An alignment of polyamory and queer in recent media

A bunch of the polyamory in the media this week involved parallels between the poly world and LGBTQIA+ queerdom.

Polyfolks as such don't qualify as queer in my own opinion (others disagree), first because so many are sexually and romantically straight. And secondly, while most LGBT+ people feel born this way, quite a few polyfolks feel the relationship style was their choice after they realized it was possible (see big discussion happening on reddit). So if you want to get word-ish, call our relationships "weird," not "queer." 

But there sure is a lot of overlap! And not just because self-identified bisexuals are many times more abundant in the poly world than in the general population. We face similar sex-negative stigma and discrimination as queer folx; we are always weighing and discussing whether to be closeted, out-and-proud, or sort of out here and there; and in similar ways we seek to find each other, create community, and declare and defend ourselves to the world.   

So it's only natural that the weekly magazine OutFront ("The queer stories you want. The media you trust.") would publish this manifesto: The Polyamorous Community and the Fight for Acceptance (Nov. 16).

It's only four paragraphs long and dwells on legalizing group marriage (something that, according to surveys, much of the poly world supports in principle but not very many want for themselves).

Here's much of it:

  

By Vienna Austin

...When the historical and current oppression of the LGBTQ community is discussed, one specific group’s oppression, one that exists very prevalently in the broader queer community today, is often left out. This group is the polyamorous community.

Despite significant progress for the queer community, the marriage of polyamorous relationships, polygamy, is criminalized in much of the world, including the United States. Polyamorous people, a community defined by their compatibility with a mode of romantic and sexual relationship organization that includes more than two individuals, can face anywhere from a felony charge to a misdemeanor charge for marriage, depending on the state.

...Though acceptance is growing of this community, it is still extremely low. According to Gallup polls, the percentage of Americans who see polygamy as morally acceptable went from 7 percent in 2003 to 20 percent in 2020. This is drastically lower than the 72 percent who believe that homosexuality should be socially accepted, according to the Pew Research Center. ...

...With queer issues being increasingly prevalent in the public consciousness, it is time for our societies to acknowledge and to fight the oppression of the polyamorous community.

The whole piece.

● If you're going to be out and proud on social media you may get some shit, but social is full of the out and proud anyway. This FFM triad posts videos about their life as @3. Mountains. They have 240,000 followers on TikTok alone. Daily Motion just published a 6-minute vid of theirs: We Got Hate Mail for Being Poly / Love Don't Judge (Nov. 15). The video comes from last year when they got themselves featured in the British tabloids.

From the Daily Motion story that goes with it:

 

A POLYAMOROUS THROUPLE have spoken of the backlash they've received for their relationship -- including anonymous hate letters sent to their places of work.

Maggie, 27, and Cody, 31, first met on Tinder in 2016 and got together almost immediately. Realising they were both interested in polyamory, they downloaded a dating app for non-monogamous people, hoping to find someone to have a fling with. Meanwhile, Janie, 26, had recently discovered she was bisexual and downloaded the same app in search of some fun. She soon matched with Cody and Maggie -- and the rest is history. She joked: "We were supposed to just have a casual threesome -- but then I never left."

So who sent hate mail to their employers? An offended Christian? Nope. It was a fellow queer person apparently; they denounced one of the women as not being truly queer. We've seen the three laughing about this before (see bottom of the link). So, do we really live in a world now where being insufficiently queer is supposed to get you in trouble with your boss?

●  Are asexuals queer? Whatever your answer to that, aces, like mainstream queers, often find a safe, comfortable home in polyland. In the polyamory subculture, where sex is at least theoretically an abundant rather than a scarce resource, there's less pressure on an ace person to make an intimate relationship sexual. In this way the deep platonic romance is finding, in polyland, a niche of cultural space that it hasn't had for a century. As a friend of mine in a long-term triad says, "Some people get into polyamory to have more sex. Some people get into polyamory to have less sex." Including less pressure for sex in a serious soul- and life-connection.

