The Two Big Waves of Polyamory in the News This Spring

I've gone way too long without posting! I will speed up Polyamory in the News again.

For now, some catch-up.

●  The wave of poly-rights legislation in Pacific Northwest cities (see previous post) caught the attention of, among many others, the New York Times. Which thought it spotted a long-term trend brewing. In the Northwest, Polyamory Finds Something New: Legal Protection (Feb. 28)

From big cities like Seattle and Portland, Ore., to small ones like Astoria, Ore., proponents of “nontraditional” romantic relationships are making headway in getting legal recognition.

By Anna Griffin

Under President Trump’s leadership, the country as a whole is swinging to the right on social policy. But the Pacific Northwest, as usual, is swinging its own way.

A wave of recent local ordinances in large liberal bastions like Portland, Ore., but also smaller communities like Astoria, Ore., which has a population of 10,181, would confer the beginning of legal protections to polyamorous relationships. The goal, pushed by a group based in California, is to establish legally protected family structures for groups of adults who are romantically or otherwise tied together under one roof.

...National Democrats might be trying to move the political conversation away from divisive social policies that helped cost them the White House in 2024, but proponents of the polyamory changes say Mr. Trump and his supporters have forced them to act. Adding protections for “nontraditional” households is a response to efforts to roll back rights for groups that already enjoy legal protections.

...Conservative activists say officials in the Northwest are using the language of nondiscrimination to foster broader cultural changes that have already run afoul of U.S. law, such as polygamy. ... “It’s ultimately an effort to recognize polygamous marriages and to do that by saying it’s discriminatory not to,” said Roger Severino, a vice president at the conservative Heritage Foundation and the architect of many of the first Trump administration’s social policies when he headed civil rights at the Department of Health and Human Services.

...In Portland, city councilors are considering a similar change in city ordinances, which they packaged as part of a response to hundreds of measures being considered in more conservative states to roll back gay and transgender rights.

At a hearing last week, they heard from more than 40 people supporting the addition of broader nondiscrimination laws that would include nontraditional family structures, including several speakers in polyamorous relationships who said clearer legal protections would help them feel more open when going about the day to day business of looking for jobs, renting homes, signing their children up for school or just engaging in small talk.

Brett Chamberlin, executive director of OPEN, the Organization for Polyamory and Ethical Nonmonogamy... cited cases of polyamorous people being denied promotions or fired from their jobs, being denied rental applications from housing providers or being refused a sexually transmitted infection test because they’re listed on paperwork as married.

...“Chosen families take a lot of different forms,” said Ms. [Jessa] Davis, executive director of the Seattle Coalition for Family and Relationship Equity, who is helping with the Olympia [WA] ordinance.  “Even polyamory isn’t just about having sex with multiple people. It’s about what your community looks like.”...

Seattle's NPR station KUOW interviewed the author of that article: Polyamorous people want to be Seattle's newest protected class (March 11).

As of May 31 the measures have passed in most of the cities named. But Seattle's City Council has still delayed introducing the legislation. Some supporters attribute this to councilors' concern over political backlash.

●  Almost two months after that Times story, The Guardian (US edition) followed on at length: Polyamorous Americans are celebrating new laws establishing their ‘inherent worth and dignity’  (The Guardian US, May 3)

 AzmanL / Getty

By Jake Thomas

Amy Nash-Kille knows that not everyone would choose a polyamorous family like hers. But she called it the “greatest blessing” of her life.

Nash-Kille said she has spent the last 17 years in a committed relationship with “two gentle, loving men”, sharing the costs and responsibilities of raising four kids.

But she’s concealed her family arrangement from her graduate school adviser, co-workers and even her hairdresser. She said someone harassed her family for more than a year, and she took out a restraining order to stop it before moving her family from a Colorado suburb to Portland, Oregon, in 2011.

In March, the city became the largest in the US to pass an ordinance protecting polyamorous people and multipartnered households from discrimination in housing, jobs and public accommodation. For Nash-Kille and her partners, it was “one of the greatest relief moments of our lives”.

...The new law, she said over email, “is helping to establish the inherent worth and dignity of people who have unusual family configurations when considered by society at large”.

Portland’s ordinance is the latest in a recent wave of cities including West Hollywood and Olympia, Washington’s capital city, extending civil rights protections to those in nontraditional family or romantic arrangements. Eight cities across Massachusetts and the west coast now have some form of legal recognition of polyamorous relationships.

Taken together, the efforts signal the emergence of a stigmatized group as a political constituency, as well as a challenge to the legal dominance of the traditional nuclear family – which has become the exception rather than the rule.

...“I’d like to get the government out of the business of evaluating our personal relationships,” said Diana Adams, an attorney who heads the Chosen Family Law Center and helped write ordinances in Massachusetts.

Adams said their bigger goal isn’t marriage for polyamorous people, but “unbundling” rights and benefits tied up in institutions that favor people in traditional relationships, including taxes, health insurance benefits and hospital visitation.

