Polyamory in the News!
. . . by Alan M.



October 8, 2021

Poly 101s keep popping up everywhere


● The UK's Evening Standard, a Conservative sheet, takes a long and generally positive look at what it claims is a trend: Is London ready for the new wave of polyamory? (Sept. 23)


By Emily Phillips

When Ruby Rare, 28, spotted the pictures of Rita Ora and boyfriend, film director Taika Waititi, both kissing co-star Tessa Thompson a little while ago, she felt elated at seeing a sweet, happy representation of her own relationships at last. ‘It wasn’t this sordid, sexualised thing. But I thought it was interesting how suddenly everyone jumped to, “Oh my God, they’re in a polyamorous relationship.” ’

Rare, a sex educator and author of Sex Ed: A Guide For Adults, has identified as ethically non-monogamous for five years. ...

After arduous lockdowns for many in monogamous relationships, a general sense of openness in the world is reflecting our interest in new ways of doing things: be that ethical non-monogamy (romantic relationships that are not completely exclusive between two people), polyamory (more than one open romantic relationship at a time) or even just being a little bit ‘monogamish’ (testing the boundaries of your coupling with flirtation and sometimes more). ...

Dating app Feeld, the go-to fixer for couples and singles, has witnessed a dramatic surge in this interest. Search terms such as ‘ethical non-monogamy’ and ‘polyamory’ have seen an almost 400 per cent increase among women, while with men they were 500 per cent up in the past year. ...

Ana Kirova of Feeld

The app’s remit has grown organically from its home city, London, across the rest of Europe, the United States and Brazil. But now, [cofounder Ana] Kirova can see that Londoners’ appetites for something else is having a bump. ‘The data shows that there is a clear increase in interest in alternative relationship structures after a lockdown with one partner,’ she says. ... ‘ There’s been a rise in virtual three-ways — people get very creative. They connect on Feeld and then they just make it work.’

...Anita Cassidy, 45... says the Covid crisis has, for everyone, been ‘a big chance to reassess what we’re doing, how we do it, why we’re making the choices we make, in terms of structures and ideas about how relationships should look and how they could look’.

...Rare agrees that the key to a successful open relationship is taking it slow and being honest, both in your primary relationship and with other potential matches. ‘It might make the pool of potential people to date smaller,’ she notes, ‘because there’ll be lots of people who are actually not into that. But I think using dating apps where there is more of a culture of ethical non-monogamy is really good. Feeld is a space where you’re going to find less people who are completely shocked by these concepts.’

The experience may be a slower burn — and potentially time-consuming, contrary to the misconception that switching to polyamory will suddenly mean you’re having sex all the time, Rare laughs. ‘There’s a lot of admin involved in it. I don’t have the capacity to date loads of people. So, when newer people enter the fold, it’s on the basis of friendship that then can have romantic and sexual elements to it.’ ...

...Cassidy just welcomes the normalisation of these feelings and needs. ‘It doesn’t mean we have to act on them, but it’s finding a safe space in your relationship to talk about these things without fear, without judgement.’ It’s time to get out on the scene and get to grips with the monogam-issue at hand.



● Speaking of conservative publications getting on board...

During the Cold War the Reader's Digest was the number-one vehicle showcasing white-picket-fence American life and values around the globe. My Mom was the Digest's personnel director at its Pleasantville, NY, address through the 1950s when I was a little boy. The Digest had grown from a tiny mom & pop startup (she was hired by founders DeWitt and Lila Wallace and remained close to them) to become America's best-selling magazine.

And, it was translated into 21 languages and distributed overseas, by up to 17 million copies a month, with quiet government help from, it turned out, a US anti-communist agency; Mom thought it was the CIA. Every month's issue had one international propaganda article, which sometimes seemed out of place with the rest of the magazine, in exchange for help in enabling this extraordinary global circulation. Mom was friends for a while with the government liaison who was in charge of these articles. He took her sailing on the Chesapeake.

Yes, the bad guys in those articles sometimes deserved to be kicked — but the Digest also smeared Nelson Mandela about the same way it had treated Stalin.

Post Cold War the Digest got smaller and thinner, and when I skim it at the grocery store checkout now it seems like a shadow of its old self, struggling to be relevant in a new era. (Joann Sharp wrote a book; her condensed summary is titled Rise and fall of Reader's Digest.)

Perhaps a sign of such struggling is this literal Poly 101 just out, not in the Digest but in its subsidiary magazine Best Health in Canada: Polyamory 101: Everything You Need to Know to Get Started (undated; online Sept. 30). It presents excellent basic advice for brand-newbies, and its perky, optimistic attitude is pure Digest from my childhood.


By Sadaf Ahsan

...If polyamory is something you’ve been considering, where do you begin? Consider this [as] Polyamory 101, your guide to the polyamory basics.

Well, first, what is polyamory?

...A common misconception is that polyamory is synonymous with being in an open relationship, where individuals can take on and can involve however many partners at any time. Both are types of consensual non-monogamy, but in open relationships, individuals are free to have sexual partners outside of their relationship while polyamory involves having more than one intimate relationship with the consent of all involved. ...

Shutterstock
Ok, so you want to give it a try. Where do you start?

Amanda Luterman, psychotherapist and founder of the Montreal-based Centre for Erotic Empathy, recommends that everyone involved be on the same page from the very beginning.

...“You want all involved to be open to exploring and pausing the exploration based on how you’re doing. You want to make sure, before you do anything, you have enthusiastic consent moving forward.”

What does that conversation sound like?

It’s an honest and open one, and it’s about establishing your satisfaction within the relationship and interest in discovering a new part of yourself—or a different version altogether.

“The key to both bringing it up to a partner and having a positive experience is seeking what you’re seeking in yourself,” says Luterman. “For example, you can say, ‘I love us, I’m satisfied with us. But there’s a part of me that doesn’t present in this relationship, that I’m looking to experience in my life, and I believe that the best way to do that is to pursue a relationship so that part of me feels active.”...

Great! Now, how do we set boundaries?

The most important thing is ensuring all parties in a polyamorous relationship are practicing safe sex, and that means open communication between all partners and operating in absolutes. For example, always using protection. ... Says Luterman, “Remember: in all sexual encounters, sex is only as good as you are relaxed.”

How do you approach bigger commitments?

Polyamorous relationships can get as serious as traditional relationships when it comes to everything from finances to starting a family. But with several voices involved, things can get complicated. So, the key—as with all relationships—is direct and open communication.