Canada's gay magazine Xtra just featured a horny young letter writer who hadn't thought to ask their ace love interest about the poly possibility: Should I start dating someone who is asexual even though I want to lose my virginity? (Nov. 16). Columnist Kai Cheng Thom points out,

You mention in your letter, Frustrated, that you’re not all that comfortable with the idea of an open relationship [with the ace person who could be fine with one]. You might want to consider: Why not? ...You definitely don’t have to be in an open or polyamorous relationship if it’s not right for you. But it may be helpful to consider all the options fully before dismissing them off hand. ...

●  Are Monogamous Relationships Dying Out in Favor of a New Way to Date?  So asks a headline writer at AskMen magazine ("become a better man"). The answer is no, BTW — but the headline introduces a long, pretty good Poly/CNM 101 in which we get this:

...At the same time, non-monogamy works sort of like queerness — that flexibility means it’s possible to feel at home engaging in one version of the practice that works best for you rather than trying to be in lockstep with everyone else. Also like queerness, ethical non-monogamy has spawned a host of terms describing these specific forms. ...

Again: I predict that 20 years from now when polyamory is thoroughly known, largely unstigmatized, and available in people's social circles nearly everywhere, monogamy will still be the commonest relationship style at the 80%-plus level. Just because it is the structurally simplest.¹ I'll bet you a beer on that, payable in 2041.² 

●  In the polyamory world as in queerdom, it's common to remain on friendly terms with your exes, though sometimes, of course, that's impossible or just wrong; an abuser should be cut out of your life. But the poly ethic that exes can be genuine lifelong friends has been gaining more foothold in mainstream society, as in this Atlantic interview: What It’s Like to Truly Be Friends With Your Ex (online Nov. 12). It's from an Atlantic series called "The Friendship Files," in which close friends are interviewed together.

In this case it's three friends: Julie, Matt, and Read. The story proceeds far along through normalcy, then takes a turn. 

Wenjia Tang

“We can’t always neatly break things into ‘friends’ or ‘more than friends.’ There’s different kinds of love.”

...Julie: When we moved to Charlotte we got into contra dancing. Matt introduced me to it. The Charlotte contra-dance community was the best. I define community around them. Everyone takes care of each other, when you’re not asked to. Even after moving back to Denver again later, they still feel like family.

Our first polyamorous relationship came from contra dancing, but ultimately she got accepted to a college out of state, and she moved away. We were grateful, because we could feel that it needed to end, but we were able to all stay friends.

Matt: In 2013, we moved from Charlotte back to Denver [again]. We ended up buying a house, which is where Julie is interviewing from right now. Then things got really hard.

Julie: We tried to get into contra dancing in Denver, met another woman through that, and tried a second polyamorous relationship. That lasted through our breakup, and she was really great in supporting both of us.

Read: Multiple lovers, without jealousy.

Julie: [The second woman] was okay with getting into the more romantic side of the relationship. That was the first time I really was able to explore my feelings about women. That, and the need to explore spirituality in a way that Matt didn’t, were probably the two biggest reasons that I needed to leave the relationship. It took me six months to figure my thoughts out, and Matt was the most patient, wonderful partner throughout that.

He was asking a lot, “What can I do better? What have I done?” It sounds so cliché, but, really, it’s not you. It’s me. I need to figure myself out.

Matt: Which is fair. We had been together for 12 years and married for nine. Initially, it was really hard. I remember very distinctly that when Julie felt comfortable enough to open up and to ask for what she wanted, she sat down in the backyard and was sobbing.

[Interviewer]: Was the divorce process contentious or fairly amicable?

Julie: It was very amicable. It was kind of funny. When I went to the court to do the divorce, they expected me to have a lawyer and go through other people to send Matt the document. I was like “No, he’ll sign it, it’s not going to be a problem.”

[Interviewer]: So you didn’t use lawyers?

Julie: No.

Read: The DIY divorce.

Julie: In polyamory, there’s a term, compersion, that pretty much means unconditional love. If you want to be with somebody else and that makes you happy, then that makes me happy. "Allowing" is a funny word, but him allowing me to leave because he wanted me to be happy, and that would make him happy, even though being together would be better in his mind, is compersion. It’s a perfect example.

