Friday Polynews Roundup — New poly comics, lockdown logistics, Utah decriminalizes us, Polyamorous People You'll Meet, and more

It's Friday Polynews Roundup — for May 15, 2020.

Continued. . . .

 

● Kimchi Cuddles, you have competition. From Barcelona, the Holy Poly Macaroni open triad is turning out cute comics about themselves and poly life situations, in French and English. The artist of the group is Charly, who signs himself Cookie Kalkair.

They got interviewed for the coronavirus quarantine (in hard-hit Spain it's been a really no foolin' quarantine) by Muse by Clio, "the premier news site for coverage of the best in creativity in advertising and beyond. ... We feature long-form Q&As with dynamic makers in the creative arts." This is the outfit that does the ad industry's Clio Awards. The article is titled Tina, Elsa and Charly of Holy Poly Macaroni (May 12).

As confinement continues in most parts of the world, we're checking in with creative people to see how they're faring. Here's an update from Charly, Tina and Elsa of Holy Poly Macaroni, devoted to educating people about ethical non-monogamy one adorable cartoon at a time.

"Tina, Elsa and Charly, pre-quarantine days"

 
Give us a one-sentence bio of yourselves.

We are Charly, Tina and Elsa, a polyamorous throuple in Barcelona, where we share our daily life as a triad, and exploration of ethical non-monogamy relationships, on our Instagram account, Holy Poly Macaroni.

It's Charly (aka, Cookie Kalkair) answering these questions. I'm a comic book artist, and illustrate short comic strips to explain how polyamory works.

Where are you living right now, and who's with you?

Elsa and I (Charly) live together with our 4-year-old son. Tina has her own apartment nearby, in the same neighborhood. But it's not close enough for us to see each other from our rooftops. Bummer.

Describe your socializing strategy.

We have WhatsApp groups with friends, where we drop daily news and updates. We organize recurring video calls to keep family and friends close. And we started giving ourselves "alone time" to have Skype dates and share a drink with someone we like.

How are you dealing with childcare, if applicable?

We homeschool our 4-year-old every morning, a different subject each day: math, French, Spanish, geography, history, etc. ... In the hallway, we've created a long historical chronology, starting from dinosaurs and ending with us today. We add to it every week. It's pretty fun. ...

...What are you watching?

Every week, we watch the latest episode of RuPaul's Drag Race together via video chat. We are also trying to watch a trilogy every weekend, like the first three movies of Mad Max or The Matrix Trilogy.

Since the three of us are playing Apex Legends on PS4, we also watched Battle Royale, to come back to the roots of the genre.

...Any tips for getting necessities?

From our window, we can see when the delivery truck supplies the supermercado. That way we know when there's been a restock. Pretty handy.

...Best work email you got since all this started.

We were selected for a series of interviews about polyamory by Erika Lust. It was pretty cool to take part in it, partly because of their progressive feminist adult content!

An aha! moment since all this started.

Maybe not "aha!" — but cute: Two weeks ago, it was Tina's birthday. Elsa went to her apartment and sang "Happy Birthday" in the street for her. Then she left a bottle of cava, a cake she baked, and gifts in the elevator for Tina to pick up. Quarantine love!

What's your theory on how this is going to play out?

We hope some aspects of this strange situation will stay as-is—that we figure out how to maintain good air quality, the low number of planes in the sky, and fewer cars on the road. We've gotten used to this new calm and green city landscape. But I feel we are lying to ourselves…

. . . continued.

● More about polyshipping in these hard times: a very long piece in Metro UK, People in polyamorous relationships reveal what it’s like having multiple partners in lockdown (May 11)

By Laura Abernethy

Lockdown is having a huge impact on relationships.

...But for those in polyamorous relationships, the rules are more complicated.

When the lockdown started, Sally had five partners. She has ended up leaving London to go into isolation with one of her partners, meaning she will not see the other four until it is safe to do so.

She has been working from home and living at her partner’s house for nearly two months.

Sally

She explains: ‘The decision was somewhat made for me. I had had a weekend visit with Partner 1 the weekend before lockdown and they had gone to see another partner of theirs, E. The next day (17 March) all non-essential travel was discouraged, so that cut off Partner 1.

‘That evening I started coming down with a mild cold. I was talking to all my partners during this time and I knew that Partner 2 was planing to isolate with their partner K and was making preparations to do that.

‘Partner 3 didn’t want to isolate with me as I was not well when the decision needed to be made and didn’t want to risk anything.

‘When I spoke to Partner 4 about the potential of London locking down they invited me to stay with them. They drove to pick me up the next day, I packed up enough for an extended stay, including plants!

‘Partner 5 is the most casual and wasn’t likely to want to isolate with me in any case, even though we have previously lived together before.’

...Choosing one of her five partners to spend this time with does have an impact on the others. Sally also had to accept that her some of them spending their isolation with another one of their partners.

She adds: ‘In terms of preference, there are definitely partners I feel I’m more domestically compatible with than others, which is natural. ...

‘Partners 1 and 2 were very accepting, having E and K to isolate with themselves. The four of them and me and Partner 4 all know each other and keep in touch in a WhatsApp group called ‘A-Poly-clypse Now!’ It’s a good group dynamic and we are supporting each other.

‘I suspect Partner 3 was a bit jealous and sad to start with. Our relationship is the newest and we were seeing each other the most regularly of all my partners and suddenly stopping that ... has been really difficult.

‘Partner 5 is totally fine, isn’t really involved in anything to do with my other partners and we have occasional phone calls. All is well.’

Although she is very much still in relationships with the other four, Sally says she has enjoyed spending time with one partner. ... ‘We are learning about each other from a new perspective and we are very good at giving each other space for our other relationships and virtual visits with our partners. There is no jealousy at all.’

...Like many people who are in a relationship but living apart, Sally has been keeping in touch with the others through messages and calls. She adds: ‘Partner 1 in as already a long distance partner at the start of the lockdown and this has been largely unaffected. Partner 2 and I are always very supportive of our other relationships and we know that we prioritise other relationships over ours.

‘I chat regularly with 1 and 2 and I miss them but we are managing well so far. I think this is because they are comfortable, established relationships.

‘I am finding it difficult to be separated from Partner 3. I miss them very much. We have set up a regular Sunday night Skype date and have settled into little daily routines of communication that I find so comforting.

‘Partner 5 is doing well and we are pretty much the same as when I was living locally to them.’

--------------------------

Robin

... During the pandemic, Robin has been living with her husband but sees P once a week at a hotel. She explains: ‘Hotels are an "essential business." We found a hotel that we feel does a great job sanitizing and following safe protocols, and now schedule an overnight there, once a week. ‘Booking the hotel room is now included our budgets. ... Dates look like doing essential errands or a safe visit to the park. I worried that we were not strictly following social distancing guidelines. ...’ They say that they are taking precautions, although she was worried about criticism. ... she adds: ‘We follow the hand-washing, masks, and disinfect spray when going out, and we’re being safe in distancing from other people.’ ...

‘The pandemic has actually led my husband and I to become even closer,’ Although Robin and her partners are sticking to what works for them, she agrees that part of the problem is that the definition of what is considered family is ‘too narrow. ... Poly families exist, too.’

In non-covid news,

● This Poly 101 just appeared in a women's magazine in Kenya, a country where male-centered polygamy has deep cultural roots but where modern egalitarian polyamory is getting increased public attention. What is a polyamorous relationship? (EveWoman, May 12):

By Rachel Murugi

Probably you’ve seen them, more than two partners together and expressing their affection for each other publicly without shying off.

While at it, they seem so happy whereas you are possibly wondering how they deal with issues like jealousy.

Surprisingly, this type of relationship exists and can thrive with a few ground rules.

It may involve one party of the relationship being interested elsewhere but still committed to the other or a couple having another couple as a quadruple.