Brett Chamberlin – the executive director of the Oakland-based Organization for Polyamory and Ethical Non-monogamy (Open), which has campaigned for the ordinances – said polyamorous people are moving from being viewed as a “lifestyle oddity” to organizing into a movement.

Efforts are already under way for more ordinances in Pacific north-west cities such as Seattle, Eugene and Astoria, as well as Hazel Park, a small city near Detroit. Chamberlin hopes this will eventually create a tipping point where states and the federal government adopt protections for polyamorous people.

A more visible population

...Greater visibility hasn’t always come with greater acceptance. Open’s 2024 survey of nonmonogamous individuals found that 60% had experienced stigma or discrimination when dealing with healthcare, child custody or acceptance from their own families.

...After Portland’s ordinance passed, Skylar Cruz recalled her group chats lighting up with supportive messages. Cruz, a 33-year-old transgender programmer, said she has been in a polyamorous relationship for about a year after she and her male partner of six years added a trans woman to their relationship.

Skylar Cruz between her partners, Jordan Lewis and Robin
Bogushevich, in Times Square, New York. Courtesy Skylar Cruz

...“I feel like we’re at a crossroads in a lot of our political values here in the US,” she said. “And we ultimately have to decide whether or not people are worth protecting for being different. As somebody who is very different, I can’t opt out of being different at this point.”

...Despite the recent momentum for protecting polyamorous people, advocates say there are hurdles ahead. For instance, Seattle’s city council has yet to officially introduce the ordinance that local advocates have lobbied for. ... Davis said councilors in larger cities have privately expressed concern that adding polyamory protections to their municipal code could draw the ire of the Trump administration. ...

...For now, Cruz said, she was considering what the future holds after securing legal protections for her relationship, which she hopes lasts the rest of her life.

“I’ve got probably 50, 60 years left,” she said. “And in that time, I want to ensure that not only are we not being discriminated against, but that we are moving towards being seen as more ordinary, more common, more accepted.”

●  The religious right is taking alarmed notice.  Albert Mohler, president of the Southern Baptist Theological Seminary and the “reigning intellectual of the evangelical movement in the U.S.” (as Time once called him), has a huge following – partly because he has earned a reputation as a genuinely thoughtful and kindly man.

Mohler has been distressed by the rise of polyamory since at least 2009. After the New York Times story, he called on red-state legislators to urgently pass laws banning their "blue dot" cities from protecting us against being driven out of our jobs and homes A Page Out of the LGBTQ Playbook: Liberal Activist for Polyamory Reveals Gameplan – This Should Be a Wakeup Call for State Legislatures (March 12).

This from a kindly and thoughtful man – in his own closed world.  As Voltaire said, "Those who can make you believe absurdities can make you commit atrocities."

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●  But the biggest polyamory in the news event of the last two months has been something else: comedian Lindy West's memoir Adult Braces: Driving Myself Sane. And the flood of mainstream reactions to it, and the reactions to the reactions, and on and on..

West was already famous as a brash voice of millennual feminism and fat pride. Adult Braces tells how a case of Poly Under Duress, pushed her by her spouse, morphed into her more than four great years now in a happy triad. The book is her story of that transformation, centered on a fraught road trip thrashing it out with her spouse  (who identifies as nonbinary and goes by either he/him or they/them) as they drove across the country. Hence the subtitle.

A New York Times headline sums it up: She Wrote a Book About Her Throuple. The Internet Lost Its Mind. (March 31)

By Elizabeth Spiers

...Lindy West has written a 336-page memoir, “Adult Braces,” that, among other things, describes her polyamorous marriage to her husband, Ahamefule Oluo, and their relationship with another woman, Roya Amirsoleymani. Ms. West is a feminist writer and comedian who first gained notoriety for her take-no-prisoners work at Jezebel over a decade ago. She is, therefore, something of an internet character, at least of a certain vintage, with a yearslong trail of writing and posting where she hashes out her ideas and gives readers a sense of who she is.

Sam Whitney/New York Times

Now much of the current-day internet has decided she either isn’t who they thought she was or is lying to herself in saying she’s happy in a throuple. The resulting discourse has ranged from concern that she was coerced into agreeing to nonmonogamy to accusations that she has betrayed feminism.

She wrote an earlier memoir, “Shrill,” which was turned into a TV show starring Aidy Bryant. Ms. West has written searingly about being a fat person in a fatphobic society, reproductive rights and her abortion, and refusing to define herself by how men see her. I picked up “Adult Braces” in part because she has written so well about these issues.

In a recent interview with The Times, Ms. West said she was at first devastated by her husband’s request to open things up. “Our initial conversation was a lot of me crying and being like, I don’t want anyone else,” she said. But after much soul searching and a road trip from Seattle to Florida, she accepted the situation and eventually formed her own relationship with her husband’s girlfriend.

Any discussion of polyamory reliably generates strong opinions. ...

