Friday Polynews Roundup — Happy-poly media as a two-edged sword, quarantine tales and recommends, a date for 'Trigonometry', and more.

It's Friday Polynews Roundup again — for April 24, 2020. Welcome back.

● Is good media treatment of poly a double-edged sword? Public-relations experts say that the way you get the public to grasp a new concept is to tell them, "It's just like this thing you already know, but with one new twist." For instance, gay marriage.

But if the new thing actually requires a deeper paradigm adjustment to get it right, is that just asking for trouble? Might you leave people stranded on the wrong shore? Think of the stereotypical unicorn-hunting couple.

The thoughtful Ready For Polyamory blog comes from Laura Boyle, a relationship/sexuality educator and presenter at polycons. She and her polycule had a mostly positive experience being featured in one of those countless happy-polyfamily profiles that the British tabloids keep cranking out. (For instance. More.) Yes, she writes, media treatments like that help to educate the public about who we are and to destigmatize us — including, I might add, to our relatives, friends, employers, and other people who really matter. But the narrowness of such treatments can make them a double-edged sword. This week she writes about the sword's other sharp edge: Advertising Polyamory (April 20).

I have a deeply complicated relationship with all the press (especially tabloid press) that polyamory has received lately. It’s a necessary and positive step to have Super Wholesome Polyamorous People in articles and on video as Very Happy, with maybe a throwaway line that “jealousy happens but hardly ever anymore and we work through that.” [It's] really important to public perception. [Eventually], one of the crappy attempts at a polyamory show like You Me Her (all offense meant, that show was AWFUL) is going to be a little better, take off, and be our Will and Grace, made of all delightfully presented stereotypes, run for too many seasons, and make moms in the Midwest who think they’ve never met one of us realize it won’t be so bad when they do. Or, when we come out to them, they won’t panic; they’ve “heard of this.”

“Laura,” you might say, “that’s all good news. Why on Earth would you have a problem with that?”

Well, I’m in the awkward position of having done this long enough to know that the formats easiest to understand on TV are the hardest to make work in real life, and I worry about what that does when we don’t meet our stereotypes. ...

[In 10 or 20 years] do we get our mothers going “Ugh, you can’t do monogamy right, you can’t do polyamory right, when are you going to find a nice couple and settle down?” Do the long-chain, wide-network-polycule types get ignored and forgotten, and parallel[-poly] folks get treated like shit, when monogamy+1, and two couples getting together to make a quad, become acceptable? Like out leatherfolk got treated at some city’s pride parades in 2019, because we need to be more family-friendly now? Or is it ok because those [big poly] networks still have chunks where people are small-polycule-family-units in appearance, and my mother can still hope I’ll find a stepdad or two for my kid, and my place as the end of a chain is just a phase? ...Those questions bother me both personally and on a grand scale.

Logically, I 100% understand that change is incremental, and that public perception change is the most so. ... So, when members of my polycule were approached to do a tabloid video a couple years ago, I didn’t say “Oh my gosh, don’t do it!” — I said, “Please include me.” I wanted to show that people can have happy family lives and still have outside partners. It still came out as super wholesome, it still got a bunch of views and media attention, mostly positive, and it seems to have landed as similarly easy to understand, even if there were some problematic editing choices. I think incremental change needs to include those slightly-off-expectation expressions, or there’s going to be a lot of confusion when people try polyamory and realize triads aren’t equilateral every moment of every day and every year; that quads usually aren’t all perfectly bisexual people with perfectly equal feelings for each other.

...A wave of “getting people into the idea” with media that says “Oh, equilateral triads are amazing and how this happens” is going to land a lot of people in bad situations that leave them with a bad taste in their mouths, or in a lot of community rejection, which I think is just as bad as having been ignorant about it. Feel free to disagree, because incremental change among people who still will never try it is important to public perception; but I worry about internal community impact, and that’s potentially ugly as a side effect.

See also her recent take on Maintaining your relationships and your polycule in a pandemic (April 6.)


● Oh yes, we're back to isolation in the pandemic. Lots more of it this week. On NewNowNext, Polyamorous and Quarantined: How Are These Couples [sic] Making It Work? (April 17):

“You’d think there’d be a ton of sex with the three of us living together, but no one is ever in the mood."

By Zachary Zane

Before coronavirus (COVID-19), Simon, 46, had never lived with both his husband Alex, 45 and their shared boyfriend Jack, 38. While they expected new challenges as they transitioned to a quarantined throuple, they weren’t prepared for what actually happened: one partner feeling excluded, even though they now spend every waking moment together. “My biggest fear is that the stress of this all is going to cause further rifts for us because we spend so much time together,” says Simon.

Getty stock photo

...When you’re polyamorous, you don’t just have to navigate the feelings of one partner, you have to consider the needs of multiple. This can prove challenging when you’re self-isolating with one lover and not the other(s). It can be even worse when you’re the one who’s self-isolating alone. Or, like with Simon, the dynamics grow complicated when all parties are suddenly together 24/7, an abrupt change in pre-COVID-19 boundaries. ...

...Simon also made clear that Jack doesn’t speak on his behalf. Jack had mentioned something about the “three of us forever,” which frightened Alex, especially since they’d all been dating only six months before the quarantine. Simon iterated that he... knows their relationship with Jack might not stand the test of time.

...“From the beginning of the pandemic, things got really complicated for me and my other long-term partner,” says Jessica, 29. She’d... decided to self-isolate with the partner she’d been with for three and a half years and not the partner of nine months.

“We had this incredibly sad and difficult day where we went for a walk, not touching and maintaining six-feet distance the whole time. I told him that, because of the quarantine, I was going to be ‘flu-bonded’ to my primary partner.”

...Daniel, 37, is self-isolating in the Caribbean with one of his primary partners, Josh, 28, who he’s been seriously dating for three years. They flew there for a music festival in early March and decided to stay. While isolating abroad, Josh and Daniel grew closer, though Daniel still says his romantic life is in shambles. Two of his partners back in New York City have contracted COVID-19, one of whom is a mother of two children. While he tries his best to check in on all of his partners regularly, he feels helpless; they’re sick with a potentially life-threatening illness, and there’s nothing he can do from hundreds of miles away. ...

● Eli Sheff, on her long-running Psychology Today blog The Polyamorists Next Door: Polyamorous During the Pandemic (April 21). Kinda states the obvious, but....

