often and lost it.

An interview with co-author Dossie Easton has appeared in The Daily Beast and was picked up by AlterNet:

The Ethical Slut Returns

by Marty Beckerman

Into threesomes? Foursomes? Moresomes? The co-author of a cult classic about open relationships talks sex communes, romantic one-night stands, and offering chicken soup to lovers.

...By “slut,” you don’t mean someone who detaches sex from emotion, or who selfishly takes advantage of others; instead you urge readers to seek love — genuine emotional connections — in “abundance,” rejecting the notion that our affection is a pizza with only so many slices.

This idea started way back in the communal era in 1969 when I was in Haight-Ashbury. I said, “If I want to change my world in terms of how relationships are, and be non-monogamous forever in my own personal life, it should be about warmth and affection.” One of the very first things I learned was how to be affectionate toward many lovers, which is very hard to do coming from New York where things are very cool and detached.

There was no precedent but it worked; I could love them, be there for them, care for them — if someone was sick I’d bring them chicken soup — and be loyal in a new way that fit for a lot of people, including other women and single mothers. We were the love generation, and we were very new to sexual freedom. There was a lot of idealism. Very quickly I had a community of people excited about raising our children. We created the proverbial village long before It Takes a Village.

Young people in the 21st century seem much more utilitarian about hooking up, whereas emotions are reserved for relationships, so it’s bizarre to think of one night stands as romantic.

My primary partner is of your generation, actually. People who prefer polyamory are very into the notion that these relationships can be connected and full. I have a whole bunch of lovers whom I have dates with once per year. We’re dear, dear friends. . . I have a primary partner — my life partner — whom I live with, and a secondary lover, and some playmates locally. Essentially what you are creating is a very complicated, interconnected family. It’s a community, and if someone has an illness or a breakup, everyone is there to offer support. I can’t go around in the Bay Area though because I’ve ceded it to my clients; I’ve ruled out sharing sex with my therapy clients....

Liberal states famously have fewer divorces and out-of-wedlock births than conservative states. Why is that?

...The more you attempt to stifle sexuality the more likely it is to be done without thought.

...An orgy is a great way to get over stage fright?

It is! It is! And bad body image.

Read the whole article (April 24, 2009). Here it is on Alternet. Comments are piling up in both places.

Update: The kinky YouTubers Mayhem and Trouble do a pleasant little 10-minute interview with co-authors Dossie Easton and Janet Hardy.

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Poly books in the news

A nice thing about getting a book published is that it can reach people who never read books. Talk shows, newspaper and magazine articles, and new-media chatter (pushed, hopefully, by the publisher's publicity department) can all spread your stuff around.

Here's a roundup of recent media prompted by books on polyamory.

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Opening Up: A Guide to Creating and Sustaining Open Relationships by Tristan Taormino (371 pages, Cleis Press, May 2008).

Sex author Tristan Taormino keeps adding to her list of media appearances for this book, which was published last spring.

A new addition to the list: in Montreal's weekly newspaper Hour, a columnist muses on the meaning of Taormino's book and also Jenny Block's Open: Love, Sex and Life in an Open Marriage, which was published at nearly the same time:

By Laura Roberts [Nov. 6, 2008]

...Both Jenny Block and Tristan Taormino make the argument that human beings, like many other animal species, just aren't cut out for lifelong relationship commitments. In her book Open: Love, Sex and Life in an Open Marriage, Block discusses her own decision to open up her marriage. Taormino's book, Opening Up: A Guide to Creating and Sustaining Open Relationships, is a sort of how-to manual that focuses on the history and various kinds of open relationships. Both writers agree that monogamy is rarely an option that is chosen these days so much as dictated by society. Indeed, the society we currently live in would have us believe that the perfect couple is one in which neither partner needs nor wants anything outside of the relationship.

This is, of course, insane....

...Certainly, open relationships aren't the answer for everyone, but these two books urge us all to communicate more about our own wants and needs — sound advice for couples of all kinds.