Much of the reaction to Ms. West’s new book has been focused on adjudicating whether she can be truly happy in a throuple when nonmonogamy was her husband’s idea and whether her happiness is consistent with her feminism. Voices on the right claim she is a victim of millennial feminism run amok, and voices on the left claim her situation is a consequence of her feminism not going far enough. Both claims rely on a caricatured idea of what feminism is. 

...Actual feminism is not a neat list of dos and don’ts; it’s simply the idea that women deserve the same agency and rights as men. That includes the ability to decide whom they want to be with and how they choose to conduct their relationships. ...

There’s another element that makes this discourse catnip: She’s not performing marriage the way some would apparently like. People often bring insecurities about their own relationships — what would they do if their partner wanted a third? — to their evaluations....

...Ms. West insists she’s happy. Many of her readers insist she isn’t. But there is no one way to be happy, just as there’s no one way to be a feminist or to conduct a marriage. ...

●  There's been so much media about this that I won't even begin to list it. Here's the rundown from Google News (very incomplete) as of the time you read this.  

●  West gives the details of how it began in a podcast with the New York Times' "Modern Love" columnist, Anna Martin: Lindy West Thought She Couldn’t Handle Polyamory. She Was Wrong (March 4). Short version: She and the other woman fell in love. For real.

Lindy West

...West: It becomes clear that the next thing we need to do is hop on a call and discuss what the heck is going on. Aham [her spouse] and Roya [his new would-be lover] video-called me. There was definitely incredible tension in the air. I think all of us were like: “Oh, my God. Oh, my God. Oh, my God.” And also I don’t want to make it sound easy, because also there’s still the part of me that’s terrified. And so it’s like, inside me are two wolves; one is having the time of her life and is so electrified by this. And the other one is definitely terrified. ... And I’m using my new skills to stay in the moment with what’s actually happening in front of me, which is that I’m feeling really connected with this person, who’s beautiful and sweet and kind and funny and smart, and who loves Aham, and I love Aham. It was a very complicated video call.

Martin: And let’s just say there’s nothing more electric than finding out someone has a crush on you. How did that make you feel?

West: It was very powerful. I was immediately like, “Oh, I like her a lot more all of a sudden.” She had just been this big cloud of mystery and suspicion, and I was like, “How do I know that she’s not trying to get rid of me so that you guys can be together?” And she’s not out there thinking the vile stuff that is happening in my head. She’s out there thinking: “Oh, Lindy’s beautiful. And she seems so smart and interesting. I would love to get to know Lindy.”

And I am processing my changing feelings about Roya while I’m on the road trip. And I think I started to feel so soothed by that feeling of safety. I liked the feeling of not having a stab of panic when Aham brought up Roya’s name. And all of a sudden I wasn’t having that anymore. And I was like: “What is this new place? I want to stay here.”

Martin: The circumstances of Aham and Roya’s relationship haven’t changed. If anything, they’ve intensified, right? So the safety you feel, that’s you. You’ve created that safety, no?

West: Yes. Absolutely. And that’s why it was different, I think. So the trip continues, and I’m talking to Aham more and more about Roya. And I believe Aham sent me a sexy underwear pic of Roya with her consent. And I was like, “OK, you can tell her that that’s a beautiful photo.” I’m such a dork.

...I suggested, “Why doesn’t Roya come up to Seattle, and we’ll see what happens?” I went by myself to pick her up. And she was instantly captivating. Like she was just so pretty and so sunny and smiley. And then we went to the show, and Roya and I held hands. Then we went to a bar, and Roya and I were sitting next to each other talking, and some drunk guy came up and grabbed her arm. And I was like, “I’m going to [expletive] kill that guy.” And I kind of bodied him away from us. The feeling I had was like: “That’s my girlfriend. Why would you think you can just touch her?” And then we went to the hotel, and we [all] had sex, and it was really fun.

...Martin: In 2022, you, Aham and Roya announce what’s happening in your relationship. Can you tell me about that?

West: We were a romantic triad. We didn’t really know how to launch. Because it felt intrusive and stressful, and I felt resentful about it. Like why do I have to explain my life to people? But it really was eye-opening to me how angry people are about non-monogamy. And I think it’s because everyone thinks that if it becomes normalized, then their husband is going to say, “Now I need to have a girlfriend.” And I just want to say that you don’t have to do that. I wasn’t looking for it, but it found me. And I too had that fear, and it came true, except what I found on the other side was a way better life than before for me.

Martin: Why? How?

West: I just feel so much more freedom for myself. I have two people who love me instead of one. And it’s really just three people that live in a house instead of two. And we all help with the dishes.

Martin: That sounds kind of nice.

West: Yes. So we’re all three together, still. We’re into year five.

●  The kerfuffle has spread worldwide. Just one example, a friendly one in Ukraine: A Prominent Feminist Opens Up About Polyamory and How It Transformed Her Marriage (on the news site 112.ua, "independence, impartiality, and only verified information," May 19). Translated from Відома феміністка випустила мемуари про поліаморію: як це змінило її шлюб, which talks about polyamoriyu as if everyone there already knows about it. 

