Friday Polynews Roundup — Activists on the Tamron Hall show, two poly plays, poly-mono crises, my mission, and more

Once again, it's Friday Polynews Roundup!  — for January 24, 2020.

● Polyfolks do the Tamron Hall show. Yesterday five of our fine representatives went on the new Tamron Hall daytime TV talk show, which is syndicated to stations by ABC/Disney and reportedly has 1.3 million viewers daily. Kevin and Antoinette Patterson and their polycule partners Chrissy Holman and Pace, plus open-relationship psychologist Dr. Justin Clardy, held forth for about 11 minutes during the second half of the one-hour show.

Many of you, alerted beforehand by Chrissy's social campaign, watched and then swarmed into the show's Facebook, Instagram, and Twitter with supportive comments and explanations.

Antoinette and Kevin Patterson. "Ignore that tacky backdrop," writes co-guest Chrissy
Holman. "We said polyamory despite what the media would have you think."

 
So far the show's website has only 1½ minutes of the video up (and it's not embeddable here as best I can tell). But a friendly person got low-res video of the whole thing by pointing her phone at the TV for the three segments between ads. At that link: Left, Antoinette and Kevin start off alone. Bottom right, Justin Clardy came next. Top right, all four partners close it out. Too bad they got so little time as a group of four.

Posts Chrissy,

Our day was bananas. Talking to a mostly non-sympathetic audience of over one million people about polyamory wasn't an easy task, but we did it. Live. That took a lot - make no mistake. I am drained and I'm sure my Phillycule is, too.

The stars getting prepped to go on.

I am proud of us. We did our best with what they gave us, which wasn't much, but we made lemonade and will continue to do so. Hopefully this is a catalyst for many future conversations. Let's normalize and destigmatize non-monogamy. It's clear given their questions and assumptions that there's much work to be done. I'm here for it.

My personal mission is simple - make polyamory inclusive, center folks at the margins, and make polyamory as BORING as possible. My dream is to pick up a book or see a movie where there are polyam folks of all races, genders, abilities, and orientations... BUT... it's a non issue. No one even bats an eye. It becomes a non-issue."

...There's so much love and compassion, and this is what we need. I hope others can have the same love and support we're so blessed to have."

BTW — Come meet Kevin in person in two weeks at Loving More's Poly Living convention in Philadelphia!  He's keynoting the con on Friday night. See you there.



● In Dan Savage's "Savage Love letter of the day," a sad and oh-so-typical crisis of a poly-mono couple who married five years ago without discussing and learning of their basic incompatibility on like, maybe, the second date? Much less before getting married? At least there are no kids yet. She Can't Do What He's Asking Her To Do — So What Should She Do? (Jan. 21).

All I want to do is to cheat on my husband of five years, whom I love passionately. My husband is intelligent, goofy, athletic, respectful, adventurous, and intellectually curious. We share the same values, sense of humor, and hobbies. We have great conversations and amazing sex. But I’m always falling for other men, which has never diminished my love for my husband. Crushing on other men is exhausting, thrilling, and miserable. I hate the unavoidable blushing, ear-to-ear smiling, crippling guilt, and occasional panic attack. (Compounding the misery, I can’t giggle with anyone about my crushes since I’m a married lady. I instead repress everything, which feels horrible.) Two years ago, I thought I had a solution: severing ties with all my male friends and acquaintances. This ended badly. ...

My rant: When I got into polyamory-awareness activism 15 years ago, the concept that multi-relationshipping could be successful and joyous was practically unknown. A life mission I privately set for myself was to help make it a cultural norm that when a dating relationship turns serious, the question "Do you want us to be open or closed?" is right up there with things like "Do you ever want to have kids?" Rather than just assuming that of course everybody who's worthwhile always turns monogamous, there's no other way except being a rat, no need to ask.

And not just no asking, no cultural room for telling. Even in the most intimate soul-relationship of your life.

