Nico Tortorella is developing a TV show around polyfolks

Bethany Meyers (left) and Nico Tortorella camp it up at Love Ball III in June. (Jamie McCarthy/Getty)

 
Actor Nico Tortorella and partner Bethany Meyers are vocal exemplars of gender fluidity, bi acceptance, and polyamory, as described here in 2017 and when they got unconventionally married in 2018.

Now Nico is out with a memoir: Space Between: Explorations of Love, Sex, and Fluidity. The book occasioned an interview yesterday in Nico's hometown Chicago Tribune. Toward the end comes this:

Q: You point out that there’s not a lot of storytelling about polyamorous relationships in TV and film.

A: I think we’re still sex obsessed as a culture. And I think we’re all pretty confused on what sex means and why we do the things we do. And we’re not at polyamory yet in terms of mainstream conversation and culture. But I think it’s coming. It’s the next wave, for sure.

Q: It seems like being able to see what that is, through a TV show or movie, would be invaluable for people who have a hard time conceiving what it looks like.

A: Which is why it was so important for me to the write the book.

And I’m in early stages of development for the TV show right now.

Q: A show about polyamorous relationships?

A: Yeah, it’s going to be roughly based off the book and the characters, but not me and Bethany.

The whole article (September 18, 2019).

We're staying tuned.


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● Also up today: A nice little Poly 101 explanation What is Polyamory? in Happiful, "the magazine devoted to mental health," a print magazine in the UK as well as online (Sept. 19)

Not sure if there’s one person out there for you? Got a lot of love to give? We take a closer look at the non-monogamous approach to relationships

...Mental health blogger Lindsay Hughes tells us about her own experience: “I became aware of polyamory via someone on social media. The set-up she has with her partner seemed to work well for them, and it was refreshing to see a non-conventional relationship where both partners were supported, and seemed to flourish with each other as well as others.”

Lindsay and her partner of five years started discussing polyamory at the start of this year. “It’s working for us at the moment. It would be difficult to disengage from it now we’ve started, but if, in the future, it no longer suits us, then we would transition back to monogamy, or inactive polyamory.” ...

What are the downsides?

Taking an approach that’s outside of social norms doesn’t come without its challenges. According to counsellor Alex Sanderson-Shortt, dealing with other people’s opinions can be tricky to negotiate.

“Decisions need to be made about who knows what about your relationship. Living with these kinds of secrets can be stressful for people, and affect relationships.”

Jealousy is another issue that can come up. ...

What are the benefits of polyamory?

...Lindsay notes: “It’s not that my partner and I don’t meet each others’ needs, but you don’t necessarily share everything with one person. I think that relying on one person to meet all your needs may not always be the best idea.”

She also says her confidence has been boosted by meeting others. “My partner and I are both quite anxious, so it hasn’t always been easy, but there’s something lovely about meeting someone completely new and developing a relationship.”

For Lindsay, it’s this meeting new people, and the self-awareness polyamory facilitates, that helped her tackle her social anxieties, and made her more resilient.

If you’re thinking of trying polyamory…

Counsellor Alex reiterates that communication is key. “Managing any form of consensual non-monogamy needs communication. There needs to be resilience and a support network, as it is still considered odd by many. It can be a really positive experience, and should be celebrated as such when everyone feels they have a fully-consensual experience within the relationship.”

...Stepping outside of societal norms can feel daunting, but for many it’s also liberating. Our advice? Educate yourself on your options, keep communicating, and find a way of loving others that feels good to all involved.

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About that "Girl Code" poly twitter fight in the news

A celebrity poly breakup is trending in the celebrity news. Here's a summary, with the incisive poly-aware perspective that it needs, in the UK's The Independent.

Here's the real problem with Bella Thorne and Tana Mongeau's 'girl code' Twitter fight

By Sirena Bergman

You may have thought that when one is in a polyamorous, bisexual relationship which began on Twitter and has since been followed by millions on Instagram Stories and YouTube vlogs, all conventions would fly out of the window.

But it seems that even among the most unorthodox of relationships, pointless traditional norms persist. In a tweet yesterday, actor, writer and influencer Bella Thorne told her followers that she was “no longer good” with her ex-girlfriend, YouTuber Tana Mongeau, after she “broke girl code”. This is presumably a reference to Mongeau being photographed leaving a restaurant with rapper Mod Sun – who was also in a relationship with Thorne until earlier this year.

Thorne did not call out Mod Sun for having dinner with her ex – she came straight for the woman, invoking archaic ideas around gender and loyalty. For someone who presents so progressive, who vocally challenges presumptions and stereotypes ... Thorne’s tweet (which has since gone viral) seems counterproductive and unhelpful.

The dynamics of the relationship are important here – people are referring to the three as a thruple, but according to what all parties have discussed, this seems inaccurate. Thorne was in what appears to be a primary open relationship with Mod Sun, while simultaneously dating Mongeau. The three of them were not – as some have inaccurately stated – in a three-way relationship. Mongeau and Mod Sun are not exes; from what we know they are simply two people who have an ex in common. So the differences in the ways they are both publicly treated by Thorne matters. ...

...By using the phrase “girl code”, a gendered term which evokes images of female friends braiding each other’s hair while talking about boys, Thorne has inadvertently validated the attitude that her relationship with Mongeau cannot compare to the inherent legitimacy of the one she had with a man, who was no where to be found on her Twitter timeline.

There is a persistent narrative that women's moral value is attached to the way they act in relation to men. ...

The idea that they are still adhering to the absurd concept of “girl code”, which blames women for their involvement in a male-female interaction while implying men’s actions are beyond reprehension, should be worrying to anyone who cares about challenging these perceptions.

...Young women are starved for cultural icons who proudly renounce expectations that society continues to force upon us. We need more people like Thorne and Mongeau who don’t feel the need to clearly define their sexuality – this freedom is crucial in advancing LGBT+ (emphasis on the “plus”) rights. Neither do they seem shackled by the oppressive nature of traditional relationships. Polyamory is certainly not for everyone, but the acceptance of it as a legitimate romantic structure is crucial for women’s rights, which remain subjugated by our reverence for heteronormative marriages, “nuclear families” and other persistent patriarchal constructs.

Thorne may well be frustrated at Mongeau’s actions and she is within her rights to say so, but I cannot help but be disappointed in her choice of words, which has to some extent undone her reputation – at least in my mind – as a true pioneer of progressive feminism.

This public spat about a non-existent “girl code” puts further undue pressure on women to act based on outdated notions of femininity. Let's hope it does not denigrate the importance of Thorne and Mongeau’s matter-of-fact, transparent attitude towards their own sexualities, which should be looked back upon as a pivotal moment for social change when it comes to young women in the public eye.

The original (July 19, 2019), with a short video.