This is the first in a series about polyamory and COVID-19, and it addresses the advantages and disadvantages of being polyamorous during a pandemic.

Advantages

...More social support during a difficult time. ... This includes not only intimate partners, but more importantly the larger network of non-sexual polyaffective relationships that make up the web of relationships that Koe Creation named a polycule.

Many of the other benefits depend on residential status....

Living Separately

These poly folks already have the skills in place to stay connected with each other, even when they are physically remote. ...

Living Together

Most obviously, it can be more fun to be on lockdown with a built-in crew for board games, cooking, socializing, and support. Social isolating with more people is less isolating!

...Having more grownups around to help wrangle the kids who are home all day. ...

...Pooling resources... Residential polycules with multiple incomes might have more financial resilience if one partner loses a job. ...

Disadvantages

...The polycule... is vulnerable to infection both because of its large size and its permeability. ...

Living Separately

...Seeing the other person on a screen ... can be especially unsatisfying for lovers who really miss each others’ touch.

...Being prohibited from visiting can stir up issues of relationship power and hierarchies....

Living Together

...Being cooped up together can be incredibly painful for people who are having conflict with their partner(s). ... People who are anxious and afraid (and who isn’t right now?) tend to fall back on less healthy behaviors or relationship patterns. ... Worldwide there has been a rise in intimate partner violence....

...Inability to control others visiting each other during the lockdown. The resulting controversy... is so contentious that it [will require] another blog.

● On Mashable, What It's Like To Be Polyamorous During The Coronavirus Quarantine (April 19):

By Anna Iovine

...This is a question posed on the #PolyProblems Tumblr page, one of several in a post titled "Pandemic Poly Problems." ... Can you have phone sex with one partner while another is in the room? What if the partners don't know each other well?

Vicky Leta / Mashable

...There are four types of dynamics going on right now, according to relationship coach Effy Blue: People staying at home with partners but separated from others; people separated from all their partners; those polycules who decided to come together under one roof; and solo polyamorous people living alone.

...Ashley Ray, a comedian in Los Angeles, is solo polyamorous and has been since 2013. "Even, for me, given that background, I've really been struggling," she said. "If you're like me, you're going insane and you're just trying to video chat everyone you can. ... I did have one partner who very much wanted to detail the fun crazy quarantined sex he and his partner are having," she said, "and I was just like, 'Come on, you gotta shut up.'"

...Steve Dean, online dating consultant at Dateworking.com, a dating coaching and consulting business, told Mashable that he's staying at home with one partner and communicating with others virtually. ... In some cases, Dean said, social distancing has brought him closer with other partners, even those who even in normal circumstances live in different countries. "If anything, now that I have fewer things going on, every night I have more time that I can set aside for intentional heart-to-hearts and virtual chats with partners who are abroad."

Polycules living in one home, too, can have their own issues. They may be dealing with dynamics they never had to before and different distributions of labor. ... "There's a lot of work to be done there," said Blue. If relationship issues had previously gone avoided, they're bubbling up to the surface now. "People feel like they have time to talk about things without feeling like it has to be solved then and there," she said, "Because there's a sense that we're all going to be here for awhile." ...

...How it plays out will vary from person to person, but Blue believes that longtime, established polyamorous relationships will fare just fine. She compared them to lava lamps: frequently morphing and changing within an established framework.

Read on; it's much longer.


● A gripping narrative on The Greatist: I’m Polyamorous and I Don’t Live with My Partner — Here’s How We Cope During Quarantine (April 19):

By Gabrielle Smith

It’s the Sunday morning before Mayor de Blasio orders all the restaurants in NYC to close. I wake up and check my phone. I’m groggy from a late night of bartending, and it takes me a few moments to register the text that my boyfriend, A, has sent me. Woke up with a high fever. You should consider canceling your plans and self-isolating.

My heart drops. OK. Breathe, I tell myself to control the sudden spike of anxiety. I inform my roommate of the situation. I cancel my dates for the week. ... A’s messages begin to peter out — and then I start hearing from his wife.

Brittany England

Getting texts from her isn’t abnormal. ... We operate in this fluid cell of communication, regular STD testing, and combined Google calendars, all with the idea that our love can be shared with more than one person — and, often, with each other. ... The first time B and I were alone together, she gave me a note of reassurance.

“I really like you for him,” she said. “He always comes back so happy after seeing you.”

B’s texts to me now are composed of status updates.

...I’m only in the next neighborhood. Five stops and 15 minutes of travel could take me there. But I don’t move. ...

● In the alt-weekly Chicago Reader. Polyamory during a pandemic (April 21):

By S. Nicole Lane

...For many folks, their partnerships are evolving day by day as social distancing shifts to the new normal and shelter-in-place circumstances disrupt poly formations. Polycules, constellations, and networks are all navigating the pandemic in various ways, and each has their own unique set of boundaries.

Navigating a partnership shift this invasive (and global) requires incessant communication. Starting a healthy conversation of limitations, needs, wants, and concerns is imperative when several people are involved. ... For some polycules, physical touch and intimacy may have to take a back seat for the foreseeable future. This is, of course, a strain on any relationship. Developing a plan is essential when sketching out what a pandemic polycule will look like. Technology, virtual dates, social media, and video chats are all ways to stay connected and intimate.

...Apps like Hinge have launched [online] "date-from-home" features.... For poly folks looking to seek out new crushes, this is a cute and accessible way to continue dating (and still stay isolated). However, for folks in long-term partnerships, the pandemic has introduced considerable circumstantial changes.

"I haven't seen any of my other partners for like four weeks now. We've been experimenting with remote dating," says Dee*, a Skokie resident.... Dating while isolating consists of calls, voice chats (using a program called Discord), movie nights through Netflix Party, and a few dates through Animal Crossing. Dee is currently living with her spouse, who is immunocompromised, and because Dee is seeing three other partners, she finds that strictly quarantining themselves has been the best decision. Dee and her partners practice kitchen-table polyamory, which is when all people know one another and are friends with one another. Metamours—a term that refers to your partner's partner—are all friends when practicing kitchen-table polyamory (the term is inspired by the idea that everyone in the polycule is seated together at a kitchen table). For Dee, this type of practice has been helpful while quarantined. "It's been nice having my whole polycule as a support network. We've all been able to look out for each other and those of us who are healthier/lower risk can shop for each other."

...A text conversation between two members of a poly couple shows just what kind of anxieties can occur.