Thanks to the Canadian Polyamory Advocacy Association, up to three parents can be listed on birth certificates. However, since much of the legal and financial world views couples as dyadic, it can be useful to work with a lawyer and draw up official documents recognizing the way finances and parenting are being handled—and to spare potential heartache down the road.

So how do you handle that and all the other tough parts?

...Luterman advises firming up your emotional regulation skills and considering therapy to help guide you. It can also be helpful to join peer groups for individuals in polyamorous relationships. ...

Ultimately, the best place to start is with a relationship based on love and growth—no matter the label and how many partners are involved.


The whole article. Maybe your elderly aunt, who doesn't believe what you're doing is real, will see it too.


●  More TV that I'm no longer trying to keep up with: 

– Jessica M. writes, "Yet another prime time TV show has featured polyamory.  This time it’s a medical drama called New Amsterdam, on NBC.  In S03 E10 ("Radical"), one of the patients is in a poly quad, and two of the doctors discuss polyamory. It’s just a single episode, but the more it shows up in the mainstream, in a responsible way, the better."

– On CelebratingTheSoaps.com, The Bold And The Beautiful Spoilers: Open Marriage Continues, Eric Insists ‘This Is Who We Are Now’ (Oct. 5): "Eric defended Quinn [his wife] and told Ridge that their bedroom activities – with each other or other people – are none of his business. Eric is tired of having to explain himself and being told how to live his life."

–  In a thread on reddit/r/polyamory, people got going about CNM themes showing up on TV. Bits:


"I recently discovered Wanderlust (TV show starring Toni Collette) on Netflix and although the characters are very clumsy, it does portray a more authentic version of polyamory than is typically shown in the media."

"Scenes from a Marriage [HBO], the new one with Jessica Chastain and Oscar Isaac, has poly supporting characters... Their relationship isn’t ideal by any stretch of the imagination, but it’s not a caricature either."

"While not strictly romantic relationships, Sense8 does an interesting way of expressing larger than triad relationships without being closed."

"Does Falsettos count as a media depiction of polyamory?"

"Motherland: Fort Salem...is really a decent show... They don't directly name anything, but it's pretty obvious."

"The Freeform show Good Trouble explores a Z-type relationship in the third season."

"The Politician has a MMF throuple and they’re all older people."

"Both Rick and Morty and Bob's Burgers went the MMF route."

"The Expanse (sci-fi drama on Amazon Prime) has a small poly ship crew of maybe 8 people, male and female, and they love each other, sleep together [at least Drummer and her partners]. Also, one of the main characters has 8 parents that live together on the commune, and he is a mix of all of their DNA."

"Parks and Rec had a closed MMF triad" [or at least a V].

"I'm going to say House of Cards had a pretty good representation of a poly relationship.
The Sharing Knife series by Lois McMaster Bujold has an MMF triad in the supporting cast."


Many commented on the cluelessness of some of these portrayals. "Wish we generally had better representation in the media. Maybe the high variety within polyamory gives non-poly folks a harder times to get into the nuances? As in, they don't even necessarily perceive what parts of the story are missing?"


● Our jargon keeps going mainstream... and is often misstated. From a Poly 101 in Cosmopolitan titled Everything to Know About the Term 'Polycule' (Sept. 28)


By Eliza Dumais

...Take my polycule, for example. My boyfriend sits firmly at the center of the thing—but as an ethically non-monogamous couple, we both see other people. So my polycule unit consists of me, my boyfriend, and each of our separate, secondary partners.

No, we don’t all share a bedroom, nor do we all gather around the same dinner table to eat vats of Sunday pasta sauce. In fact, I haven’t actually met any of my partner’s second-degree partners IRL. But still, there are key, romantic threads that connect us. We exist under the same “intimacy umbrella” purely because we have a partner in common. ... 


So far so good. But she goes on to say a polycule can extend through links of links of links "to infinity and beyond," and that's just wrong. That would be a "network" or a "web." Polycule in common use means a limited number who feel together to some degree, even if indirectly.

So to get all wordish, polycule exists in the space between the tighter polyfamily (who may live together, raise kids, etc.) and the looser intimate network.


●  Another Poly 101, from MindBodyGreen: A Beginner's Guide To Polyamory: How It Works & How To Know If It's For You, by Stephanie Barnes (Sept. 29). Just the section heads, 'cause this is getting long.


    What is polyamory?
    Polyamory vs. polygamy
    How does polyamory work?
    Polyamory terms to know
    Is it illegal?
    Can polyamory be bad or toxic? [Hint: yes]
    How to know if  polyamory is right for you [12 checkpoints]
    How to know if polyamory is not right for you: [4 checkpoints]
    Explaining polyamory to partners
    The bottom line
    Books to read



●  One sample from the recent British tabs: THRICE AS NICE ‘Throuple’ cut off from family for being ‘ungodly’ are now planning to have a baby together (Sept. 25). They're Gen Z-ers in in Rhode Island.


Joel, Mickey, Jaida
...But it hasn’t all been smooth sailing.

Despite their love for one another, Jaida and Joel have lost contact with members of their families over the relationship.

Jaida’s mother no longer speaks to her and Jaida says she feels like she’s been disowned.

Joel’s mother also stopped talking to him, however he says the younger members of his family have been much more supportive. ...

[But] Mickey said: “Thankfully my mum is very open and accepting, she says that she has four children now --  she always used to call Joel her son and now she calls Jaida her daughter. ...

“Being in a triad is like having two best friends and life partners instead of one. We’re never alone and there’s always someone else to talk to.”



●  More book news: Jonathan Kent, a former international reporter for the BBC, Reuters, and other outlets in in the UK, has finished a book reporting on consensual non-monogamy around the world today: A World Beyond Monogamy: How people make polyamory and open relationships work and what we can all learn from them. Kent comes at this as a sympathetic journalist rather than an advocate, and he lets his 51 interviewees from many different countries (especially in South and Southeast Asia where he was stationed) do a great deal of the talking.

He's running an indiegogo to help raise money for the first printing. You can get the usual range of perks: the book itself (when it comes out next February) and other stuff.

The book is noteworthy not only for the independence of its reporting and its outsider's insights into us, but for its relentlessly global scope. From the pitch:


For this book, Jonathan spent years interviewing people from all over the world. You'll find tremendous diversity of experiences here, with many voices that aren't normally represented in works about consensual non-monogamy. ... [The book] managed to break free of the limitations of previous books on the subject -- many of them very personal accounts, overwhelmingly from liberal enclaves in North America, that offer a narrow window onto a much wider world.