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Brazilian soccer star Ronaldinho to "marry" two women in private ceremony

Several of you sent me this news item that's stirring up world soccer fans. From the version in the New York Daily News:

Brazilian soccer star Ronaldinho to marry two women in private ceremony

By Megan Cerullo

I, Ronaldinho, take you both to be my wives.

Brazilian soccer legend Ronaldinho Gaúcho will "wed" his two fiancées in a private ceremony in August, Rio de Janeiro newspaper O Dia reports.

Polygamy and bigamy are illegal and punishable by up to six years in prison in Brazil, so the union won't constitute a legal marriage.

Ronaldinho began dating Priscilla Coelho between 2012 and 2014, while he was playing for Atletico Mineiro, according to local media reports. He met Beatriz Souza in 2016 and began dating her as well.

The lovers have reportedly lived happily together in Ronaldinho's Rio de Janeiro mansion since December.

The threesome will "marry" in a small ceremony at their home.

Ronaldinho will likely establish a private contract that creates a set of rules for the family he forms with the women, according to Brazilian lawyer Michelle Viana.

The contract could cover financial responsibilities and repercussions should the civil union come to an end, she said. ...

--------------------

Brazil is in the process of reviewing its marriage laws — a National Council of Justice hearing on polyamorous unions was postponed Tuesday. So far, four council members have stated their opposition to legalizing the unions, while two voiced their support. Five council members have not yet cast their votes.

"Brazilian law is changing to adjust to society, but it might not be ready to accept polygamy," said Sergio Botinha, an international family lawyer based in Brazil.

In 2012, county clerk Claudia do Nascimento Domingues approved the first civil union between a man and two women.... Three years later, three women entered into a civil union, approved by another county clerk in Brazil. But the validity of those unions is up for debate. ...

The article (May 25, 2018). Scan down this list for news coverage of previous poly civil unions officialized in Brazil.

In reaction to the furor, Ronaldino insists that an actual group marriage (which would be illegal) is not happening. "It's the biggest lie," he says. Even so, according to other reports, the ceremony, planned for August, will include exchanges of rings.

Sports Illustrated says,

All three people live together in Ronaldinho's [palatial] Rio condominium. A small [ceremony] will be held in Ronaldinho's home, though his sister, who does not agree with his lifestyle, says she will not attend, O Dia reports.

From O Dia, one paragraph long: Ronaldinho Gaúcho vai se casar com suas duas mulheres (Ronaldinho Gaucho will marry his two women) (May 24).

Earlier, on March 29, the paper wrote ‘Poliamor’ pode colocar em risco pretensões políticas de ex-jogador Ronaldinho Gaúcho ('Polyamory' Could Endanger Political Hopes of Ronaldinho Gaúcho). The three have often been seen out and around together.

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Baaad poly in the news: 50 Cent sued for posting revenge porn after friend's girlfriend declined polyamory

This is becoming hot in celebrity and #MeToo news. In TMZ:

'Love & Hip Hop' star Teairra Mari made good on her tearful vow to sue her ex-boyfriend and 50 Cent for posting her sexually explicit video and photos.

In the suit, Teairra says her ex, Akbar Abdul-Ahad logged into her Instagram account and posted the video, which included an image of Teairra with ejaculate all over her face. She believes Akbar was getting back at her because she didn't want to be in a polyamorous relationship, as he had suggested.

Teairra says that's why she broke up with him earlier this month, and shortly afterward he informed her his phone had been stolen. In docs, obtained by TMZ, she says that was the moment she knew he was planning to post their sex videos.

Teairra says she deleted the IG post as soon as she saw it, but that's when 50 Cent got involved. According to the suit, the rapper posted the ejaculate screen grab in black and white, in order to highlight the fluid on her face. She points out 50 has 18 million followers....

Teairra adds, Fiddy [50] has a bad track record ... pointing out he already had to fork out $7 million to a Rick Ross baby mama for posting a sex tape clip of her.

Teairra says it's a brazen attempt to "slut shame" her that's causing her "significant long term emotional injuries, requiring psychiatric services." She's suing both men for revenge porn, invasion of her privacy and emotional distress.

The article (May 17, 2018).


● The Blast:

...Marí says Abdul-Ahad was upset because she claims he was trying to develop a polyamorous relationship, and a reality show highlighting that polyamorous lifestyle, but she wanted no part.

Marí says after she removed the video and photo that Abdul-Ahad had posted, his friend 50 Cent posted the material on his own page. She says 50 even applied a “black and white” filter to highlight the color contrast of semen on Marí’s face. He captioned the photo “get the strap,” to which the reality star claims was a possible reference to encourage his fans to harm her.

Whole article (May 17).


● USA Today:

...“[Abdul-Ahad] had my Instagram password, so he posted them on my Instagram to make me look terrible,” she said at the press conference.

...Bloom, who represents high-profile clients including Blac Chyna and Kathy Griffin, revealed that she planned to file both a police report and also a lawsuit against both Abdul-Ahad and the rapper that same day.

“Apparently, 50 Cent’s misogyny and ego is so inflated that he still needs to be schooled that the law applies to him, just like everyone else,” she added at the press conference.

In response to the controversy, the rapper, 42, has been posting a series of joke images to his Instagram. ...

Whole article (May 17). Many more.

● Akbar Abdul-Ahad says he wasn't the one who posted the tape and will countersue her for defamation.

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Nico Tortorella and Bethany Meyers, poly TV-star couple, back in the news as they marry

When a celebrity makes news as "polyamorous," you never know what you're gonna get — often a cringe-y misuse of the word. But two who use it accurately are TV star Nico Tortorella (of the Younger series) and life partner Bethany Meyers. They're excellent public representatives of the primary-secondary version of poly — or if you don't like hierarchical language, "anchor and satellites."

Here's more since my post about the two last summer, when they made the cover of The Advocate.

● They're in the news right now for announcing that after 12 years, they just got married. They've published the story of the wedding and their lives leading up to it in the online queer magazine them: Inside Nico Tortorella and Bethany Meyers' Private, Epic Wedding (March 17, 2018).

After crowning each other at the courthouse. (Victoria Matthews photo)

They alternate narrating. Here's from Bethany early in the piece:

If you had to label it, Nico and I are in a queer polyamorous relationship. Labels that help people understand, but not labels that define us. Most think we planned this and one day decided we would be multiple-love kind of people. We didn’t. It’s just the way our relationship developed over 12 years. We became polyamorous without ever really trying, and we let each other go so often; I guess we finally realized it’s the reason we are impenetrable. It’s hard to break something that bends.

As written up in People: Younger’s Nico Tortorella Got Married 'for Real' to Partner in Matching 'Genderblending Ensembles' (March 17)

...While Tortorella and Meyers don’t seek to put labels on themselves or each other, they added that they understand the world’s need for [labels].