Read the whole article.

In the UK, The F Word, "contemporary UK feminism," presents a long review of Opening Up:

By Red Chidgey

Once past the salacious opening of Taormino admitting she enjoyed public sex parties, the writing style and presentation of this book is textbook detached. The romantics amongst us might prefer the more poly-as-gift approach of Wendy-O Matik’s Redefining Our Relationships, which speaks to the creative, focused-attention side of open relationships and anarcha-dating styles. Or there’s the juicily imaginative Pagan Polyamory: Becoming a Tribe of Hearts, by Raven Kaldera — a witch’s look at building a community of lovers which deals with the obstacles and challenges of polyamory from an astrological/Pagan approach: from communication processes of Mercury to the transformations of Pluto.

This said, Opening Up is a much-welcome addition to the polyamory fray and deals expertly with the philosophical and manifold reasons for giving up on the ghost of monogamy.... In terms of breadth, it rivals other books on the market for providing working models for all kinds of non-exclusive permeations and for being transparent about the demographics of its research informants (the appendices include a breakdown of age, occupation and so on for the hundred or so people who contributed their stories to the book). For open-relationship beginners, it is an excellent first port of call; for those who greedily snap up anything on poly-loving that they can find, it might not offer anything new, but it will refresh your memory about stuff that is worth revisiting.

Yep, Opening Up may skimp on lurid details of play mates and sex adventures, or fall short on suggestive ideas about the erotic/cute things you can do for the lovers in your life (take a look at the poly bible The Ethical Slut for that); but it does provide a comprehensive journey for relationship self-starters. Demonstrating that non-exclusive relationships aren’t just for the queers and self-confessed perverts, Taormino weaves interviews, analysis and in-depth profiles of poly practitioners to represent and eulogize how everyday “people make room in their beds, lives, and hearts for other people”. Count me in.

Read the whole review (Sept. 4, 2008).

Taormino is currently back out on the book-tour trail, with public appearances coming up in Portland, Oregon; Seattle, Washington DC, and Baltimore; see her schedule of events.

Taormino maintains an Opening Up book website that's especially notable for its big, up-to-date listings of poly resources — including local and regional poly groups and poly-friendly professionals (therapists, doctors, lawyers, etc.).

Also, don't miss her sex-advice site Pucker Up (NSFW), and her Double-T Newsletter. Sadly, she was recently laid off from her longtime Village Voice column.

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Open: Love, Sex and Life in an Open Marriage by Jenny Block (276 pages, Seal Press, May 2008).

Meanwhile, Jenny Block appeared last week on "Good Morning Texas," a TV talk show in her home area, Dallas/Fort Worth. Watch it here (Nov 6, 2008).

The Tyra Banks Show has put up a quick video of Jenny giving a few sentences of open-relationship advice, and the comments are burning up. Add your own.

She has also gotten a new gig writing a weekly Sex Talk column in Quick, a free weekly paper put out by the mainstream Dallas Morning News.

The best-selling lesbian magazine Curve interviews Block in its November issue. The interview is not on the web (yet); it's in the paper magazine only.

Block has a column in the Huffington Post. She also has a new video up on Tango magazine's website, for which she has written several articles.

She also contributed the lead chapter to a new anthology titled One Big Happy Family: 18 Writers Talk About Polyamory, Open Adoption, Mixed Marriage, Househusbands, Single Motherhood, and Other Realities of Truly Modern Love, edited by Rebecca Walker (Riverhead Books). The book is due out February 19, 2009. "These plainspoken, cage-rattling essays... address how dramatically the traditional nuclear American family has changed," writes Publisher's Weekly. Read the whole review; scroll 1/8 of the way down (Nov. 10, 2008).

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The Ethical Slut by Dossie Easton and "Catherine A. Liszt" (Janet Hardy) (279 pages, Greenery Press, 1997) is now 11 years old and getting dated. A revised and expanded second edition is due out next year. But the current edition is still selling well and getting occasional media notice, such as this from Time Out New York:

Free love: Is getting intimate with more than one person really so wrong?