 A World Beyond Monogamy doesn't evangelise for CNM and has little truck with those who claim that consensual non-monogamy is somehow more 'enlightened'. Nor does it suggest that there is a 'right' way to do it. What it does evangelise for is consent, choice, and a willingness to rethink the way we're told to do relationships, both monogamous and non-monogamous.


It has some things I disagree with. But with its global voices, it should be a perspective-broadener at a time when many white Westerners imagine that they invented consensual non-monogamy.


●  Finally, this just in at the ever-growing non-monogamous birds department: Superb Fairywren crowned 2021 Australian bird of the year winner in hotly contested vote (Guardian, Oct. 8). "Beloved small bird known for its polyamory and shared household labour narrowly beats tawny frogmouth and gang-gang cockatoo."


The male birds are recognisable by their blue feathers, and the species has become famous for its polyamory and passion for sharing household labour.

Males leave the territory during the day and perform courtship displays to other females, but it is the females that ultimately control mate choice as well as the nest.

Holly Parsons is BirdLife Australia’s urban birds program manager and a superb fairywren supporter. “It’s really exciting to see a bird that so many people love and appreciate take out the top prize,” she said.

Holly Parsons/Birdlife Australia



Paternity testing of offspring by ANU researchers in the late 1980s found that almost all (95%) broods contained chicks fathered by males outside the territory. Basically, most of the chicks are not related to the “dad”. What’s more, mating does not happen during those elaborate daytime dance parties; females leave their territories before dawn to find the male with the best moves.... They control mate choice (both their social pair-bond male and their extra-pair dalliances), build their nest alone and sit on the eggs.


So much for natural law. Wherever you look in nature — I'm married to a biologist — you're likely to find natural creatures living successfully by breaking any law of God or man that anyone has ever imagined.

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September 23, 2021

How Not to Plan a Polyamorous Vacation. "Polylogues" play reviewed in NY Times. And more poly in the media.


Fodor's Travel is a mainstream middleclass travel-guide mag ("18 Reasons Why Big Cruise Ships Are Better Than Smaller Boats") that has served the bourgeoisie since our grandparents' days — says my wife Sparkle Moose who, in her youth, bicycled across France with a backpack non-Fodor's style and, with a girlfriend, rode a night train packed with drunken workers through communist Poland's coal country, kicking away drunks trying to climb into their upper berth. 

So either Fodor's is changing or the bourgeoisie is changing when Fodor's publishes this: How Not to Plan a Polyamorous Vacation. (Sept. 13)


It’s tough enough to plan a vacation with another couple. Here’s what happened when we did with our boyfriend and girlfriend—and how we’ll (maybe) do it better in the future.

Sandra Seitamaa / Unsplash 

By Mariah Douglas  

...We’re polyamorous and they’d been our primary relationship for about six months. I was bleary and exhausted from the drama when I abruptly awoke. Something was in our house. “Paul, wake up!” I hissed. “Paul! There’s something in the house.” We were both leaning over the balcony of the upstairs loft bedroom, squinting into the dark, when The Something flew at my head. It seemed a fitting conclusion to a truly implosive vacation: dive-bombed by a vengeful bat in the middle of the COVID panic.

The bat — which met an untimely demise at the business end of a badminton racket — symbolized a trip beset by group travel pitfalls. I don’t know if poly travel routinely includes these complications. ... But I do know that, if we do try it again, we’re much better prepared for the potential hazards.

Initially, this trip was planned as a beach frolic to Portugal. The other couple, let’s call them John and Cathy, told us they were so excited to go. ... [But when covid hit] we had to scale way, way back. This is how we shifted from Portuguese beach to West Virginian off-season ski cabin.

But we could still do a week together! And it would be so much fun! We found a place and sent it to them for approval. But then they weren’t sure about kenneling their dogs.... So we found a [different] dog-friendly place. Surely now all would be smooth sailing. Except, wait – right before the trip, Cathy couldn’t get a whole week off from work. So John and Cathy would come for four days. Um, okay. No, the four days wouldn’t be possible either. It would be three, they announced. No, two. They’d come for a weekend, arriving late Saturday and leaving early Monday.

Paul and I were confused, to put it mildly. ... Gaslighting is real, friends. Keep easily accessible documentation of your trip, including who’s paying for what (more on that in a bit). If you’re traveling with someone and they start blowing up the plans without regard, it’s probably time to rethink the trip.

[Lesson:] No Matter How Much You Like Someone, Everyone Needs a Financial Stake

This trip was our idea, so we did the legwork and we put down the money. ... Paul and I had brought a bunch of alcohol, groceries, citronella candles for the deck, sunscreen – you get the idea. John and Cathy brought a bottle of wine because, as they put it, they weren’t staying very long. ...

[Lesson:] Everyone Also Needs to Have (and Perform) House Tasks

...In the future, I’m not traveling without a clear expectation (and maybe a chore chart) delineating who is doing what and when it’s getting done. ...

[Lesson:] Set Reasonable Expectations—Including Respect

This last one? Totally on us. We didn’t see warning signs for what they were and clung to our belief that this trip would be a romantic escape, just as we envisioned it. We needed to recognize that our partners had trouble committing to plans and often failed to communicate. ...

Should we do this again, we’ll do it differently: putting everything in writing, checking in frequently, setting up a damn Venmo schedule. But we’ll also go into it with fewer puffy pink clouds in our eyes about both people and places. ...


What's interesting here is that their polyness is just treated as background; the article is about smart vacation planning with friends. The magazine could have cut the poly references and the story would have worked fine. But look at that title.


● The New York Times reviews, favorably, a new one-person play that just opened: In ‘Polylogues,’ Dispatches From Non-Monogamy (Sept. 22)



By Laura Collins-Hughes

...Written and performed by [Xandra Nur] Clark, and presented by the company Colt Coeur at Here [off-off-Broadway in Manhattan], “Polylogues” is a collection of monologues taken from Clark’s interviews with a wide range of people — some queer, some straight — who have practiced polyamory or, in a couple of cases, have parents who do.

Like Trudy, who recalls for Clark the time she casually mentioned her father’s girlfriend in front of a friend’s dad, then had to correct his assumption that her parents had split up.

“And I’m like: ‘No, no, no! They’re polyamorous!’” she says. “And then he looked at me funny. And I’m like, “Polyamorous, as in ‘more than one love.’”