Contrary to popular belief, a polyamorous relationships does not imply cheating.

Cheating is non-consensual while a polyamorous relationship has to involve consent from the involved parties. If anything, a high level of trust is expected between the parties.

Some of the key values that partners in polyamorous relationships have is respect for each other. Owing to the open communication module within the relationship, it is easy for the parties to express their views.

One has to be open to their partner on what they want. It could range from better and experimental sex to having an emotional connection with another person.

Polyamorous relationships also involve setting a number of boundaries. While you may be excused to think that it opens a whole world of sex, this is not they only binding thing.

People seeking such relationships have to agree with their primary partner whether the other party will live with them, whether they will share in financial and any other duties such as child care duties and other family issues.

You'll mostly find out that there is a primary party who caters for the 'normal' family.

Other than duties, you have to communicate on whether involving another person affects you, whether you are okay with your partner being sexually involved with another person or if you want it to be purely for solace and emotional purposes.

...In the case that you are wondering whether you'll get jealous or not, be keen to know that it's not meant to be that way.

However, speaking your feelings openly is the core foundation for a thriving polyamorous relationship.

● The Mormons are scared of us. Remember John Murowski's well-reported article last month, Here's 'Polyamory': Multi-Partner Sexual-Rights Crusade on the Horizon? It raised a flurry of grim we-told-you-so's on the religious right. Now comes this from the Mormon Meridian Magazine ("Latter-Day Saints Shaping Their World"): Polyamory and the Domino Effect (May 11). Because, to a cult-style organization (where my mother's side of the family comes from), nothing is so terrifying as personal freedom:

By United Families International

In 2013 Hans van Leeuwen of Leiden University set out to find just how powerful a domino chain reaction could be. Through a mathematical model, Leiden found a domino small enough to hold in your hand could start a chain reaction that would eventually topple a 112-meter tower.

...If the “No-fault divorce” law of 1969 can be compared to the first small domino, what is the 112-meter domino of today? According to John Murawski of Real Clear Investigations, it’s polyamory.

...Murawski believes that polyamory activists, “are laying the groundwork to have their cause become the next domino to fall in a long line of civil rights victories”. University of California’s Heath Schechinger, a counseling psychologist believes, “There is plenty of evidence that consensual non-monogamy is an emerging civil rights movement”. Poly activists are not wasting time in gaining elected official support. Over a dozen local governments are working on anti-discrimination ordinances to include, “relationship structure” definitions. If this is true and the legalization of “relationship structure” or polyamory is the next domino to fall, what domino will be next? Where does society draw the line? Will societies need for the novel ever end?...

Where does this lead?

Lost in the discussion of the right of adults to define and form relationship structures based on their desires is the effect polyamory has on children. Rates of child abuse skyrocket for children living with non-biological guardians and that rate will increase as the number of adult guardians increase. Given the human propensity for breaking down sexual boundaries, it is likely that polyamory is not the final 112-meter domino to fall at the end of this experiment with human sexuality. What will be the next safeguard to fall in this destructive chain reaction?

Speaking of which, my Mom was raised by an upstanding Mormon family on a sheep ranch in southern Idaho as a little girl in the 1920s. She remembered the "aunts" among her relatives far outnumbering the uncles. Sometimes an aunt was left by herself in a rickety wooden house to run a whole farm, fuming while the uncle "lived in a brick house in town" with another aunt, as Mom remembered her Aunt Helen complaining. This was more than a generation after the LDS Church had officially renounced polygamy — during this temporary life on Earth, anyway — so that Utah could enter the union. She helped cook massive meals for the sad, rough ranch hands of all ages who lived their lives on the property in an all-male bunkhouse, unable to marry. Why? Only later, she told me, did she realize it was because most of the "aunts" had been claimed by a few upstanding, property-owning men.

If I remember correctly it was her father who informed her about this. He was a monogamist and proud of it. I have fond childhood memories of Granddad and all that he taught me about the desert on our long walks. But by local lights he would have been called a failure; most of his children broke with the church.


● Meanwhile, just a few days ago Utah decriminalized polygamy after about 85 years — and, therefore, also modern polyamorists cohabiting under one roof. The new law, which just went into effect, does not mean that either Mormon patriarchal polygyny or modern, secular poly households are recognized by the state or even legal; just that they they are punishable with a fine as an "infraction," like jaywalking, rather than being a felony with the theoretical threat of five years in prison.

CNN article: Bigamy is no longer a felony in Utah (May 12)

...For decades, bigamy was a third-degree felony, legally punishable by up to five years in prison and up to a $5,000 fine. The new law makes it an infraction, putting the offense on par with getting a traffic ticket.

...Though the practice has long been illegal under state and federal law, the Utah attorney general's office has declined to prosecute the offense, except when it's committed along with other crimes. The new law makes the attorney general's policy official. Supporters of the law say that reducing the penalty for bigamy removes barriers that previously prevented potential abuse victims from coming forward for fear of prosecution. ...

The bill passed the Legislature in February with overwhelming support, though it faced some opposition from advocacy groups who argued it normalized what they called an inherently oppressive practice and enabled the abuse of women and children. ... Republican state Sen. Deidre Henderson, the bill's lead sponsor, called Utah's previous law unenforceable, saying that it didn't prevent people from engaging in polygamy, but instead isolated polygamous communities and prevented potential victims from reporting abuse.

"Vigorous enforcement of the law during the mid-twentieth century did not deter the practice of plural marriage," she wrote in an email to CNN in February. "Instead, these government actions drove polygamous families underground into a shadow society where the vulnerable make easy prey. Branding all polygamists as felons has facilitated abuse, not eliminated polygamy."...

"The history of raids and family separations, combined with the blanket ban on an entire lifestyle, leads to the fear that an investigation might break up an entire family, removing the children and incarcerating the parents," Henderson wrote. "That's a high hurdle, and so abuse is kept quiet."
Henderson added that she was not looking to legalize polygamy or the issuing of multiple marriage licenses, but was trying to "address the human rights crisis our law has created."...

Modern, egalitarian polyamory was a barely-noticed side issue in all this but is definitely affected. Writes polyamory-rights activist Dave Doleshal,

Under the previous laws, anyone [in Utah] cohabiting with multiple people or living in a "marriage-like" arrangement that included three or more could theoretically be arrested and thrown in prison — which would apply to most openly polyamorous people even if not in something that resembled a formal polygamous marriage. This same basic law was proposed 2-3 years ago, but was vigorously opposed by the vast majority of both houses of the Utah legislature and the governor's office (as well as the Mormon church). This time, it received widespread support in both houses of the legislature and by the governor — and received no more than nominal objection from the Mormon church.

So, still far from an ideal situation. However, it nevertheless represents a tiny bit of progress in the right direction. This suggests that even in some of the most "conservative" environments, there may be at least SOME grounds for optimism that poly activism might ultimately be successful — even though it might still take a lot of doing. Perhaps our efforts in more liberal/progressive areas might yet meet with some success?

● Laura Boyle has posted Part 2 of her humorous Polyamorous People You'll Meet, on her site Ready for Polyamory (May 2).

The Wokest Poly... The Poly Snuggle Bunny (I’m just in it for the friends)... The One Penis Policy... The NRE Chaser... The Person With A Chip on Their Shoulder... The Most Bitter Half of a Couple You’ve Ever Met... The Scene-Famous Person... The Unsettlingly Large LGBTQ Polycule... The TERF That Needs Kicking Out of the Event... The Missing Stair... The Person Who Never Goes To These Things, But Dates Enough That We All Know Them... The Organizer Who is Legitimately the Best....

If you missed it here's Part 1, from the Controlling Helicopter Partner to The Swingers Who Realize They’re at the Wrong Party.

● And speaking of a changing world, "metamour" is Playboy's sex word of the week.