...[Interviewer]: It sounds like your post-marriage friendship has just recently started to blossom. How has it felt getting back into a deeper friendship recently?

Julie: I am extremely grateful for my wife, who is absolutely not the jealous type. Each of us has experience in polyamory and open relationships, so we don’t have to explain ourselves to each other. She is so okay with me being friends with Matt.

Julie and Matt at their wedding

Matt: I invited Julie and Mythica to come to my birthday party this year. One of my friends afterward was talking to me, and I was like, “You got to meet my ex-wife, Julie, right?” They were like, “Oh, yeah, Julie was so proud that she knew all these things about you.” We were together for 12 years—of course we know each other so deeply.

Julie: I didn’t even realize the extent of our spiritual connection until he moved back to Denver and I could feel his distress. I was texting with him every morning as we were both getting ready for work.

Matt: We still text each other “three things that you’re grateful for today.”

...There are a lot of different flavors of friendship. We can’t always neatly break things into “friends” or “more than friends.” There’s different kinds of love, and there’s different kinds of relationships that you can have with people.

If Julie needed anything, I would do everything I could to make that happen. Even when we were going through the divorce, it was like, What can I do to make this easier? I would say that Julie and I are more than friends. At this point, I categorize Julie as my sister. It’s deeper than friendship, but it’s not romantic, and it’s certainly not sexual.

Julie: My wife and I have this phrase: “Earth words suck.” There just sometimes aren’t the right words to describe the many different kinds of friendship out there.

Those are excerpts. Read the whole thing.

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Elsewhere in the last few days:

● In up to 200 newspapers, advice columnist Amy Dickinson — once a dismissive poly skeptic, in recent years more receptive to what we've been telling her — fields a direct poly-mono question and gives a direct answer. Sadly, I have to agree with her. Relationship’s in trouble if values don’t align (week of Nov. 17)

Dear Amy: My boyfriend and I have been together for a year and a half, and for the most part it has been amazing!

This is the best relationship I’ve ever had.

We’re very much in love. We have talked about marriage and one day starting our own family (he has three children, I have none).

The problem is that recently, my perspective regarding things I’ve believed all of my life has shifted. ... I no longer feel that monogamy is right for me.

...I revealed my feelings to my boyfriend during the summer and suggested an open relationship. It was the hardest thing I’ve ever had to do.... I told him I didn’t see any other way our relationship could work. It all seemed fine until he learned that I had actually slept with someone else (actually, multiple people).

It is obvious that he is hurt, even though I’ve tried to explain to him how my sexual desires for other people don’t reflect my love for him.

He says he’s fine with my choice, but he is visibly upset.

It hurts me to see him hurt, which is not fun.

I’ve started counseling and I’m trying to be patient to see if he can really do this, but is it right to keep this going, knowing that I have no intention on being monogamous, and knowing how much that hurts him?

– Open and Lost in the South

Dear Open: Let’s assume that your take on this is correct, in that your polyamorous lifestyle is devastating to your boyfriend.

Loving relationships are supposed to exist along a basically balanced axis. Partners don’t always get what they want when they want it, but ideally, they will share core values. A core value is a behavior or belief that you place at the center of your life.

Monogamy is a core value.

Polyamory is, too.

These two values are in direct conflict.

Is it fair for you to continue in a relationship where your choices hurt and diminish someone who loves you? Are you being loving and kind toward your partner?

The answer is: no.

But I point out that as always with humans, exceptions happen. Occasionally the mono person in a poly-mono couple becomes fine with it. You do meet contented poly-mono couples like this from time to time. And sometimes the poly person simply makes a choice to forego other people, for life. Possibly they even stick to that, though it sounds like the letter writer tried and failed.

  
●  Finally, a snippet in the Guardian that indicates how widely we are now assumed to be known: Why we should resist the urge to reinvent ourselves after so long in lockdown (Nov. 12)

We want to slip the net and open a cheese shop, or join a polyamorous collective, or throw all our money at bitcoin – but should we?