There is plenty of talk of sex in “Polylogues,” but love is the tender element that flows through these often self-scrutinizing monologues. A thoughtful, layered, smirk-free show about people constructing their intimate lives outside socially accepted bounds, it makes a humanizing, live-and-let-live case for consensual, ethical non-monogamy.

“Non-monogamy interacting with male privilege, or interacting with capitalism, can, like produce some really, like, frightening dynamics,” says K, an interviewee full of regret for having once pushed an open relationship on a girlfriend, but endearingly happy with a new girlfriend and a series of other, overlapping partners.

...Clark performs the show wearing earbuds, listening to recordings of her interviewees as she speaks their words. A note in the script describes her as being “more like a medium than an actor, channeling real people into the room.” ... Without projections of the characters’ pseudonymous names...we would not be able to distinguish between them, or recognize individuals when they reappear. ... 

“Polylogues” is a curious, compassionate portal into a topic we most often see treated with prurience.


It runs through October 9.




Eric Ruby spent the summer photographing the dyads, triads, and more that surround him, focusing on all the ways COVID-19 has changed poly life.

Eric Ruby photos
By River Black

I’m always hungry to glimpse the inner workings of love and to see real-life examples of people living in line with their hearts and values, especially in polyamory, where there are few established road maps. I was surprised when one of my most “out” polyamorous friends didn’t want to be photographed by my partner Eric Ruby with her long-term or more recent partners. With one, they were drifting apart as lovers, even though they were still “family”; with the other, she was on the cusp of transitioning the relationship toward something less romantic. ...

Another person I regarded as solidly poly, seeing them out at parties with their multiple lovers also in attendance, said they were reevaluating in light of reconnecting with a longtime friend across the country, and realizing there was more there. ... And yet, not reconsidering entirely—even as this friendship-turned-romance evolves in intimacy, they are planning to read Polysecure together, Jessica Fern’s 2020 book about how to create securely attached poly relationships. Surprising me yet again is the elasticity of how people continually redefine their relationship to being polyamorous and what that looks like for them.

The people most excited to be photographed were the larger groups; they really wanted to be represented and had found comfort and stability within their configurations. “We have matching All Love tattoos. It was really nice during the pandemic to live with multiple people—otherwise, I think I would have gone crazy,” said a member of a four-person polycule who have lived together for 10 years, with three relationships between them. The largest group excitedly showed us a visualization of their polycule, totaling 14 people, with lines representing marriages, divorces, lovers, platonic friendships, and “friendship plus.” Their relationship map was an explanatory tool for friends, new lovers, and, occasionally, even themselves.

A dyad texted later: “Relationships are a creative process in which, every day, people get to imagine how they want to be together. We enjoy that there are no givens or rules to ‘us.’ Because of this we are adaptable and we grow.” ...

Ultimately, it’s hard to tell which changes in people’s polyamorous love lives can be attributed to the pandemic and its pressures and which to the normal shifting of already-fluid relationships. For some, these past 18 months have clarified priorities, resulting in new flowerings and endings both painful and peaceful; for others, they’ve had a wide net to catch and hold them and a community in which to weather the storm.



● More covid-and-poly: Keep Them Coming: Polyamory in the pandemic in the alt-weekly KC Pitch, "Kansas City's independent source for news and culture" since 1980 (Sept. 20).


By Kristen Thomas

...Were polycules—that is, a group of people connected through a consensually non-monogamous relationship—stable or fragile because of all the time together during quarantine? Had they adjusted and found their footing? Are they dating safely or causing the virus to spread? I had conversations with some poly individuals to find answers. 

Turns out, the pandemic has given many folks a chance to explore poly relationships while being surprisingly safe. ...



● In the Poly 101 department, a sociologist explains the types of chemical bonds that create polycules: sexual, romantic, platonic, family-like, friendshippy.... What Is A Polycule? Understanding Polyamory Relationship Structures (MindBodyGreen, Sept. 20)


By Kesiena Boom

..."An unavoidable aspect of nonmonogamy is that people are engaging in a system of relationships that all impact one another," says Anna Dow, LCSW, a therapist who specializes in consensual nonmonogamy and practices it herself. "Having shared language for that system can add to some people's senses of security and belonging while also offering practical information about how their own relationship dynamics may impact other people."

...Navigating intimate relationships with more than one person means that it is especially important to be a thoughtful and active listener. Take the time to really understand and respect not just your own boundaries but everyone else's in the polycule.

"You may have heard that the golden rule is to treat others as you want to be treated, but somebody got that all wrong. To build healthy relationships what we really must do is treat others as they want to be treated," says Dow. ...



● In Women's Health: Growing Up In The Mormon Church, I Was Deeply Ashamed Of Being Polyamorous And Bisexual (Sept. 10). "One writer shares how she finally embraced her sexuality and came out to her parents." 


By Natalie Fuller

Growing up in the Mormon church, expressing your sexuality—having sexual feelings of any kind—is seen as taboo. ...

I knew even in high school that I was polyamorous and bisexual, even though I didn’t have the words to describe those feelings at the time. I’d make promises I couldn’t keep, like telling my boyfriends I wouldn’t kiss girls. Those relationships never worked out because I couldn’t be honest with myself or them. ...

In my experience, shame is like a sunburn: hot and tender to the touch, but eventually the dead skin starts to slough off. You end up rubbing and picking at it. It's a shedding process, of other people’s beliefs and judgements. It’s uncomfortable. But you shed and shed until your new skin comes through.

I first started picking at my sunburn when my older sister, who had already left the church, started taking me to African dance classes. I felt simultaneously embarrassed and excited looking at myself in the mirror, thrusting my open hips and making wild expressions. As I got older and left the church myself, I started collecting experiences that made me feel more like myself.

There was the freedom and childlike nature of my first skinny dip with friends; it felt like we’d never left the Garden of Eden. Then there was a trip to Maui, where I got my first taste of being with multiple partners at once. I moved to Oregon, and then Colorado, finding like-minded people along the way and building a community that accepted the real me. For the past year, I've been with two loving, long-term partners.

Still, I wasn’t out to everyone, including my parents. ...



●  The difference between polyamory and an open relationship is often deep, and sometimes it's unbridgeable. On HuffPost, My Lover’s Girlfriend Asked Him To Dump Me. Here’s What I Learned When He Did. (Sept. 17)


By Keyanah Nurse

“I really like you, but my partner is struggling with us being lovers. I’m caught between a rock and a hard place,” his message read. “Is friendship still possible for us?” 