“I can be emotionally, physically attracted to men,” he continued. “I can be emotionally, physically attracted to women. The ‘B’ in LGBTQ-plus has been fought for, for so long. I’m not going to be the person that’s like, ‘No, I need a ‘P,’ I need another letter!’ I stand by people that have paved this way for somebody like me.”

● In Women's Health, Bethany goes into greater depth: ‘I’m In A Polyamorous Relationship — Here’s How It Works’ (online March 12):

I’ve been in a polyamorous relationship for almost 12 years, but my partner, Nico, and I didn’t always call it that. In fact, we adopted the "poly" label more as a way to help others understand our relationship, but we just view each other as partners.

We met in college. I was drawn to him because he was one of the first people who challenged the ultra-conservative beliefs I had grown up with, in a noninvasive way. He introduced me to things I now love, like yoga, and there was an instant connection. But our relationship has always been really unique.

...We love each other and are family, but we both believe in letting the other live the life that makes them happy. We realized pretty early that we can’t satisfy each other’s every need, especially when we were living so far away from each other. So we got really honest about dating other people and letting those people into each other’s lives.

That’s just progressed over the last 12 years, so it’s funny to now be putting a polyamorous label on it, when we didn’t have a big conversation about entering into a poly relationship. It’s just what worked for us and it’s where we’ve landed.

But that’s not to say it’s been easy. Nico and I have to operate with full transparency. No Saran Wrap, nothing. I’ve learned that when people find out about things after the fact, it’s incredibly hurtful. But if you’re up front about new partners, you can work through those emotions.

So when I’m going to a party to meet people, Nico knows about that. It’s not a secret. And it’s not a secret to anyone I meet there that I’m with Nico. I would never take someone home unless Nico and I had talked about it first.

Yes, jealousy happens — it’s a human emotion, and we all have that desire to be number one. I’ve found that being really honest about what’s going on in our lives helps combat that.

It’s also important to understand each other’s boundaries. Nico and I have been together for so long that we just get it, and we don’t have to check in with each other about those things a lot. But I dated another woman who was super monogamy-oriented, and I’m not, and we had to set up boundaries that worked for us. We had a zip code rule — we couldn’t date anyone else in the New York area, and that was hard for me. We were never able to find a sweet spot with the boundaries that worked for both of us, and that’s why it didn't last.

[The Most Common Misconceptions About Polyamory]

That’s one of the hardest parts of being polyamorous — finding the right people. There are a lot of people who think they can do this, and then emotions get involved and they can’t. You have to find people who are really in touch with themselves and how they feel.

When I meet someone I’m into, I try to be really upfront but casual at the same time. I’m not exactly yelling, “I’m poly! Wanna be my second girlfriend? It’ll be great!” That’s a lot. But I try to talk about my relationship as realistically as possible. I talk about Nico the way he is. He’s a great person; Nico is an addition to the team, not a subtraction from the team. He’s a support person for me, so it actually is a very positive place to be in.

The label is the scariest thing. People hear “polyamorous” and they think it’s people having sex like crazy and that’s just not how it is.

For Nico and I, the benefits far outweigh the challenges. I feel safe in our relationship. In monogamy, there’s often this fear of “But what if they leave me?” With polyamory, that fear is gone because no one needs to cheat or lie, and we’ve built this place of trust where we can really talk about what’s working and what’s not working. And that feels like a better place for me. Being poly allows us to be authentic and explore what makes us happy in our lives in a way I didn’t feel like I could in monogamous relationships.

Being open about our relationship has been hard on some people in our lives (my family didn't welcome us at our holiday celebrations this year), but mostly, the feedback we’ve gotten has been amazing. ...

We feel like it’s important to talk about it and normalize it, especially because we look like a straight couple in a photo, and we don’t identify with that at all. Being able to sort of get away with that when we’re walking down the street or traveling gives us privileges that most queer people don’t have, but it’s also important to show that being poly and queer can look a lot of different ways.

● Also in Women's Health: This Polyamorous Actor Just Gave A Glimpse Into What Life With Multiple Partners Is Like (Nov. 14, 2017).

Family dynamics are tough and it’s pretty much a given that your family is never going to get you 100 percent. That said, you'd hope that they’d support you most of the time...especially around the holidays.

Unfortunately, Younger actor Nico Tortorella and his partner of 11 years, fitness and wellness entrepreneur Bethany Meyers, say their decision to be open about being polyamorous makes them unwelcome with her family this holiday season.

“Honestly, it’s kind of a sensitive topic right this second,” Nico told People at an event on Monday. “Because of all the attention that the relationship has gotten recently, we are coming up to the holiday season and because of certain things that were said, Bethany and I are not necessarily, completely welcome in her family celebrations this year.”

In July, Nico and Bethany opened up about their sexuality to The Advocate. Nico said at the time that he identifies as pansexual (meaning he’s attracted to everyone regardless of their gender identity or sex) while Bethany identifies as gay.

The couple also opened up about dating other people — Bethany said she’s happy to have casual sex, while Nico prefers to be in love first. “For me, sex is such an explosive exchange of energy between two people that if you’re not connected, energetically, before you have sex, it can be damaging,” he said. (He also added that he has no issues with casual sex — it's just not for him.)

And criticism from family aside, navigating how to best navigate their 11-year relationship hasn't been simple: “I think we’re raised with this idea that you’re supposed to go and find ‘the one,’ especially women,” Bethany said during Nico's podcast, The Love Bomb. “You’re looking for your Prince Charming. You need to be proposed to. There’s this one person you’re searching to find, so the idea of finding a stability partner, and having other things on top of that, feels too messy.”

Still, neither Bethany nor Nico regrets being open about their polyamorous relationship. “It just means we have to talk about it more. There are millions of people in non-traditional relationships that get cut off from their families every single day and it’s not okay,” Nico told People. ...

● That earlier People story: Nico Tortorella Defends Being a Polyamorist (Sept. 13, 2017).

“I’m not in an open relationship so I can go out and just f— whoever I want,” Tortotella explains in the Bravo clip. “For me, it’s more about the ability to emotionally connect with people outside of my primary partner.”

● The Bravo clip, ending with a snappy comeback:

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Thanks, folks! Mayim Bialik admits her errors about poly and open relationships

Actress Mayim Bialik is best known as the nerdy Amy Fowler on "The Big Bang Theory," one of the most-watched shows on television. Bialik runs a site called GrokNation where she expounds on various, often geeky topics. Back on June 4th she posted this video about open relationships and why she thought they couldn't work:



Summary: They can't work because she can't imagine it, and because pop-anthropology theories. So real-world observations of, well, us, don't matter. This while Bialik claims to think like a scientist.