I'm kind of amazed that, as early as 2020, this discussion has gone from culturally unthinkable to a fairly widely known wise thing to do — across much of the Western world and beginning to spread elsewhere (India, Russia, Japan...). Too bad this couple failed to get word that they could and should, you know, talk.


● Two poly-centered plays are making news in California's Bay Area: How to Transcend a Happy Marriage by noted playwright Sarah Ruhl, reviewed in the San Francisco Chronicle (Jan. 20) and elsewhere, and PolySHAMory, a solo standup show by Kate Robards, also reviewed in the San Francisco Chronicle (Jan. 12) and elsewhere.

Both plays have been going around for two or three years; see my past posts for Transcend and PolySHAMory. From those SF Chronicle reviews,

[How to Transcenda Happy Marriage]   Take all your feelings about matrimony and monogamy, in all their contradictions. ... Maybe you revere the way present-tense love can stretch forward and backward in time while you also chafe at the limitations of giving your whole self to only one person. Maybe you’re curious about what other modes and loves are out there but too afraid to admit it or explore what that means. Maybe all that affection and lust you feel — for your partner, but also friends, co-workers — resist the compartmentalization the world demands.

“How to Transcend a Happy Marriage” acknowledges all those feelings and then, miraculously, stages a kind of ritual that makes them all OK.

In Sarah Ruhl’s play ... orgy becomes sylvan vision quest, which in turn leads to botched animal sacrifice. Everything falls apart. There are cops and protests and scars and fractures and losses, all manner of trauma. But the result is that two heterosexual couples, all best friends, are a little less tethered, a little more truthful with themselves and each other, a little bit more like the family they perhaps always secretly wanted to be. ...

[PolySHAMory]   Kate Robards recounts how a Cinderella story of a wedding devolved into a nightmare of a marriage. She describes the nightmare as her relationship’s particular breed of polyamory, but you can imagine members of the poly community questioning her use of the label. In Robards’ telling, her now ex-husband drives each step of the pair’s decision to start looking for “paramours,” as she fakes enthusiasm in return — sometimes hilariously, her words drying up, no more sound squeaking out — or awkwardly acquiesces.

If polyamory is supposed to come from a superabundance of love, receptivity and openness, Robards incarnates her ex, Josh, as a meathead prone to glossing over pain and complexity with a “Hey, babe.” ...

So is Robards a total poly-basher? Well, no. From an interview with the Chronicle January 7th:

Q: I was wondering if with the word “sham” you had any worries about reinforcing simplistic stereotypes about polyamory.

A: I’ve had a lot of people who are polyamorous come to my show, including friends … and they were like, “We get enough of a hard rap for this, and we don’t need one more person telling a bad story about it.” But I have to remind them that as an artist I have a point that I’m getting to and ideas and questions which are unanswered to me, which I want to explore in the piece, and they get that.

...Anytime you do anything autobiographical, I think you have to tread the line of being respectful to the communities and the people you speak about. … I make sure to use my “I” statements. It’s my personal story. It is authentic and it is autobiographical. I make sure not to delve into the other people’s perceptions, the other characters’. It’s just my point of view. It’s truly a monologue.

● Honeysuckle magazine is a black-culture print and digital quarterly. Now up: Porn and Politics with King Noire and Jet Setting Jasmine: On Being Black and Polyamorous (online Jan. 22). Jasmine and King Noire are "the powerhouse couple behind the award-winning adult entertainment company Royal Fetish Films."

By Keyanah Nurse

Although polyamory is neither new nor revolutionary, the increased buzz around it brings forth a slew of questions around how polyamorous people and communities appear within mainstream media. As others have rightfully highlighted, coverage largely focuses on polyamory’s white middle class practitioners, creating the impression that polyamory simply isn’t for people of color. But even when larger media outlets specifically highlight this issue, their analyses always stop short of simply acknowledging that yes, people of color, and black people particularly, practice polyamory. Such coverage is useful insofar as it provides a platform for the conferences, online communities, and books that have emerged specifically by and for black polyamorous people. However, it still begs the simple question: how does it work? ...