That's Friday Polynews Roundup for now! See you next Friday, unless something big happens sooner.

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Friday Polynews Roundup — "Social power and quarantine in polyamorous relationships," Roswell TV series, more.

It's Friday Polynews Roundup time again — for May 1, 2020.

● Lots of pandemic tales this week from polyamorous folks all over. Here's just one. It's a happy one for a change, from the reddit/r/polyamory user YetiYogurt, who started a thread with it: How polyamory looks today (April 29). Reprinted by permission.

Day 47 of my isolation in Chicago, and tonight polyamory looks like me sitting on the living room floor using the coffee table as a dinner table and watching Bosch on Amazon Prime while toking a bowl. The dog is laying on the sofa behind me with her head nestled against my back.

My spouse Boo is in the dining room on a video date with their girlfriend Elin. They both cooked the same recipe for dinner and are playing a connection question game to deepen their understanding of each other. I picked out Boo's earrings and tie for the date (more involved than usual, but I'm really in a Big Mush Mood today.) I love that Boo and Elin made it into a real occasion with intention. I love my spouse so damn much, and Elin is such a wonderful partner for them.

Earlier this afternoon my girlfriend Mila parked outside my apartment building and stood on the sidewalk with a facemask and an umbrella. It's been raining all day. We talked on the phone with my window open. The wind occasionally [blew] the rain in, but we could look at each other and imagine we were giving real eye contact. It lifted my heart to have even ten minutes of her nearby.

My boyfriend Sigma and I used to have weekly dates on Wednesdays, but in isolation that's been falling by the wayside due to mental health. This week we decided we were both too tired [for a virtual meet] and he wanted time to be solo tonight. We will talk on Friday instead.

How does polyamory look in your lives today?

● "Social Power and Quarantine in Polyamorous Relationships."  Eli Sheff grapples with this hot topic on her site The Polyamorists Next Door, after seeking the inputs of many polyworld movers and shakers (April 29). This is the second of three poly-and-covid articles coming from her, and it's meatier than her first last week. Here are large excerpts (the emphases are mine), but really, go read the whole thing.

How privilege affects social distancing for people in CNM relationships.

Elisabeth Sheff

Recent [polyam] arguments ... over the appropriateness of continuing to travel (across town or across the country) to see partners during the COVID-19 quarantine prompted a virtual community town hall. Chrissy Holman, polyamory community organizer and Communications Lead for the American Psychological Association Division 44 Task Force on Consensual Non-monogamy, coordinated a panel of health professionals and community activists [on Zoom] to discuss the impact COVID-19 can have on CNM communities, and how to avoid becoming a vector of transmission. To access a wealth of information from 14 experts and community members, you can find a recording of the COVID-19 Polyamory Town Hall here.

Safe to Visit?

[Of course] people want to visit their significant others. ... Confusion from politicians about ... how to end the quarantine only further muddies an already bewildering situation.

One group of people who are not at all confused are the public health officials, who uniformly say it is premature to end the quarantine and return to in-person interactions -- because we have not been able to test enough people to know how widespread the infection is, much less determine if the transmission rate has declined. ...This community of scientists and public health professionals instead encourages people to continue social distancing until it is clearer exactly how the virus is transmitted (current thinking is that it is [sometimes] airborne), testing is more widespread, and infection rates have been tracked long enough to know if they are declining. ... It could make the difference between life and death for the people in your life, and people you don’t know who can be impacted by your choices today.

Social Hierarchy

One of the factors that influences whether people feel safe enough to visit... is their place in the social hierarchy. ... To varying degrees and often reluctantly, polyamorous communities in the United States inevitably recreate the social hierarchies that exist in larger society. For some [young, privileged] poly folks, their conviction in personal well-being and access to material goods ... can also coincide with an individualistic sense of self-determination and refusal to listen to authority. Unfortunately, that impulse towards individualism is counter-productive when it comes to COVID-19 because the choices the individual makes can affect people who get infected from an asymptomatic carrier whose house-mate got it from the visiting poly person three days ago. ...

Relational Hierarchy

...Some CNM relationships have primary partners (who tend to prioritize each other emotionally and materially, probably live together, might be married and/or have kids) and secondary partners. ... Being unable to visit a secondary/non-cohabitational partner can leave the relationship feeling more distant and can feel especially vulnerable for a person who does not have a primary partner and is sheltering alone. ...

Being allowed to visit, or not, comes laden with hierarchical potential. Who is interpreted as important enough to visit? Who has the clout to forbid others to visit? What happens if someone visits impulsively and another partner feels upset over a perceived boundary violation? What if one person thinks it is time to end quarantine and another feels the risk is too high? Or is it using the risk as an excuse to manipulate their partner to go without seeing someone else? ...

Best Practices

Given the possible relationship challenges during this fragile period of quarantine, what are poly people to do? Chrissy Holman summed up with the suggestion that CNM folks “keep visits virtual, or just move in and cohabit until we have a solve for this virus. We're trying very hard to make sure polyams are not visiting houses right now and non-cohabiting partners. All the medical literature says that this is very likely airborne, that many are asymptomatic, and that we'll be experiencing several peaks as pandemics are wont to trend. As Zach Budd and Dirty Lola mentioned in the town hall, there's no real risk assessment, no real consent, because there is no way to do the "informed" part yet, and everyone thinks they're statisticians and risk assessment experts now. Not true. We need to agree that until we understand this virus, in-person visits with non-cohabiting partners are a bad idea.”

--------------------------------


And now we return, for the rest of this post at least, to our regularly scheduled poly in the media.

● There was that 3,000-word RealClear Investigations report that I posted about two days ago, Here Comes 'Polyamory': Multi-Partner Sexual-Rights Crusade on the Horizon. Although it may have come from a conservative intention to flag the next culture war, the piece itself was factual and honest.

● Here's another story in the massive "what monogamous couples can learn from polyamory" category. In fact, that's its title: What Monogamous Couples Can Learn From Polyamory. It appeared on the platisher Bolde.com, "a platform for single women to express themselves about dating & relationships." (Undated; late April 2020)

By Jazz Meyer

Open relationships are practically the new normal, but while this relationship style isn’t for everyone, there's a lot monogamous couples can learn from their free-loving peers.

Accepting that attraction towards other people is natural.

...Classic romance stories would have us believe that when you find “The One,” you’ll never have eyes for anyone else. Unless you’re a hermit, that’s pretty unlikely. The key to dealing with wandering eyes is accepting it as a totally normal part of the human experience....

Adding ‘compersion’ into your vocabulary

...Ever felt jealous of the joy your partner gets from their friends, hobbies, or career? Practicing compersion is a great exercise in celebrating things that might otherwise incite jealousy for the wonderful reason that they bring your partner happiness.

Developing skills to deal with jealousy. ...

The power of direct and honest communication. ...

Being completely honest with yourselves and each other. ...

Negotiating boundaries. ...

There are alternatives, and every relationship is a choice. ...

We are social creatures. ...

One person can’t fulfill all your needs. ...

Your self-worth doesn’t depend on your partner. ...

● Poly in TV series, continued. In the April 20th episode of "Roswell, New Mexico" (broadcast on The CW, a CBS-owned channel), Alex, Maria, and Michael — after a chase drama fleeing a bad guy — passionately kiss together, remove each other's clothes and (offscreen) engage in a threesome. Afterward Alex says he felt "loved." Following that, this appeared on Meaww, Media Entertainment Arts WorldWide: 'Roswell, New Mexico': Will the show bring in a major polyamorous relationship to primetime TV? (April 26).

Michael (Michael Vlamis), Maria (Heather Hemmens), and Alex (Tyler Blackburn) in 'Roswell, New Mexico'

 
There is a reality to polyamorous relationships and it's time that the immaturity of unwarranted stigmas around it be dissolved.