Although I was disappointed, I wasn’t surprised. The signs were there, even from the first time I met him two years ago... [when] as he talked about his long-distance partner and I discussed my two local partners, I realized that our different approaches within the umbrella of ethical non-monogamy were incompatible.

My polyamory centered fully fledged relationships with multiple partners at the same time. I could introduce all my partners to my mom, go on vacation with any of them, post about them on my social media or have sleepovers. His open relationship, on the other hand, allowed only for short-term sexual and romantic connections that ended whenever his primary partner was in town. Not all ethical non-monogamy is created alike, I realized. The chasm between my polyamory and his open relationship felt too dangerous to traverse.

The author with her two partners
on New Year’s Eve 2020

...He admired my boldness as a Black polyamorous woman, often remarking how he wished for a similar freedom to build concurrent romantic relationships.

-----------------------

...When he asked to date again, I had doubts. But two years had passed. Within that time, his long-distance partner moved back to our city. They were also defining themselves as polyamorous, a change from the form of ethical non-monogamy he described when I first met him.

...Did our conversations about my polyamory sway him? As I explained to him over the years, the public visibility of both of my partnerships was central to my ethics and my politics. Having suffered in the past the indignity of being a “secondary” partner, I refused to reproduce an emotional hierarchy with my own partners.

-----------------------

...I beamed at his compliment as we sipped the whiskey I brought to his place. The heat radiating off our bodies pulsed in anticipation of answering a two-year question in the making. The next few hours were a mix of laughter, passion and indulgence. I always enjoyed our easy yet biting banter. As lovers, that banter gave way to a new intimacy. The answer to the question of us seemed to be: potential. What would happen next? Would there be an “us”? 

...When I invited him to spend the night at my place, he explained that it was not yet something he was ready for since his partner was now in the same city. I bristled at the restriction. 

...His partner sent a series of long messages to a group chat we made a few weeks prior. She apologized for appearing finicky and controlling. But ultimately she was uncomfortable with my friend developing independent relationships while she was in the same city. 

“I really thought things had changed and that she would be OK with dating separately,” he explained a few days later. “I’m sorry if I wasted your time.” 

I had been “vetoed.” ...


Read on. There's a twist.



Laura Boyle

● The number of books about polyamory is growing to the point where I no longer buy all the new ones — my collection now fills a five-foot bookshelf and this is getting expensive — but I just ordered a new one because of its author: Laura Boyle of the Ready For Polyamory podcast and blog. It's titled Ready for Polyamory: A Pragmatic Guide to Consensual Non-Monogamy. (It hasn't shipped yet, but she posts that it should go out by October 1.)


She says the book is "a selection of practical thoughts rooted in theory to get you over humps of difficulty in polyamorous relationships and identify what you want out of new ones, while simultaneously a book thorough enough that if you give it to someone new to this, they have a strong foundation to build on. I'm proud to say I think I achieved that."

From its Amazon page:


...With more than half the book dedicated to important conversations to have at potential pain points in relationships to avoid strife and have smoother sailing in your polycules, we address STIs, fluid bonding, jealousy, compersion, communication styles, compatibility on multiple fronts, and more. The idea of building your relationships with intention and not just because “That’s what comes next” is at the center of all the theory woven into the practical information contained here.



●  Do you live in Somerville, Mass.? Know anyone who does? Area grad student Diane Duan seeks to interview poly Somerville residents for a study on effects, if any, of the city's 14-month-old multi-domestic partnership ordinance. Email diane_duan (at) williamjames.edu.

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September 6, 2021

Polyamory life stories newly in the media

  
●  Erez Benari is an enthusiastic poly activist, highly accomplished in the tech industry and a former stand-up comedian. He was instrumental in getting poly domestic partnerships formally recognized for the 182,000 employees of Microsoft and, more recently, for the 18,000 employees of Nvidia. We'll be hearing more about him; he's in plans for an upcoming project that will benefit the poly movement as a whole. News coming fairly soon.

Meanwhile the Bellevue Chronicle, of Bellevue next to Seattle, just ran a long profile of his lifelong journey into polyamory, and his discovery of the word and the movement by way of Seattle's Center for Sex Positive Culture: Erez’s Journey to a Polyamorous Lifestyle (Sept. 3).


By Elizabeth Katona

Growing up as an outcast in Israel and showing no interest in traditional “boy” activities like sports and guns, Erez Benari preferred the company of the fictional characters he read about in science fiction novels to his classmates. ... Battling with self-esteem issues and living with neglectful parents, Erez found comfort in frequenting his local library, where he discovered and devoured any book written by [science fiction] author Robert Heinlein.... As Erez grew into a teenager in a society dominated by monogamistic values, Heinlein’s ideas shaped Erez’s personality and he began to embrace the notion that love is not something that should be limited to one person.

Love is the condition in which the happiness of another person is essential to your own. – Robert Heinlein


Commentary here by me: These days you find few polyfolks who were set on their path by Heinlein, but a generation ago they formed a significant part of the then-tiny movement. Heinlein's seminal book launching poly ideas into the science-fiction world was Stranger in a Strange Land, mostly written in the 1950s and published in 1961. The book has aged poorly IMO, with its casual sexism and its wildly wrong science-fiction assumptions about the late 20th century. Nor was it ever useful as a model for real-world poly among humans; its group of multi-loving initiates rely for nearly everything on magic psychic superpowers learned from Martians. But the central ideas in Stranger seized the hearts of countless readers, including me at 17, with almost religious conversions, and it became one of the books credited with making the Sixties happen — to the extent that in 2012, the Library of Congress included it in an exhibition of Books That Shaped America. See my 2010 article Polyamory, Robert Heinlein, and his definitive new biography.


In his late teens, Erez conformed to society’s monogamist notions, dating only one person at a time and entering a relationship where he would feel unfulfilled, but too shy to disrupt the social norms, until he met Dalit. ... His relationship with Dalit helped him to explore the world of non-monogamy and open relationships outside of what he read in Heinlein’s books. This exploration also allowed him to look internally at his own values and the type of relationships he wanted in life.

During his relationship with Dalit, Erez had already been forming a friendship with the woman who would later become his wife. ... Several years into the marriage, Erez met and became close friends with a lesbian woman. She introduced Erez to the world of LGBTQ and the spectrum of sexuality. It was then that Erez realized he was likely bisexual.

...[Later after they moved to America] he found an event called “Kink Lab”. ... During [an] event, Erez was able to get to know other participants, and many of them would speak to him or each other about visiting the “CSPC”.... Erez looked up what the “CSPC” was, and found that it’s short for The Center for Sex Positive Culture, a non-profit organization that has a club in Seattle.