Steven* and Sylvia* have been together for three years and are navigating the pandemic one day at a time. Steven has been with his nesting partner for ten years, and Sylvia, being a solo poly, has been dating a new partner for four months. "When the stay-at-home order came in, my nesting partner and I had a brief discussion that we would still see each other's partners as long as everyone was comfortable with it and ensure that we would limit as much as possible interactions outside of our 'pod' and be safe when doing so," says Steven.

Steven, his nesting partner, and their metamours are all able to work from home during isolation, but Sylvia is still working some reduced hours. At first, Steven says he had few concerns about seeing Sylvia because she was taking the proper precautions to protect herself. However, after Sylvia listened to a Dan Savage podcast that discussed the topic of dating during a pandemic, she became increasingly concerned. After hearing Savage's advice for folks not to see their partners if they don't live with them, Sylvia's views on things shifted. ... "The biggest difficulty I have been facing lately is that I am still required to work on-site at my office," she says. "Although we have less than ten people currently working in our office, and we are doing everything in our power to keep our workspace and our protocols as safe and clean as possible, I still feel that I act as the biggest threat to my partners' health as they both work from where they have been sheltering in place for nearly a month.

"After having many lengthy conversations and despite knowing the risk, both of my partners, in addition to my partner's live-in partner, have all been adamant that they would still like to see me," she says.

Having lost 75 percent of her income, her mental health has suffered. "My long-term partner has stepped up immensely and has been there for me when I have needed reassurance and emotional support; both he and his live-in partner have been like family to me through this experience...."

Rae McDaniel, a certified sex therapist and founder of Practical Audacity, says... "Alternative ways of connecting simply may not completely meet your needs. And that's OK." They say there should be an acknowledgment "that we are going through collective withdrawal and grief about not being able to be with everyone that we love.... Being forced to isolate from communities of friends and lovers alike can be extremely difficult when community is a main source of connection, meaning, and a feeling of belonging.

"...Socially distant walks can be a nice way to connect and get some fresh air at the same time. There's also the old-school love letter."...

● A followup to last week's piece about best practices for online sex parties, Eros in Isolation (by Mischa Byruck on Medium): Forbes now has a story on the growth of these all over, happening on various platforms in case Zoom and GetVokl get stuffy about hosting them: Even Sex Parties Have Moved Online As People Turn To Cybersex During Lockdown (April 16). For instance, Forbes mentions events on the poly-oriented dating site Feeld.


● Lastly: We finally have a date when the BBC's poly love series Trigonometry will become watchable in the US: May 27, when the new streaming service HBO Max becomes available to HBO subscribers (no additional charge).

A new review of Trigonometry just appeared in a binge-watch guide in The Guardian, UK edition: 'Trigonometry shows that polyamory is about love': Paapa Essiedu's lockdown TV (April 23)

Actor/director Paapa Essiedu,
"bingeing British"
 

...An excellent eight-part drama about a couple who both fall in love with their lodger; it is like any other love story, just with an added element that makes it a little bit more extraordinary. The writing is fantastic, it is beautifully shot in an otherworldly style, and the three central performances are wicked — there’s so much chemistry between the three of them. It draws you in as a viewer, and shows you the reality of polyamory in a non-judgmental, unsensational way.

Trigonometry's Ray, Kieran, and Gemma 

I recently directed a play on the same theme called Either and, as part of the research, I got the actors to watch Louis Theroux’s documentary Altered States: Love Without Limits, which makes [polyamory] sound like the most wild, hypersexual outskirts-of-society type existence. It is often seen as something really taboo and extreme; you don’t often see the idea of love being like a central pillar of that world or those relationships. I think that is what Trigonometry does that’s so brilliant: it teases out love as the thing that challenges and pushes and glues together these three characters along this journey.

[It illustrates] just how important and how brilliant British television can be.

That's Friday Polynews Roundup for now! See you next Friday, unless something big happens sooner.

Send me good stuff if you see it: alan7388 (at) gmail.com.

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Reviews are in for new polyam TV series 'Trigonometry'

Gary Carr, Thalissa Teixeira, and Ariane Labed play Trigonometry's Kieran, Gemma, and Ray.

 
Reviews are arriving for the BBC's new 8-part TV series "Trigonometry," which premiered last night in the UK. It's due to air in North America on HBO, start date not yet announced.

● The Telegraph, a Conservative paper, gives the show a four-out-of-five-star rating: Trigonometry review: less a controversial drama about polyamory than a lovely study of relationships (March 16, 2020. Paywalled.)

By Anita Singh

To begin with, you think you know what Trigonometry (BBC Two) is going to be. There’s what we might term a solo sex scene in the first 10 minutes, with Gemma (Thalissa Teixeira) watching porn while waiting for boyfriend Kieran (Gary Carr) to get home. ...

But what we got was something unexpected: a quite lovely study of relationships and all the messiness that real life entails, disarming in its moments of sweetness. There was one lyrical scene, in which the camera tracked Gemma and Kieran as they walked through the flat, that played out like a piece of modern dance.

I don’t mean to make it sound pretentious. The drama is very much grounded in reality, albeit a hipster kind of reality where Gemma and Kieran hang out with drag queens and live in a flat with 1970s styling. She has opened a café, he is a paramedic. Gemma is the impulsive one who jokingly refers to their relationship as a “six-year hetero-blip”, Kieran is more laid-back and conventional. I’m not sure they’d make it this far outside the confines of a fictional drama. They needed to rent out the spare room to help pay the mortgage and so into their lives came Ray (Ariana Labed), a former Olympian synchronised swimmer whose career was wrecked by an accident. Soon all three were making eyes at each other.

It would have been easy to take a subject like this and go down the salacious route, but by the end of the second episode the trio hadn’t even kissed. Instead, we’re given time to get acquainted with the characters. The three leads gave natural performances that at times felt semi-improvised – Labed in particular draws you in – and the chemistry between them crackles. It feels like a show you can slowly fall in love with.

● The liberal Guardian had an interview with the actress who plays Ray: 'It's not just "We’ll watch them having sex"': Trigonometry's Ariane Labed on the polyamory drama (March 15)

By Ammar Kalia

Sunday nights on the BBC are usually the time for easy viewing.... This weekend, though, there is an altogether different type of entertainment on offer. Trigonometry is the sex-laden tale of a thrupple which develops when Ray, a Frenchwoman who is a newcomer to London, moves into the cramped flat of cash-strapped couple Gemma and Kieran.