By Anoush Gomes

'Roswell'... had recently brought to life the possibility of a 'thruple', an actual one that does not have only sex as a precursor or incentive. ... The show has the potential to fall into a polyamory narrative, and if so, would be part of quite a few shows that have decided to shed light on such relationships. The relationship between these characters seems to be genuine. ...

There are no gender restraints whatsoever in a polyamorous relationship, and the involved individuals can be heterosexual, lesbian, gay or bisexual. ... With 'Roswell' there is a potential for the show to shed a kind light on polyamorous relationships, without exploitative measures that include click-bait narrative pushes. ...

Roswell's next episode, on April 27, did not follow up on this theme according to fansite recaps.


● Finally... Let's make a game! Here is a typical, accurate little What-is-polyamory? article of the kind we're seeing everywhere these days. This time it's in a source about as random as you can get. Reead.com is a flashy menswear, men's grooming, and airplane-miles blog by a self-described "influencer." I mean, he says that right on the site! To get into the influencer business you create a cool, hip, cosmopolitan image online (no connection to reality required), aggressively build the image and its clicks, then seek commissions from companies to hype their stuff. It works, sometimes, because this cool, hip person seems to be sharing elite insider tips with his lucky friends, including you.

In this piece he's not trying to sell clothes, men's grooming products, or airline-miles deals; he's building clicks with a Google-trending topic and SEO keywords.

The fact that sites like this are now doing our educational work for us — pretty well, and for free! — tells me that we've passed a tipping point and are unstoppable from here on out. The piece is called A lesson in Polyamory? Here’s what you can learn! (April 24).

So here's the game. This short piece makes 52 statements about poly and related topics. I scored 46 of them correct, 3 of them more right than wrong, 1 more wrong than right, and 2 just wrong. What's your score? I'll offer my wrongs at the end, and let's see if we match!

A lesson in Polyamory? Here’s what you can learn!

© Can Stock Photo / popaukropa

 
Polyamorous people not only have a relationship with one partner but often with several at the same time – and in such a way that all parties involved know about each other. How does that work out?

With the knowledge and consent of all involved, emotional and sexual relationships with several people can be enjoyed at the same time and work out pretty delightfully.

Still, some prejudice and labels against polyamorous relationships are that those who do not commit to a partner struggle with decision issues, are insecure, immature, or just not ready for a deep emotional bond.

Unfortunately, there are many more prejudices about polyamorous relationships. We took a closer look at some of them and clear up some common misconceptions:

1. Lesson: Polyamory is not cheating

Many people believe that polyamorous people have one affair after the other and do not tell their partners about it. That’s far from true. One of the fundamental principles of polyamory is honesty and transparency. In contrast to other forms of non-monogamous concepts, consensus and equality, as well as a long-term orientation, play a fundamental role.

Most people that discovered polyamory were raised to believe that you can only love one person and everything else is cheating. So, many of them discovered poly-love without having heard of it before or knowing it was possible, Datingroo found out in an exclusive interview.

In fact, secrecy is not something to strive for in a polyamorous relationship. Absolute honesty should lead to happier and more stable relationships, according to supporters of polyamory.

2. Lesson: Polyamorous relationships are meant to last

As mentioned above, the basic orientation of a poly-relationship is a long-term one. Both partners are interested in being happy with each other – and with others – in the long term. But, just as every monogamous relationship is different, every polyamorous relationship is also very different.

The concept of polyamory as one of many non-monogamous relationship-concepts is often misunderstood and can be defined differently in many ways, as stated in The Conversation.

There is no such thing as a role-model-relationship. Some have one main partnership and several secondary relationships, others have several equal relationships side by side. What always belongs to it, however, is transparency and a lot of self-reflection.

3. Lesson: Polyamory is not the same as polygamy

In polygamy, only one partner, usually the dominant one, has the right to several other partners. This has nothing to do with the egalitarian concept of polyamory. Equality is fundamental to a polyrelationship, on eye level.

That said, jealousy is not uncommon in polyamory, so how to deal with it? One approach is starting with one’s own attitude and to question negative thoughts. They usually have no plausible foundation. It is important that one doesn’t let jealousy overtake their feelings. In the right measure, it can be a declaration of love to a partner.

Finally, a very important prerequisite for escaping jealousy and leading a polyamorous relationship is also self-confidence.

4. Lesson: Polyamory is not similar to swinging

Swinging is a lifestyle in which couples individually or together enjoy relatively anonymous intercourse with others as a complement to their erotic lives.

It is, so to speak, a kind of “leisure activity”, while polyamory comprises a concept of life that is more integrated into everyday life. Swinging also concentrates primarily on the sexual level, while polyamorous people do indeed form intimate and emotional bonds with other people outside their relationship.

5. Lesson: Polyamory is not the exception

If you look at the figures on divorces and separations, it is clear that the monogamous relationship concept does not work for many. A recent survey by YouGov showed almost half of the men and a third of the women surveyed would like to live a form of non-monogamy.

Of course: Polyamory means constant work on oneself, a lot of communication, and probably some arguments. But on the whole, it might make a relationship more honest and authentic.

Okay. My one  "more wrong than right" was, "Polyamorous people not only have a relationship with one partner...." Some poly people actually have no partner at a given time, but they're still poly — by orientation and/or desired relationship structure. However, the great majority of polyfolks IME do indeed have at least one relationship.

My two "just wrongs" were,

"In the right measure, it [jealousy] can be a declaration of love to a partner." BZZZT! The poly world widely lambastes the notion that jealousy is a "declaration of love" as a pathetic, dangerous spawn of toxic-monogamy culture. It can certainly be a declaration of obsession, or dependence, or ownership, or fear of loss, or personal humiliation, disappointment, hurt and/or entitlement. But none of those things are love.

And,

"Polyamory is not the exception."  Yes it is. Most North Americans, polls consistently find, say they would prefer a monogamous relationship. Even the polling numbers the author cites for wanting "some" form of non-monogamy amount to less than 50%. And those surely include forms of non-monogamy that wouldn't qualify as poly even by his own article's definition.


That's it for now. See you next Friday, unless something comes up sooner!

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Friday Polynews Roundup — Happy-poly media as a two-edged sword, quarantine tales and recommends, a date for 'Trigonometry', and more.

It's Friday Polynews Roundup again — for April 24, 2020. Welcome back.

● Is good media treatment of poly a double-edged sword? Public-relations experts say that the way you get the public to grasp a new concept is to tell them, "It's just like this thing you already know, but with one new twist." For instance, gay marriage.

But if the new thing actually requires a deeper paradigm adjustment to get it right, is that just asking for trouble? Might you leave people stranded on the wrong shore? Think of the stereotypical unicorn-hunting couple.

The thoughtful Ready For Polyamory blog comes from Laura Boyle, a relationship/sexuality educator and presenter at polycons. She and her polycule had a mostly positive experience being featured in one of those countless happy-polyfamily profiles that the British tabloids keep cranking out. (For instance. More.) Yes, she writes, media treatments like that help to educate the public about who we are and to destigmatize us — including, I might add, to our relatives, friends, employers, and other people who really matter. But the narrowness of such treatments can make them a double-edged sword. This week she writes about the sword's other sharp edge: Advertising Polyamory (April 20).

I have a deeply complicated relationship with all the press (especially tabloid press) that polyamory has received lately. It’s a necessary and positive step to have Super Wholesome Polyamorous People in articles and on video as Very Happy, with maybe a throwaway line that “jealousy happens but hardly ever anymore and we work through that.” [It's] really important to public perception. [Eventually], one of the crappy attempts at a polyamory show like You Me Her (all offense meant, that show was AWFUL) is going to be a little better, take off, and be our Will and Grace, made of all delightfully presented stereotypes, run for too many seasons, and make moms in the Midwest who think they’ve never met one of us realize it won’t be so bad when they do. Or, when we come out to them, they won’t panic; they’ve “heard of this.”