You gave her quite an earful! One example, from Matthew Facciani (who's not poly): Three Reasons Why Mayim Bialik’s Video About Open Relationships Is Terrible

The video is a bit hard to follow because her points are all over the place, but she first starts arguing that ... because men continuously produce sperm, they are wired to have sex continuously. Conversely, women have to be more selective with their partners because they have one egg. ... To make all this worse, she tries to justify her argument by stating she is a scientist, but cites exactly zero scientific studies.

...Polyamory isn’t just about sex anyway. Ask any polyamorous person and they’ll tell you. Also, open relationships do not always mean someone is polyamorous, but she conflates the two terms....

Cunning Minx of Polyamory Weekly took it apart in her Episode 521: Responding to Mayim Bialik (June 19). She lists six naive fallacies that Bialik blunders into, such as, "4. If a lifestyle wouldn’t work for me, it couldn’t possibly work for anyone else."

And Joreth Innkeeper:

Please sit down and shut up. You're making educated white women look bad. Your biology is outdated, your sex and gender essentialism is outdated, your anthropology is outdated, your psychology is outdated, and your sex education is way outdated.

AND you make the same mistake as so many others before you of believing that, assuming even all your so-called "facts" were completely true, that humans stopped evolving millions of years ago around the point at which we split from apes and that our brains aren't incredibly plastic and highly susceptible to non-genetic influences like culture and higher-order thinking.

You're just so wrong on so many points that it would take me forever to correct you on each one. You're not just wrong, you're fractally wrong. Every single thing you said was wrong. ...

Bialik heard from so many people that she did something remarkable these days: She admitted that she was wrong. Rather thoroughly, and she quoted some of you. This video (Sept. 14) has had 644,000 views, compared to 374,000 for the older original.



This kerfuffle was recently overshadowed by a bigger one, when Bialik wrote an op-ed for the New York Times remarking that she escaped harassment in Hollywood because she looks plain by Hollywood standards and dresses and acts modestly. She took shit for inadvertent victim blaming, apologized poorly, then apologized a second time better.

She also seems to have come around, I think, regarding her embarrassing past as an anti-vaxxer.

So, here's some respect for a rare public figure who's willing to correct high-profile errors made in public. (But it might be better to get stuff right the first time.)

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Amanda Palmer on her open marriage with Neil Gaiman, now.

Photo by Kyle Cassidy

I've fantasized about Amanda Palmer showing up at one of the national poly conventions, such as Poly Living or Atlanta Poly Weekend or Beyond the Love. Widely known as Amanda Fucking Palmer, she's an outspoken performer and singer (The Dresden Dolls, Evelyn Evelyn) and has been upfront about her open marriage with her husband, science-fantasy author/screenwriter Neil Gaiman. They are geek royalty and, whether they like it or not, have been a poster couple for open marriages.

Five years ago Palmer told Out.com,

I've never been comfortable in a monogamous relationship in my life. I feel like I was built for open relationships just because of the way I function. It's not a reactive decision like, 'Hey I'm on the road, you're on the road, let's just find other people.' It was a fundamental building block of our relationship. We both like things this way.

...The open-ness is grounded in total honesty with one another. We're very communicative with each other and we share everything. I think that's the way you gotta do it. I can't speak for anyone but myself, and there are a million ways to love and be in a relationship. But fundamentally, I think if you're going to have a really, truly loving partnership, you have to be completely transparent, communicating and sharing everything. Neil and I fall more and more in love with each other every day, and I think part of that is because we encourage each other to say more, share more, to peel ourselves open to each other in the middle of the night when the day is done and the real talking happens. It's not always easy, the peeling sometimes hurts, but the deep love it fosters is clear to see.

In 2013 during a Reddit Ask Me Anything (now on her website), she wrote,

"i actually know quite a few people (artists and otherwise) who are in open relationships, but don’t go around broadcasting it. neither do we. i don’t really hang with the poly community or go on “open marriage” pride marches. that being said, there aren’t a lot of people trying to oppress our way of doing things, not actively, at least. if people showed up with pitchforks on my lawn (and my friends’ lawns) regularly, doing some parades might start to look more tasty.

Last year she recommended The Ethical Slut and More Than Two to a questioner on Twitter, but if she ever talked much more about the subject, it's not very findable on the web. So, naturally, the poly world has been curious.

A few days ago she did talk more about it, on the celebrity-chat podcast Talk The Line. And my fantasy balloon kind of went pssshshhhh. Listen here:



The original site (July 28, 2017). Update: The interview (audio) has been taken down, but see my transcript of its poly-related part below.

Palmer talks about their very primary open marriage from 31:30 to 36:45. I see no sign of anyone else but she and Neil being considered, like, an actual person, with, you know, agency and feelings.

Maybe she's just been about getting it on with casuals with nobody's heart on the line, and that would be fine, but is that really all there is here?

My transcript:

...It was a condition of our relationship. ...The relationship that I came out of before Neil, [former guy] was a strict monogamist. And I was enough in love that I thought ya know, I'm in my early 30s, I have done a lot of slutting around. I'm really in love, I can do this. I can be done with sleeping with everyone I want to, that's fine. But the conversation came up pretty fast, 'cause when Neil and I met and started dating we talked about everything. And he was like, "I'm totally game to let you sleep with whoever you want," and I was like "Great! I'm game for that too. Let's definitely do that."

And to be fair, or to be totally honest, we agreed to shut down the openness of our relationship until further notice at least when I got pregnant, because it was too complicated. And it's been complicated. Being in an open marriage, or a polygamous relationship [sic], you might think it would make the relationship easier, simpler. It actually means you need to maintain a stronger relationship, a more communicative relationship. It needs to be so grounded, to weather the energy of other sexual partners, that if you're not really ready to do that work, I wouldn't recommend it.

And do you talk about it? Like "Hey darling, what did you do last night?" "I just went and fucked some guy."--?

Yeah, except that doesn't happen very often. Especially as we've gotten older and we've experimented with what works and doesn't work and what drives the other one into a jealous rage, we've had to impose sort of more boundaries and rules and understandings, because, fundamentally, we love each other and we are a primary relationship. And so anything that is going to threaten our marriage has to go. And, plenty of those things have happened. And any time something comes in to threaten our marriage, whether it's a breaking of trust, or a person who's slightly too crazy, or this that or the other thing. It's difficult but we have to sit there and talk about it, sort it and deal with it. And we deal with that — the same way people in "more normal" monogamous marriages, deal with all the shit they have to deal with. ... So a lot of it is the same set of issues, you just stick a different frame around it.

... A lot of it now is now like, Neil's in his fifties, I'm in my forties, neither of us are all that into super-casual sex. And neither of us are into sleeping with random crazy people. So, a lot of this happens in a more boring adult way.... Things like that do come up in conversation, and since it's been a number of years now since I've slept with anyone but Neil, I can't even remember. I'm so focused on my child right now instead....