● Metamour Day this year is gonna be a Thing! It's February 28, Valentine's Day times two. And as told here last week, the National Coalition for Sexual Freedom (NCSF) is throwing its weight behind making this take hold in 2020 after a good start last year.

NCSF says its purpose for Metamour Day is "honoring polyamory's most distinctive relationship," as well as

to foster acceptance and heighten understanding of consensual non-monogamy (“CNM”), strengthen the CNM community, and create awareness of the NCSF mission.

In an effort to broaden the reach and celebration of this holiday, we encourage you to spread the word and host an event for your community. Some of our supporters are hosting parties, others are participating in our greeting card contest (details on the website), and using our hashtag #MetamourDay2020 on social media to promote the occasion. We would love to hear about what you do so we can share in the fun and boost Metamour Day now and into the future.

Eventually, we want to create an archive of information and examples of the fantastic things our constituents do to acknowledge this important relationship. Additionally, if you need any participation from us, we are happy to help. Please let us know if you’re interested by reaching us at metamourday@ncsfreedom.org at your earliest convenience. Please visit our website, https://ncsfreedom.org/metamour-day-2/, for more information.

Used by permission. Click to embiggen.

● And before that comes #PolyamoryWeek, February 9 – 15, though I'm seeing less momentum there so far. Yet people do keep putting up graphics on Instagram....

See you next Friday, or sooner if stuff comes up!

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Friday Polynews Roundup — Dilbert, things monos can learn from us, a bad-poly play, 12 Pillars, and more

It's Friday Polynews Roundup time for December 13, 2019.

● We gotta start with this one: the December 7 Dilbert strip:

It does confuse what "polyamory" means, which is not just dating two people. That's called "open relationship." Or, "dating." Think instead, "loving relationships with an understanding that everyone's part of the same team."

Thanks to everyone who sent this.


● Broadway World announces a one-person play about poly gone bad: Kate Robards Returns to The Marsh San Francisco with POLYSHAMORY (Dec. 11).

...Kate has everything she's ever dreamed of...but so does Kate's husband's girlfriend. With a polyamory therapist and sex-positive ethos, Kate begins a polyamorous marriage that goes wrong. A story of his and her. And hers. And his. And sex. And therapy. And love. ...

PolySHAMory has been welcomed by critics, who called it "a remarkably cohesive narrative" (The Washington Post) and "a rich portrait of a complex life" (DC Theatre Scene), while Robards was praised for her "warm and friendly personality" (Montreal Rampage) and her ability to "create a comfortably comedic atmosphere" (DC Metro Theater Arts).

One-minute trailer:

Omar Lopez / Unsplash

● In the young-women's online mag YourTango: The 12 Principles Of Polyamory (And How They Can Benefit Any Relationship) (Dec. 12). This stemmed from writer and sex educator Jeana Jorgensen rediscovering "The 12 Pillars of Polyamory" by Ken Haslam, an energetic poly activist during the crucial early years when the bandwagon was barely starting to move. Jorgensen adds her own commentary on the 12 Pillars, which are

1. Authenticity
2. Choice
3. Transparency
4. Trust
5. Gender equality
6. Honesty
7. Open communication
8. Non-possessiveness
9. Consensual
10. Accepting of self-determination
11. Sex positivity
12. Compersion​​

The 12 Pillars, BTW,  originated with Ken's talk to Polyamorous NYC on March 19, 2008, which seems like ancient history now. His talk was soon online, widely reprinted, and influential during that key period.

Ken later founded and funded the Kenneth R. Haslam Collection on Polyamory at the Kinsey Institute Library, to gather and archive papers and other materials documenting the origins and history of the modern polyamory movement for future researchers.^[1]


● Also on YourTango this week: I Used To Be In A Polyamorous Relationship — Here Are The 3 Major Things Polyamory Taught Me (Dec. 6). They picked this up from PopSugar, where it first appeared Nov. 14. I mentioned it then, but here are excerpts:

By Lexi Inks

...After unexpectedly reconnecting with an acquaintance and now my current partner (the love of my life, to clarify), I came to discover that he was polyamorous with two committed romantic partners. This came as a surprise to me, especially because I hadn't met anyone who was poly, much less learned about it at length.