“Laura,” you might say, “that’s all good news. Why on Earth would you have a problem with that?”

Well, I’m in the awkward position of having done this long enough to know that the formats easiest to understand on TV are the hardest to make work in real life, and I worry about what that does when we don’t meet our stereotypes. ...

[In 10 or 20 years] do we get our mothers going “Ugh, you can’t do monogamy right, you can’t do polyamory right, when are you going to find a nice couple and settle down?” Do the long-chain, wide-network-polycule types get ignored and forgotten, and parallel[-poly] folks get treated like shit, when monogamy+1, and two couples getting together to make a quad, become acceptable? Like out leatherfolk got treated at some city’s pride parades in 2019, because we need to be more family-friendly now? Or is it ok because those [big poly] networks still have chunks where people are small-polycule-family-units in appearance, and my mother can still hope I’ll find a stepdad or two for my kid, and my place as the end of a chain is just a phase? ...Those questions bother me both personally and on a grand scale.

Logically, I 100% understand that change is incremental, and that public perception change is the most so. ... So, when members of my polycule were approached to do a tabloid video a couple years ago, I didn’t say “Oh my gosh, don’t do it!” — I said, “Please include me.” I wanted to show that people can have happy family lives and still have outside partners. It still came out as super wholesome, it still got a bunch of views and media attention, mostly positive, and it seems to have landed as similarly easy to understand, even if there were some problematic editing choices. I think incremental change needs to include those slightly-off-expectation expressions, or there’s going to be a lot of confusion when people try polyamory and realize triads aren’t equilateral every moment of every day and every year; that quads usually aren’t all perfectly bisexual people with perfectly equal feelings for each other.

...A wave of “getting people into the idea” with media that says “Oh, equilateral triads are amazing and how this happens” is going to land a lot of people in bad situations that leave them with a bad taste in their mouths, or in a lot of community rejection, which I think is just as bad as having been ignorant about it. Feel free to disagree, because incremental change among people who still will never try it is important to public perception; but I worry about internal community impact, and that’s potentially ugly as a side effect.

See also her recent take on Maintaining your relationships and your polycule in a pandemic (April 6.)


● Oh yes, we're back to isolation in the pandemic. Lots more of it this week. On NewNowNext, Polyamorous and Quarantined: How Are These Couples [sic] Making It Work? (April 17):

“You’d think there’d be a ton of sex with the three of us living together, but no one is ever in the mood."

By Zachary Zane

Before coronavirus (COVID-19), Simon, 46, had never lived with both his husband Alex, 45 and their shared boyfriend Jack, 38. While they expected new challenges as they transitioned to a quarantined throuple, they weren’t prepared for what actually happened: one partner feeling excluded, even though they now spend every waking moment together. “My biggest fear is that the stress of this all is going to cause further rifts for us because we spend so much time together,” says Simon.

Getty stock photo

...When you’re polyamorous, you don’t just have to navigate the feelings of one partner, you have to consider the needs of multiple. This can prove challenging when you’re self-isolating with one lover and not the other(s). It can be even worse when you’re the one who’s self-isolating alone. Or, like with Simon, the dynamics grow complicated when all parties are suddenly together 24/7, an abrupt change in pre-COVID-19 boundaries. ...

...Simon also made clear that Jack doesn’t speak on his behalf. Jack had mentioned something about the “three of us forever,” which frightened Alex, especially since they’d all been dating only six months before the quarantine. Simon iterated that he... knows their relationship with Jack might not stand the test of time.

...“From the beginning of the pandemic, things got really complicated for me and my other long-term partner,” says Jessica, 29. She’d... decided to self-isolate with the partner she’d been with for three and a half years and not the partner of nine months.

“We had this incredibly sad and difficult day where we went for a walk, not touching and maintaining six-feet distance the whole time. I told him that, because of the quarantine, I was going to be ‘flu-bonded’ to my primary partner.”

...Daniel, 37, is self-isolating in the Caribbean with one of his primary partners, Josh, 28, who he’s been seriously dating for three years. They flew there for a music festival in early March and decided to stay. While isolating abroad, Josh and Daniel grew closer, though Daniel still says his romantic life is in shambles. Two of his partners back in New York City have contracted COVID-19, one of whom is a mother of two children. While he tries his best to check in on all of his partners regularly, he feels helpless; they’re sick with a potentially life-threatening illness, and there’s nothing he can do from hundreds of miles away. ...

● Eli Sheff, on her long-running Psychology Today blog The Polyamorists Next Door: Polyamorous During the Pandemic (April 21). Kinda states the obvious, but....

This is the first in a series about polyamory and COVID-19, and it addresses the advantages and disadvantages of being polyamorous during a pandemic.

Advantages

...More social support during a difficult time. ... This includes not only intimate partners, but more importantly the larger network of non-sexual polyaffective relationships that make up the web of relationships that Koe Creation named a polycule.

Many of the other benefits depend on residential status....

Living Separately

These poly folks already have the skills in place to stay connected with each other, even when they are physically remote. ...

Living Together

Most obviously, it can be more fun to be on lockdown with a built-in crew for board games, cooking, socializing, and support. Social isolating with more people is less isolating!

...Having more grownups around to help wrangle the kids who are home all day. ...

...Pooling resources... Residential polycules with multiple incomes might have more financial resilience if one partner loses a job. ...

Disadvantages

...The polycule... is vulnerable to infection both because of its large size and its permeability. ...

Living Separately

...Seeing the other person on a screen ... can be especially unsatisfying for lovers who really miss each others’ touch.

...Being prohibited from visiting can stir up issues of relationship power and hierarchies....

Living Together

...Being cooped up together can be incredibly painful for people who are having conflict with their partner(s). ... People who are anxious and afraid (and who isn’t right now?) tend to fall back on less healthy behaviors or relationship patterns. ... Worldwide there has been a rise in intimate partner violence....

...Inability to control others visiting each other during the lockdown. The resulting controversy... is so contentious that it [will require] another blog.

● On Mashable, What It's Like To Be Polyamorous During The Coronavirus Quarantine (April 19):

By Anna Iovine

...This is a question posed on the #PolyProblems Tumblr page, one of several in a post titled "Pandemic Poly Problems." ... Can you have phone sex with one partner while another is in the room? What if the partners don't know each other well?

Vicky Leta / Mashable

...There are four types of dynamics going on right now, according to relationship coach Effy Blue: People staying at home with partners but separated from others; people separated from all their partners; those polycules who decided to come together under one roof; and solo polyamorous people living alone.

...Ashley Ray, a comedian in Los Angeles, is solo polyamorous and has been since 2013. "Even, for me, given that background, I've really been struggling," she said. "If you're like me, you're going insane and you're just trying to video chat everyone you can. ... I did have one partner who very much wanted to detail the fun crazy quarantined sex he and his partner are having," she said, "and I was just like, 'Come on, you gotta shut up.'"

...Steve Dean, online dating consultant at Dateworking.com, a dating coaching and consulting business, told Mashable that he's staying at home with one partner and communicating with others virtually. ... In some cases, Dean said, social distancing has brought him closer with other partners, even those who even in normal circumstances live in different countries. "If anything, now that I have fewer things going on, every night I have more time that I can set aside for intentional heart-to-hearts and virtual chats with partners who are abroad."

Polycules living in one home, too, can have their own issues. They may be dealing with dynamics they never had to before and different distributions of labor. ... "There's a lot of work to be done there," said Blue. If relationship issues had previously gone avoided, they're bubbling up to the surface now. "People feel like they have time to talk about things without feeling like it has to be solved then and there," she said, "Because there's a sense that we're all going to be here for awhile." ...