UPDATE December 20, 2017: An article about Neil Gaiman in the UK Times today says,

His marriage to Palmer was, initially, “a very open relationship”. They have a two-year-old son. So while it is “a theoretically open relationship, it’s kind of closed in practice. Because neither of us is going to sleep with other people when we’ve got a two-year-old with us; and neither of us is going to sleep with other people when the other can’t because they’ve got a two-year-old with them.

“There is a fairness to relationships. At some point maybe it will open up again. Right now it’s kind of moot,” he says, given that they are “sharing a bedroom with a two-year-old who’s just figured out how to get out of his crib.”

---------------------------------

UPDATE Sept. 6, 2019: They're open again, Palmer says in an interview in the Irish Mirror today on the occasion of her upcoming European tour:

Neil and Amanda, May 2019  (David M. Benett/WireImage)

 
...Amanda will probably have one precondition for her husband if she does decide to have another child – that he doesn’t sleep around during the pregnancy!

“We have a pretty progressive open marriage based on really clear communication and a lot of compassion and the rules, and the boundaries change around all the time,” she explained.

“For instance, when I was pregnant I respectfully asked Neil to close the marriage down for a while because it didn’t feel emotionally safe to go fooling around with anyone else. So, we closed the marriage down for a while.

“I think there’s a lot of options out there for a lot of relationships and, once again, as a society we’ve got a long way to go just in terms of how we relate to each other and do relationships and do them compassionately.

“But Neil and I have been on a 10-year learning curve about how to be in the most liberated and yet compassionate relationships where we ain’t ever stomping on one another’s feelings.”

She admitted jealousy can “absolutely” at times come into play as a result of an open marriage.

“And negotiating that can be really difficult,” she concluded. “But voluntarily negotiating it together, the awareness and the self awareness of all of that stuff can strengthen your relationship instead of tearing it apart…”

Whole article: Former Dresden Dolls singer not afraid to share her opinions on social issues (Sept. 6, 2019).

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The Guardian/Observer: "A new way to love: in praise of polyamory"

And now the third in the trifecta of UK big-media attention to poly in the last couple days (see last two posts). Elf Lyons, an up-and-coming comedian and performer (photo below), declares bold and proud for poly as an ideal feminist way of life. She writes the cover story of today's Observer Magazine in the Observer, the Sunday sister paper of The Guardian.

A new way to love: in praise of polyamory

"It opens the boundaries between friend and lover in a safe way"

(Those awkward people with her are models, not partners.)

By Elf Lyons

I have never enjoyed typical monogamy. It makes me think of dowries and possessive prairie voles who mate for life, and historically all monogamous relationship models have owned women in some way, with marriage there for financial purposes and the ownership of property.

For the last few years I’ve defined myself as a polyamorist. ... It’s a philosophy. Rather than the active pursuing of multiple partners in a lascivious way, it’s the embracing and understanding that it’s possible to fall in love, and have relationships, with more than one person at the same time.

Alongside developing CEO-worthy skills in multitasking, polyamory is the most empowering way of loving that I have encountered. It gives women more autonomy than other relationship models ever have. Although monogamous relationship models work for many, they’re not the only way to have relationships in society. In non-monogamous relationships, success relies on everything being on the table from the start. I believe that it could be the huge relationship revolution that the feminist movement needs. ... It opens up the boundaries between friend and lover in a safe and transparent way.

"The giraffe-limbed clown and raconteur"

in costume for her performance "Swan"

...If I had known as a teenager it was possible to love more than one person, it would have saved so much anxiety, guilt and time spent writing awful poetry. ...

I discovered polyamory when I was 23. I met a parliament of poly performers at the Adelaide Festival who were hippyish, liberal and kind. These performers spoke about their partners, children, poly-families. There were ex-couples who were working together on shows while their other poly families toured elsewhere, married couples who had live-in partners, triumvirates where they all balanced an equal partnership. I was entranced by their openness. It seemed symbolic of our changing global world, and most peoples developing nomadic lifestyles where we travel for work and find love with others on the way.

...And the reality? Non-monogamy is rather ordinary and occasionally dull. Stereotypes of weird Eyes Wide Shut sex parties and Sartre/de Beauvoir/Olga ménages à trois aside, it’s like any normal relationship, except with more time-management, more conversations about “feelings” and more awkward encounters with acquaintances at parties who try to use you as their “Sexual Awakening Friend Bicycle”, i.e. that shy girl from book club will get drunk and put her hand on your leg, before leaning in to kiss you, hiccuping: “I really loved Orange Is the New Black.”

There are misconceptions – a date once grabbed me for a kiss unexpectedly despite the fact I had made it clear I was in no way interested (my words were exactly: “This is not going to work. We have entirely different opinions on the EU and you have just told me I am ‘very funny for a woman’.”) When I pushed him away he was shocked. He believed because I was “sexually awakened” he could do what he liked. Luckily my experiences have meant that I am more vocal and confident, and able to stand up for myself. ...

People often ask: “How can you truly love someone if you want to be with someone else?” and “Don’t you get jealous?” I think these statements enforce unhealthy relationship ideals. ...When you take a step back, drop your ego and realise you’re one unique component of someone’s life, it’s liberating and freeing. Jealousy ebbs away and you realise that, of course, they may find another person attractive, because we’re all different pieces of a puzzle. This has made me more comfortable about myself — I am not holding myself up to standards about traditional female beauty, because I can experience it in a hundred different ways.

...When I started getting to know people in the poly community it was as liberating as taking off an underwired bra. I have had partners of both genders. I didn’t have to “choose”: the people I met understood that it was possible to give infinite, equal love to both sexes. My confidence soared. I wasn’t hiding. Men and women had equal place in my life. I no longer felt like a pendulum, swinging from one to another. This refreshing awakening did result in many awkward conversations with my mum and dad though....

...Although I love sex, because of past unpleasant experiences I’m also mildly afraid of it. So when I started experimenting with non-monogamy the idea of being intimate emotionally as well as physically with more than one person was a challenge. But, the choice gave me a power and ownership over my wants which I felt I had lost and been made to feel ashamed about. I’m not saying I jumped in the sack with everyone I met. God no. I’m too busy. But through being less judgemental on myself, I relaxed, opened up to the people I trusted and started loving myself again. It forces you to be really honest, to live life with an undefended heart.

...In a time of censorship on women, increases in assault and constant critiques on how we should behave, polyamory and its manifesto of embracing our evolving feelings, sharing responsibility and communicating and working effectively with people from all around the world could help revolutionise the way we tackle privilege, inequality and control of women’s rights.