By Julia Allison

I first heard of the 1997 cult-favorite book The Ethical Slut almost a year ago, when the guy I was seeing at the time referenced it to support his case (more like plea) for an open relationship. I found the title intriguing, but only recently purchased a copy. The premise is that polyamory (being romantically involved with more than one person at a time) is our natural state — monogamy, not so much.

...The authors argue that it’s not inherently unethical to have simultaneous partners; what is unethical is treating your partners badly.... “We measure the ethics of a good slut not by the number of his partners, but by the respect and care with which he treats them.... One-night stands can be intense, life-enhancing and fulfilling; so can lifetime love affairs,” they write.

They take issue with our culture’s prevailing sentiment that “If you’re really in love, you will automatically lose all interest in others,” and the corollary “If you’re having sexual or romantic feelings toward anyone but your partner, you’re not really in love.”

...On a personal level, the authors might have convinced me that any hurt I’ve experienced is just the grief over what I’ve considered to be another strikeout in the relationship game. Perhaps I should take a look at it from their point of view: “Our monogamy-centrist culture tends to assume that the purpose and ultimate goal of all relationships — and, for that matter, all sex — is lifetime pair-bonding, and that any relationship which falls short of that goal has failed.... All relationships have the potential to teach us, move us, and above all, give us pleasure.”

...Honestly, if all men I dated treated me with this much respect and love, I’d probably have slept with a lot more of them.

Read the whole article (July 17-23, 2008).

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In yet more poly book news: Maria Pallotta-Chiarolli posts that her new young-adult novel Love You Two (Random House, October 2008; 307 pages; ISBN 9781741660715 paperpack) "has been published here in Australia. It is the first to address polyamorous and bisexual relationships, particularly for young adults, in Australia. Any critical feedback is most welcome!" (It's now available on Amazon.)

Here is the publisher's description:

When Maria was a little girl, her mum used to sign cards and notes to her and her younger brother Leo with the crazy line, Love you t(w)oo. It was supposed to make them feel like their mum had heaps of love for both of them, that she loved them equally. Well, that's okay when you love all your kids. Actually, that's the way it should be. But what happens when your mum decides that her turning-40 revolution is going to be the announcement that she loves your dad as much as ever, but is also in love with someone else! Maria's mum has always been strong and funny and maybe a bit too cool for a mum. Maria's always loved her mum for fighting the 'old wog ways' and making sure Maria has an easier time growing up and discovering love than she did. But can Maria's love for her mum deal with this? Is there a limit to love and can it easily turn to hate? Does love end? What is love anyway? And what does it all mean for Maria's own feelings about her new guy?

From the author:

Love You Two was inspired by Maria Pallotta-Chiarolli’s 15 years of community work and academic research and publishing in sexual, family and cultural diversity in Australia, with an emphasis on adults and adolescents, and parents and their children.

She says, ‘There were lots of people I’d met, events I’d witnessed, that just hung around in my head and heart begging to be taken out, aired and affirmed. I wanted to write a comforting, funny, challenging and realistic book for young people and the adults in their lives who love “differently”, whose families are misunderstood, misrepresented, and hidden, so that they could find themselves and know that what matters is how people love, not who they love.’

And this is from a review by an English teacher:

...Here, [she] encounters a different style of living where openness and acceptance are the norm: ‘Where people are multicultural, multisexual. Where knowing how to love is what matters, not who you love.’ Love You Two is an absorbing coming-of-age novel about the complex nature of identity: the false fronts that people present to the world and the secrets they keep hidden. The ideas presented in it are radical and challenging — perhaps too much so for some — with homosexuality and bisexuality, polygamy and sexual intimacy discussed in a frank and open manner. At times, this makes for discomfiting reading. Ultimately, while Love You Two is to be commended for its bravery, it should be recommended with discernment.

