Friday Polyamory News Roundup – Poly as training for parenting, best polyam dating apps, Kimchi and Vajra reconcile, when 2+2 = 3+1, and more.

Welcome to Friday Polynews Roundup for August 21, 2020.

●  We start off with a two-fer. This one hits the categories of "what the poly community can teach anyone" and poly parenting. Here’s How Being Polyamorous Prepared Me For Parenting, from HuffPost Personal (Aug. 15). It was immediately written about on the new-mom site BabyGaga and was reprinted elsewhere.

“I’ve had lots of different kinds of relationships with lots of different people and all of those experiences taught me how to be the best mom I can be.”

By Marea Goodman

The author (left) and her family in Oakland, California, in March.

In my early 20s, I was passionate about polyamory.... There were times I had one “primary” partner and other more casual, “secondary” relationships. I was in a triad relationship where the three of us went on dates together and slept in the same bed. There was a year during which I maintained three serious relationships at once, where all people involved knew about each other, and two of them were also dating each other. It was like a self-studied master’s course in human dynamics.

At the time, it was the most liberating lifestyle I could imagine. But five years later, after navigating my fair share of dramatic break ups and having a time-intensive, full-time job, I found monogamy to be the approach to my romantic, sexual and family life that worked and felt best for me.

Even though I am no longer practicing polyamory, I look back happily at that part of my life, and, what’s more, I’ve come to realize that being polyamorous actually prepared me to successfully be a parent.

Here’s what it taught me.

1. How to balance (and schedule) multiple people’s needs at a time.

...In my family now, I have conversations with my partner and 10-year-old daughter that are similar to those I had with my romantic partners a decade ago. We’ve learned that my daughter needs a daily routine to feel calm and grounded, so we write her a list beginning with “brush your teeth” and ending with “get in bed.” My partner, the free spirit, appreciates having one full day per week when we don’t have anything scheduled so that we can do whatever we want as a family (and, ironically, we plan when that day will be). Our toddler needs to play outside every day or else it’s impossible to put him to sleep. And I need regular alone time to maintain my sanity.

The process of distilling our needs into practical, schedule-able pieces helps each person get what they need, and overall increases our family harmony.

2. How to be in touch with my own feelings and prioritize them

...I’ve learned that my primary relationship is with myself ― when I am taken care of, I can take care of others, and everyone in my family benefits.

3. It’s OK to have different feelings for different people ...

4. How to communicate effectively

Knowing how you feel is not always enough. During my years of polyamory, I practiced the art of communication with studious rigor. Healthy communication is not monolithic. Each of us carries traumas and stories from our past, and we often filter our experience through our baggage. For some, saying “I need a little space” feels like a clearly stated need. For others, it feels like a heartbreaking rejection.

...The same skills apply to my relationships with my partner and children. They are all different people with varied ways of taking in information. ...

5. Jealousy is an onion

Understanding jealousy as a [multilayered] onion is enormously helpful in navigating sibling dynamics. I recognize that when my daughter gets jealous of the attention we give to our toddler, that it’s not about him or about us as parents. I try to help her peel off the layers of the onion so we can get to the core of her pain and work to heal what’s motivating her feelings of jealousy in the first place.

6. The need to understand oppression dynamics 

7. How to navigate different love languages

Dr. Gary Chapman wrote a book called “The 5 Love Languages” which describes five fundamental ways that people in Western societies give and receive love. These love languages include: words of affirmation, acts of service, receiving gifts, quality time and physical touch. While there are many variations and nuances to how we love, I’ve found this framework profoundly helpful in both polyamory and parenting.

...I used to think polyamory was the greatest adventure in intimacy. Now I understand that it was, for me, a training ground for the 24-7, full-contact sport of parenting. 

We speak to our 10-year-old about different relationship dynamics including polyamory. With two moms and a sperm donor, she already knows that families look all kinds of ways. When my kids are ready, I will encourage them to explore whatever kinds of relationships they are called to. ...

●  From Cosmopolitan, The Best Dating Apps for Those Who Identify as Non-Monogamous, by Gabrielle Smith (Aug. 17). Smith also wrote that nice article at Self  magazine last week, 9 Ways Non-Monogamous People Are Dealing With the Pandemic.