I have an authority and a voice that I didn’t feel I had before. My friendships are better, my health is better. Through being polyamorous and being a part of the community I have been made aware of issues, both personal and political, that need to be uncovered and addressed.

The world would be a better place if everybody was more open to polyamory. As well as that traditional idea, that it takes a village to raise a child, it would mean we’d all love more, and love better. Loving different people at the same time is like learning a different language. There are different rules every time and it’s always open for discussion. ... Every time you say “I love you” to someone it takes on a new meaning. It’s retranslated, and it’s wonderful.

Read the whole article (print issue July 23, 2017; online July 22).

Advertising experts say that to make the most impression on the public, hit them with your message in different ways all at once, rather than with scattered messages spread out in time.

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Bi and Poly Nico Tortorella: "This Is What a Queer Family Looks Like"

Luke Fontana / The Advocate

The current issue of The Advocate, arguably the leading gay publication for the last 50 years, is themed "The Many Ways LGBT People are Creating Families Today." The cover story features Nico Tortorella — the bi and poly star of Younger — his partner Bethany Meyers, and their fluidity. For 3,000 words. It went online this morning. Excerpts:

This Is What a Queer Family Looks Like

Nico Tortorella and Bethany Meyers are reinventing what it means to be family.

By David Artavia

From the outside looking in, Nico Tortorella doesn’t seem all that different from the straight cisgender character he plays on the sweetly addictive hit comedy Younger, which had its fourth-season premiere in June. ... And as the show has grown, so too has Tortorella’s public openness.

...Tortorella is also the guy behind the super popular podcast The Love Bomb, now in season 2, where each week he interviews one of the many, many people he loves. He’s committed to shaking up norms around gender and sexuality. His decade-long polyamorous romantic partnership with Bethany Meyers, a fitness and lifestyle entrepreneur (who identifies as gay) is proof. It’s a different kind of queer relationship, they admit, one that is thoroughly open and modern and enduring.

...Tortorella — who has been described as queer, bisexual, demisexual, and sexually fluid — and Meyers — who usually dates women, calls herself “gay,” and admits Tortorella is the only man she’s ever had intercourse with — are open with each other and the public about their romantic relationships with other people. ...

...Tortorella and Meyers have been in love for over a decade, and their relationship seemingly has but one rule: to love each other. Boundaries are more or less nonexistent when it comes to having additional relationships outside their own. It’s an idea founded on trust, and a notion that has yet to be fully understood across the cultural mind-set. Even they don’t have a word to describe it, except for possibly being “witnesses” to each other.

...The first episode [of The Love Bomb] sparked a much-needed dialogue on what it means to be part of a polyamorous arrangement as well as the fluidity of love and sex.

...Polyamorous relationships have been around for centuries, yet it’s only now that people are becoming less afraid to speak openly about them. Tortorella and Meyers's relationship is 11 years in the making and survives on what they refer to as a “day by day” pace, knowing that no matter what happens they’re always going to be in each other’s life. As Tortorella explains, this type of trust needs to be sealed before exploring such nonconventional avenues. It doesn’t happen at the beginning: “It’s not like you can jump on Tinder and look for a Nico or Bethany,” he says.

Meyers also admits that due to a lack of examples of similar relationships, she had to teach herself how to navigate the rules....

...They told me they never get jealous when the other is dating someone of the same sex, like Tortorella’s highly public relationship with Los Angeles-based hairstylist and Instagram star Kyle Krieger. It’s only when they’re dating someone of the opposite sex that jealousy intervenes, mainly because there’s a chance of having a child, and they both desperately want to have a baby together.

Luke Fontana / The Advocate

...“We’re still figuring out the best way we can bring other people into our relationship,” [Tortorella] agrees. “I think we’re in the best place now [that] we’ve ever been, but we’re definitely still on an amateur level.” Then he urges, “If anybody is reading this and wants to give us some advice, and has been living this way for a long time, seriously, we’re sponges! [Hey folks, that's a hint! --Ed.] We’re so down to hear stories because these stories aren’t told often.” [Where have you been?]

The truth is Tortorella and Meyers know their relationship is a threat to others. “[Past partners] didn’t fully realize and understand who we are and what we mean to each other,” Tortorella admits. “Like, ‘OK, you have Bethany, [but] where do I fit into the puzzle?’ ‘Am I ever going to be as important as Bethany is?’ And what’s the answer to that? How do I best answer that question?”

“So many people have this idea that if you can love this, you cannot love this,” she adds. “And I don’t understand, because I do. I can have feelings for two people. There are different kinds of feelings, they fulfill different needs. I don’t find it very realistic to think that I’m going to get everything I need out of Nico.”

...Their sexual needs exist along the same lines. Tortorella says he’d rather wait to have sex until the love blossoms in a relationship, while Meyers has no qualms about her love of casual sex. The best part is, despite their contrasting approaches, their goals are ultimately the same: to reach empowerment, fulfillment, and satisfaction. So what if they happen to take different avenues to get there?

“For me, sex is such an explosive exchange of energy between two people that if you’re not connected, energetically, before you have sex, it can be damaging,” Tortorella says about the rising hookup culture on apps like Grindr and Tinder. “If you open yourself up to somebody on that level it can be damaging to yourself and damaging for the other person if there isn’t trust there. … That being said, I totally understand people who want to have casual sex. I think what you have to do in this scenario is stay in your lane. Find people who want similar things — physically, energetically, and emotionally. ...”

Meyers, who was raised in an ultra-conservative Christian family, has a different opinion: “I think sex can be really fun and really empowering. I think for someone who’s raised in a culture where sex is so bad and you can’t orgasm… I find a lot of empowerment. And I do think there’s a lot of responsibility to be up front and honest. I’m proud that as I’ve aged, I have been [honest]. I think women haven’t gotten to feel super empowered with sex for a very long time.”

...They’re both still learning how to navigate this brave new world, they admit. But as a Hollywood leading man, one of the most valuable lessons Tortorella has learned was about his responsibility now that he has this place in history. ...

“...There would be so much more love if we just saw each other. As much as I love getting worked up in these conversations, imagine how much energy we’d save if we weren’t having them, if it didn’t exist, if we were all just people and we could love [who] we wanted and it wasn’t an issue. Granted, is that some utopian idea? Yeah, sure, but what if? What if we allowed ourselves to just be ‘me?’”

Read the whole article (July 5, 2017).

Tortorella is indeed a star; his life and ideas have been getting lots of attention all over.

For instance, to pick one story that went around more than most, a couple weeks ago the tabloid New York Post ran this: ‘Younger’ star Nico Tortorella talks polyamory, hallucinogens and Hollywood. With video (June 22).

