On opposite end of Earth, "Is polyamory on the rise?"

In the last two weeks, while New Zealand was in world news for a very different reason, the country's public broadcaster put up three pieces about polyamory after none for two years. The first is a long feature article on Radio New Zealand's news site:

Is polyamory on the rise?

By Michael Hall

Interest in polyamorous lifestyles may go beyond mere titillation, says an Auckland intimacy counsellor, as more people express an openness to define their own sexuality and sexual behaviours outside of traditional norms.

(At last! A three-from-behind stock photo with hands expressing poly solidarity rather than behind-the-back cheating. Photo/123RF)

 
Angela Rennie, 43, has been offering specialist sex and intimacy counselling from her Mount Eden practice for the past seven years.

She says her anecdotal experience of talking to clients suggests traditional relationship paradigms are being challenged, revised and even replaced altogether, with more interest in polyamory, where more than one partner is in an intimate relationship with the consent of all involved.

"It is hard to know exact statistics, but many people feel freer to be open about their lifestyle choices in today's society," says Ms Rennie.

"Polyamorous relationships are not necessary less intense than monogamous relationships. These relationships can be very intense. I have seen many couples live this lifestyle in healthy ways, remaining deeply connected. However, just like monogamous relationships, many poly relationships don't work out."

...While hippie free love was part of a marginal counter-culture, forms of polyamory today could be more of an authentic expression of the zeitgeist.

Intimacy without exclusivity

In a technological society driven by desire to consume, to satiate appetites and an unbridled focus on the self, it would be reasonable to think these cultural influences would permeate through to the relationships we have and want to pursue. ... Entering into a marriage or a long-term monogamous relationship was, for those conditioned by the culture, a type of commodity exchange of equal or higher-value to one's own sense of individual value.

...But whereas those seeking monogamous commitment look for one person to fulfil this commodity exchange, for those practising a polyamorous lifestyle there is no need to make an all-encompassing choice of just one well-rounded person. Many commodities can fulfil many needs and expectations. ...

Intimacy counsellor Angela Rennie

[Says Rennie,] "It takes a lot of bravery to be willing to have both emotional and physical closeness with one person. It can make sense to separate these out in different people, it's a lot 'safer' and people can feel a lot less vulnerable."

Jay is a 33-year-old Aucklander who has been happily polyamorous for five years, since a painful ending to a monogamous relationship with a long-term girlfriend.

He expresses unease at describing himself as poly, due to behaviours of single men who feel the label gives them carte blache to do as they please, regardless of the feelings of others.

"I'm a single, straight guy, of which there are many in the community who label themselves as polyamorous when actually they just want an excuse to sleep with people without any emotional accountability. It seems a bit sleazy to me," he says.

[Says Rennie,] "I have had a client say: 'at least they won't cheat on me if they're allowed to see other people'. ... Unfortunately, betrayal happens in poly relationships as frequently as monogamous relationships."

Twenty-eight-year-old Aucklander Ravina has pursued polyamorous relationships since her teens and found it initially fraught with difficulties, until meeting her boyfriend 18 months ago.

"I have always been interested in polyamory, and unsuccessfully attempted it several times as teen and young adult, before discovering my current partner and working out how to get it right," he says.

"The big issue during my earlier years was that we were not confident enough in ourselves to overcome the societal and cultural expectations of monogamy." ... She says polyamory remains challenging at times, but in comparison to past experiences of monogamy, she is more at peace within herself. ...

Read on (March 28, 2019).

The other two pieces are from recent radio broadcasts on the network's program about sex and relationships:

● BANG! Season 3 Episode 4: Pretty Poly. Article and 50-minute podcast (March 25).

In this episode of BANG!, Melody Thomas speaks with people practicing polyamory, open relationships, swinging, and "relationship anarchy". Plus Auckland-based counsellor Dee Morgan and co-author of polyamory handbook The Ethical Slut Janet W. Hardy give their advice.

RNZ / Pinky Fang

...The private NZ Polyamory Facebook group has more than 1000 members, KiwiSwingers.co.nz claims to have more than 100,000 people signed up, and workshops and talks about how to open up your relationship are popping up around the country.

Anecdotally, people who have been part of ethically non-monogamous communities for decades report that practitioners are a more diverse bunch than ever before.

Janet W. Hardy, author of polyamory bible The Ethical Slut, says, “The nature of our audiences has changed… in the old days it was mostly Renaissance Fair geeks and old hippies and other people who were on the fringes, and these days it’s everybody.”