By Gabrielle Smith

...For starters, there are so! many! ways! to identify under the umbrella term of non-monogamy. But the one thing everyone has in common if they do: no expectation of exclusivity. ...

Now as an ethically non-monogamous person, I’ve always used dating apps—from my first open relationship at 19 to my solo-polyamory today. Through Tinder, I’ve found two of my long-term partners. Via Hinge, I had my first relationship with another woman. And while on Feeld, I’ve met all sorts of wonderful ethically non-monogamous folks.

In general, it's been a pretty positive experience. Dating apps help people like me represent ourselves properly. We can usually state directly in our profiles "I am ethically non-monogamous" [and describe your variety of it.]

Despite meeting my first romantic female partner on Hinge, this app is one of the least amenable for ethical non-monogamy. It is, after all, coined as “designed to be deleted,” which perpetuates monogamy, so it’s not surprising that I found it difficult to be ENM on this app. ...

Tinder and Bumble, while not perfect, are pretty decent options for ENM folks. Their benefits have to do with numbers and simplicity. In the United States, Tinder and Bumble are the dating apps with the largest user base. ...

The winners for non-monogamous dating, though: Feeld and OkCupid. ... I mean, Feeld was made for ENM, and OkCupid has survived due to its willingness to adapt. ...

I [also] spoke with seven other folks who identify as non-monogamous about their favorites and definitely-not-favorites. ...

●  The online women's magazine SheKnows presents a long, solid ENM 101 that, in my opinion, covers the basic bases without fumbles or errors: Everything You Always Wanted to Know About Ethical Non-Monogamy  (Aug. 20). And it quotes people I've never heard of before. It was reprinted the same day by Yahoo News/ Life. Pieces:

Good Studio / AdobeStock

By Gina Escandon

...While a key tenet is freedom to explore and have affection with different people, there’s a lot behind the scenes that make these relationships successful. So, let’s chart the waters for everything you always wanted to know about ENM, including how to open your relationship while making everyone involved feel safe and loved. 

...“Ethically non-monogamous relationships are ones in which all people involved have negotiated the terms of and enthusiastically consented to non-monogamy, without feeling coerced into it,” explains Dr. Dulcinea Pitagora, NYC-based psychotherapist and sex therapist.

Heather McPherson, licensed supervisor of couples and sex therapy, owner of Respark Therapy, and owner of Sexual Health Alliance, which provides certification programs for therapists, coaches and healthcare providers, emphasizes that if participants aren’t feeling 100 percent on board, or they see it as a way to repair a broken relationship, it can put the arrangement in jeopardy. “It should be noted that if one partner has consented under coercion,” she says, “or because they are afraid they will lose the relationship, the agreement may be compromised.”

What are the different kinds of ethical non-monogamy?

...Think of it an umbrella term for all the ways you can, with consent, explore love and sex with multiple people. If someone says they’re non-monogamous, don’t assume you know what that means; instead respectfully ask them for more information.

...Says Hannah, who’s polyamorous and shares an apartment in Brooklyn with their primary and secondary partners, “ENM means you’re ‘opening up’ your relationship in some way. I think the only distinction is that people who identify as poly tend to have more romantic connections and significant others, where ENM can be casual, or just about sexual connections, depending on who’s defining it.” 

Common misconceptions 

To chip away at the taboos, let’s talk about what ENM is not. ...

Does consensual non-monogamy work for everyone? 

[The tl;dr: No.  To continue,] People in ENM relationships tend to have heightened communication skills, a sophisticated understanding of boundaries, and tons of empathy — because you have to do so much talking to make sure everyone involved feels safe, special, and loved. McPherson says to expect to work on your relationship and communicate twice as much as you once did, “at least for the first few years.” 

Keep in mind that you’re not going to figure it out overnight. ... [Nevertheless] a 2020 study conducted by Western University, York University and the University of Utah actually found that people with consensually non-monogamous connections had increased life satisfaction, relationship quality, and sexual contentment. 