The series begins with a Black Swan-style synchronised swimming contest gone wrong, an interrupted bout of masturbation and an argument. And that’s all in the first five minutes. This is bracing TV to make you sit up on your sofa.

“The show isn’t us just going, ‘Here’s a thrupple and we’ll watch them having sex together’,” says Trigonometry’s star Ariane Labed, who plays the French interloper in her first TV role. “There’s no judgment here – we want the audience to just be accepting of their love and not questioning morality because it’s clearly love first.”

No fit for the bureaucracy: a scene from episode 7

 
...Filming eight episodes of Trigonometry over four months, Labed had to adjust to the snappy pace of television. “It was so fast I remember thinking: ‘I don’t have time to learn my lines, since they’re all in English,’” she laughs. “...We had to adapt – that’s why the camera is always moving, so [filmmaker Athina] could shoot up close and give a sense of our growing closeness, as well as film multiple takes together.” One of the most striking examples of this is used in a bathroom scene where the three lovers are trying to wash glitter off themselves after a night out; the camera continually cuts to their longing gazes for each other’s bodies, honing in on the tense intimacy that develops in this least romantic of locations.

“We don’t see enough portrayals of authentic female desire on screen,” Labed says. “What I love about Trigonometry is that sexuality and sex is seen as light, cheerful and clumsy. It’s not like suddenly the light changes and now it’s a sex scene and everything starts to be weird and serious.”

...“We all had a great connection on Trignometry,” Labed says. “It was easy to be generous with each other as Athina has this wonderful approach to the sex scenes where she doesn’t make a big deal out of it, but it’s always very choreographed. Everybody involved is respectful and everybody cares; when it’s like that, it’s very easy. We didn’t need an intimacy coordinator, because of that....”

● The reviewer at RadioTimes (which has paid attention to this series since it was announced) was disappointed, perhaps because of his being glaringly couple-centric: BBC Two’s polyamory drama doesn’t measure up (March 15)

By David Craig

BBC Two’s Trigonometry lives up to its name in the sense that it can be confusing and sometimes a bit dull. The series explores the friendship between three thirty-somethings as it gradually evolves into a polyamorous romance. Emphasis on gradually.

This eight-part series is a very slow burn and from a certain perspective you can understand why. After all, it would be easy to jump straight in and tell this story with all the subtlety of a tabloid exposé. Admirably, Trigonometry goes in the opposite direction.

The show spends a lot of time setting up its three central characters and putting them on their plodding collision course. There’s a palpable sense that the filmmakers want this relationship to feel truly authentic, like something that could happen to anyone in the right circumstances. But it doesn’t.

Gemma and Kieran

...The issue with this arrangement is twofold. First, while Ray is a kind and thoughtful person, it’s hard to imagine why a couple would completely upheave their life for her. For one thing she’s unbearably naive, frequently displaying an almost childlike innocence that you would think might get tedious.

Second, the crucial element of this arrangement is that Kieran, Gemma and Ray all love each other completely equally. Except it doesn’t really feel that way. From the outset, Gemma shows significantly more interest in Ray than Kieran does. It seems to contradict the idea that the addition of a third party doesn’t detract from their long-standing connection. ... The script goes round in circles trying to explain this issue away, but only succeeds in deteriorating Gemma and Kieran’s individuality. ...

It isn’t much more entertaining than scrolling through Instagram posts from your coupled-up friends. Sure, you’re happy for them but you don’t need to know every tiny detail.

My diagnosis of that problem, and also of the slowness of Season 1 in the US polyamory series "You Me Her": Each show thinks the audience needs way too much explaining of how such a relationship could possibly even come to exist, dragging on for way too many episodes. Get over it, TV producers! If you're going to do a polyfamily series, dive right in and present the family as a given from day one. People get that now.

And if you guys don't grasp how successful nesting polycules naturally work — with their joys and dramas and failings and their endless talky processing (a gold mine for humor if there ever was one; think "Big Bang Theory") — then get the eff out of the way and hire writers who do.

What could make a mass-market smash of a polyfamily dramedy?

Picture a big old Victorian house in a fairly hip city, full of clutter and cats and six adults embroiled in an ever-morphing constellation of mutual relationships, with lots of kitchen-table angst and hilarity and oversharing among metamours. Add a couple of super-precocious kids and a baby, weirded-out (or over-eager) friends and neighbors, older relatives visiting from Peoria in various states of cluelessness that requires impromptu closeting (and here come the kid-blurts) — make them quirky and mostly-lovable, and hey, you'd have the makings of "Big Bang Theory"-level success.

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Friday Polynews Roundup — The dam bursts for poly on TV, what we offer everyone, when to stay away, and planted seeds are sprouting

It's Friday Polynews Roundup — for February 14, 2020.

Happy Val's Day. So many poly-in-the-media items poured in this week that I can't keep up. Therefore I'm holding everything that even contains the word "Valentine" for later. Even so, settle in for a long read (or a long skim).

● The dam bursts for poly on TV.  Way back in 2006, Reid Mihalko came within an inch, he said, of selling HBO on a dramedy series to be called "Polly and Marie" (say it fast). A short pilot was made, but HBO backed off for fear of advertisers' fears. "There's a lot of interest in getting this [topic] on TV," Reid told an audience at the 2009 Poly Living conference, "but nobody is quite biting, because nobody knows if the advertisers will want it. It's kind of happening, but you don't see it yet, because it's not on the air yet."

And so it went for several more years. The TV industry was well aware of the dramatic potential of modern, egalitarian polyamorous bonding, and its ability to grab viewers' attention, but they didn't quite dare. The first forays were carefully distanced from mainstream America by setting them in Mormon polygamy: first fictionally ("Big Love," starting in 2006), then in real life ("Sister Wives," 2010).

Now the dam is finally bursting, as regular readers here know; see my recent posts tagged TV (they include this post; scroll down).

The latest example aired night before last (Feb. 12), and within hours People magazine was on top of it: HGTV Features Its First-Ever Throuple on House Hunters: 'Representation Matters' (Feb. 13):

Geli, Lori and Bryan

By Gabrielle Chung

With 17 seasons under its belt, House Hunters made HGTV history on Wednesday when it featured its first throuple — three people in a polyamorous romantic relationship — on one of its episodes.

Titled “Three’s Not a Crowd in Colorado Springs,” the episode followed Brian, Lori and Geli on a quest to find their dream house in Colorado.

