How ENM and poly values "counter authoritarianism and improve collective well-being." Yearnings grow for non-nuclear chosen family, poly or not. And more.
How non-monogamy’s principles of collaboration and mutual care challenge hierarchical power structures.
Aria Diana
My heart feels heavy right now.... The recent U.S. presidential election underscores that, as a society, we are far from okay. We’re witnessing the damaging effects of a deeply embedded supremacy mindset that teaches domination as the norm, prioritizing control and power over collective well-being. In these times, envisioning an alternative path (and then building it, together) feels more crucial than ever.An increasingly authoritarian America stands to learn profoundly from the transformative values of non-monogamy, compersion, and abundant love. The work we’re doing to unlearn toxic monogamy and cultivate healthier, more expansive relationship ecosystems transcends the personal—it’s a direct challenge to the hierarchical, scarcity-driven systems embedded in our culture.Non-monogamy teaches us flexibility, empathy, and a commitment to relational abundance and collective care, values that stand in stark opposition to the harmful frameworks that dominate mainstream society. Embracing these principles of ... shared well-being confronts the corrosive narrative of rugged individualism and resource hoarding.......Non-monogamous values challenge these norms by fostering interconnectedness, openness, and a reimagined sense of community. ...We create networks of love and support that honor autonomy and nurture a more embodied sense of security, dignity, and belonging... opposing the scarcity-driven, hierarchical frameworks where billionaires hoard wealth while [many or most] struggle to survive.
...Here are five powerful ways non-monogamous values counter authoritarianism and inspire collective well-being:Letting Go of Ownership: Non-monogamy disrupts the notion of ownership within relationships, encouraging appreciation, gratitude and respect.... Extending this principle beyond relationships, we can challenge harmful attachments to ownership over land, resources, and people. Let us shift from a mindset rooted in control and divisive “us versus them” thinking to one grounded in respect for autonomy, dismantling the forces of exploitation... that fuel a culture of extraction and inequality.Reconceptualizing Security and Power: In American culture, security is often equated with dominance, surveillance, violence, mandates, power struggles, and resource hoarding. Non-monogamous relationships, by contrast, demonstrate that security is built on trust, care, mutually created agreements, openness and vulnerability. When we project control onto others, we may actually undermine the... safety we hope to create....Promoting Abundance Thinking: Compersion and non-monogamy show us that love and connection are limitless, contrasting the scarcity mindset often reinforced by the isolated nuclear family model. ... Rather than viewing resources as finite and hoarding them, we can embrace collective stewardship....Embracing Compersion Over Competition: ...A society that celebrates others’ successes without competition and rivalry fosters empathy and interconnectedness. ...Cultivating Emotional Intelligence and Non-Violent Communication: Non-monogamy requires deep self-awareness, emotional intelligence, and the ability to have respectful, open dialogue to find mutually acceptable solutions that can work for many people with different needs. ...Despite what’s happening on the national level, let’s continue to work together with our neighbors, polycules and wider local relational ecosystems to create regenerative communities rooted in collective support, abundance — and the understanding that when we care for one another, everyone can truly flourish....
Family is everything for Chaneé Jackson Kendall. But her family doesn't look like what society has told us it should. That's because she's Black and polyamorous; the influencer space and mass media might make you think most polyamorous people – like families – look the same. White...."We've been polyamorous for a while," says Ebony Hagans, a polyamory expert and creator of the @marjanilane Instagram account. "It's not something that we just started doing two days ago." They saw a "huge gap of education between the Black community and just a general nonmonogamous community." [Here she is talking about "mistakes I've made as a polyamorous person":]
Some argue "as polyamory gains interest and becomes more accessible, Black, queer femme and nonbinary individuals should be centered," says a recent research paper by polyamorous psychologist Manijeh Badiee and personal coach Evita Sawyers; "they are enhancing polyamory discourse by discussing marginalization beyond queerness and providing strategies for survival and resistance." ..."I personally do not date white folks in the polyamory community, because my experience has not been too great," Oliveira says. "There's definitely an aspect of being fetishized that is really wild to me."Sawyers adds: "We tend to think of racism as looking a particular way, but fetishization is a form of racism. And so I may not experience going to a polyamorous event and someone calling me something (derogatory) or saying some kind of microaggression, although that has occurred, but what I will experience is people fetishizing me."Of course, not everyone has negative experiences. "In general... in the poly community that I've been part of in whichever city, I've definitely seen most of the white people have been really understanding, and they they want to learn," adds Abhijith Asok, who is polyamorous. "They really want to learn more. So they do ask questions and those things like that. But at the end of the day, the job of teaching them also falls on you." ...If you have another polyamory story you'd like to share, email doliver@usatoday.com.