Communication is the key to a successful ENM 

...Communication is hard and terrifying, but it’s super important to get on the same page about boundaries and limitations early on....

[Says Dr. Pitagora,] “Especially for people who are new to ethical and consensual non-monogamy, it can feel awkward to have conversations about new partners, so I always advise having conversations about conversations.” 

[And,] “Whenever there are new partners/romantic interests/sexual partners, I suggest that each dyad/triad/etc. has a conversation about what level of detail they want from their partners about who they’re seeing and what they’ll be doing with whom, and also when they would like to have that information... g. Figuring out and agreeing on how to have conversations makes it easier to have those conversations.” 

Having the courage to say what you feel takes a lot of practice! But boundaries are there to keep you safe — that’s why it’s better to set your tenets in the beginning....

●  Some Covid closure? In the poly-comics gossip department, remember those sad Kimchi Cuddles strips a couple weeks ago about a covid-boundary crisis between real-life Kim and real-life Vajra, and their little kid being fed covid-denialist crap by her friend's knucklehead mom?

"Kimchi" and "Vajra" have apparently worked it out using those, you know, communication skills. He's moving back to a nearby apartment and things are looking good, and of course she cartooned about it, to the cheers and likes of thousands of fans.

Fact is, I gather that she has not been entirely pristine in the boundary-agreement department herself, and real-life Vajra handled the kerfuffle pretty well, so no villains here please except for the kid's friend's knucklehead mom.

What's more, real-life Rajeev may finally, after all these years, be moving in next door too. The middle panel is a reference to Brokeback Mountain.

 

●  Not-quite-so-happy poly in the tabloids. The Daily Mail and others published the tale (Aug. 19) of two couples in Perth, Australia, who fell in love and "formed an almost-quadruple, where everyone dated each other except Rob and Simon." It was wonderful all around until it wasn't, and following a disagreement between the two women, they broke up as a quad late last year. Three continue as a triad, and their kids call the extra guy their "sparent." (Get it?) The other woman has dropped the other two and maintains a relationship with only her original guy.

I am reminded of Deborah Anapol's observation in the poly movement's early days that often, 2+2 = 3+1, as in this case. Or worse, 2+2 = 3–1. Some say that quads are the easiest polyfamily configuration, others say they're the hardest. At least everyone here seems amicable and settled... if you can believe anything in the tabloids.


That's it for Friday Polynews Roundup. Stay well, dear people, don't be a knucklehead, and don't breathe their aerosols.

[Permalink]

Friday Polyamory News Roundup: Great NY Times feature on poly parenting. Pandemic hell choices. RA for 2020. And Covid knuckleheads turn real-life Kimchi Cuddles' daughter against her.

Welcome to Friday Polynews Roundup for August 7, 2020.

●  The week's big poly-in-the-media item was this stellar piece in the New York Times: The Challenges of Polyamorous Parenting, in the Parenting section (online Aug. 4; not in a print edition.) Excerpts:

Starting a family with more than two parents can present legal and social pitfalls. Here’s how some parents are making it work.

Avary Kent, her husband, Zeke Hausfather (seated), and her partner, David Jay, drafted a co-parenting agreement that outlines their rights and preferences for raising their daughter. (Photo: Aubrey Trinnaman / New York Times)

By Cynthia McKelvey

...Though nonmonogamy seems to be on the rise — or at least society is more open about it than ever before — families consisting of three or more parents can face challenges that are in some ways different from, and similar to, those faced by divorced parents, single parents and L.G.B.T.Q. parents.

There’s very little research on families consisting of more than two romantically involved parents, according to Heath Schechinger, Ph.D., a co-chair of the Consensual Non-monogamy Task Force, Division 44 of the American Psychological Association. ...

To understand how new and prospective nonmonogamous families can take on challenges like child custody, adoption and just day-to-day life, I spoke with a sociologist, two psychologists, a lawyer and members of two nonmonogamous families.