The trio wanted to find a new home that will accommodate their unique dynamic as well as provide space for Brian and Lori’s two children.

As with any episode of House Hunters, the family came armed with a list of must-haves for their new residence, including a three-car garage and a master bathroom that will accommodate three people.

At one point in the episode, Lori remarked about the lack of space in one house they were touring, saying, “This is a couple’s kitchen, not a throuple’s kitchen.”

...The episode ended with the family choosing a house above their budget as they all loved its view of the surrounding mountain.

However, viewers had a lot more to say about their relationship than their new home. Many House Hunter fans praised HGTV on social media for being so “progressive” and “educational” about the relationship dynamics of a throuple.

“Oh my god. A throuple on House Hunters,” Bad Feminist author Roxane Gay tweeted. “Great episode!!!! Educational.”

“HGTV really might be the most progressive show on TV. About to watch a polyamory couple fight over a house!” one Twitter user wrote. “Honestly I feel like I learned a lot #HouseHunters”

“literally perfect television,” a third tweeted, while another user applauded HGTV for “STORMING into 2020.”

Fans also came to Brian, Lori and Geli’s defense following the broadcast.

“Wow, shocked that this house hunters episode not only showed a poly relationship, but they called them a throuple the whole episode and outright said the women were bisexual. Guess we gotta stan!” one wrote on Twitter.

“This throuple on house hunters… good for them 🙂” another tweeted. “representation matters.”

Update: Stories remarking on the episode — positively! — have also just appeared on USA Today, Newsweek, the queer Out Front magazine, and The Daily Wire.


● An important upcoming TV series. "Trigonometry" is an 8-episode series about a poly triad that will air on HBO Max and BBC TV later this year. The production company has just put out a 1-minute trailer. The Hollywood news site Deadline has this to say (Feb. 10):

The "Trigonometry" triad at home

 
‘Trigonometry’: First Trailer For Berlin-Bound Series From House Productions, BBC & HBO Max

...Directed by Athina Rachel Tsangari (Attenberg) and Stella Corradi (On The Edge), the show will air on BBC in the UK and HBO Max in the US. Writers are Duncan Macmillan and Effie Woods. BBC Studios is handling international distribution.

Set in crowded, expensive London, the series follows a cash-strapped couple who open their small apartment to a third person, discovering a new way to live – and love – in the process.

...House Productions’ joint CEO’s Tessa Ross and Juliette Howell told us, “We are absolutely thrilled that the first five episodes of Trigonometry will be premiering in the Berlinale Series this year. Trigonometry is a warm, funny and emotionally truthful drama about modern relationships that has been brought to life in such a beautiful way by our cast Ariane Labed, Gary Carr and Thalissa Teixeira.

“The trio take us on a modern day journey of the different faces of modern love. Duncan Macmillan and Effie Woods’ exquisite scripts have been beautifully realised by our two hugely talented and award-winning directors, Athina Rachel Tsangari (who directed episodes 1 – 5) and Stella Corradi (who directed episodes 6 – 8), to give a truly special show....”

Air dates have not been announced.


● Moving on, one subgenre of poly in the media is bubbly articles about the lessons our movement and our values offer monogamous couples. A new one of these appeared this week in Business Insider: 5 lessons on jealousy and romance that couples can learn from their friends in non-monogamous relationships (Feb. 8).

Consensual non-monogamy [now or in your past] is as common as [currently] owning a cat. (Dougal Waters / Getty) 

 
By Jessica Stillman

About one in five Americans have engaged in some sort of consensual non-monogamy, or CNM, in their lifetimes — it's about as common as owning a cat, researchers say.

The ways that CNM emphasizes communication can be instructive for singles as well as people in other kinds of relationships. The process of differentiation — or knowing who you are and how you're different from your partner — is another big factor in CNM that can help just about everyone.

...The umbrella term of "consensual non-monogamy" covers everything from the casual sex of swingers to the loving, long-term relationships of polyamorists. If it involves more than two people, sex or love, and everyone has consented, then it's CNM.

...[Says] Heath Schechinger, a UC Berkeley psychologist and co-chair of the American Psychological Association's task force on CNM. "You likely have friends and colleagues who are doing this, but you just don't know about it."

"Comparison studies looking at all of the gold standards for measuring relationship quality — relationship satisfaction, sexual satisfaction, duration of the relationship, communication, etc. — show that consensually non-monogamous relationships perform equal or better than monogamous relationships," Schechinger said.

...CNM relationships tend to have unique habits that many folks involved in traditional monogamous pairings could benefit from.

1. They favor direct communication over standard scripts

Every expert agrees that non-monogamy is a communication-heavy lifestyle. ... The key lesson for others... is the fact that everything is on the table. Rather than blindly following traditional expectations for relationships, which experts refer to as relationship "scripts," non-monogamous couples tend to explicitly hash out and agree on how to run all aspects of their lives.

"Non-monogamy forces you to learn how to communicate openly and honestly with your partner(s) about awkward things, because otherwise it just doesn't work. There is no default script to fall back on. You have to define what you are doing for yourself," said Carrie Jenkins, a philosopher at the University of British Columbia and author of What Love Is and What It Could Be. "But the thing is, everyone should be defining what they're doing for themselves."

2. Fire needs oxygen to burn

...Constant closeness suffocates attraction, as well as your sense of individuality and freedom. Because of the variety built into their arrangements, non-monogamous couples often find it easier to "oxygenate" their relationships.

"Successful non-monogamous couples become good at having separate individual lives and interests, true to their own nature," explained psychotherapist Wayne Scott, who is himself in an open marriage. "People need to have independent interests and passions and experiences — it gives them richer lives and can even make them more interesting to their spouses." The term therapists use for this process is "differentiation."...

3. It takes a village

..."Non-monogamous relationships tend to challenge a little bit more the notion that we necessarily have to meet all of our partner's needs," Schechinger said. "Expecting one person to be our best friend, our lover, companion, our co-parent, can put a significant amount of pressure on the relationship."...

Whether or not you're up for opening your relationship, this principle holds. It's healthy to look to a broader base of friends, relatives, and community members rather than just your spouse.

4. Jealousy is a prompt for self-examination

According to a 2017 study, polyamorists actually experience less jealousy than the conventionally paired. Partly that may be because those who are less inclined to jealousy are drawn towards CNM, but the non-monogamous also tend to conceive of and process jealousy differently. ...