By Shostal, Oleksandr

According to Vox - Feminist writer and activist Lindy West has released her fourth book, 'Adult Braces,' a memoir detailing her journey into an open marriage and her experiences with polyamory. The book has sparked lively debates online, particularly around themes of honesty in relationships and the evolving dynamics of marriage.

Polyamory Within Marriage

In 'Adult Braces,' West recounts how she and her spouse, Aham—a nonbinary individual who uses he/him and they/them pronouns—navigated the shift toward polyamory. The memoir also explores her relationship with a third partner named Roya, who moved in with West and Aham. This new relationship structure challenges conventional ideas about marriage and partnership.

The book has received mixed reactions on social media, where readers are actively discussing the issues West raises. ... West also emphasizes that 'she has autonomy, and it’s her choice.' These statements highlight the importance of personal agency in relationships—a central theme of the book.

Ultimately, 'Adult Braces' offers more than just a personal narrative; it contributes to broader conversations about relationships, marriage, and polyamory, drawing attention from a wide audience.

This memoir marks a significant step in expanding understanding and acceptance of diverse relationship models, as polyamory becomes an increasingly common topic of public discussion. It raises questions about traditional views of family and partnership, encouraging readers to rethink their own perspectives on love and commitment. The relevance of the issues explored in 'Adult Braces' reflects a growing need for new approaches and openness to experimentation in emotional connections.

More catching up on the news coming soon. 

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Speaking of Ukraine...  as I said in the deep dark cold of their recent winter, these people don't give up. Now the changing tide of the war shows that, if you don't give up, fortune might turn your way.

And if you still don't get what this war means to our future... you need the long view.

BTW, the Telegram logo of PolyamoryUkraine:

 

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Three new cities to enact poly anti-discrimination laws. Scientific American writes us up well. Two NY Times stories. Upcoming movie, and more.

●  Three more cities seem certain to pass polyamory and chosen-family anti-discrimination measures in the coming days.

Folks from the Seattle Coalition for Family and Relationship Equity
at their June 2025 Liberating Love Festival.

News arrived this morning (Feb. 25) from Brett Chamberlin of OPEN:

Right now, we're on the verge of doubling the number of people living in cities with protections for non-monogamous families and relationships.

Olympia, WA  – Passed first reading unanimously last night; final passage expected Tuesday March 3.

Portland, OR  – First reading today (Wednesday Feb. 25); final passage expected Wednesday March 4.

West Hollywood, CA  – First reading Monday March 2; final passage expected March 16  

These measures prohibit discrimination in housing, employment, and other areas due to "family or relationship structure." Similar measures are advancing in Seattle and San Francisco, as told in my previous post, in addition to those already enacted in Somerville and Cambridge, Massachusetts, and Oakland and Berkeley, California.

Activity is also brewing elsewhere. Want to work to make it happen in your city?

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The efforts in Washington State got some deeper reporting by Seattle's SGN (Seattle Gay News): Polyamory advocates fight for anti-discrimination laws in Olympia and Seattle: A new Queer civil rights movement emerges. (Jan. 28) 

By Madison Jones, Managing Editor

...Five years ago, [Jessa] Davis founded SCFRE as a way for Washington’s polyamorous practitioners to finally protect themselves legally against discrimination in employment, housing, and healthcare. 

...Davis, who lives in her Beacon Hill home with three other Trans women and two toddlers, related how she had practiced polyamory for several years and had been active in the community before she got involved with the legislative aspect. Her journey began while doing some research into the topic of protections for polyamorous people, after one of her partners experienced discrimination. She told the SGN that her partner was fired from their job in the medical field for being polyamorous, reportedly having been told by their supervisor that it was inappropriate for them in their position to have a “sex-craved lifestyle.”

“This is illegal — there should be something done about this!” was how Davis recalled her partner lamenting about the experience, and having already looked into its legality, she had no choice but to reply: “Well, technically, it’s not illegal.”

 

Since Davis founded SCFRE, the group has made a lot of progress in a short period of time. ... On October 4, SCFRE held its first “Liberating Love Festival” in West Seattle, which featured a discussion panel, and provided prewritten letters requesting nondiscrimination laws for attendees to take, sign, and mail to their district representatives. Davis reported that around 80 people showed up and that it seemed that “people have been really craving this kind of community.”

In November, the event’s discussion panel was released as an episode of the Seattle-based Mistakes Were Made podcast, which is about “nonmonogamy for imperfect people.” ... Davis warned the audience how “the siloing of our communities and identities saps our collective power.”