“I would say the biggest problems that polyamorous parents face is you can only have two legal parents in most places,” said Dr. Elisabeth Sheff, Ph.D., a sociologist and author of “The Polyamorists Next Door,” a 15-year ethnographic study of the polyamory community. “If you have another parent that wants to take on parental rights, then one of the existing parents has to terminate parental rights prior to adding a new parent.”

...California is one of at least 12 states that has recognized families with three or more parents in some capacity, making it easier for nonmonogamous families to gain legal parenting protections.

For parents who don’t live in one of those states, or who just don’t want to go through the legal rigmarole of multiparent adoption, writing out a co-parenting agreement can help. These delineate what is expected of each parent in terms of child care, financial assistance and other day-to-day logistics. They also can create contingency plans in case a parent leaves the relationship, becomes ill or dies.

That’s what Avary Kent, her husband, Zeke Hausfather, and their co-parent, David Jay, did before Kent became pregnant with their daughter. Their co-parenting agreement outlines how they will deal with conflict, discipline, health care and what constitutes a loss of parenting status.

Polyamorous parents who are raising children as a unit must decide how open to be with family and community members. (Photo: Aubrey Trinnaman / New York Times)

These agreements are not legally binding, but they can help in situations like custody battles or if family members like grandparents object to the co-parenting agreement, according to Jonathan Lane, a Washington, D.C.-based attorney who specializes in family law. ...

Coming out

Research on the effect of growing up in a nonmonogamous family on children also remains sparse, Dr. Schechinger said.

“From what we do have, there’s nothing to suggest that children in these situations are faring any better or any worse,” Dr. Schechinger said. However, research does show that families who experience prejudice — because of their sexual orientation, race, religion or other factors — do experience more stress, anxiety and depression.

That leads to the question of whether or not to come out as a nonmonogamous family. ... “I want to encourage parents to know that there’s not clear evidence that they should or should not be out. It’s situation-specific, and it’s OK for them to use their intuition about whether or not to be out,” Dr. Schechinger said. “Because in some spaces it may not be safe and then they have to remain closeted.”

Day-to-day challenges

...Amy Moors, Ph.D., a co-chair of the nonmonogamy task force with Dr. Schechinger, also said that concerns over the children are often ways to enforce prejudice over minority groups. ... She and other experts suggested that nonmonogamous families look to how gay families have fielded these sorts of objections to them parenting. This can include how to handle prejudice from family, schools and the judgment their children may face from classmates.

Selke said that she and her family made a conscious choice to surround themselves with other untraditional and L.B.G.T.Q. families, so that their twins can grow up seeing the many forms family can take.

The benefits

The nonmonogamous families interviewed cited the many benefits of co-parenting. At the top of the list was resources, in every sense: More parents mean more time, more love, more experience, more finances and, best of all, more sleep, they said.

Selke said that nonmonogamous parenting has also enabled her desire to shed some traditional gendered parenting roles. With three parents, there’s no script for the division of labor. It becomes more about who does whatever task best, who is the most available or who hates it the least.

The children also report benefits, Dr. Sheff said. As kids from these nontraditional families begin to enter school and see their peers with two parents, rather than seeing themselves as unusual, they see their peers as bereft.

“The kids come home and they’re like, ‘Oh, my poor friend, they only have two parents. Can you believe that? How did they get anything done?’” Dr. Sheff said.

Jonathan Lane, the attorney quoted, says, "I am very excited this was finally published – I was interviewed for it over a year ago!"

●  Another non-monogamy researcher, Terri Conley, is profiled at length in Bustle: How One Psychologist Upended Everything We Know About Women, Sex, & Monogamy (Aug. 4) Go read the whole story; it's long and interesting. Excerpts: 

'We Need To Rethink Casual Sex': Terri Conley during her April 2016 TED talk

When she was still in grad school, social psychologist Terri Conley, Ph.D., collected some data indicating that single people practice safer sex than those in relationships. Her methodology wasn’t perfect, and the sample was small. There was every reason to forget it. Conley couldn’t stop thinking about it.