Making big decisions in the wake of trauma is not always a mistake … but in many cases it is. ...

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1.   Even in poly-rich areas, you find more vees than full triads, more triads than quads, more quads than quints, and polyfamilies of six haven't even earned a special name yet. The pattern is clear: The more complex the structure, the less often it "occurs in nature." Extrapolate this trend the other way, and the couple of two will remain the most common structure of all even in a totally poly-friendly world.

The exception to this rule is the extended poly network. Network poly seems to be the commonest form today, at least in densely populated areas like mine. A large network can absorb and damp out perturbations among its links, to continue on through internal breakups, re-formations, new additions, and dropouts. A poly network is an intimate community. But within a network you almost always see, again, tighter sub-units forming: primary-ish couples, triads and quads, in that same decreasing order of abundance.

2.  Unless by 2041 we're climate refugees in a homeless camp, or fascism refugees in Norway — where, BTW, they've already asked for fleeing Americans to please come settle, especially if you've got a thing for the shipping and fishing industries. Apparently native Norwegians know enough about those to avoid them. Norway and its neighbors did recently make news as the best countries in the world in which to raise a child.

 

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Nico Tortorella and Bethany Meyers, poly TV-star couple, back in the news as they marry

When a celebrity makes news as "polyamorous," you never know what you're gonna get — often a cringe-y misuse of the word. But two who use it accurately are TV star Nico Tortorella (of the Younger series) and life partner Bethany Meyers. They're excellent public representatives of the primary-secondary version of poly — or if you don't like hierarchical language, "anchor and satellites."

Here's more since my post about the two last summer, when they made the cover of The Advocate.

● They're in the news right now for announcing that after 12 years, they just got married. They've published the story of the wedding and their lives leading up to it in the online queer magazine them: Inside Nico Tortorella and Bethany Meyers' Private, Epic Wedding (March 17, 2018).

After crowning each other at the courthouse. (Victoria Matthews photo)

They alternate narrating. Here's from Bethany early in the piece:

If you had to label it, Nico and I are in a queer polyamorous relationship. Labels that help people understand, but not labels that define us. Most think we planned this and one day decided we would be multiple-love kind of people. We didn’t. It’s just the way our relationship developed over 12 years. We became polyamorous without ever really trying, and we let each other go so often; I guess we finally realized it’s the reason we are impenetrable. It’s hard to break something that bends.

As written up in People: Younger’s Nico Tortorella Got Married 'for Real' to Partner in Matching 'Genderblending Ensembles' (March 17)

...While Tortorella and Meyers don’t seek to put labels on themselves or each other, they added that they understand the world’s need for [labels].

“I can be emotionally, physically attracted to men,” he continued. “I can be emotionally, physically attracted to women. The ‘B’ in LGBTQ-plus has been fought for, for so long. I’m not going to be the person that’s like, ‘No, I need a ‘P,’ I need another letter!’ I stand by people that have paved this way for somebody like me.”

● In Women's Health, Bethany goes into greater depth: ‘I’m In A Polyamorous Relationship — Here’s How It Works’ (online March 12):

I’ve been in a polyamorous relationship for almost 12 years, but my partner, Nico, and I didn’t always call it that. In fact, we adopted the "poly" label more as a way to help others understand our relationship, but we just view each other as partners.

We met in college. I was drawn to him because he was one of the first people who challenged the ultra-conservative beliefs I had grown up with, in a noninvasive way. He introduced me to things I now love, like yoga, and there was an instant connection. But our relationship has always been really unique.

...We love each other and are family, but we both believe in letting the other live the life that makes them happy. We realized pretty early that we can’t satisfy each other’s every need, especially when we were living so far away from each other. So we got really honest about dating other people and letting those people into each other’s lives.

That’s just progressed over the last 12 years, so it’s funny to now be putting a polyamorous label on it, when we didn’t have a big conversation about entering into a poly relationship. It’s just what worked for us and it’s where we’ve landed.