Three New Polyamory Books

It's been four years since the last polyamory guidebook came out: Anthony Ravenscroft's Polyamory: Roadmaps for the Clueless & Hopeful, which I find rich in ideas but overwritten, over-opinionated, and poorly edited. And there were only a few poly books before that.

Now all of a sudden we've got three new ones. What are they like?

Each is very different from the others, and each is very good in its own way.


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1. The Polyamory Handbook: A User's Guide by Peter J. Benson (392 pages, AuthorHouse, March 2008).

Pete Benson has been living poly and devoting serious thought to it for decades, and he's a regular at Loving More gatherings. He has compiled a big, well-organized, workmanlike guide to every Poly 101 and 201 issue you can think of and then some. On nearly every topic he stays close to the conventional community wisdom, and to me this is a good thing. The community wisdom is the hard-won distillation of countless people's trials and errors. Benson certainly has his own opinions, but he doesn't let them get in the way.

Like a medical handbook, this is more for browsing than reading cover to cover. Pick an issue and here it's dealt with, in 122 subsections of 10 chapters. The chapter categories are: Is Polyamory for You?, Varieties of Polyamory, Ethical Considerations, Sexual Hygiene, The Relationship Agreement, Relationship Skills, Resolving Issues, Day-to-Day Living, Multi-Adult Families, Legalities, and an appendix of resources. It's heavily cross-referenced and has a good index.

At last February's Poly Living conference, longtime activist C. T. Butler observed that the poly handbooks up to then, perhaps trying to stay "respectable," hadn't said much about managing the dynamics of group sex (polysexuality), even though this skill can be crucial for a tightly interbonded poly group and is not exactly taught in school. Butler suggested that this be a criterion for rating future poly guides. Benson devotes just a couple pages to polysexuality, mostly to warn about the "who's getting left out" syndrome but not saying much about the ways to prevent it. On the other hand, he devotes 38 informative, explicit pages to safer sex — an essential part of any poly guide.

Although most of the book is very matter-of-fact, in the introduction Benson shows his mystical side:

In Chapter 6, talking about human interconnections in twosomes and larger groups, I use a metaphor from chemistry, refering to individuals as "atoms" and couples and larger committed groups as "molecules." The metaphor is actually quite close. In any chemical molecule (containing two atoms, three, or thousands), each atom exchanges energy with the others in such a way as to create the chemical bonds that hold them together....

Our dominant western culture has repressed the formation of human "molecules" larger than two "atoms" — the equivalent of carbon monoxide or table salt. Now many people are rejecting those limitations and exploring the possibilities of combining three people, or four, or more. What are we in the process of evolving here? We cannot know, any more than a molecule of water or methane can anticipate a DNA molecule or a human body or human mind.

But something big is stirring — and we're all part of it.

Benson says that he intends the book to be an asset not only for polys themselves but for "professionals in all areas of counseling and psychotherapy, who must be able to respond effectively to clients and parishioners who come to them for advice with polyamory-related issues." I'm going to give a copy to my Unitarian-Universalist minister for him to keep with the other counseling guides in his office — partly to tweak him a little on his antsyness about the subject, but partly because the book really belongs there. If you're reading this blog, it belongs on your shelf too.

Benson self-published the book through AuthorHouse, which means it won't get any real marketing, publicity, or bookstore placement. It will have to find its audience by word of mouth. Benson seeks feedback for additions and improvements to the future editions that he hopes to produce; The Polyamory Handbook could thus become a living, growing document. Hopefully a serious publisher will spot its potential before then.

Read the table of contents and first few pages.

Here is Benson's press release and more about the book.


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2. Open: Love, Sex and Life in an Open Marriage by Jenny Block (276 pages, Seal Press, May 2008).