What if we organized our “village” in a different way?By Rachael Rifkin
Getty imagesWhen you picture a “typical” American family, it might look something like this: two parents, their 2.5 kids and a house in a neighborhood that does not include their extended family or friends. ... But this is only a recent idea of how our lives should be structured. The self-reliant nuclear family has never been a sustainable model, and has historically not worked for certain groups, like BIPOC, low-income, queer found family and polyamorous folks. ...Amidst changes in the economy, urbanization, immigration, caregiving burnout, rising loneliness and marriage and reproduction rates, there’s been a shift away from the self-reliant nuclear family as the center for family life. ... Instead, people are returning to the idea of having a strong support network and living with or near the people we’re closest with, just like we did for most of humanity. In fact, it’s become such a ubiquitous desire that if you’re having a conversation with someone of millennial age or younger, it’s only a matter of time before they wistfully bring up their dream of getting a plot of land with their friends and living in a more communal way.“We create memes and jokes about it, but why don't we actually do it?” asks [the noted polyfamily blogger, coach and influencer] Jessica Daylover, a digital media producer, entertainer, and mom of two, one of whom has high medical, emotional and social needs. “Because it takes a lot of time and money to buy land and build a big house or several houses, so it's probably not going to happen for 99.99% of people who want to do it. But something that would change my life immensely is living with or at least sharing resources with just one other family — just one. It's like a micro version of the bigger dream.”Phil Levin knows exactly how difficult it is to create an intentional community from scratch with friends. He helped found the co-owned Oakland community Radish, which has six buildings and 10 units, and is home to 19 adults and five babies. ...“The core impulse behind communal living is wanting a happier, healthier, more social life with more support,” said Levin. “People often find life overwhelming when they don’t have enough support, particularly when they’re taking care of kids or parents, or need their own extra help.”Daylover couldn’t find [such a community], so she’s currently in the process of making an app through crowdfunding. Nuclear Fusion will match people looking to support each other’s caregiving needs (childcare, senior care, errand running, house and pet sitting, companionship, etc.) as well as teach the skills needed to build and maintain a village [not to mention a poly home], like how to communicate, advocate for your needs, and navigate decision making and conflict.The app will function similar to a dating app, with the security and background checks of nanny-finding platforms like SitterCity and Care.com. ...Phil recently started the social real estate platform LiveNearFriends, which helps people find homes that are within a short walk of friends and family. ...Rhaina Cohen, a producer and editor for the NPR podcast Embedded, discussed the importance of having a variety of different close relationships in her book, The Other Significant Others: Reimagining Life with Friendship at the Center. ...“We're taught that a romantic relationship is only successful if it functions as a one-stop-shop — where we can meet our needs for a confidant, co-parent, roommate, best friend and more,” she adds. “If a couple feels overwhelmed by all the responsibilities that fall to them, they may fault their relationship or themselves as individuals, rather than realize that we need larger support networks. One person is not enough to share all of life's burdens and joys.”We weren’t always so focused on individual family units.
The benefits of having a village cannot be overstated. Studies have shown that healthy people who are more socially connected live longer, and that communities who engage in social connection regularly enjoy better health outcomes than communities who don’t. And according to the Harvard Happiness study, your relationships predict your happiness and healthiness later in life. It makes sense — villages are about taking care of each other and making sure everyone gets what they need.Historically, having a village is also how we survived. “Anthropologists believe that for 95% of human history, we evolved within an egalitarian social structure. This shaped us to thrive on close social bonds, mutual support and shared responsibilities. We are hardwired to seek connection, collaboration, and fairness,” wrote Andie... who has a degree in anthropology and goes by Ancestral Habits on Instagram, in a May 20, 2024 post, citing evidence in How We Got Stuck: The Origins of Hierarchy and Inequality and Civilized to Death: The Price of Progress. ...---------------------------------...Sam and Ben are polyamorous and in a triad with Allie Long (they all date each other, and are open to dating others as well), who moved in with them in June 2023. All three co-parent together. “After my divorce, I was coming to terms with the fact that I might not have kids,” Allie says. “It all took shape at once. Sam's parents have been incredibly welcoming and wonderful.”Allie is a musician, as are Sam’s parents. Before Allie moved in, Sam’s parents had gotten out of the habit of playing music. Now all three play their instruments after dinner, which is something Sam’s parents used to do when Sam was growing up. “It means a lot to them to have so much music back in the house,” Sam says.Sam’s parents also appreciate knowing that there are three adults living at the house. “Both Allie and Ben work remotely, so there's almost always at least one of us there during the day. I think that’s really comforting to them,” Sam says. “And with so many adults there, Ben and I have more time for ourselves and our hobbies, so we can feel like more than just parents.”Ember Cooley lives with a platonic partner who is aromantic, which means having little to no romantic attraction to others, and they often open their home to their village of loved ones.They once lived with a roommate who has a young daughter. “When this child lived with us, caring for her became a community effort, involving people dear to us, including my partner's father, who we rent from and lives upstairs, and some neighbors,” Ember says. “Eventually, they found good housing far away, so we text and video call her daughter regularly, and have her stay with us on school breaks.”They consider each of their loved ones irreplaceable. “Each deserves regular conversation about our needs and expectations, even if we have never been romantic or sexual. I value all the types of love I'm lucky enough to receive, equally,” Ember says.Families have to be intentional about their organization.