For many traditional couples jealousy is a problem out there. It stems from bad behavior on the part of one partner.... Those who practice non-monogamy more often speak of jealousy as an internal issue, something in here. They see jealousy as a symptom of insecurity or anxiety that should be handled by introspection to identify the cause and identify better ways to cope.

5. Thoughtful transitions beat messy breakups

With the messiness of infidelity largely off the table thanks to rules and communication, non-monogamous relationships often evolve rather than explode. The sexual spark might fizzle, for instance, but a couple will agree to move on to being co-parents and friends without recrimination or over-the-top drama.

...This process of self-discovery and negotiation isn't just for polyamorists, it's something that truly any relationship can benefit from.

● Another in the genre, from Insider: Polyamorous people are often experts at coping with relationship jealousy — here are some of their tips, by Julia Naftulin and Canela López (Feb. 6). The tips in brief:

Jason Boyd, 33, said acknowledging jealous feelings rather than ignoring them helps. ...

Audria O'Neill, a woman who used to be in a monogamous marriage, suggested talking about boundaries as early as possible....

O'Neill also suggested looking inwards to understand the root of your jealousy....

Kayla Lords said journaling helps her get in touch with her emotions and process them in a healthy way....

Lords also said active listening and a willingness to be vulnerable can help make jealousy-related conversations productive learning experiences....

Tara Skubella said getting to know her primary partner's other partner made her feel more secure and empathetic....

Lola Phoenix, a London-based writer, said it's important to set boundaries in your relationship to minimize jealousy. Set boundaries based on your needs, not societal expectations....

Krystal Baugher, a Colorado-based writer, said it's important to take care of yourself first before engaging with a partner....

Hailey Gill, 26, has practiced polyamory since high school and said communication about new partners is key between them and their husband....

In the last five years, I've spotlighted several dozen such articles on what we offer mono folks. Start with this latest roundup, which contains links to the previous five batches. And a pile more await my working up.


● Yahoo Lifestyle this week ran a fine little intro to the commonest poly structure. They picked it up from PureWow ("beauty, food, wellness, family"): What Is a Triad Relationship? (And What Are the Rules of Engagement?) (Feb. 8). It's a one-source quickie, with its quality coming from marriage and family therapist Rachel D. Miller in Chicago.

...Think of it as a subset of polyamory. But not all triads are the same. Miller tells us that triads can take various forms....

So why would people form this relationship?

That’s kind of like asking any couple why they’re together — there are myriad reasons for consensual non-monogamy: love, lust, convenience, stability, etc. “Truthfully,” Miller explains, “the reason people form them is often unique to the people involved, but what they have in common is an openness to a nontraditional way to love and be in a relationship.” Here are few of the reasons behind a triad relationship she’s heard over the years:

1. A couple felt like their union was overflowing with love, and they wanted to share that with another person.

2. Polyamory felt like an orientation rather than a choice, so a dyad was never part of their vision for a relationship.

3. A person fell in love with two different people and wanted to maintain relationships with both, and everyone involved was in agreement about the arrangement.

4. A friend of a couple became more than a friend for one or both partners, and they decided as a unit to expand the relationship to include all of them.

5. A couple wanted to add some spice to their sex life and, in doing so, discovered another person they connected with on a multitude of levels.

What are the dynamics of a triad relationship?

...Some common denominators of a healthy triad include genuine love and caring for all involved, large support systems (this can be emotional, financial, etc.) and a desire to remain open to all the types of love that present in their lives. Miller elaborates that within any poly or consensually non-monogamous relationship, the things that need to be present are ongoing consent and the power and ability to renegotiate the terms in order for all members to get what they need from the relationship.

What challenges do people in nontraditional relationships face?

...Per Miller, “Society is set up to support traditional ideas around marriage — e.g., only two people in the relationship can be protected by legal marital status.” The implications of this can can leave one member of a triad feeling less secure or that they have less power within the relationship. The fix? Like any relationship: good communication and open dialogue.

● Does mediocre, flawed media coverage ever do us any good?

Well, remember that much-criticized New York Times Sunday Magazine cover story, Is an Open Marriage a Happier Marriage? Its answer was "Often yes," but let's not even get into its poor representation and other stuff.

Nevertheless, on the opposite side of the continent, a student noticed it lying on a library table. It changed her life. Three years later comes her story in The Martlet, the student newspaper of the University of Victoria in British Columbia, A venture into non-monogamy (Feb. 10):

By Darian Lee

...[The NY Times Magazine lying on the table] was the first time I had heard of anything besides monogamy, and after reading the article I decided that I wanted to open up my relationship.

Darian Lee

The whole situation of asking my partner was nerve wracking. I’ve never been good with words, so I came up with a genius plan to avoid rejection and actually communicating. I’d just point out the magazine, opened to the feature, and said, “Hey, this is kinda interesting, right,” to gauge his response. He glanced at it, shrugged, and started talking about something else.

Plan A failed, so ... I just blurted out “I want to open our relationship!” and waited anxiously for a response. He said that we shouldn’t, and the disappointment crushed me. He explained it was because we weren’t good at communicating. After that, we didn’t talk much for a bit....

...I started following the “UVic Confessions & Crushes” Facebook page. A common theme in the posts was being torn between partners, and many users commented messages along the lines of “monogamy is flawed.” I decided to give it another go and propose non-monogamy to my partner again. We had grown up so much together since then and could finally communicate openly and honestly, and I actually had the words to clearly express what I wanted and why. This time, my proposal was met with enthusiasm, and I was overjoyed!

The first step was to define the terms of our relationship. We did some research and found that the idea of an “open relationship” didn’t actually line up with what I wanted. An open relationship generally refers to a relationship where you have a main partner, and are sexually non-monogamous. As a hopeless romantic, I wanted to experience all the lovey-dovey fun stuff of dating and share intimate bonds with other people. In this case, “polyamory” seemed to be the better label for our situation.

Now came the hard part: actually meeting other people. ...

Spoilers coming.

I’ve learned to combat jealousy (something I’ve always struggled with) and express how I feel in a way that I’ve never been challenged to do in the past. My partner has also grown emotionally and so far this experience has had a positive impact on our relationship, contrary to the doubt conveyed by friends. My biggest takeaway from this experience so far is that with a lot of communication and honesty, as well as getting to know oneself better, non-monogamy can really work and not damage your pre-existing relationships.