This book, by contrast, is an intimate, read-in-a-day personal memoir. Jenny Block tells how she grew up in suburban Dallas confused and conflicted about society's messages regarding sex and marriage, then found her way through college relationship romps, a period of Stepford Wife misery in a gated community, rocky affairs, a marriage crisis — and then a wonderfully successful open marriage. It's now a tight polyfi vee with her husband and her girlfriend. Whenever you begin to think the story is too much about her, she veers into cogent, insightful essays on love, marriage, expectations, and feminist independence, drawing on a wide variety of interesting sources.

Block projects confidence, authority, warmth, and zest. She's gotten knockout pieces into the Huffington Post, Tango magazine (where she just began a regular column), and other smart outlets. She has just set out on a readings-and-media tour. A literary agent has contacted her about movie rights. A subtext that she is deliberately projecting is that you don't have to be born weird to blaze new societal trails. Through pluck and hard work, you too can achieve happy weirditude even if you dress sharp and come from Dallas. This certainly makes her book a welcome addition to the poly canon. She'll be an especially good role model for women who haven't quite yet grasped that feminism is good for them.

A useful bit from her college days:

Having partnerships in which the parameters of both partners' expectations were clear from the get-go, with no question about what each person wanted, made for very fulfilling sex, regardless of emotional connection.... Hilda Hutchinson, an ob-gyn in New York City and a clinical professor at Columbia University, writes, "Sex is always better and more deeply satisfying when your motivation for doing so is simple and healthy."...

The message I got growing up had been that sex is only good when it happens in a relationship between two people who love each other. But what I discovered instead was that love, sex, and relationships — or any combination thereof — could be good or happy or successful when the participants' expectations were shared and understood.

You can read Chapter 1 online.

Here are her book blog and tour schedule. Watch how she handles a TV appearance.

Here's a pair of reviews in Library Journal.

Here's an interview with her in Richmond Magazine (she used to live in Richmond, Virginia.)


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3. Opening Up: A Guide to Creating and Sustaining Open Relationships by Tristan Taormino (371 pages, Cleis Press, May 2008).

This third book combines the best elements of the first two.

Tristan Taormino is another compelling feminist character, but wilder. She's X-rated, brassy, and brilliant, a sex educator, writer, and porn director ("I believe I can change the world one feminist porn video at a time") and is probably best known as the leading how-to expert on anal sex for women. This is the 33rd book that she has authored or edited, by my count on Amazon. Most are annual collections of lesbian erotica and how-to guides to non-vanilla sex practices.

Lest anyone be frightened off by this, in Opening Up Taormino carefully puts the raw stuff mostly aside to keep this a relationship guidebook. (In a recent interview, for instance, she directs people wanting polysexuality advice to The Threesome Handbook by Vicki Vantoch instead.)

And this is no quickie book, either. It is the longest and most substantial of the three reviewed here. (In fact, Taormino says it was originally 675 pages long and the publisher made her condense it down.)

From the introduction:

The first time I saw someone have sex right in front of me, I was mesmerized, awestruck, turned on. It was really cool. The 400th time, it's still cool, but it's different. I found myself less interested in the surface of what I was seeing — how he licks her, the noises she makes.... Instead, I was much more fascinated by who the people are. Are they a couple? How long have they been together? What made them decide to come to this sex event?... I want to know what the context is for what I am watching. I want to know about the inner workings of their relationship.

And no wonder. As I got to know these people, I discovered that their relationships were a lot more intriguing, complex, and transgressive than their sex lives.... In addition to sharp communication skills and a creative sense of identity, they all appeared to have one thing in common: they were all in nonmonogamous relationships. And they'd found a way to make those relationships work so well that they exuded an above-average level of sexual and emotional satisfaction.... So, I wondered, just how do they do it?

To get started, Taormino talked with about 120 people in all sorts of open-relationship configurations. She uses their stories and experiences to help illustrate numerous ways that hand-crafted setups among lovers succeed and fail. She covers a huge amount of ground in 20 chapters and 90 subsections: Poly history and myths, how to decide if it's for you, basics of what creates success, the many styles of open relationships, safer sex, the most common problems, jealousy, compersion, dealing with relationship changes and breakups, coming out, finding community, raising children in a poly family, legal issues, and thoughts on the future of relationships. There's a big, up-do-date appendix of poly websites, local poly groups nationally and worldwide, books, and other resources. The appendix is also available online.