But that’s not to say it’s been easy. Nico and I have to operate with full transparency. No Saran Wrap, nothing. I’ve learned that when people find out about things after the fact, it’s incredibly hurtful. But if you’re up front about new partners, you can work through those emotions.

So when I’m going to a party to meet people, Nico knows about that. It’s not a secret. And it’s not a secret to anyone I meet there that I’m with Nico. I would never take someone home unless Nico and I had talked about it first.

Yes, jealousy happens — it’s a human emotion, and we all have that desire to be number one. I’ve found that being really honest about what’s going on in our lives helps combat that.

It’s also important to understand each other’s boundaries. Nico and I have been together for so long that we just get it, and we don’t have to check in with each other about those things a lot. But I dated another woman who was super monogamy-oriented, and I’m not, and we had to set up boundaries that worked for us. We had a zip code rule — we couldn’t date anyone else in the New York area, and that was hard for me. We were never able to find a sweet spot with the boundaries that worked for both of us, and that’s why it didn't last.

[The Most Common Misconceptions About Polyamory]

That’s one of the hardest parts of being polyamorous — finding the right people. There are a lot of people who think they can do this, and then emotions get involved and they can’t. You have to find people who are really in touch with themselves and how they feel.

When I meet someone I’m into, I try to be really upfront but casual at the same time. I’m not exactly yelling, “I’m poly! Wanna be my second girlfriend? It’ll be great!” That’s a lot. But I try to talk about my relationship as realistically as possible. I talk about Nico the way he is. He’s a great person; Nico is an addition to the team, not a subtraction from the team. He’s a support person for me, so it actually is a very positive place to be in.

The label is the scariest thing. People hear “polyamorous” and they think it’s people having sex like crazy and that’s just not how it is.

For Nico and I, the benefits far outweigh the challenges. I feel safe in our relationship. In monogamy, there’s often this fear of “But what if they leave me?” With polyamory, that fear is gone because no one needs to cheat or lie, and we’ve built this place of trust where we can really talk about what’s working and what’s not working. And that feels like a better place for me. Being poly allows us to be authentic and explore what makes us happy in our lives in a way I didn’t feel like I could in monogamous relationships.

Being open about our relationship has been hard on some people in our lives (my family didn't welcome us at our holiday celebrations this year), but mostly, the feedback we’ve gotten has been amazing. ...

We feel like it’s important to talk about it and normalize it, especially because we look like a straight couple in a photo, and we don’t identify with that at all. Being able to sort of get away with that when we’re walking down the street or traveling gives us privileges that most queer people don’t have, but it’s also important to show that being poly and queer can look a lot of different ways.

● Also in Women's Health: This Polyamorous Actor Just Gave A Glimpse Into What Life With Multiple Partners Is Like (Nov. 14, 2017).

Family dynamics are tough and it’s pretty much a given that your family is never going to get you 100 percent. That said, you'd hope that they’d support you most of the time...especially around the holidays.

Unfortunately, Younger actor Nico Tortorella and his partner of 11 years, fitness and wellness entrepreneur Bethany Meyers, say their decision to be open about being polyamorous makes them unwelcome with her family this holiday season.

“Honestly, it’s kind of a sensitive topic right this second,” Nico told People at an event on Monday. “Because of all the attention that the relationship has gotten recently, we are coming up to the holiday season and because of certain things that were said, Bethany and I are not necessarily, completely welcome in her family celebrations this year.”

In July, Nico and Bethany opened up about their sexuality to The Advocate. Nico said at the time that he identifies as pansexual (meaning he’s attracted to everyone regardless of their gender identity or sex) while Bethany identifies as gay.

The couple also opened up about dating other people — Bethany said she’s happy to have casual sex, while Nico prefers to be in love first. “For me, sex is such an explosive exchange of energy between two people that if you’re not connected, energetically, before you have sex, it can be damaging,” he said. (He also added that he has no issues with casual sex — it's just not for him.)