My advice is to make sure you have very open communication in the first place, and to do plenty of research regarding what you want so you can be clear-cut with how you’re feeling. I’ve met plenty of people here in Victoria who are in a variety of non-traditional relationships, so it’s not as unusual as I would have thought, and it really helped to know this to feel comfortable telling others. Hopefully, sharing my experience can have the same effect on anyone considering this.

Pass it forward.


● An open marriage sometimes manages to work in a much more traditional, old-school context. This week in the Brisbane Times and other Australian newspapers in its chain, Non-monogamy has been the real secret to our happy 37-year marriage (online Feb. 8, in the Sunday print edition Feb. 9)

By Anonymous

...Whatever John was up to, or not up to, it was ruining my life and it hit me that I didn’t have to let it. I couldn’t change him, but I could change myself.

...In her new book, A Happy Life in an Open Relationship, sex and relationship therapist Susan Wenzel argues that it is possible to have a happy, open marriage, provided you develop trust and communication skills, set healthy boundaries and overcome jealousy.

...None of this was in my mind on my wedding morning in 1982. ...

● Confusion when different people may think the word means different things. The Dear Abby advice column appearing in newspapers this week fields a parent's question: Was teen daughter’s response to boy’s sexuality ‘shaming’? But did the boy, the girl, the mom, or Dear Abby know what each other were talking about?

DEAR ABBY: I’ve got a new one for you. My beautiful 16-year-old daughter was interested in a boy her age from school. He was interested in her, too. He told her he wanted to date her, but that he is “polyamorous” and would be dating many girls simultaneously. She told him he’s too young to know what he is yet, and he was just using it as an excuse to date multiple girls, and she wasn’t interested.

...He has been acting very hurt, pouty and angry. He told a mutual friend he is “deeply hurt” [that] he came out to my daughter and that she won’t accept him as he is. I’m worried this will escalate, and he will claim that she shamed him for this.

Abby, I am all about supporting how people self-identify, but this is absolutely ridiculous....

— NOT FUNNY IN COLORADO

DEAR NOT FUNNY: That boy is sulking because his pitch didn’t sell. Polyamory is the practice of openly engaging in multiple intimate relationships with the consent of ALL the people involved. What that boy may have meant was he enjoys “playing the field.” Your daughter didn’t discriminate; she showed good common sense. ...

● There's still no good dating app for non-monogamous people, says Mashable in substantial and useful detail (Feb. 6). If you're on the dating market, read this.


● Sometimes the obvious needs to be restated and explained in detail. Here's Elisabeth Sheff's When Consensual Non-Monogamy Won't Work for Monogamous Folks. "3 things that make CNM unrealistic or excruciating for monogamous people" (Feb. 11).

Because public awareness of CNM is expanding in the US and abroad, people who never considered it before are suddenly becoming aware of the polyamorous possibility. For some, this opens exciting new relational vistas of multiple partner bliss. But for others, especially deeply monogamous people, this boom in the practice and awareness of CNM is uncomfortable at best and tragic at worst.

Both my research findings and my relationship coaching practice have demonstrated repeatedly that non-monogamy is not a good fit for everyone. CNM is, however, the right thing for a significant minority of the population. Research indicates that at least 20% (estimates range from a low of 21.2% to a high of 32%) of people have some lifetime experience with consensual nonmonogamy, and 4 to 5% are currently in CNM relationships. That means CNM is far more widespread than previously thought, and people in the US are thinking and talking about it a lot more than they used to. This... can feel like pressure to the other approximately 80% who practice monogamy (usually serial monogamy), cheat, or remain single.

Flickr

There are at least three factors that make CNM completely unworkable for some people....

Don’t Want CNM....

Don’t Like to Share....

Monogamous by Orientation....

...People have deep and unchanging sexual and relational characteristics. Everyone’s ability to express their innate sex/relationship characteristics is shaped by society with differing degrees of approval and stigma. Changing these deep personality structures is difficult to impossible, as the discrediting of gay conversion therapy demonstrates. ...

● At the University of Chicago, as reported in the Chicago Maroon, Visiting Professor Criticizes "Compulsory Monogamy" as a Creation of the "Settler-Colonial System" (Feb. 12).

By Chloe Brettmann

On Monday [Feb. 10], University of Alberta Associate Professor of Native Studies Kim TallBear spoke as part of an event organized by the Chicago Center for Contemporary Theory. Her lecture, “Settler Love Is Breaking My Heart,” explored the constructs and structures of “compulsory monogamy” as a tool for the colonization of indigenous peoples, and how “more than monogamous” relationships are a tool for decolonization and restitution of indigenous ways of life. ...

Briefly:

● #PolyBlackHistory Month continues. See what's going on at the hashtag, and maybe contribute!

● Emma Carnes at the University of North Texas is preparing a thesis on polyamory and the law. "I am examining the relationships between polyamorous people and their attorneys (CNM-friendly or otherwise), what legal barriers exist for poly people, what legal changes would enhance their lives, and how this differs based on lines of gender/class/race/ethnicity." She needs to interview more people about their experiences. "All data will be de-identified to protect the identity of participants. Please feel free to reach out if you have any questions." Email EmmaCarnes@my.unt.edu .

Whew! All that in less than a week.

Till next time...

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Friday Polynews Roundup — TV series 'Trigonometry' in prep about a loving triad; a 3-way wedding... and darker sides

It's Friday Polynews Roundup time! — for December 20, 2019.

● Trigonometry "is a love story about three people who are made for each other," BBC Two has announced. Sounds promising! The 8-episode TV series has been in the works for two years, it's nearing completion, and it will air in the UK in 2020 (no dates yet). We can hope it will also become available worldwide for the rest of us.

The Trigonometry stars, Gemma, Kieron and Ray

Yesterday, RadioTimes.com ("the UK’s fastest growing TV and entertainment website") published Exclusive: BBC Two polyamory drama Trigonometry reveals first-look pictures (Dec. 14, 2019). Only the stills there are new; the BBC issued a press release about the show's selection two years ago (BBC Two announces new drama series Trigonometry by Duncan Macmillan and Effie Woods, Oct. 4, 2017) and another about the cast choices six months ago (Cast announced for new BBC Two drama Trigonometry, June 14, 2019). This text is from those, the pix below are from RadioTimes:

...In crowded and expensive London, cash-strapped couple Gemma (Teixeira) and Kieran (Carr) open their small apartment to a third person. Somehow, their new addition, Ray (Labed), makes the flat seem bigger, not smaller. Gradually, many things become easier, nicer and better with an extra pair of hands.