Rosie Morrison, 27, grew up in Timaru. She first heard about polyamory when she moved to Wellington and met a bunch of people who were doing relationships differently.

“At the start I think I was pretty taken aback like, ‘whoa that’s radical!’ She says. “By the end I was like, ‘I want in! That sounds awesome.’ ”

...Rosie is what’s referred to affectionately in the community as a “baby poly” -- someone who’s just starting out on the polyamorous path. Some more experienced polyamorous people will actively avoid getting into relationships with baby polys because the learning curve is so steep (others don’t mind).

Dee Morgan runs QPK counselling in Auckland, and specialises in supporting “queer, polyamorous and kinky folk”. Dee prefers the term “consensual non-monogamy” over “ethical non-monogamy” as ethics are subjective. She’s practiced polyamory herself for 16 years, and has lots of practical advice for baby polys. ...

[Says Morgan], ...“And it can take quite a lot of time for the headspace to shift and for them to go ‘Oh! This means they can fall in love with someone and choose to stay’.”

“Ultimately, if they’re in a relationship, everyone chooses every day to stay in that relationship, but we don’t tend to think about that when that’s the only partner. When you’re polyamorous I think there’s an increased awareness that yeah, my partners are with me because they choose to be with me.”

● BANG! The Prehistoric Origins of Modern Sexuality. Article and 30-minute podcast (March 20):

Here’s the story we’ve been told:

For as long as humans have existed, men and women have made a trade. He offers her protection, food, shelter and status, and in return she promises to be his “one and only”, so he can be sure of his paternity when it comes to her children.

They enter into this bargain despite conflicting biological agendas. Because sperm is metabolically inexpensive, it’s in his best interest to spread his seed as far and wide as possible. Because she’s facing a long pregnancy, plus breastfeeding and a couple of years with a toddler -- it’s in her best interest to lock him in. ...

Christopher Ryan

In Sex At Dawn: The Prehistoric Origins of Modern Sexuality, co-authors Christopher Ryan and Cacilda Jethá take this story, which they refer to as the “standard narrative of human sexual evolution” and flip it on its head.

Analysing decades of research from the fields of primatology, anthropology, evolutionary psychology and biology, Ryan and Jethá build a picture of human sexual evolution in which “sexual exclusivity was not really part of our ancestor’s expectations around relationships.”

Basically -- our ancestors were much more sexually promiscuous than the ‘standard narrative’ has given them credit for, and this appetite for sexual variety, sharing sexual partners in much the same way as other resources were shared, served both to ensure genetically healthy offspring and to reinforce group bonds at a time when social cohesion was incredibly important.

This is how it works for bonobos....

...So if monogamy isn’t natural to us, when did the concept enter into human existence?

Ryan reiterates the thinking put forward [by] Friedrich Engels in the late 1800s and others before him, that monogamy is an artefact of the agricultural revolution. ...

Polyamory and other models of “ethical non-monogamy” are currently experiencing a boom in popularity.... But, according to Chris and Cacilda, just because monogamy isn’t “natural” to us doesn’t mean we shouldn’t try -- if that’s what we want.

“Monogamy is like vegetarianism, clearly it’s not the natural behaviour of our species. Our species is omnivorous… But that doesn’t mean that vegetarianism is wrong… All we’re saying is, approach this from a position where you’re informed....

● That previous Radio NZ story two years ago was Diana Adams -- family law for nontraditional families (20 minutes. Feb. 7, 2017).

And while we're at it, in Kiwi newspapers in the last few years:

● Polyamory and the complicated lives of those with multiple lovers (Sept. 17, 2017)

When polyamorous people tell you their way of life is not for the faint-hearted, they're not flipping kidding.

"Yes, we're all a bit nuts," *Samantha, 35, says of her own complicated but contented domestic life with a girlfriend who also has a boyfriend.

"We have some basic tenets that we live by. Don't be a dick is one of them. This means that if any of us chooses to engage in physical activity with a person outside the group, or decides to pursue a relationship outside the current structure, we do so with the greatest possible respect for everyone else and their feelings." ...

● Three isn't a crowd as polyamory gets popular (Aug. 30, 2016)

There's another sexual revolution coming, a hip new bedroom trend the early adopters are just loving. ...

● Do polyamorous relationships actually make for a better life? (June 12, 2015)

..."I think nonmonogamy frees you, definitely," writes a polyamorous woman from Melbourne I met on a discussion board the other month while searching for a source on the subject.