...How it plays out will vary from person to person, but Blue believes that longtime, established polyamorous relationships will fare just fine. She compared them to lava lamps: frequently morphing and changing within an established framework.

Read on; it's much longer.


● A gripping narrative on The Greatist: I’m Polyamorous and I Don’t Live with My Partner — Here’s How We Cope During Quarantine (April 19):

By Gabrielle Smith

It’s the Sunday morning before Mayor de Blasio orders all the restaurants in NYC to close. I wake up and check my phone. I’m groggy from a late night of bartending, and it takes me a few moments to register the text that my boyfriend, A, has sent me. Woke up with a high fever. You should consider canceling your plans and self-isolating.

My heart drops. OK. Breathe, I tell myself to control the sudden spike of anxiety. I inform my roommate of the situation. I cancel my dates for the week. ... A’s messages begin to peter out — and then I start hearing from his wife.

Brittany England

Getting texts from her isn’t abnormal. ... We operate in this fluid cell of communication, regular STD testing, and combined Google calendars, all with the idea that our love can be shared with more than one person — and, often, with each other. ... The first time B and I were alone together, she gave me a note of reassurance.

“I really like you for him,” she said. “He always comes back so happy after seeing you.”

B’s texts to me now are composed of status updates.

...I’m only in the next neighborhood. Five stops and 15 minutes of travel could take me there. But I don’t move. ...

● In the alt-weekly Chicago Reader. Polyamory during a pandemic (April 21):

By S. Nicole Lane

...For many folks, their partnerships are evolving day by day as social distancing shifts to the new normal and shelter-in-place circumstances disrupt poly formations. Polycules, constellations, and networks are all navigating the pandemic in various ways, and each has their own unique set of boundaries.

Navigating a partnership shift this invasive (and global) requires incessant communication. Starting a healthy conversation of limitations, needs, wants, and concerns is imperative when several people are involved. ... For some polycules, physical touch and intimacy may have to take a back seat for the foreseeable future. This is, of course, a strain on any relationship. Developing a plan is essential when sketching out what a pandemic polycule will look like. Technology, virtual dates, social media, and video chats are all ways to stay connected and intimate.

...Apps like Hinge have launched [online] "date-from-home" features.... For poly folks looking to seek out new crushes, this is a cute and accessible way to continue dating (and still stay isolated). However, for folks in long-term partnerships, the pandemic has introduced considerable circumstantial changes.

"I haven't seen any of my other partners for like four weeks now. We've been experimenting with remote dating," says Dee*, a Skokie resident.... Dating while isolating consists of calls, voice chats (using a program called Discord), movie nights through Netflix Party, and a few dates through Animal Crossing. Dee is currently living with her spouse, who is immunocompromised, and because Dee is seeing three other partners, she finds that strictly quarantining themselves has been the best decision. Dee and her partners practice kitchen-table polyamory, which is when all people know one another and are friends with one another. Metamours—a term that refers to your partner's partner—are all friends when practicing kitchen-table polyamory (the term is inspired by the idea that everyone in the polycule is seated together at a kitchen table). For Dee, this type of practice has been helpful while quarantined. "It's been nice having my whole polycule as a support network. We've all been able to look out for each other and those of us who are healthier/lower risk can shop for each other."

...A text conversation between two members of a poly couple shows just what kind of anxieties can occur.

Steven* and Sylvia* have been together for three years and are navigating the pandemic one day at a time. Steven has been with his nesting partner for ten years, and Sylvia, being a solo poly, has been dating a new partner for four months. "When the stay-at-home order came in, my nesting partner and I had a brief discussion that we would still see each other's partners as long as everyone was comfortable with it and ensure that we would limit as much as possible interactions outside of our 'pod' and be safe when doing so," says Steven.

Steven, his nesting partner, and their metamours are all able to work from home during isolation, but Sylvia is still working some reduced hours. At first, Steven says he had few concerns about seeing Sylvia because she was taking the proper precautions to protect herself. However, after Sylvia listened to a Dan Savage podcast that discussed the topic of dating during a pandemic, she became increasingly concerned. After hearing Savage's advice for folks not to see their partners if they don't live with them, Sylvia's views on things shifted. ... "The biggest difficulty I have been facing lately is that I am still required to work on-site at my office," she says. "Although we have less than ten people currently working in our office, and we are doing everything in our power to keep our workspace and our protocols as safe and clean as possible, I still feel that I act as the biggest threat to my partners' health as they both work from where they have been sheltering in place for nearly a month.

"After having many lengthy conversations and despite knowing the risk, both of my partners, in addition to my partner's live-in partner, have all been adamant that they would still like to see me," she says.

Having lost 75 percent of her income, her mental health has suffered. "My long-term partner has stepped up immensely and has been there for me when I have needed reassurance and emotional support; both he and his live-in partner have been like family to me through this experience...."

Rae McDaniel, a certified sex therapist and founder of Practical Audacity, says... "Alternative ways of connecting simply may not completely meet your needs. And that's OK." They say there should be an acknowledgment "that we are going through collective withdrawal and grief about not being able to be with everyone that we love.... Being forced to isolate from communities of friends and lovers alike can be extremely difficult when community is a main source of connection, meaning, and a feeling of belonging.

"...Socially distant walks can be a nice way to connect and get some fresh air at the same time. There's also the old-school love letter."...

● A followup to last week's piece about best practices for online sex parties, Eros in Isolation (by Mischa Byruck on Medium): Forbes now has a story on the growth of these all over, happening on various platforms in case Zoom and GetVokl get stuffy about hosting them: Even Sex Parties Have Moved Online As People Turn To Cybersex During Lockdown (April 16). For instance, Forbes mentions events on the poly-oriented dating site Feeld.


● Lastly: We finally have a date when the BBC's poly love series Trigonometry will become watchable in the US: May 27, when the new streaming service HBO Max becomes available to HBO subscribers (no additional charge).

A new review of Trigonometry just appeared in a binge-watch guide in The Guardian, UK edition: 'Trigonometry shows that polyamory is about love': Paapa Essiedu's lockdown TV (April 23)

Actor/director Paapa Essiedu,
"bingeing British"
 

...An excellent eight-part drama about a couple who both fall in love with their lodger; it is like any other love story, just with an added element that makes it a little bit more extraordinary. The writing is fantastic, it is beautifully shot in an otherworldly style, and the three central performances are wicked — there’s so much chemistry between the three of them. It draws you in as a viewer, and shows you the reality of polyamory in a non-judgmental, unsensational way.

Trigonometry's Ray, Kieran, and Gemma 

I recently directed a play on the same theme called Either and, as part of the research, I got the actors to watch Louis Theroux’s documentary Altered States: Love Without Limits, which makes [polyamory] sound like the most wild, hypersexual outskirts-of-society type existence. It is often seen as something really taboo and extreme; you don’t often see the idea of love being like a central pillar of that world or those relationships. I think that is what Trigonometry does that’s so brilliant: it teases out love as the thing that challenges and pushes and glues together these three characters along this journey.

[It illustrates] just how important and how brilliant British television can be.

That's Friday Polynews Roundup for now! See you next Friday, unless something big happens sooner.

Send me good stuff if you see it: alan7388 (at) gmail.com.

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Friday Polynews Roundup — When this isolation ends, good long-distance sex, how to open a relationship, and more.

It's Friday Polynews Roundup time again — for April 17, 2020.

Hello, dear ones. Here's hoping you are settling in as well as you can for the long haul.

When can we expect to emerge from this isolation and resume touch, hugs, and intimacy? Not to mention in-person work, paychecks, and normal life?

Here in America society is turning against itself in yet another way: about how soon to relax safety standards. And in today's America, many of the most motivated partisans freely invent and expound "alternative facts" to deny and blow off knowledge of the realities that are becoming clearer. Surprised?