Trigonometry has emotional and psychological truthfulness at its heart. Funny and full of sexual tension, Gemma and Kieran have everything to lose. As this unusual relationship becomes unavoidable, the trio approach it with the prudence of people in their 30s. Is it possible to love in a different way? But even when common sense, friends and family are telling them that this complicated relationship is doomed, Gemma, Kieran and Ray simply can’t be apart....

Piers Wenger, Controller of BBC Drama, says: "Duncan and Effie’s unique and beautiful scripts demanded three extraordinary, honest and fearless actors to play their leads. And I am delighted that in Gary, Thalissa and Ariane, they have met their sweethearts."

...Thalissa Teixeira says: "I'm totally overwhelmed by all of it, the scripts, the shoot, the people. I’m so happy to be a part of this exceptionally original story."

House Productions joint CEO’s Tessa Ross and Juliette Howell adds: "We are thrilled that Arianne, Gary and Thalissa have brought the characters in Duncan and Effie’s exquisite scripts to life in such a beautiful way. Working with two hugely talented directors, Athina Tsangari and Stella Corradi, they have given us something very special, creating a thrilling and palpable on screen chemistry which makes this feel truly exceptional."

Trigonometry is produced by House Productions for BBC Two. ... The producer is Imogen Cooper (Hatton Garden, The Windsors) and the transmission date will be announced in due course. BBC Studios will handle distribution for the series.

From Wikipedia: BBC Two "tends to broadcast more 'highbrow' programmes than the more mainstream and popular BBC One."


● Three Californians held their group-marriage ceremony last Sunday the day after a UK tabloid gushed all about it: Polyamorous throuple wed in three-way ceremony where both brides walk down the aisle (Daily Star, Dec. 14).

On Sunday [Dec. 15] Jimmy Silva, 35, ChaCha VaVoom, 31, and Summer Peltier, 25, are getting hitched in a ceremony in California, US.

The trio, who have been dating for seven years, live together and sleep in the same large bed.

They hope the wedding will take their relationship to the next level – although proceedings won’t be legally binding.

In an exclusive interview with Daily Star Online, the triad spoke about their plans ahead of their big day. ...

If you think you've seen these people before, you have. Remember the 420 Nurses? The trio have worked the tabloids on three occasions now by my count, probably for decent money, while not letting themselves be made into a freak show instead of the fun-loving avant-garde crew that the tabs' readers probably dream of having been if only they had the wits to break out of their pathetic lives.


● Some good basic poly 101 in Pink News, picked up from Business Insider: Non-monogamous people debunk myths about polyamory, and no, sex isn’t always an orgy (Dec. 18)

Envato

Hailey Gill and Shay Thomas are both non-monogamous, and they told Business Insider that there are lots of misconceptions about having more than one partner.

For Gill, a social service assistant for the National Guard of Oklahoma, said that although polyamory is often seen as completely sexual, for her it is about connecting with multiple people in a romantic way.

She added: “I am more inclined to look for romantic partners than I am to look for sexual partners. [Polyamory] is a way to bond and share your love with more than one person and to show everyone a caring partner.”

Although people who are not monogamous are often told they are “slutty”, Gill said she is reclaiming that label. She said: “I believe it is slutty, but not in a derogatory way. It allows me the ability to share my heart with many partners, and people I care for.” ...

YouTuber Ari Fitz, who has been polyamorous for two years, previously told PinkNews that she enjoys developing feelings for multiple people at the same time, and said monogamy was too restrictive for her. ...

Includes a vid of Fitz telling what she's learned from her poly life.

Insider ran the original, longer version of the story:  Sex is always an orgy and 7 other myths about polyamory you should stop believing, by Canela López (Dec. 16). The myths they list are,

Every sexual experience is an orgy.
Being polyamorous makes you "slutty" and that is inherently bad.
There is no cheating in polyamorous relationships.
You love your partners less than you would in a monogamous relationship.
You can't really love more than one person.
Jealousy doesn't occur in polyamorous dating.
Polyamorous relationships have more pressure because they juggle multiple people.

● Three days later from Insider: What cheating really looks like in polyamorous relationships, according to people who are in them (Dec. 19). "A polyamorous person can cheat on their partners by ignoring agreed-upon boundaries about dating others."

BTW, that would be breaking a rule, not a boundary. "Rules" are things you agree to with others or require of others. "Boundaries" are things you set around your own self and personal space, not your insecurities. The diff is crucial, and if you don't get it, you need to.


● Meredith Goldstein, the star advice columnist in my hometown Boston Globe, handled a monogamous reader's question well — after an increasingly serious dating partner waited way too long to give necessary information: I didn’t know he was polyamorous (Dec. 16). Meredith answers,

People live polyamorous lives in all sorts of ways. If you read up on what it means to be in an ethically non-monogamous relationship (and I'm sure you've done some googling, at the very least), you'll learn that the word "consent" comes up a lot (as it should). A big part of it is about everyone understanding and accepting the terms. That kind of sharing of information hasn't happened here, but two months in, with bigger feelings on the line, it needs to.

Two months?! That guy gives poly a bad name.


● On the subject of not-so-ethical nonmonogamy, this appeared in Paste: Moses Sumney Shares the Dark Side of Polyamory on Stark New Single, "Polly" (Dec. 17).

“If I split my body into two men, would you then love me better?” he asks, softly, vowing to “octopus myself so you weather this.” The lyric video is no less stark: Sumney looks directly into his webcam, silently weeping.

Lyrics.

Yes, spreading yourself too thin for the hearts you claim to love is indeed a known problem thing. "Are you dancing with me/ Or just merely dancin'?/ ...Am I just your Friday Dick?/ Cornucopia of just-in-cases...."

There's a common saying, "In poly you don't have to choose!" But in poly and all life you're always choosing, and anyone who claims to love must take guidance in their choices from goodness.

----------------------------

● News You Can Use

For those family holiday visits coming up, here's a collection of useful stuff: Poly during the holidays — tales, warnings, recommendations, assembled by me a few days ago.

Each week, I'll try to close with something that's particularly useful from the poly community itself. Suggestions welcome. Mailto: alan7388@gmail.com.

See you next Friday, or sooner if stuff comes up.

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