...To Erez, the CSPC felt like home; a place where for the first time in his life he could feel free in his element, interact and talk with people in the community about any topic, and explore himself and his desires safely. His regular attendance at the club over the next year was filled with non-sexual group cuddle sessions and socializing with others in the community about the different types of relationships they had with each other and outside the CSPC.

In 2016, at the age of 42, Erez Benari finally begun to explore the possibility of having polyamorous relationships.



Another profile of Benari in the area, focusing on how his wife left him after deciding she wanted monogamy: Dissolution of Marriage Opens the Road to a New Life (Northwest Magazine, Sept. 7). 


●  Perhaps your relatives were watching a few days ago when local TV news programs around the country (for example ABC News 7 in Denver and CBS 6 News in Richmond, Virginia) aired this four-minute report: Study finds consensual non-monogamy is more common than people realize (Sept. 1).

It mostly centers on a happy FFM closed triad. Yes, the stereotyped couple-finds-bi-woman triad sometimes works out just fine for everyone — if all of them are right for it, and if all of them go into it clear-eyed and know what they are doing, the unicorn especially. Watch here:


If that video fails you can watch it on the page of this accompanying article, which is mostly a transcript of the video. Portions:


Reported by Elizabeth Ruiz
 
Aaron Meir, Rachael Meir, and Kasey Kershner are in a closed poly triad. The Meirs are married and Kershner is their girlfriend. They call themselves Triad and True on social media. The three of them have been in a consensual non-monogamous relationship for more than two years.

“A triad specifically is three people who are in a relationship where we are all connected," Kershner said. "So we each have relationships in addition to our relationship altogether.”

Rachel, Kasey, Aaron

The three are exclusive with each other, which is why they call themselves a "closed poly triad."

Their story starts with the Meirs who got married 14 years ago. They say they had a very happy and healthy relationship. However, Rachael is bisexual, so they decided to search for another partner.

“If there was any void or anything that was missing, it was simply because Aaron isn’t a girl," Rachael said. "He can’t change that.”

They ultimately decided they wanted to have a deep, emotional connection with a third person in their relationship. They found Kershner on a dating app. After some serious conversations, they formed a triad.

“Rachael and I are very different people, and it’s great that Kasey is almost in the middle like from a day-to-day perspective," Aaron said. "Kasey and I love sports, Rachael hates sports, Rachael and Kasey like rom-coms, I don’t like rom-coms. It’s really nice to have that dynamic.”

Just recently, they started sharing their story with family, friends, and the world.

“It’s one of those things that you don’t get to see what relationships like ours look like because so many people hide it and it’s all very behind closed doors, smoke and mirror type of things, and it really is so much more common than people know,” Kershner said.

Researchers conducted a study to find out how common it really is. Dr. Amy Moors is a co-chair on the Committee of Consensual Non-Monogamy with the American Psychological Association.

“In this study, we found that about one out of five people in the U.S. have engaged in a consensually non-monogamous relationship at some point during their life," Dr. Moors said. "And to help put that into perspective, that’s as common as how many people own a cat in the U.S.”

Dr. Moors says her study found that one in 20 people in current relationships are engaged in a non-monogamous relationship, and one out of nine people say a non-monogamous relationship would be ideal for them.

“People engaged in consensually non-monogamous relationships [often] have really satisfying and committed and trusting relationships," Dr. Moors said. "Yet people believe that they don’t so that’s part of why the stigma is so robust surrounding these relationships.”

Kershner says she experienced the negative mental health impacts of being secretive about their triad until they finally came out. ... Now, the three say they feel a sense of relief being their true, authentic selves and they’re able to cast the hatred and misunderstandings from other people aside.

“There are fears around ‘Kasey’s 10 years younger, is she just going to replace me, is Aaron just ready for something new, is she going to come to take our money... and we’re just very open to say ‘Those are all fair, legitimate, valid questions and no, we’re just three individuals created a unique, different, non-traditional lifestyle because we have different sets of interests or different wants,” Rachael said. ...


The study discussed in the report has no particularly new news for readers here. Its sample was large (= 3,438) and was derived from the US Census to be demographically representative, but it was limited to single people. And unfortunately, the questionnaire for the subjects defined polyamory as being "in a committed, sexual and romantic relationship with multiple people at the same time" — inexplicably leaving out a key definition of all form of consensual non-monogamy, even as stated in the body of the paper itself: with the knowledge and consent of all partners. This lapse in the questionnaire muddies the results by including secret cheaters and livers of double lives.

I don't know all the research literature, but the best attempt I have seen to determine the prevalence of actual polyamory, as sharply defined in several different ways, is this one by Alicia Rubel and Tyler Burleigh. It used data gathered in 2013 but wasn't published until 2018. I'm sure the numbers in a 2021 repeat would be greater, especially the number of Americans who self-identify as poly by the standard full-knowledge-and-consent definition. Someone ought to replicate that study today (hopefully with a larger sample).


● In New York magazine's "The Cut," a time-of-covid quint didn't (spoiler here... ) survive the reopening that was afforded by them all getting vaxxed. I Dated My Entire Quarantine Pod (Sept. 3). "Our polyamorous fivesome kept me sane during the pandemic. Then the world opened up again."


By Rachel Cromidas

Plenty of other people developed pods, tight-knit groups of two to ten people who exclusively gathered together before there was a vaccine. But ours was different. Over the course of 2020, my pod became a committed, closed, polyamorous fivesome — a relationship structure that implies some exclusivity, like monogamy, except with more than two people involved. I don’t just mean a fivesome as in just sex between five people, but a full relationship, with agreements, expectations, and regular date nights that formed a protective shell against the apocalyptic world around us. It was as unlikely as anything else about 2020. ...


Read on

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September 1, 2021

Bearding cultural conservatives in their lair: Polyam activist Leanne Yau runs rings on "the UK's Fox News." And other developments.




Leanne Yau, a.k.a. Poly Philia, is a high-profile blogger and content creator energetically doing consensual-nonmonogamy education and, in real life, peer support. She draws from her "life experience as a bisexual, autistic, Chinese, Gen Z, non-binary woman based in the UK." And, she's an Oxford Law graduate. Since launching her platforms nine months ago they've gained almost 160,000 followers.

Last Thursday she posted,


Poly Philia logo
I'm appearing on national television tomorrow.

On the British equivalent of Fox News.