Here is the most succinct, clear statement of what we face that I have seen anywhere, and I've been studying a lot and so has my wife the biologist. It's from Michael Rios of the Center for a New Culture:

The false dichotomy is saving lives vs. saving the economy. The real dichotomy is this:

A: The economy collapsing because people are staying at home

versus

B: The economy collapsing because people are dying in the streets when the hospitals get overwhelmed, which leads to entire sections of society cracking under the stress.

Virtually every [medical historian and] professional epidemiologist agrees on this.

What we are trying to do is flatten the curve until one of three things happens:

1. Accurate testing, for both the virus and for antibodies, free to everyone. This would allow us to segment society into those who are safe to return to work, those with an active infection, and those who still need substantial protection.

Or,

2. A treatment and cure that reduces the death rate to near zero.

Or,

3. A vaccine that is safe and effective.

Until one of those three happens, any serious reduction in the constrictions we're facing will result in economic and human devastation.

But what about a kinda not too serious reduction of the constrictions? That's where this is hurtling, for better or worse. The only way we can thread this needle with minimum catastrophe is by rigorous scientific determination of the facts, those "stubborn things",¹ to steer our future around the worst catastrophes. For instance right now, after more than two months of pathetically slack testing, there's preliminary evidence finally coming in that the virus is more contagious and prevalent, and therefore less often lethal, than we knew before. If so, this will mean a lot for strategies going forward.

Meanwhile these waters are being furiously muddied by reality-hostile conspiricists and amateur Dunning-Krugerists, both from the Trumpy right throughout and behind the power structure and, far less influential but closer to me, the New Agey left. Yes I read you both, and you wouldn't believe how alike you sometimes sound. Just try to grasp the destructiveness of your confirmation biases and motivated reasoning, and until then kindly just STFU if you care about anybody. We've got to science our way through this.

-------------------------------------------


On to polyamory in the news for the week.

● First off: that Polyamory and COVID-19 Town Hall and webinar that I plugged last week? It came off quite successfully last Sunday (April 12) on Zoom, with 14 community panelists and about 125 attendees. Here's the video as promised. The presentations all come first, then audience Q&A and discussion.




● Next: Cosmopolitan presents one couple's better than expected experience with remote swinging. Swinging is definitely a different form of CNM (consensual non-monogamy) but it often shades into poly. There's even a term, "swolly." COVID-19 Cancelled My Swingers' Vacay, So I Got Down at a Digital Orgy Instead (April 13).

The strategy described there is widely applicable.

By Ali Wunderman

When you’re a swinger, even a pandemic can’t stop the party, which is why I recently found myself hunched over my bathroom sink, shaving my legs for the first time in a loooong time.

...We were supposed to be celebrating our 15-year anniversary at Young Swingers Week in Jamaica at the notorious nude resort, Hedonism 2, when the lockdown began. ... In the context of lost loved ones and lost jobs, I know I can’t complain about having to postpone a weeklong beach trip, but... as COVID-19 spread through the U.S., group sex became less of an option by the minute — not just a health risk, but a moral violation.

Fortunately, the swinging community quickly turned to everyone’s new best friend, video chatting, to keep the mood alive.

...New York’s members-only love club NSFW was hosting their first-ever video play party, and we had scored an invite. I found out about the shindig through a friend who was planning to attend, and because it was the club’s first time hosting the party, they waived my one-time $25 fee. Sweet.

Preparing for the lockdown-edition of a sex-positive hangout was surprisingly similar to the real deal.... With everything properly arranged, my hubs and I sat together on the bed in front of my laptop and clicked the provided GetVokl link....

It was a mix of couples and singles, and most of us were in our early to mid-30s. The screen displayed four feeds that participants could dip in and out of, while a group chat allowed everyone in attendance to interact all at once. The organizers kicked off the event with live musicians playing in one of the feeds, and all 67 attendees soon got frisky. Those quarantined together played with each other, while solo-ers made the exhibitionists happy by showing themselves masturbating to all the hot sex going on. Like at in-person parties, it was amazing to be among people who didn't seem to possess a single sexual hang-up.

Introductions gave way to a live demonstration of power exchange and impact play, and the group’s arousal was palpable.... I had to remind myself that just because I was watching people have sex on a screen, I wasn’t watching porn — I was watching real people let loose, and it totally turned me on.

...The digital orgy — dorky as it might sound — gave us far-flung swingers a sense of community, and more importantly, it turned us all the f*ck on. TBH, the experience was, in a word, healing. Spooning in front of the computer screen, watching couples and singles around the world prioritize their pleasure for three hours on a Friday night was *exactly* what we needed. We did ~the deed~ three times during the playdate, and again as soon as we woke up the following day. ...

● Related: Eros in Isolation by Mischa Byruck, on Medium (April 15). "Best practices for online sex parties!" says Sarah Taub. "Fascinating article with implications beyond the sexual realm. Highly recommended."

Update: Rolling Stone suggested that Zoom is, or will be, using automated image recognition to censor nudity and sex parties: Virtual Sex Parties Offer Escape from Isolation — If Organizers Can Find a Home (April 15). Nope, replied PC Magazine the next day, nor does Zoom view content: Relax, Zoom Probably Isn't Going to Crack Down on Your Virtual Sex Parties (April 16). Regardless, dedicated sex-party conferencing apps are reportedly in development.


● On a site suggesting Netflix binges for the confined, here's another in the list of polyamory relationships showing up in TV series. This time it's Carla, Polo, and Christian in "Elite," which is now in Season 3. Here's Why Elite On Netflix Is Worth Watching Right Now (April 15):

By Karelle McKay

Netflix's Elite is a gripping teen drama that revolves around a murder mystery while tackling a range of topics like homophobia, drug use, classism, religion, and sexuality. The drama has captivated audiences across the streaming platform.

...The teen drama follows three working-class students (Samuel, Nadia, and Christian) that receive a scholarship to an elite high school called Las Encinas. Their presence leads to constant conflict with the wealthy students and results in the murder of a fellow student.

...Elite is not afraid to shy away from hard-hitting topics — one being sexuality. The most captivating romance is Ander (played by Arón Piper) and Omar (Omar Ayuso). They come from two different worlds. ...

...Also, the relationship between Christian, Carla, and Polo. The two rich kids, Carla and Polo, try to spice things up in their failing relationship by asking Christian to engage in a threesome, resulting in them becoming involved in a polyamorous relationship.

"Christian and Polo get in an argument. Carla stands in the middle."

 

● A nod to polyfolks comes in the authoritative MedicalXpress: Isolation could improve how we think about and navigate sex and relationships (April 14). They picked it up from the academic nonprofit outlet The Conversation, which is full of mostly excellent stuff.

By Victoria Brooks

...3. Non-monogamous relationships

Under [today's] unique conditions, we will be pushed to reconsider enduring questions around fidelity and non-monogamous relationships. Consider a situation where a partner within a long-term cohabiting relationship has an additional partner whom they do not live with, perhaps it is through an affair, or perhaps the relationship is polyamorous. ... Isolation and this global crisis will trigger new conversations based on people's lived experiences of the challenges and possibilities of such relationships.

● And a bit of humor from a satire site: Polyamorous Woman Quarantined with Least Favorite Boyfriend (The Hard Times, April 3).

"Maybe if I can get her to smoke a bowl and listen to some Faith No More, she’ll see my intellectual side. ... I bring something to the table. I mean, I actually did fix a wobbly table in her kitchen. You just shove some folded up paper under there and that’s it.”

-------------------------


● PsyPost reports on an interesting new study: What changes when couples open their relationship? Surprisingly little, new research suggests (April 16):

A new study tracked people who planned to open up their romantic relationship to include other partners for two months. The findings, published in Social Psychological and Personality Science, indicate that engaging in consensual non-monogamy is associated with some increases in sexual satisfaction — but does not have much of an impact on other aspects of one’s relationship.