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Shirley MacLaine on her open marriage

She's been an actress since 1955, starred recently in Downton Abbey, and at 81 has another movie role coming up. She claims that she lived in Atlantis in a past life and a lot of other such things. Now she's in the news again after opening up on Sirius XM about her open marriage (which isn't news; she dished about it to Oprah Winfrey in 2011). It doesn't sound like a particularly good open marriage, but what do we know.

I post about this only because people have been saying I should. Excerpts from the (yuck) Daily Mail:

Shirley MacLaine says sleeping with other people is 'basis for a long-lasting marriage' (even though she ended up divorced)

She had the most unconventional of relationships with her husband Steve Parker.

But Shirley MacLaine has opened up to say sleeping with other people is the 'basis for a long-lasting marriage' — even though they ended up getting a divorce.

The Hollywood legend was married to Steve [in 1954], who she described as 'the love of my life,' and they got divorced in 1982. They managed to remain on good terms even after she discovered the film producer had been transferring huge sums of her money into a girlfriend's bank account....

While still married the 81-year-old had affairs with a slew of her high profile lovers, including Hollywood hardman Robert Mitchum, singer and actor Yves Montand, funnyman Danny Kaye and former Australian foreign minister Andrew Peacock.

But the Downton Abbey star does not believe this affected her relationship with her husband, saying: I guess you would say (we) "practiced an open marriage" in 1954, which was another lifetime.

'No one understood it. We did. He lived in Japan basically. I lived in America working, and this and that. We'd meet up, always great friends, traveled sometimes together.'...

The whole article (March 17, 2016).

Update later in the day: ABC News has put up an interview with her from some years back in which she explains the philosophy behind their open marriage quite well:



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"Polyamorous, Pansexual, and Proud: Why I'm 'So Out and Outspoken' "

Women's Health

Gaby Dunn is a Los Angeles comedian, does part-time writing/directing for Buzzfeed Video, and runs a YouTube comedy show called Just Between Us. She's been a newspaper crime reporter and an intern at The Daily Show. And she's totally out as a role model for poly designer relationships. You may remember her from this:



Meanwhile, Women's Health is an old-style print magazine that lives at the grocery-store checkout line. It's published by Rodale and has a circulation of 1.5 million. It says it "features a celebrity each month that exudes the lifestyle of a healthy, active woman."

They meet.

Polyamorous, Pansexual, and Proud: Why I'm 'So Out and Outspoken'

Photo by Marvin Lemus

Actress and writer Gaby Dunn breaks down her identity, and opens up about the judgement she faces.

By Gaby Dunn

A few months ago, I went to “gay brunch” with some lesbian friends in West Hollywood. I wore a little pink sundress, my hair down and curled. A couple hours later, I left my friends at The Abbey (a gay bar in L.A.), to meet my boyfriend. After dinner, he and I texted my friends, wanting to meet up again. In between the two events, I’d changed clothes, and now I was wearing shorts, a backwards snap-back hat, a flannel, and sneakers.

“How is it you left gay brunch this morning looking so straight, and came back with a guy, looking so gay?” one of my friends asked....

I am open to dating across the gender spectrum, including trans people, agender people, etc., so though I’ve identified as “bisexual” for most of my life, I am actually “pansexual.” (Thank you, Internet, for helping me learn a new word.)

...I also prefer polyamorous relationships. For me, polyamory means I have a primary partner who is my priority and then other partners depending on if I like someone and they like me. Sometimes that third person is also sleeping with my primary partner. Sometimes they are not. Sometimes my partner has someone else they’re seeing. Sometimes they don’t. It’s an open relationship, and coincidentally, because I am pansexual, it is sometimes with a man, but most often with women.



I have had a boyfriend for a little over a year now. He is cis and straight — which means when the doctors assigned him male at birth, they were 100 percent correct.... Almost all of my close friends are women, and almost all of those are queer-identified. When I had girlfriends, I could bring them into my friend group seamlessly.... But now I’ve got this kind, sweet, smart dude around. I still date within our gay community, but I come with a boy-shaped anchor. ["Anchor relationship" is becoming a poly-world alternative to "primary relationship."] Most of my friends have become friends of his, too. However, some have dropped off, confused as to why “all the lesbians around here fuck men.”

Just this weekend, a friend said, "Isn't it great we're all gay?" And then looked at me and said, "kind of." It hurt. It hurt because it’s the erasure of the very real fluidity of sexuality that a lot of queer people experience. It makes me feel like my relationships aren't valid or meaningful, or that I've offended "my people" by falling in love with a straight guy....

This confusion over my identity doesn't just happen with my friends. It also happens in little and big moments all throughout my daily life....

So when I am dating a guy, my life as a "straight girl" is pretty, well, straight. My boyfriends’ families judge me on my merits and not on their opinions of homosexuality. The waiter at the restaurant hands him the check.... My boyfriend and I are smiled at by old people on the street while holding hands, and I get chairs pulled out and doors opened for me.

Life is a lot different when people assume I'm a lesbian....

...If I shout from the rooftops about being queer, people will have to get it, right? I have the luxury of making a video all about my coming out process.... It’s a story I’ve told in a lot in different mediums, but I wasn’t always brave enough to do so when I was a kid (I went to a religious high school and I remember having regular anxiety attacks where I imagined everyone in the hallway looking at me and knowing I was gay).

Then, a month ago, I sat with an old classmate, an out lesbian herself now, and told the entire YouTube community about those paranoid hallucinations. I could not have predicted that I’d have the confidence to do that when I was a teenager. It's amazing how much can change over time....

Read her whole article (January 7, 2016).

Update Jan. 15: She posts a followup vlog talking about the article: "Polyamory, Pansexuality, Published" (7:05):



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No, Mo'Nique objects, her open marriage is not "a pass to cheat."

Remember Mo'Nique? The Oscar-winning actress and comedian has enthused about her happy open marriage to Sidney Hicks for at least eight years, most recently in the last couple weeks.

It started with an interview at TrueExclusives.com November 17 that had a catchy subject line. From the transcript:

...On the secret to having a long-lasting marriage:

“Honesty. That’s it. When I hear men say ‘I don’t tell my wife everything, you crazy?’ and I hear women say ‘I ain’t telling my husband that, you crazy?’ So you mean you trust somebody else other than the person you lay with every night, you slept with, you cried with, you make love to. So I think those long lasting things is simply honesty and communication. It’s gotta be your best friend.”

On having a “free pass to cheat” in a relationship:

“The person that you stood up and you said ‘for better, for worse, sickness and in health, richer or poorer,’ you took those vows in front of the universe. If you don’t live by them, then maybe you shouldn’t have taken them. And when you say ‘a pass to cheat’… see when you’re with your best friend and you say to your best friend ‘I’m having these feelings about this person, sexually and I wanna share it with you’.. when you’re best friends, you can have those open and honest conversations.