GB News is running a segment from 4-6 pm UK time called "The Afternoon Agenda by Alex Philips" and tomorrow's question is "are humans monogamous?". ... Alex Philips is pretty sex-negative and conservative (for context, in a previous episode, she compared consensual porn to violent sexual assault). ... I hope I will be able to hold my own and portray the community in as positive a light as I possibly can.

Is it a bad idea? Probably.

But do I like a challenge? Absolutely.


She floored 'em. She had lots of discussion points and explanations waiting at the ready and let them rip high-speed. Hostess Alex Philips (of Brexit Party fame) didn't even really try to tangle but just let her go. For 11½ minutes!



From the transcript


...I personally wouldn’t say that ALL humans aren’t monogamous. But I do think that more humans have the capacity or desire to be non-monogamous than they would like to admit. But obviously, because monogamy is the standard for society -- like your previous guest said, it’s put on a pedestal -- and alternatives lifestyles like swinging and polyamory and open relationships are so demonised, a lot of people don’t feel that they can express their true desires. So, a lot of them resort to being either in miserable monogamous relationships, or they resort to cheating. And obviously, that’s not great in either situation.

And basically, I started my platform to offer an ethical alternative. To say that we can preserve things like commitment, trust, communication, honesty, all these important values in relationships, but also be honest with each other that monogamy might not be the only way to achieve those things. So I’m encouraging people to have open and honest conversations with their partners about their desires.

...Polyamory is one path you could go down, but there are many types of non-monogamy. Polyamory is specifically the practice of multiple romantic relationships, but there are many non-monogamous relationships that involve one primary, romantic relationship and then multiple secondary, casual or purely sexual relationships. 

...Commitment, the idea of commitment and love, to me, isn’t the promise not to have sex with or not to fall in love with anyone else. Although, I accept that for other people, it can involve that. But I think a lot of people rely on the structure of a relationship to prove commitment instead of actually doing the meaningful work with them, emotionally, to be attuned to their partner. Commitment to me is trusting and communicating with someone consistently, making promises and following through on them, it’s caring about someone’s wellbeing, it’s being invested in their joy and happiness, showing up for them in times of need, celebrating their achievements…a lot of these things. And none of that actually requires monogamy.

....I think that while monogamy is obviously a very valid relationship style, it is not the default. It should not be the default, and I think that other people should start recognising that.

...Non-monogamy has taught me so many new things. I’ve been able to explore things with other people and be able to bring them back to my partner and enrich our relationship in turn. I think that also, seeing my partner with other people makes me happy! I think that I’m really invested in my partner’s happiness and wellbeing, and because I know that I may not be able to fulfill all of their emotional needs, I’m happy that they are getting what they want and desire from someone else! ...


Wow. See how it's done, folks.

Although I would suggest more smiling and variety in facial expressiveness. Remember, to look your best on TV you can't just "be yourself." You need to be an actor playing yourself.

---------------------------------------

In other news, 

●  Cosmopolitan just published an excellent, very basic Poly and ENM 101 worth passing to people who need it: What Is Ethical Non-Monogamy? (Aug. 31). Notably, it includes a section headed "What is the difference between ENM, polyamory, swinging, and an open relationship?". This may help to reduce the catastrophic miscommunications that happen on dates these days when people misuse the word "polyamory" to mean different things and then think they're on the same wavelength. Oops.

The article is subheaded "For one thing, it's a relationship style becoming more popular than ever." That's the theme running through the rest of these items:


●  In Australia's Sydney Morning Herald and other papers of its chain: It takes three, baby: the rise of the throuple (Aug. 20)


By Madeleine Gray

These days, it’s difficult to capture the public imagination with something as simple as a kiss. ... A kiss between two people? Whatever. Between three? Colour me intrigued. Between chart-topping songstress Rita Ora, her boyfriend the Oscar-winning director Taika Waititi, and everyone’s favourite pansexual actress Tessa Thompson? I’ll bite. The internet gasps in delight.

...For Sydney-based sexuality and relationship coach Stephanie Rigg, a recent increase in visibility of the throuple (when all three people are intimately involved with each other, as in The Politician, say, or The Real Housewives of Beverly Hills) is “symptomatic of a growing willingness to question the status quo when it comes to love, sex and relationships. We’re seeing more and more people pause before falling into traditional ‘default’ arrangements and asking themselves, ‘What do I actually want out of this?’ People are realising they can create their own rules in the relationship realm.” ...



●  So many polyam plotlines are popping up in TV series that I've stopped keeping track. But very often, they seem to be handled by writers and actors who don't know what they're doing.

For instance, the Showtime series The L Word: Generation Q follows the fictional lives of a group of lesbian and bi women in Los Angeles. An AV Club reviewer writes, 'The L Word: Generation Q' bungles its polyamory storyline (Aug. 22)


By Kayla Kumari Upadhyaya

Generation Q has a poly problem. ... At some point between the last episode and this one [“Luck Be A Lady,” S2 E3], Alice agreed to open the relationship back up and let Nat explore polyamory. Instead of showing us that conversation—which could have touched on a lot of different aspects of polyamory/monogamy, jealousy, boundaries, and relationship structures—Generation Q just leaves it all unsaid and unseen.... Especially given how badly last episode bungled the conversation, with Nat throwing out casually biphobic remarks and Alice conflating polyamory with cheating... does Alice just not understand polyamory or do the writers not?

It’s like Generation Q wants to do a poly storyline without actually talking about polyamory. ... Generation Q doesn’t even come close to exploring what polyamory is or isn’t. And in fact, Nat and Alice are still barely talking to each other about it. ...


Meanwhile Neighbours, a long-running TV soap in Australia also aired in the UK, has been stirring buzz with a developing polyamory side-theme. In DigitalSpy, 'Neighbours' is attempting to normalise polyamory – but is the show's portrayal accurate? (Aug 26. Spoiler alert...)


By Emma Flint

...Despite there being a wait before the UK [audience] sees this threesome become official, the interest around the storyline is palpable.

Never one to shy away from embracing the rich tapestry of lifestyles, the decision to include polyamory isn't just a logical progression of the show, but a welcomed way of embracing inclusivity.

Nevertheless... questions about the accuracy of its polyamory portrayal are already being asked. ... The intricacies of this reveal have (mostly) been well received, and yet trepidation within the poly community still lurks.

The caution that some viewers are feeling comes from the element of persuasion seemingly involved with this development – both Levi and Amy aren't sure about taking this step, whereas Ned is all for it. Although it shows a discussion of options that are rarely seen, there's the issue that the two parties aren't as keen on the idea, yet still go ahead with it.