"But at the outset, I think it's important to understand that CNM (consensual nonmonogamy) exists on a continuum. ...

● Laurie Penny: 'I've been polyamorous for nearly a decade. Here's how I make it work' (Oct. 15, 2017)

When I told my magazine editor that I wanted to write about polyamory, she adjusted her monocle, puffed on her pipe and said, "In my day, young lady, we just called it 'shagging around'."

So I consider it my duty to her and the rest of the unenlightened to explain what it is that's different about how the kids are doing it these days.

...What's new is talking about it like grown-ups. It's the conversations. It's the texts with your girlfriend's boyfriend about what to get her for her birthday. It's sharing your Google calendars to make sure nobody feels neglected. ... Far more of my polyamorous life involves making tea and talking sensibly about boundaries, safe sex and whose turn it is to do the washing-up. ...

● An agony aunt offers straight advice: Mrs Salisbury: I have a boyfriend but want a girlfriend too (May 9, 2018)

...Polyamory requires complete openness, excellent communication skills and the maturity to cope with the jealousy and fears that may arise. A contract is negotiated between all parties; there is no room for secrecy between the adults involved.

...There are various forms of poly relationships that you two could try. Sometimes a couple decide theirs is the primary relationship but each will be free to pursue additional relationships individually.... Sometimes a triad is formed, with three people in committed relationship or with one deeply involved with each of the other two but they not choosing to relate with each other. Sometimes four or more people form a close relationship system with agreement on whether each will be sexually exclusive to the group or not.

If these sound complex that's because they are. Making any relationship of two people successful takes a lot of work; that work is multiplied by involving others.

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On NPR, "The New Sexual Revolution: Polyamory On The Rise"

It's been 10 years since Newsweek (then a major magazine) published a game-changing article calling polyamory "America's Next Romantic Revolution." Other media and commentators kept citing that article for years afterward. Now a headline like that passes without surprise.

Many National Public Radio stations aired an excellent 35-minute discussion of polyamory this week titled The New Sexual Revolution: Polyamory On The Rise. It was produced by WAMU for its talk show "1A" (think "First Amendment"), which is syndicated to other NPR stations; it replaced the immensely popular Diane Rehm show after she retired two years ago. Thanks to friends who were listening on Monday and told me about the topic.

The show's first half features Janet Hardy (co-author of The Ethical Slut) and sociologist Dr. Eli Sheff (The Polyamorists Next Door) talking with host Joshua Johnson. Halfway through they're joined by Ron Young, founder of Black & Poly ("Love. Family. Community."), and Crystal Farmer, editor of Black & Poly's website and online magazine. The host is intelligent and interested, and the guests were well chosen for insight and experience.

And here's a shout-out to those who sent the texts and emails about their poly lives that Johnson read on the air.

It's is 35 minutes long. You can listen here:

Or download it as an MP3 podcast.

From the show's webpage:

The New Sexual Revolution: Polyamory On The Rise

...For many people, “partner” need not be a singular idea. Polyamory, or ethical non-monogamy, “can involve any number of people, either cohabiting or not, sometimes all having sex with each other, and sometimes just in couples within the larger group,” The Atlantic reports.

And it might be more common than you think.

From Quartz:

What research there is suggests otherwise: a survey of some 8,700 US single adults in 2017 found that more than one in five engaged in consensual non-monogamy at some point in their lives, while in a 2014 survey 4%-5% of Americans reported currently being polyamorous.

Here’s what one poly woman told The Chicago Tribune:

“Polyamory isn’t for everybody and that’s OK,” said Topaz Steele, a Chicago native who has identified as poly for about 10 years. “I’m not here to say that everyone should try to be nonmonogamous or that everyone is capable of loving people in this way. I do know that being polyamorous works for me and my lifestyle and I wouldn’t push anyone to do it just because.”

Steele spent last Valentine’s Day out on a date with her two boyfriends. While out, the trio grabbed a bite to eat and spent time discussing their favorite videos games and anime shows. Throughout the date, she casually made a point to hold both of her boyfriends’ hands, either separately or at the same time. She said she couldn’t care less what people think of seeing the three of them out together on a date.

We’re breaking down how ethical non-monogamy works and the stigma some associate with having multiple partners.

...Guests:

Janet W. Hardy, Co-author, The Ethical Slut; @janetwhardyr

Elisabeth Sheff, Sociologist and relationship consultant; author, The Polyamorists Next Door: Inside Multiple Partner Relationships and Families; @DrEliSheff

Ron Young, Founder, Black and Poly

Crystal Farmer, Editor, Black and Poly Magazine; @crystalbfarmer

The original (Feb. 18, 2019).