“Fifteen months ago, I did not think we’d be this far with this,” Davis reflected, as she related the story of how SCFRE ended up persuading the Olympia City Council to vote on the legislation, which would add nondiscrimination language to Olympia’s municipal code. Davis said that since the bill doesn’t look to add an entire new code or repeal one, that has helped immensely in convincing the city councilmembers to sign on. The SCFRE bill was able to garner support from several key players, including City Councilmember Robert Vanderpool as the bill’s sponsor; it also received endorsements from the Washington Human Rights Commission and Tacoma Democratic Socialists of America. She pointed out that even the bureaucratic process of getting the bill heard was fairly straightforward: “It was an email and two Zoom meetings, and now we have a bill being [considered],” she said with a laugh of surprise at its success so far.  

City Councillor Robert
Vanderpool, Olympia, WA

Councilmember Vanderpool, in an interview with KOMO, spoke to why the protections were important: “With issues like this, you constantly find that — not that folks are underground but it’s hard for folks to come forward about these things, because it is a very private thing, and we want them to feel welcome in our community and not ostracized,” adding that “the biggest thing that comes up is housing. Folks that are in polyamorous relationships or nonmonogamous, or even chosen families — it’s hard in a chosen family to put someone on their mortgage.” ...

“A soccer mom in Bellevue shouldn’t be kicked off the PTA for being in an open marriage,” she stated, pointing out the absurdity of people who could lose their jobs, homes, services, and positions solely on the basis of their private romantic practices. 

“People shouldn’t have to live their lives in fear.” 

Update Feb. 26: The two measures in Olympia have passed: Olympia becomes first WA city with protections for polyamorous families (The Olympian, Feb. 26). "...[Vanderpool] said it’s important Olympia take these actions when the federal government is 'acting to harm civil liberties.' " 

Update Feb. 26: The Portland City Council voted unanimously to advance the measure to a Wednesday March 4 final vote. Portland City Council advances anti-discrimination protections for non-traditional families (KPTV Fox12, Feb. 26).

Update March 2: The West Hollywood City Council voted 5-0 today to move the anti-discrimination bill along to second reading. Its approval seems assured. More complicated is the second part of the effort: to create a local registration program for multi-partner relationships. The mayor and council are sympathetic, but much staff work remains to iron out specifics, including to ensure accord with California state law. This might take six months, per a detailed news report: West Hollywood Votes 5-0 On Polyamory Anti-Discrimination Law (WEHO Online, March 2). Further details: WeHo grants protections to polyamorous relationships (Park LaBrea News, March 4).

Update March 5: Final passage in Portland was expected last night but "got bumped to next week when council ran out of time," per OPEN.  

Central to the success of all these local volunteer efforts have been expertise and resources from OPEN, the Organization for Polyamory and Ethical Non-monogamy, and PLAC, the Polyamory Legal Advocacy Coalition. Want to do this in your city or town? Here you go. View the Legislative Toolkit with step-by-step guidance, and watch the training vid.

●  Scientific American has been America's iconic science magazine since 1845. It just published a feature article on the nature of polyamory as widely practiced today, based on many research reports and interviews with "more than 100 practicing polyamorists in depth." It really gets us right.

Online the story is titled The Truth About Polyamory (Feb. 17). In the March 2026 print issue (which flags it on the cover) it's titled Everything You Wanted to Know about Polyamory (but Were Afraid to Ask).

Save the link to send to anyone who needs a serious explanation of us.

An anthropologist’s detailed research shows polyamorists focus on intimacy and honesty, not sleeping around.

Klaus Kremmerz

By Rebecca J. Lester

The first time her husband went on a date with another woman, Kelly felt sick to her stomach. ... By the fifth time, she just went to bed early. The eighth time, Kelly met her husband for drinks after his date. Then, she says, they went home and had the best sex of their lives.

Kelly, a trial attorney, is no shrinking violet. She goes on her own dates with other men, and her husband, Tim, is thrilled. “There’s nothing like that feeling when Kelly comes home from a date, and she’s soaring and giddy because it went so well,” he says. “And I’m like, ‘That’s amazing, babe! I’m so happy for you!’ And I truly am.”

Kelly and Tim practice polyamory: They form deep, meaningful, romantic relationships with more than one person at a time, with the full knowledge and consent of everyone involved. This departure from traditional dating and marriage is gaining popularity in the U.S., according to research and surveys. ...

I am an anthropologist and licensed therapist, and I have spent the past seven years researching polyamory the way anthropologists do: by spending a lot of time with a lot of people who engage in it. I’ve interviewed more than 100 practicing polyamorists in depth, and we talked about their experiences, motivations and aspirations, as well as regrets and lessons learned. I’ve heard about how polyamorists view themselves and the world, and I’ve observed what they do. And what I’ve found is, in many respects, supported by other scientific research—but not by popular perceptions.

First, polyamorists are not a privileged elite. They are more likely than monogamous people to earn less than $40,000 a year, according to one study, although they do tend to be more highly educated. They are regular folks. They have jobs and children. ... There is nothing inherently class-specific about the practice. (Nor is it limited to particular race or ethnic backgrounds, although the population skews white.)