And criticism from family aside, navigating how to best navigate their 11-year relationship hasn't been simple: “I think we’re raised with this idea that you’re supposed to go and find ‘the one,’ especially women,” Bethany said during Nico's podcast, The Love Bomb. “You’re looking for your Prince Charming. You need to be proposed to. There’s this one person you’re searching to find, so the idea of finding a stability partner, and having other things on top of that, feels too messy.”

Still, neither Bethany nor Nico regrets being open about their polyamorous relationship. “It just means we have to talk about it more. There are millions of people in non-traditional relationships that get cut off from their families every single day and it’s not okay,” Nico told People. ...

● That earlier People story: Nico Tortorella Defends Being a Polyamorist (Sept. 13, 2017).

“I’m not in an open relationship so I can go out and just f— whoever I want,” Tortotella explains in the Bravo clip. “For me, it’s more about the ability to emotionally connect with people outside of my primary partner.”

● The Bravo clip, ending with a snappy comeback:

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Poly and Everyday Feminism: 3 weeks, 3 articles

The modern polyamory movement continues to carry forward the feminist outlook of its female founders 30 years ago. Increasingly onboard of late is the popular online magazine Everyday Feminism, boasting 4.5 million visits a month. It posted four polyamory articles in October, after putting up about one a month for most of 2015 and only one or two a year before that.

Here are snips from the three new ones since I noted Sian Ferguson's 5 Myths About Love, Sex, and Relationships That Stop Us From Accepting Polyamory.

3 Ways Polyamorous People Are Excluded in Queer Communities – And Why It’s Wrong

iStock

By Sian Ferguson

Finding a queer community saved my life. I’m not exaggerating.... Finally, I could live out my truth as a pansexual person while being supported and loved by a large, beautiful group of people I felt connected to and in alignment with.

Queer communities are incredibly important... But they can be oppressive too.... After coming out as polyamorous, I encountered yet another source of exclusion in the queer spaces I used to navigate....

Heteronormativity promotes certain kinds of sex, relationships and families as ‘normal’, ‘natural’ and ‘acceptable’. Namely, it privileges monogamy, heterosexuality, sex between married partners, and sex for reproductive purposes.

...Homonormativity, on the other hand, is the assimilation of queer people (especially homosexual people) into a heteronormative system without challenging the core ideas of heteronormativity.

Homonormativity is heteronormativity repackaged and tied up with an elaborate rainbow ribbon.... Queers often assimilate to heteronormative ideals because we want the same kind of privilege that is afforded to straight people.... But instead of aiming for assimilation into a system, we should be challenging the system itself.

Let’s take a look at some of the ways polyamorous people are excluded and marginalized by some queer communities.

1. We’re Ignored In The Push For ‘Marriage Equality’....

2. We’re Harmed By The Promotion of Normative Family Structures. All families are structured differently. What matters is not the quantity of family members, but the quality of the relationships between those families.

I grew up in a home with an interesting familial structure. My mother was a single parent and I was raised mostly by her and my grandparents. My older siblings, aunts and uncles, cousins and other extended family members were very involved in my upbringing....

3. We’re Harmed By Sex-Shaming Sentiments. ...Queer communities can be sites for radical change, acceptance, love and healing. But when these communities reproduce oppressive ideas, they perpetuate the status quo instead of challenging it....

Here's the whole article (October 25, 2015)


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Three days earlier, a long one:

15 Comments Polyamorous People Are Tired of Getting

iStock

By Miri Mogilevsky

When people find out that I’m polyamorous and that I prefer to date multiple partners with everyone’s knowledge and consent, I get a variety of responses....

Here are 15 assumptive statements people say to non-monogamous people, and why they are misguided and hurtful.

1. ‘That Could Never Work’. Often accompanied by an anecdote about a friend who tried polyamory and totally hated it, this comment seems like a well-intentioned statement of opinion, but it’s actually very invalidating.... How can you claim that polyamory “doesn’t work” when speaking to someone like me, who’s been happily polyamorous for three years?...

2. ‘You Must Have a Lot of Sex’. ...The fact that someone is polyamorous says nothing about how much or what types of sex they have.

3. ‘So Which One Is Your Main Partner?’...

4. ‘Well, My Partner Is Enough for Me’....