...The researchers recruited 233 individuals currently in a monogamous relationship who had expressed a desire to try swinging, an open relationship, or polyamory (but had not done so yet.)

...More than half of the participants, 155 individuals, reported that they had in fact opened their relationship over the two month span. The researchers found that participants who opened their relationships tended to experience positive changes in sexual satisfaction.... When it came to relationship quality and life satisfaction, on the other hand, there was no meaningful difference between those who opened their relationships and those who did not.

“On the one hand, there’s an idea out there that turning your monogamous relationship into a non-monogamous one is an effective way to ruin that relationship. On the other, consensual non-monogamy is sometimes talked about as though it’s an elixir for relationship problems. The biggest takeaway from the current data is that we found no support for either of these ideas. ...

“We did find that people who opened up their relationships were subsequently more sexually satisfied, both compared to before they had opened up, and compared to the portion of our sample who thought about opening up but didn’t. This was particularly true for people who had the goal of addressing sexual incompatibilities within their primary relationship.”

...“We specifically recruited people who were thinking about opening up their relationships, and so our participants were all at least somewhat enthusiastic about CNM by definition. The current results probably wouldn’t generalize to people who hold negative attitudes about CNM. Another major caveat is that we did not collect partner reports, and so we cannot say how our participants’ partners felt about the experience of opening up their relationships,” Joel explained.

The study, “A Prospective Investigation of the Decision to Open Up a Romantic Relationship“, was authored by Annelise Parkes Murphy, Samantha Joel, and Amy Muise.

They call their study "exploratory." I'd like to see followups after much longer than two months (I expect this is the plan), and a much larger number of subjects than 155, interviews with everyone affected, and seriously, for it to divided out by relationship type: casual FWBs for sex and dates, versus full-on romantic poly.


● From Your Tango, 7 Tips For Couples To Have Fun With Ethical Non-Monogamy (April 12):

Dr. Stacy Friedman

...Achieving a successful open relationship requires certain characteristics and skills:

    – A high degree of emotional intelligence and emotional regulation to handle strong feelings that might emerge, such as jealousy and insecurity
    – Self-awareness about your feelings, wants, and needs — in other words, your boundaries
    – Strong ability to clearly, effectively communicate
    – Basic respect for each other
    – Commitment to each other and the relationship
    – Ability to advocate for yourself

Here are 7 tips for having a successful open relationship with your partner.

1. Understand the different forms of open relationships. ... Consensual non-monogamy typically takes one of these general forms:

    – Occasional sexual play with others (sex clubs, "hall pass" sex, or allowances in long-distance relationships)
    – Partner swapping (threesomes, swinging)
    – Emotional commitments with multiple partners (polyamory, long-distance relationships)

2. Understand your reasons for having an open relationship.

...If the reason for opening the relationship is to fix a broken relationship or to keep the other person from leaving, then reconsider. Opening a damaged relationship will not repair what is broken. ... The additional stresses and high-intensity emotions almost certainly will exacerbate the problems.

Sometimes, a couple opens the relationship because one partner pressures the other into going along with the idea. This non-monogamy mismatch almost certainly will result in resentment and unhappiness.

3. Keep open communication.

The absolute most essential requirement.... "We know that communication is helpful to all couples. However, it is critical for couples in non-monogamous relationships as they navigate the extra challenges of maintaining a non-traditional relationship in a monogamy-dominated culture."

4. Establish boundaries. ...

5. Be explicit about these boundaries. ...

6. Respect your partner's limits. ...

7. Seek neutral advice. ...

The whole piece is very couple-centric, as you might expect of an article that's about opening a marriage as opposed to polyamory. And — warning — it confuses boundaries with rules. That'll cause you real troubles. Once again: Rules are requirements you place on another. Boundaries are protections you set around yourself. Those are not the same, in fact they're rather opposite.


● Also from Your Tango: another for the bulging storehouse (just a few examples) of articles themed "How poly values can help mono couples": Why 'Agreements' In A Monogamous Relationship Make Couples Honest About What They Want (April 12). Reprinted from Ravishy (April 1).

By Myisha Battle

There is a growing conversation about open and polyamorous relationships happening right now. More and more people are exploring what it’s like to allow themselves to become romantically and/or sexually involved with multiple partners.

...A relationship agreement is a framework that helps set the parameters for openness to other relationships or experiences. It consists of items that two people agree to respect during the course of their relationship.

If creating this framework helps establish a clear code of conduct for non-monogamous relationships, using relationship agreements in monogamous relationships could cut down on the emotional turmoil....

1. Relationship agreements set the tone for the relationship. ...

2. Transparency can deepen an emotional bond. ...

3. There might be some trial and error. ...

...I think this approach could be incredibly useful for monogamous couples that want to deepen their understanding of each other's sexual and emotional needs.

...The first step (which might also be the hardest) is communication. ... Brainstorming a list of things that will create a safe experience of fidelity within the relationship could help to avoid those “oh sh*t” moments as well as deepen your bond as a couple.

● Uh-oh, this is an ugly one: poly household member in the news for breaking baby's bones. One of the polyfamilies spotlighted in the British tabloids in recent months was a young woman with four guys in Jacksonville, Florida. Now one of the men, Ethan Baucom, 22, has been charged with aggravated child abuse, police said. From the Florida Times-Union (March 25):

A 22-year-old Westside Jacksonville man told an officer he “needed to tell the truth” on March 17, according to his arrest report.

While much of the report about Ethan Bishop Baucom’s charge of aggravated child abuse has been redacted, one line is not.

“He stated he believed he heard a ‘pop’ during the occurrence,” the officer wrote in the report.

The 5-week-old girl’s grandmother gave more details in an email to The Times-Union, saying the baby suffered a broken leg, arm, ribs and skull fractures.

“I am so distraught that words cannot describe,” the grandmother said. “Oh the horror of all this! I’m so overwhelmed with pain, heartache and sorrow over this.”

She said the baby is expected to recover without any permanent damage.

Baucom remains behind bars on $250,000 bail, according to jail records.

...On March 17 the baby’s mother called the Florida Department of Children and Families, saying she believed Baucom had possibly injured the child while he was baby-sitting March 12, the report said. She said Baucom told her he had squeezed the child.

Baucom told the responding detective that he was getting frustrated due to his inability to get any sleep while baby-sitting. At some point something happened that was blacked out in the report, and that’s when he said he heard the pop. The baby briefly ceased crying, then cried harder, he said.

The right wing has grabbed onto this, for instance in The Federalist: Why Child Abuse Is More Likely In Polyamorous Homes Like The Woman With Four Boyfriends (April 15)

You don’t have to care about Tory’s consensual adult relationships, but everyone should care about “unconventional” families that statistically put children in risky households. Polyamorous homes by their very nature always fall into that category.

The mountain of data on family structure reveals children fare best in the home of their married mother and father. For overall child well-being, any two (or five) will not do.

Of course, we all know heroic stepparents, but statistically, non-biologically related adults are one of the greatest predictors of child maltreatment. This ugly aspect of human nature is the very reason adoptive parents are required to undergo extensive screening, vetting, and training prior to having a child placed in their home.

...“Progressive” notions of family cannot escape the cold, hard social science that the most dangerous person in a child’s life is an unrelated cohabiting male, especially one left to care for the baby alone.

Statistically, that last is true. All the poly parents I know are very cautious about allowing anyone new to even meet young kids until the parent(s) know them very well and maybe do some background checks. This is why. Consider it a warning.

That's Friday Polynews Roundup for now. See you next Friday, unless something comes up sooner.

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1. "Facts are stubborn things; and whatever may be our wishes, our inclinations, or the dictates of our passion, they cannot alter the state of facts and evidence."
      –John Adams, in his defense summation at the Boston Massacre trial, 1770.


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