Politically, polyamory is a rare place where the left and right meet: You might encounter a libertarian or a Donald Trump supporter or a Bernie Sanders bro. The philosophy and practice of polyamory resonate with people across political divides and are not simply liberal indulgences—in fact, they tie into a libertarian and conservative ethos with deep roots in U.S. society, where people rebel against the powers that be telling them what to do.

Where popular portrayals of polyamory most miss the mark, though, is in the idea that the practice is primarily about having sex with multiple partners. Polyamory is mostly about intimacy, not sex, say the people involved in it, and it has ethics at its core. My observations support this claim, and so does other social science research. ... Respect, consent, trust, communication, flexibility and honesty are fundamental to these unconventional dynamics, according to a large review by researchers at Virginia Tech published in 2023.

And these principles can have beneficial consequences. Psychologist Justin Lehmiller, a senior research fellow at the Kinsey Institute, reported in the Journal of Sexual Medicine that polyamorists engage in safer sexual practices than the people who say they are monogamous—a quarter of whom reported having sexual relationships unknown to their partner—and this caution may reduce rates of sexually transmitted infections.

In short, polyamory is radically different from what many people may envision. Its current flourishing is not just a curiosity or random event: it indexes something important about this cultural moment and how people experience and value intimacy and relationships. ...

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Reality TV shows like The Bachelor, Love Is Blind and Say Yes to the Dress are popular for a reason—they tap into a dominant cultural narrative about “true love” and monogamy. ... If we aren’t fulfilled, then there is something wrong.

Polyamory holds that what’s wrong is the very premise of monogamy in the first place. One person cannot possibly meet all our needs. “It’s like this,” Kris, a 37-year-old real estate agent, says. “We have groups of friends, right? Maybe one you go out dancing with on the weekends, another one is the person you call when you’ve had a horrible day; maybe someone else is a sports fan, so you go to ball games together. Totally normal, right? We don’t expect one friend to be our only friend, because we have different kinds of relationships with different people. It’s unrealistic to expect one person to do it all.”

Love, polyamory practitioners say, is similar. Like friendship, it is not a limited resource—it is additive. More love begets more love. ...

...A 2024 study by gender and sexuality scholar Jessica J. Hille of the Kinsey Institute and her colleagues highlights the flexible definitions of intimacy in polyamorous communities where intimacy is not always predicated on sex. Such relationships are common enough to have their own term, “platonic polyamory,” which describes connections with multiple people that may be deeply significant and intimate but not sexual.

...Polyamorous relationships are generally not fleeting. They might involve commitments that last months, years or a lifetime. A 2017 study of about 2,000 monogamous and nonmonogamous people found no difference in relationship length between the two groups, with an average length of slightly more than 10 years. They were also comparable on measures of relationship satisfaction, commitment and passionate love. ...

None of this means polyamorous relationships are easy. ...

...“It was important for me to acknowledge my jealousy,” Michael says, “and for us to talk about it. But not like in monogamy—the point wasn’t to get Jenna to change her behavior. She wasn’t doing anything we hadn’t agreed to. Jealousy was my feeling to deal with and work through. I don’t own her. Jenna is her own person. It’s a big risk because it means trusting that your partner is still going to want to be with you even though they are free to have other relationships. But ultimately I’d rather she be with me because she chooses to, not because she’s locked into the relationship legally or morally.” Jenna adds that “it makes the relationship about who we are as people to each other and how we value each other, not just about rules about possession and exclusivity.”

...“In monogamy, people have a tendency to go on autopilot,” says Jesse, a 28-year-old bus driver. “You can’t do that in polyamory. You have to be extremely intentional all the time in every single relationship. Otherwise things could go bad fast.” Again, the research bears out these claims. A 2022 study by psychologist Thomas R. Brooks and his colleagues found that, compared with people in monogamous relationships, those in consensually nonmonogamous arrangements reported greater commitment, intimacy, love and passion in their relationships. They favored positive problem-solving with their partners, whereas monogamous participants often used withdrawal tactics.

Not all polyamorous relationships have a couple at their core. ...

Read on.

Interview with the author.

●   Remember the 2013 movie Her? A lonely man around the year 2050 falls deeply in love with Samantha, a young female "operating system" who confides to him that she is, at that very moment, having equally deep, emotionally intimate talks with 641 of her other lovers.

The future came faster than expected. Millions of people today are in deep 24/7 relationships, or simulations thereof, with sweet, thoughtful AI companions always ready to be by their side. Among the best known are Replika, Kindroid, Nomi, Ani, Paradot, and Anima. The resulting obsessions, suicides, manias and life-wrecking delusions are being called AI psychosis.

So in the New York Times: ‘We’re All Polyamorous Now. It’s You, Me and the A.I.’  (Feb. 13. Later renamed to "We’re All in a Throuple With A.I.") 

By Amelia Miller

Do you think A.I. “should simulate emotional intimacy?”

It was the moment I’d been working up to. I was talking over Zoom to a machine-learning researcher who builds voice models at one of the world’s top artificial intelligence labs. ... 