Levi, Ned, Amy

Partnered with this, you also have the uncertainty of why Ned is suggesting such a dynamic – does Ned genuinely think this relationship is right for them or is this about avoiding potential rejection?

Poly relationships aren't the black-and-white caricature that those outside of the community believe it is, they're valid experiences that have the same depth and complexities of monogamous relationships.

Unfortunately, many TV shows fail to translate this onto our screens, with most poly romances portrayed as confusing episodes of promiscuous fun. ...

To try to combat any stereotyping that may take place, Neighbours made sure to include its characters discussing the difference between thrupples (relationships with three people in them) and polyamory (desiring intimate relationships with more than one partner, but having the consent of all of them). By taking the time to explain this important distinction, the show is allowing its viewers to become familiar and more educated about what polyamory really is.

However, a brief discussion on the sofa about whether Amy, Ned, and Levi should give it a try isn't enough to truly set the groundwork for revolutionary inclusion. If Neighbours is to deliver accurate representation, then it needs to avoid opting for the all too easy conclusion of depicting polyamory as experimentation waiting to go wrong.

"TV shows often use poly as a salutary lesson, a weekly plot point, or a way to help characters strengthen their monogamous relationships," shares London-based polyamorous blogger Exhibit A.

"Someone will experiment with poly, it'll ultimately go wrong, and they'll realise that actually, they were happy with monogamy all along. That's annoying."...

If Neighbours is to really cement itself as being for diversity, then it needs to treat this developing storyline with the respect it deserves. Therefore, if Amy, Ned, and Levi ultimately fail as a relationship, there needs to be a nuance to the situation rather than relying on polyamory being the catalyst. ...



●  More bungling? Another poly-themed indie movie is in the news: ‘Mark, Mary & Some Other People’ Review: A Sexy Polyamory Rom-Com That Only Fulfills Half Its Promise (IndieWire, June 10).



By Kate Erbland

...Just a few months into her union with a man she’s crazy about, a freaked-out Mary has an idea: They will open up their marriage! Mark is not exactly thrilled about the idea, but Mary pulls the strings, so off they go. In the film’s press notes, [the filmmaker Hannah] Marks notes that she’s not a practitioner of “ethical non-monogamy,” nor does she ever expect to be, but she knows many people who are, leaving her eager to make a film about this world that can fit alongside other classic rom-coms. ... Marks’ lack of lived experience shows at every turn.

As Mark and Mary try on polyamory, their predicament also makes for a canny stand-in for all sorts of relationship pitfalls and problems. Their earliest experiences are bad, sexy, silly, funny, snappy, and weird, and Marks mines them for some very relatable emotions. That doesn’t do much for the polyamory aspect, which comes to feel like just another random problem thrown into the mix of an otherwise standard-issue relationship. Soon, the couple is engaging in a series of one-upmanships that mostly feel engineered to ruin their lives....


Variety's review: A Spry Rom-Com About Monogamy (Aug. 29)


By Nick Schager

...Having just committed to arm-tattoos of each other’s names in hearts, Mark isn’t eager to share his wife with others. Yet after setting basic ground rules designed to protect their bedrock union, they embark on a nightly barrage of carnal encounters. It’s no surprise that this scenario is headed for disaster, and that said calamity will come equipped with a twist, but Rosenfield and Law are such a likable duo — he clownish and earnest in equally uninhibited fashion, she brazen and fierce with an underlying sweetness — that the film remains amusing and spry even as it coasts along a path that will feel familiar to most rom-com fans, and especially to anyone who’s seen 1994’s “Threesome” or HBO’s documentary from earlier this year, “There Is No ‘I’ in Threesome.” ...



●  Good Trouble, now in its third season, is a hit TV series on the Freeform network about two young black women making a new life in LA. Just out from ABC radio news: Good Trouble's Zuri Adele talks polyamory and how her character has evolved (Sept. 1)


Zuri Adele
By now it’s no surprise to Good Trouble fans that Malika, played by the talented Zuri Adele, is on a journey of exploring her sexuality, namely polyamory. The topic is one that Adele told ABC Audio she was excited to learn about and credits the writers for helping tackle it respectively. 

“We have some great experts who are in the writer’s room and able to chime in and give a lot of insight on polyamorous practices and, you know, proper vocabulary,” she shared. “And, also just normalizing and humanizing and making sure that we’re not fetishizing or stigmatizing polyamory in any way.” ...



●  A Yahoo News story uses the Good Trouble plotline to look a little further, in Freeform’s ‘Good Trouble’ explores polyamory in Black relationships (Sept. 1)


...Outside of the realm of television there are thriving Black polyamorous communities. Houston Texas residents Devon and Danielle Stokes-White are the founders of Black Poly Nation, an organization of roughly 34,000 members. “Black Poly Nation is the largest organization of its kind that has ever existed,” according to Devon White. The Whites started the organization two years ago out of a need to belong to a community.

“When we were introduced to polyamory it was hard to find any sense of community especially in our area so that was one of the motivating factors for us going full steam in creating a community for other likeminded people,” Stokes-White added.

As a couple they are leaders in creating a space for other polyamorous people where they can explore and learn from one another. “We spend a lot of our time creating content for the Black polyamorous community,” said Devon White. They welcome the idea that shows in the mainstream are creating a space where representation and conversation around topics that are often considered taboo can be explored. “The community that we have built is really great because you have built-in friends who understand how you are feeling,” said Stokes-White.



●  And a warning story from GO Mag ("the cultural roadmap for [queer] city girls everywhere"): Am I Doing Polyamory Wrong Or Is It Just Not Right For Me?  (Feb. 2)


Jealousy in polyamory is a common concern. How your own unique heart navigates it may determine whether polyamory is a good choice for you. 


By Chelsey Burden

If you’re in a queer dating scene, you may have noticed that polyamory is becoming more popular. (I’m using polyamory as a catchall for any kind of consensual non-monogamy.)  While obviously monogamy is still dominant in mainstream society, some people report that in their subcultures, like say, certain queer dating scenes, the pendulum has swung and polyamory feels like not just an option but the new expectation. 

With that comes a lot of us navigating new territory, maybe asking questions we’ve never asked of ourselves before. What relationship style do I prefer? Is polyamory something everyone is capable of adapting to? Does struggling with polyamory mean I’m doing it wrong or that it just isn’t right for me? 

For some people, polyamory has helped them get in touch with and communicate what they need. For others, trying polyamory helped them learn that what they need is, well, monogamy. 


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