...Speaking from experience, I can confirm that plenty of poly relationships are committed partnerships founded on love and deep connection.

...Communication is imperative; without it, someone is going to get hurt. ... Without voicing and sharing your thoughts/feelings/desires/needs, not only will you be unhappy and unfulfilled, but your partner will also continue to be at a disadvantage because they don't know how to be a better partner for you.

...Repeat after me: My partner can care about people other than me. Although this isn't the case in monogamy, your partner can (and should!) have healthy platonic relationships with people other than you. Seriously, you should not be the only important person in your partner's life.

..."Compersion" can be difficult to learn and practice for those new to non-monogamy.... As my relationship progressed and I settled into compersion, I realized that it's applicable to every relationship, monogamous ones included.

...While the lifestyle isn't for everyone, anyone can take these lessons and make their relationships deeper, more loving, and more fulfilling.

● Prevention magazine — that old health-supplement marketing tool that got my grandmother to buy into every expensive swallowing fad that came and went^[2] — has modernized under Hearst ownership for the digital age. That means getting on the consensual non-monogamy horse: Sleep Diaries, Naked Edition: A Divorced Mom Explores Ethical Non-monogamy (Dec. 6). Sleep Diaries is a feature "where interesting people share a week’s worth of late-night habits." This one follows Michelle, a 38-year-old divorced poly mom.


● With the holidays coming up, 10 Non-Confrontational Gifts For Your Girlfriend’s Other Partner in the very poly-friendly Autostraddle, "the world’s most popular lesbian website, with over one million unique visitors and 3.5 million views per month" (Dec. 11). The gift suggestions for polyfolks are unremarkable; Autostraddle too get commissions on sales of featured products.


● News You Can Use

So this week's news crop was fairly thin. Here's something substantial and useful from the poly community itself: The ever-cogent Page Turner's Best Practices for Negotiating Polyamorous Relationship Agreements on her Poly.Land blog. Andrea Green, editor of South Africa's ZaPoly site and discussion list, boosted it as worthy of a spotlight. I agree.

While I’ve had a number of polyamorous relationship agreements over the years, the best ones all had one thing in common: They were very specific, very clear, and comprehensive.

An agreement should meet everyone’s needs. In order to figure out what these are, make sure to devote adequate time for discussion.

As a starting point, here are some questions that have guided developing agreements that I’ve made in the past:

– How much freedom or autonomy do we need?
– What concerns us re: sexual safety?
– What painful scenarios have we run into in the past that we are we looking to avoid? Are there any measures that we can implement to prevent these?
– How do we feel about relationship vetoes?
– Do we want to have a permission structure (i.e., to have a standard that we ask and obtain approval from an existing partner before we start a new relationship) or a notification structure (i.e., don’t need permission but should tell our partners after things happen)? Or something else altogether (e.g., don’t ask don’t tell, etc.)?
– What are the consequences of breaking the relationship agreement?

And this is just a beginning. Developing a comprehensive understanding of each other’s concerns can be quite a twisty-turny process and lead to all sorts of places that are hard to predict until you get in the thick of things. ...

Each week going forward, I'll try to highlight something like this that's really useful and worthy from the community. Your suggestions welcome. Mailto: alan7388@gmail.com.


See you next Friday, or sooner if big stuff comes up!


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1.  If you have any such papers in the back of your attic, write to Liana Zhou, Special Collections Librarian, Kinsey Institute Library (zhoul@indiana.edu) to get shipping instructions — before you die and your heirs, not knowing their significance, throw them out forever.

2.  Finally they admit it: "Prevention participates in various affiliate marketing programs, which means we may get paid commissions on editorially chosen products...."

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