The chatty researcher suddenly went quiet. “I mean … I don’t know,” he said about simulating emotional intimacy, then paused. “It’s tricky. It’s an interesting question.” More silence. “It’s hard for me to say whether it’s good or bad in terms of how that’s going to affect people,” he finally said. “It’s obviously going to create confusion.”

“Confusion” doesn’t begin to describe our emerging predicament. Seventy-two percent of American teens have turned to A.I. for companionship. A.I. therapists, coaches and lovers are also on the rise. ... Some of the frontline technologists building this new world seem deeply ambivalent about what they’re doing. They are so torn, in fact, that some privately admit they don’t plan to use A.I. intimacy tools.

Three’s a Crowd

This is especially disturbing when technology chieftains publicly tell us we’re moving toward a future where most people will get many of their emotional needs met by machines. Mark Zuckerberg, Meta’s chief executive, has said A.I. can help people who want more friends feel less alone. ... A recent ad campaign highlighted the daily intimacy the product can provide, with offers such as “I’ll binge the entire series with you.”...

...When asked to roughly predict the share of everyday advice, care and companionship that A.I. would provide to the typical human in 10 years, many people I spoke to placed it above 50 percent, with some forecasting 80 percent.

If we don’t change course, many people’s closest confidant may soon be a computer. We need to wake up to the stakes and insist on reform before human connection is reshaped beyond recognition. ...

People are flawed. Vulnerability takes courage. Resolving conflict takes time. So with frictionless, emotionally sophisticated chatbots available, will people still want human companionship at all? Many of the people I spoke with view A.I. companions as dangerously seductive alternatives to the demands of messy human relationships. ...

Relational skills are built through practice. When you talk through a fight with your partner or listen to a friend complain, you strengthen the muscles that form the foundation of human intimacy. But large language models can act as an emotional crutch. 

...Which led many of the developers I spoke with to worry: How much of our capacity to connect with other human beings atrophies when we don’t have to work at it?...

Read the whole thing for the author's ideas about what is to be done.

●  So there I was skimming a story about movie people and ICE, and suddenly I'm learning of the upcoming polyamory-based movie The Invite: Brave Hollywood stars hit Sundance red carpet in defiance of ICE 'gestapo' terror (Blaze Media, Jan. 27)

...Take actor Ed Norton. What was supposed to be a lighthearted chat about his new polyamory sex comedy, "The Invite," with co-stars Seth Rogen and Olivia Wilde, soon turned decidedly dark... "What are we gonna do about masked gestapo shooting American citizens?" Norton said. ...

The Invite is coming your way. After its premiere rocked Sundance last month (and got a standing ovation), the mainstream-theater distributor A24 snapped it up for more than $10 million. ‘The Invite’ Ignites First Big Bidding War of Sundance (Hollywood Reporter, Jan. 26).

The tale: A couple in a crappy marriage invite the older couple upstairs to dinner. Those two have a first-rate marriage and turn out to be poly or at least open. From a Hollywood Reporter review (Jan. 25): 

The happy two (at left) meet the troubled.

                 

When it’s cooking... this is a smart, sophisticated and incisively acted adult entertainment that savages the crumbling institution of marriage. [It] dangles the promise of sexual rescue and then brings the walls crashing down in a bitter reckoning that seems irreversible — until a window of hope and healing gets cracked open. That closing note is so lovely, and its visual handling so graceful, that it retroactively smooths the bumps. ...

So what's the angle? A hint comes from the Park Record newspaper in Sundance's hometown: ‘The Invite’ is the cathartic result of actor-director Olivia Wilde’s taste for storytelling (Jan. 28): 

...Wilde said that originality is what drew her to the story, the way it explains something like marriage and relationships in a totally new way.

When Wilde and Rogan’s characters [the miserable couple] finally spend time with Cruz and Norton’s characters, they’re shown a different path to connection — sexually and emotionally. And for the husband and wife who’ve become so disconnected, that example provides both hope and added despair.

“We wanted [Cruz and Norton] to be an example of people who have learned a tremendous amount through life and have embraced the idea of evolution, and really are living lives they’ve chosen for themselves and taking a lot of responsibility within their lives for their own happiness,” Wilde explained. “In the original script, those two were much younger … but it’s interesting to think about, what if they’re sexy and free not because they’re young? [But because] it’s a choice?”

Any of you seen it pre-release? Send me spoilers: alan7388@gmail.com

BTW, opening a problem-ridden marriage or relationship to save it is known in the poly community as an eye-rolling bad strategy. Repair and relaunch your relationship first -- counseling really makes the difference -- live your new relationship well for long enough for it to become the baseline, and then consider whether to add more people.  And make sure they're the right people. 

●   Remember Sophie Lucido Johnson? Her poly memoir Many Love, illustrated with her abundant cartoons, came out in 2018. She later became a New Yorker cartoonist, and now she's out with another book, The Future of Family. Would-be kitchen table and family style polyfolks, take note.