● Also, on NPR's website two years ago: text article A Cultural Moment for Polyamory by Barbara J. King (March 23, 2017). That too came from WAMU.

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New, third edition of The Ethical Slut coming out in two weeks

A classic of the polyamory literature is being reissued in a new, modern edition for 2017.

The Ethical Slut, first published in 1997, introduced poly relationships to audiences far beyond the movement's New Age and Pagan wellsprings — although the word "polyamory" barely appeared in it. Authors Dossie Easton and Janet Hardy (as "Catherine A. Liszt") gathered up much poly and sex-positive wisdom, won by many people's hard experience, and the book helped to establish much of this as standard poly doctrine. But it spoke mostly to people of the "independent agent" variety, who might now call themselves solopoly.

The first edition read like a romp and became a runaway word-of-mouth hit. Enough so that in 2009, Random House took it on and reissued it through Ten Speed Press in a second edition, revised and expanded 35% by the authors, with the new subtitle "A Practical Guide to Polyamory, Open Relationships & Other Adventures." To me, the second edition seemed to have a toned-down style for a wider audience. It also, for the first time, spoke directly to established couples seeking to open up. By that time these had become the most abundant form of poly newbies.

Now comes The Ethical Slut, Third Edition: A Practical Guide to Polyamory, Open Relationships, and Other Freedoms in Sex and Love, with authors Janet Hardy and Dossie Easton now listed in reverse order. It will be available August 15th (I haven't seen it yet). The publisher's description on Amazon says it has been redone to align with today's hot concerns:

For 20 years The Ethical Slut has dispelled myths and showed curious readers how to maintain a successful polyamorous lifestyle through open communication, emotional honesty, and safer sex practices. The third edition of this timeless guide to communication and sex has been revised to include interviews with poly millennials (young people who have grown up without the prejudices their elders encountered regarding gender, orientation, sexuality, and relationships), tributes to poly pioneers, and new sidebars on topics such as asexuality, sex workers, and ways polys can connect and thrive. The authors also include new content addressing nontraditional relationships beyond the polyamorous paradigm of "more than two": couples who don't live together, couples who don't have sex with each other, nonparallel arrangements, couples with widely divergent sex styles, power disparities, and cross-orientation relationships, while utilizing nonbinary gender language and new terms that have come into common usage since the last edition.

Franklin Veaux, co-author of the competing guidebook More Than Two, praises the new edition to the skies in a blurb:

“The Ethical Slut is a classic, a book that helped launch the modern non-monogamy movement. Updating a book of such historical significance is no easy task, but The Ethical Slut, Third Edition succeeds beautifully. Where the original broke radical new ground, this edition is more nuanced, a book for a more complex age. In the third edition, we see the wide variety of forms ethical non-monogamy, and indeed human sexual relationships, can take. This new version brings a new focus on consent, talks about the many wonderful and varied ways ethical non-monogamy happens, and shows an appreciation for the vast range of human sexuality. This is The Ethical Slut for a new era, and cements the book’s place as one of the cornerstones of modern non-monogamous thought.”

—Franklin Veaux, More Than Two: A practical guide to ethical polyamory

Here's a 7-minute audio excerpt from Janet Hardy's "The Ethical Slut Then and Now," a workshop she presented in June at the Festival of Really Good Sex in Melbourne, Australia.



You can pre-order.

Update August 15: The Multiamory podcast, by Dedeker Winston, Jase Lindgren, and Emily Matlack, interviews Hardy (Episode 132, August 15, 2017).

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Janet Hardy of *The Ethical Slut* in TV, radio interviews

Janet Hardy, perhaps best known as co-author of The Ethical Slut (originally under the pseudonym Catherine A. Liszt), is wrapping up a tour of Australia. Here she talks polyamory on Australia's public-TV broadcast network, ABC (the embattled Australian Broadcasting Corporation). She gets a full 8 minutes to do some good Poly 101 for television viewers. Watch here (I can't find a way to embed the video). (Jan. 30, 2015.)

She also did a 23-minute radio interview on the network's radio branch. The blurb:

Janet Hardy is a provocative American sex educator who challenges all our assumptions about sex, gender and what happens between the sheets. She’s in Australia for the Sydney Festival of Really Good Sex. Janet is the author of eleven books about relationships and sexuality.

Listen/ download audio, 23 minutes (Jan. 28, 2015).

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