A message that comes through is that there's not even one set of right ways to do this. Or of ways to screw up. As Taormina put it in a recent article in the Village Voice's Naked City blog:

Once you step out of the confines, expectations, and traditions of monogamy, it might as well be the Wild West. People are constructing relationships that are custom-built for them, and no two relationships are exactly the same. Even as I managed to name and define popular styles — partnered non-monogamy, swinging, polyamory, solo polyamory, polyfidelity, and mono/poly combos — within these categories is so much variation.

True, the poly community has evolved a lot of specific guidelines about what success usually requires. Most of these revolve around "CRT" (communication, trust, respect) and traits that earlier generations simply called "character": honesty, integrity, and a readiness to choose the difficult right over the easy wrong. But as Taormino's interviewees remind us, what's necessary is not sufficient — and sometimes not even necessary. Setups doomed to fail by conventional wisdom occasionally work fine, what with their particular people's quirks, tolerances, and needs.

Here's Taormino's website for the book.

Read David Hall's review of it in the Electronic Journal of Human Sexuality.

Violet Blue (sex writer, podcaster, and a Forbes magazine "Web Celeb") interviewed Taormino a few days ago for her San Francisco Chronicle column, “Open Source Sex” (May 29, 2008).

Watch Taormino in a TV interview on Red Light District Chicago, an internet and public-access TV show by and for prostitutes; Part 1, Part 2.



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MORE BOOKS COMING NEXT YEAR

Two additional, much-awaited polyamory guidebooks are in the pipeline to appear in 2009 or thereabouts.

The Ethical Slut, Second Edition, is long past due. The current edition dates from 1997, and even though it's showing its age (the poly world is way different and better organized now), it's reportedly selling better than it did when it first appeared. A year ago co-author Dossie Easton talked about the second edition on the Polyamory Weekly podcast, Episode #110:

At the time we first wrote it, polyamory was like this brand new word; this was very, very new in public discussion.... Once Slut was out there, we started hearing from a lot of people who weren't part of our personal community, particularly me as a therapist. I started getting families, couples, relationships, triads, quads, what have you... coming to work with me on whatever they were struggling with. And that was fabulous for me, because I got a chance to learn how a lot of different people deal with polyamory.

Both of us have been hearing from people for 10 years now.... One of the places that will be expanded [in the book] will be a lot of exercises and things you can try.... Some about talking about emotions and communications techniques, some are about constructive ways to deal with conflict; we're going expand that greatly.... There's a lot information we're going to add.

Meanwhile, Franklin Veaux (aka Tacit) is finally getting publishers interested in his much-awaited Practical Guide to Polyamory (tentative title). This'll be one to watch for. His huge polyamory website is probably the most-recommended and most linked-to poly resource on the internet. Veaux recently talked about what he intends for the book on Polyamory Weekly Episode #156:

I want to talk to a lot of people in the poly community, particularly people who have either made a lot of mistakes and figured out ways to solve those problems, or people who are in successful long-term poly relationships. [Interested? Email him at tacitr AT aol DOT com.]

The approach I want to take with this book is a lot more practical and a lot less theoretical than a lot of the other books I have seen... practical, hands-on advice, that is divorced from tantric sex or BDSM or any of the other subcultures. I want to talk for example about poly-mono relationships. We need a lot more about that.... Building polyfamilies, doing poly without primary-secondary hierarchies.... A lot of the books seem to be couple-centric, but a lot of poly relationships are not couple-centric.... There's very little about people who are coming into an existing relationship, or about creating an intentional family or a polyamorous tribe....

I'd really like to focus on practical problem-solving, practical day-to-day tools for dealing with communication — for constructing relationships that are healthy and functional.

Lots to look forward to.

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