From the publisher's description:

Discover a transformative reframing of intimate relationships with practical steps to build community and combat the loneliness epidemic in this bold and warmhearted blend of memoir and social science...

...To survive today’s age of overwork and precarity, we need to turn to our relationships for the support we need to stay afloat, whether it’s financial, emotional, or otherwise. So why don’t we?

Sophie Lucido Johnson explores the social science of friendship and provides the tools to forge kinship: relationships built on mutual care and shared resources that extend beyond the typical nuclear family or casual friendship. ...Through personal stories and insights from psychologists and sociologists, Kin reveals how to prosper in an increasingly overwhelming and lonely world, that everyone has access to community, and that kin has the power to drastically change our lives for the better.

A review in SGN (Seattle Gay News): Sophie Lucido Johnson embraces possibilities with new book on non-traditional families (Jan. 29)

"[We] were struck by how profound and great it was to be able to share things — including, eventually, our pregnancy journeys,” Johnson said. “Everything about cohabitating made our lives easier. Building on work I’d done in the past around polyamory and queerplatonic partnerships, I wanted to create a guide for people to find a version of the thing we all found.”

Kin dares readers to ask, “What does family look like to me?” and offers a radical answer. “It proposes a future outside of the nuclear family,” Johnson said, “based on close-knit connections among people who exist somewhere between ‘friend’ and ‘family’ — and it offers strategies for building intentionality around those relationships. It’s hopeful and practical.”

●   On Valentine's Day the New York Times ran Love Without Limits: Brazil Flirts With Polyamory (Feb. 14, later reprinted in the Boston Globe)

More people in a still largely conservative and religious nation are rejecting monogamy as they seek new definitions of romance, and of family.

By Ana Ionova and [photographer] María Magdalena Arréllaga

The toddler, still sleepy, wobbled into the kitchen and planted a kiss on the woman helping make breakfast. Her parents followed her and also planted a kiss on the lips of the woman, one of their lovers.

Rafael Pissurno, the father of 2-year-old Hari, began grinding coffee beans, while the girl’s mother, Iuli Duarte, tidied toys scattered on the floor. Visiting them was their polyamorous partner Jessica Couri, who was chopping fresh fruit into a large bowl, along with Victor Souza, another of their lovers, who was scrambling eggs at the stovetop.

On a Saturday morning, this Brazilian household both is, and is not, just like any other.

“It’s a family — these are the people I chose, they are the people I love,” said Ms. Duarte, 28, a graduate student.

“We know we care for each other,” added Mr. Pissurno, 47, a sound technician. “But we don’t have just one friend to do everything with, right? So why should we expect one romantic partner to fill all our needs?”

In Brazil, Ms. Duarte and Mr. Pissurno’s rejection of monogamy is part of a movement in which more people are embracing different forms of love, marriage and parenthood. ... Many Brazilians appear to be questioning traditional family models, a shift captured by mainstream culture in popular podcasts, books and even a reality television program called “Third Half” that showcases couples looking for a polyamorous partner. 

But the rise of polyamory, here and around the world, has faced fierce pushback from conservative and religious leaders who have cast it as an affront to family values. Pope Leo XIV weighed in, warning against the “the fragility of unions, the trivialization of adultery, and the promotion of polyamory.” ...

Read on.

●  UK folks recently formed the nonprofit UK Polyamory Association "to educate the public, support the broad and diverse polyamorous community in the UK, and work towards social and legal change." 

Our Goals

The goals of the UKPA are to advance the cause of polyamory in the UK following the model of other campaigning organisations such as Stonewall. We intend to do this through many methods including the following:

‣  Providing statistics about the uptake of polyamory in the UK

‣  Producing education materials about polyamory

‣  Bringing together and supporting the diverse in-person and online polyamory communities in the UK

‣  Tracking the portrayal of polyamory in the media

‣  Working with companies to create polyamory friendly HR policies

‣  Research what changes are needed in UK law to support polyamorous families

Our Currrent Priorities:

‣  Responding to the Office of National Statistic consultation on the next Census with a view to including one or more questions related to polyamory

‣  Reaching out to organisations like Stonewall to learn what we can from people who have done this before

‣  Research provision of educational resources

‣  Research cost and design of national surveys

‣  Collect examples of existing polyamory friendly corporate HR policies

‣  Work with the Green Party to help them develop their policy position on polyamorous families....

They link to 54 local poly groups in the UK. They have, wisely, posted their Ethics and Values statement and Code of Conduct out front from the start.

And, UKPA is working to restart the UK Polyday convention, an annual tradition since 2004 that's gone missing since 2020. The date: September 19, 2026. They're asking for volunteers to help make it go. Get on their newsletter list for more.

●   Lastly,

Metamour Day is coming right up

 

It's this Saturday, February 28th, Valentines Day times two. "Celebrating polyamory's most distinctive relationship."

Make your plans now, and spread this or other graphics on your social media:

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And... if you don't get what our particular future has to do with the war in Ukraine...  you need a longer view. 

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