Often times people cheat because of something they’re not getting. But when you have open and honest dialogue and you say we’re just human beings and all these people on the face of the earth, do you think my eyes won’t ever say ‘he’s fine’ or ‘she’s attractive’. Now if you wanna go further with it, let’s be honest enough to have those conversations. What is it about that person that you find that you wanna sleep with? Because they may give you something that I’m simply not willing to do. And if that’s the case, how can I be mad? Because I’m not gon’ do it. Should I deprive you of not having it? That’s when the relationship is real real.

See how she knocks down that "cheat" language?

Husband and wife. (HelloBeautiful / Rodrogo Vaz / Getty)

Nevertheless, when TheGrio.com picked up the story the next day, it titled its piece Mo’Nique defends giving husband ‘free passes’ to cheat.

That same day the New York Daily News headlined an article Mo'Nique doesn't mind giving her husband 'a pass to cheat', which again makes it look like her quote.

She did a followup interview with Periscope to clarify. As presented in Us magazine:

Mo’Nique Clarifies Open Marriage to Sidney Hicks: “It Was My Idea”

The Oscar-winning actress, 47, said her words about her nine-year marriage to husband Sidney Hicks had been misconstrued, and gave fans her side of the story.

...“Originally it was my idea because at the time when Sid and I got together 10 years ago — now keep in mind this was my best friend since I was 14 — but when we first got together I was still stuck in being famous and a celebrity and being a star, and I felt like I could have whatever I want. So I was still in an insecure place of, ‘I can have that, I can have that, I can have that.’ And because I was dealing with my best friend, my best friend said, ‘If that’s what you think you need, as your best friend, I don’t want to stand in the way of it.’”

Mo’Nique took offense to critics claiming her husband was forcing her to make these rules so he could cheat.

“It makes me laugh when people put it all off on my husband as if it was something he was doing,” she said.

...She went on to further clarify her comments about a “pass” to cheat, saying, “We don’t give each other passes to cheat, because when you cheat, you lie, when you lie, you steal.”

The stand-up comic also revealed that she and her husband have a radio show called Mo’Nique and Sidney’s Open Relationship premiering on New Year’s Day, where they can talk about the secrets to the success of their marriage. [Update: It's actually a podcast scheduled to start January 11th.]

“Open means we’re open-minded to the world,” she clarified. “That’s what we’re open to. We are open to being honest to each other all the way through.”

The whole article (Nov. 20).

Lots more recent coverage in the entertainment press.

The entertainment world's fixation on cheating prompted polyactivist and alt-relationship therapist Jay Blevins to dissect this misuse of language with an article at The Good Men Project:

Men, Mo’Nique and Polyamory vs. Cheating: The Times They are a Changin’

When Mo’Nique discussed the need communicate openly with her husband, her words were publicly twisted. Consent, compassion and communication are traits the media are unable to grasp.

Jay Blevins

...What she actually talked about was the importance of being able to have the trust and connection to be completely honest with your partner. To be able to admit when you have an attraction for another person.

She not only talked about being able to acknowledge those feelings, but also, as the person hearing them, being compassionate enough to treat them gently and to learn from them.

She not only talked about being able to acknowledge those feelings, but also, as the person hearing them, being compassionate enough to treat them gently and to learn from them. To find out what it is that makes your partner attracted to someone else. Is there something they aren’t getting out of your relationship that is important to them?

Instead of being about fear, anxiety and insecurity she describes a relationship that is based in love, trust, commitment, honesty, compassion and consent. As part of that she acknowledges that if she loves her partner and there is something important to her partner that they aren’t getting from her, then she wouldn’t want to deny her partner.

That was in response to the interviewer’s use of the term “free pass to cheat.”... Because frankly, she isn’t talking about cheating. Cheating is about breaking rules, breaking vows, breaking trust.... Apparently The Grio isn’t paying much attention to the world around them. Because more and more people are exploring and embracing the concept of ethical non-monogamy....

Blevins goes on to expound the precepts of ethical non-monogamy and lists misconceptions about it. Read his whole article (Nov. 23). For the record, he objected to the stock patriarchal polygamy illustration that The Good Men Project stuck on top.

-----------------------------------

Update, Jan. 18, 2016: Their new podcast, Mo'Nique & Sidney's Open Relationship, has gone live. Essence magazine tells about its first episode: Mo’Nique Sets The Record Straight On Her Open Marriage In New Podcast: ‘It Was My Idea’ (Jan. 16, 2016).

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Poker star Justin Bonomo "embraces polyamory." Excellent spokesperson!

Poker News

And fresh this morning from the world of championship cards. . .



He and the interviewer just nail it. If you want to know what to say when a microphone is stuck in your face for 4 minutes, watch this. And he plugs More Than Two, which he's read.

The link (October 23, 2015).

He tweets, "Just had the most interesting interview I've ever done [in 10 years of pro poker]. With @AuntyChardonnay about being polyamorous bit.ly/1KtPNPS".

More about him. Official tournament winnings $7.2 million.

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Maria Bello's book *Whatever... Love Is Love*

Remember Maria Bello? The bi actress who had a piece in the New York Times in late 2013 about the success of her lesbian relationship while she and her husband are co-parenting their kid?

Now she has expanded her story into a book, Whatever...Love Is Love: Questioning the Labels We Give Ourselves. It's getting good attention. She was just interviewed about it on National Public Radio's Fresh Air. Excerpt:

When I decided to write the Times article it was before Thanksgiving of 2013 and it was after my son's dad's 50th birthday party. And [my partner] Clare and Jack and [my son's father] Dan were there; my parents had flown in from Philly; my brother was there; all of Dan's family. And I looked around this room and I thought, "There is so much love here and there are so many of my partners in this room, and that love is fluid and no matter how our relationships change, that love is always the same." So I was just proud of my modern family and I wanted to share that with the world....

On co-parenting with her son's father

It's so complicated for a family to shift around and the truth is, life is fluid, relationships are fluid, they are not static. As much as we want to hold onto an idea of what they're supposed to be, people grow and change and often in different directions, and then what do we do with that? Some people just throw out, throw out the love. Some people can make it work....

Read the rest of the summary (May 27, 2015).

Listen to the interview (16:27):

● Today she appeared on ABC-TV's The View (May 28).

● Video interview from GLAAD All Access (May 5) as featured on SheWired:



● Forbes magazine covered a book party (May 1).

● At The Daily Beast: "I'm a Sexual 'Whatever' " (May 5).

● She's interviewed  in Canada's national daily paper The Globe & Mail (May 7).

● A friendly interview at the Salt Lake Magazine website, during her visit to a fundraiser in Salt Lake City (May 17).

● In Edge Boston: Out Actress Maria Bello on Being A "Whatever" (May 10).

Google up more recent appearances in the news (in reverse chronological order).

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