Though the American family has changed, tax breaks, healthcare, citizenship and protection against discrimination still mainly applies to the nuclear family.Lawyer Diana Adams thinks that U.S. laws need to expand to include protections for a diversity of families, and has helped spearhead efforts to do so in a variety of states. Most recently, they were part of the coalition that drafted and passed bills in Oakland and Berkeley to extend non-discrimination laws to cover individuals with diverse family and intimate relationship structures, including multi-partner/multi-parent families and relationships, step-families, multi-generational households, non-nuclear family structures, consensually nonmonogamous relationships and platonic partnerships, including asexual and aromantic relationships. “It benefits all of us to allow for the kinds of families that exist and give them the support they need to be stable,” Adams says. ...No matter what kind of family or village you have or want to have, setting up agreements and really getting to know each other ahead of time is important. In particular, Adams encourages people and potential communities to make co-living agreements and parenting agreements, which are out-of-court agreements that you can make through contract law.“What's important is that people make really clear what their expectations are,” they add. “If you don't make a plan for how you communicate with each other, the loudest person is always going to be the default leader. It’s important that we be mindful about the power dynamics of gender, race, and class too, and think about what our decision making process is going to be and what our shared values are.”Another thing to keep in mind: Before you make agreements and get started, you go slow. “Make sure that you've had your first fights and worked on a major project together that's going to be stressful and intense to see and develop that level of trust first,” Adams says. ...
By Denette Wilford
“We know that there are more people choosing to live in polyamorous relationships,” said Alyssa Bach, an associate at Shulman & Partners. “What we are still understanding is how it may play out when these relationships end. It’s definitely not straightforward, and without some type of agreement it can be complex and confusing....“As family lawyers, we advise individuals, couples and families, including anyone living in a polyamorous arrangement, to have an agreement in place to reduce potential conflict in the event of a breakup,” Bach recommended.
Getty She added people can change the description of the relationship after they walk away, creating possible “complexities in the event of a breakup and request for support.”However, to help navigate these, for the most part, unchartered waters, Shulman & Partners suggests those in polyamorous relationships should be proactive with discussions and have an agreement in place detailing daily living and the rights and obligations of all involved.They also point out that the possibilities of a separation should be considered, so each individual involved should factor in support payments, how property is handled and whether contact with non-biological children will continue. ...
It's not an attraction to an individual or even to a couple, but to a couple's dynamic.
“Symbiosexual is a term to describe an individual who is attracted to the energy, dynamic, or connectedness between people in an existing relationship,” explains queer sex educator Gabrielle Kassel. Most commonly, the term refers to a single (or non-partnered) person interested in or turned on by the idea of joining a pre-existing couple. “However, this term could also refer to someone enchanted by the dynamics of a pre-existing polycule or throuple.” ...
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The book tour has been wonderful, with engaged and engaging crowds all over the US and on my recent trip to London, where Ro Moed and I did an event. I’ve been absolutely humbled by the messages I’ve received from folks who have found the book helpful in planning moves in with their partners, or in finding new angles to consider problems of long standing in their households based on the ways people I spoke to in my survey had handled them. Seeing that [item in] the New York Times among a number of books I admire a lot, after I took a moment to remember to breathe, is also great. I hope a lot of people find the examples and information in the book useful, for themselves and for clients if they’re in helping professions.I’ve got interviews with a few magazines and papers in the wind 🤷♀️. I also recorded an interview for a segment of an NPR Planet Money podcast but they haven’t confirmed if they’ll use it.
Here was a country with a tragic history that had at last begun to build, with great effort, a better society. What made Ukraine different from any other country I had ever seen—certainly from my own—was its spirit of constant self-improvement, which included frank self-criticism. For example, there’s no cult of Volodymyr Zelensky in Ukraine—a number of Ukrainians told me that he had made mistakes, that they’d vote against him after the war was won. Maxim Prykupenko, a hospital director in Lviv, called Ukraine “a free country aspiring to be better all the time.” The Russians, he added, “are destroying a beautiful country for no logical reason to do it. Maybe they are destroying us just because we have a better life.”
Women defenders on our world's eastern front |
Whenever people write to my office [asking why we are supporting Ukraine,] I answer, 'Google Sudetenland, 1938.' We could have stopped a murderous dictator who was bent on geographic expansion…at a relatively low cost. The result of not doing so was 55 million deaths.
Labels: #Black&Poly, #ChosenFamilies, #CommunityVsFascism, #GroupLiving, #IntentionalCommunities, #polyfamilies