5. ‘Oh, You’ll Find The One Someday’... This is similar to telling a lesbian that she’ll meet the right man someday....

6. ‘You Just Want to Have Your Cake and Eat It, Too’. Statements like these reveal some resentment....

7. ‘But What About Kids?’ Some people, including some polyamorous people, are not interested in having children. Many polyamorous people do raise children with one or more of their partners.... If you’re interested to know how a polyamorous friend sees their future, ask them.

8. ‘You’re Polyamorous So You Can Have Both Genders, Right?’ ...If you find both redheads and brunettes attractive, does that mean you always need to be dating at least one of each?...

9. ‘I’d Never Let My Partner Do That’ (Or ‘Wow, Your Partner Lets You Do That?’). A partner is not a child.

10. ‘Your Partner Just Wants to Take Advantage of You’. It’s valid to worry about someone you care about. Abuse can happen in any relationship. But suggesting that someone is being manipulated or taken advantage of simply because their partner has other partners denies their agency.

11. ‘Oh, So You’re Available!’

12. ‘Sounds Like the Polyamorous Thing Didn’t Work Out After All’. ...Like monogamous relationships, open relationships end for all sorts of reasons.

13. ‘But Don’t Your Partners Get Sad When You’re On Dates With Someone Else?’

14. ‘Why Do You Have to Talk About Polyamory All the Time?’ The short answer is because of everything I’ve just written about.

15. ‘But Don’t You Get Jealous?’ Vegetarians and vegans sometimes talk about how frustrating it is to be asked, “But what about bacon?” The jealousy question is the what-about-bacon of polyamory.

***

Rather than making comments like these, consider taking the opportunity to learn more about polyamory and about your polyamorous friends.... Even if you’ve chosen monogamy, you can pick up some helpful relationship skills from them – or at least hear some great stories.

The whole article (October 22).

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And a week before that,

More Than Two: Examining the Myths and Facts of Polyamory

HuffPo

By Laura Kacere

...Often described as “consensual and responsible non-monogamy,” polyamory can characterize anyone who engages in intimate relationships with multiple people in a way that is consensual and communicative of all relationships. (That is, cheating on a partner doesn’t count as polyamory!)

These definitions are broad, and polyamorous relationships come in all different shapes and sizes....

The ways of organizing relationships are endless – and so are the myths surrounding it....

Myth #1: With the right partner, you only need one person.

Myth #2: Polyamory means you love your partner(s) less.

Myth #3: Polyamory is for people who “just want to sleep around” and avoid attachment and intimacy.

Myth #4: Polyamory is for people who don’t get jealous.

Myth #5: Polyamory is for enlightened people. While there are a lot of prejudices against poly people, there can also be a romanticization of it, seeing polyamory as the truly evolved way to live. The truth is, poly people are not perfect. People hurt each other in polyamory just like they do in monogamy.... Polyamory comes with its own set of challenges, requiring a process of unlearning and challenging our cultural conditioning around love and relationships.

Facts

Fact #1: You are already complete.

Fact #2: Valuing all of your relationships.... Sometimes monogamy can close people off because of how the parameters of all other relationships are defined – the relationships that aren’t romantic are denoted to “less-than.” In polyamory, the distinction of a new relationship can be blurred and less defined, allowing more space to nurture new friendships....

Time is a factor in platonic relationships as well, and because poly people may have a different sense of how to allocate time, they often come to recognize that they need to share value and affection with friends and lovers alike.

Fact #3: Other people are not your competitors....

Fact #4: You have the right to choose.... No one should ever feel pushed into polyamory by a partner or by those around them – that choice should always be completely yours....

Read the full article (October 15).

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Comic: "5 Radical Ways People Do Non-Monogamy That You Need to Know About"

Everyday Feminism

As poly awareness becomes mainstream, is awareness of poly's wider potential being pushed to the margin?

This comic, by Joamette Gil on Everyday Feminism, has begun to take off. It's titled "5 Radical Ways People Do Non-Monogamy That You Need to Know About." The link. (September 27, 2015)

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