What would be the problem with relationships, she wondered, such that people with partners were at higher risk for sexually transmitted diseases? It occurred to her that it might have something to do with the monogamy agreement — the implicit understanding, often undiscussed, that the partners in a two-person couple will only have sex with each other. She designed a study comparing safe sex practice among consensually non-monogamous people to that between people who claimed to be monogamous but were cheating. She found "a whole host of better outcomes” among the people in open relationships — more effective and frequent condom use and lower likelihood of an encounter taking place under the influence of drugs or alcohol. She submitted the paper for publication in the late aughts.

“It was like I shot the reviewers’ dog,” Conley recalls. Their responses ranged from “this paper is irresponsible” to "Oh, this must be a master's thesis” — in other words, amateur.

Suspecting that the stigma surrounding open relationships was at work, Conley took a different tack. She had been positioning the paper as a study of a sexual minority group that turned out to have safer sex than people in traditional relationships. Now, "I took exactly the same table — I did not change one data point — [and] I changed the framing to say, ‘Oh my gosh, people who commit infidelity are the worst. They're even worse than this other group [consensually non-monogamous people] that you thought was so awful.’ ” The paper was accepted.

It was the first of many times Conley would encounter outsized resistance to the work that has made her one of the most influential sexuality researchers of her era. As head of the University of Michigan’s Stigmatized Sexualities Lab, Conley observes sexual dynamics that won’t shock anyone who is on Tinder in the year 2020 but that nonetheless upend decades of received wisdom in the social sciences. Through rigorously designed studies, Conley... has empirically undermined the idea that women are too “relationship-y” to enjoy sex for its own sake and that having sex exclusively with one chosen mate is the only stable, satisfactory relationship structure. Given that everything from Christian morality to the intergenerational transfer of wealth to the wedding industrial complex is heavily invested in monogamy — "sometimes you have ideologies that control everyone,” Conley reflects — the implications of this research are vast. Colleagues across multiple subfields of psychology describe her as brilliant, fearless, and most impressively, convincing them to change their minds. Conley claims she just provided the data to support what everyone already knew: Monogamy actually isn’t great for everyone, and that really freaks some people out. ...

In 2011, she published a paper that methodically dismantled a textbook social psychology experiment, one that had propped up our most guarded assumptions about sex for a generation. ...

---------------------------------

...She found that women and men are equally satisfied in consensually non-monogamous relationships, undermining the notion that women are more naturally inclined toward monogamy. She even had data on how much we don’t want to see this data: In one experiment, she showed that people consider a researcher presenting findings favoring polyamory more biased than one presenting findings in favor of monogamy. The wording the researchers used was identical.

[Paul] Abramson [of UCLA], who spent a large swath of his career studying how to reduce HIV transmission rates, compares Conley’s work to research done in the late 1950s through the ‘60s that ultimately led psychology to stop treating homosexuality as a mental illness. “Terri was attempting to undermine the moral contempt for something other than normative marriage. [She] asked, ‘Well, what does the data say?’”

---------------------------------

...Now Conley is after the sacred cow that has been the backdrop of her entire career. You can’t dismantle the idea that women invariably suffer in nontraditional relationships without disproving the notion that women biologically want sex less than men, so that is Conley’s focus now. Building on her work around casual sex, she has found that gender differences in who wants sex evaporate in the presence of orgasm. If you’ve orgasmed before and expect to again, you’re more likely to say yes to sex, regardless of your identity. The explanation could be biological — maybe female bodies aren’t capable of orgasming quickly or easily outside of partnered sex — but Conley doesn’t buy it. ... “We know that women and men orgasm in the same amount of time when they're masturbating.” ...

●  Am I mistaken, or have we been hearing less about Relationship Anarchy as poly spreads to the mainstream? If you don't know what RA is about, a time will come when you should. An excellent new primer is out this week from MindBodyGreen, A Beginner's Guide To Relationship Anarchy: Examples & How To Practice (Aug. 2). Save it to send to the curious. Excerpts and section titles:

By Kesiena Boom

...Relationship anarchy is a way of approaching relationships that rejects any rules and expectations other than the ones the involved people agree on.

This approach "encourages people to let their core values guide how they choose and craft their relationship commitments rather than relying on social norms to dictate what is right for you," Dedeker Winston, relationship coach and co-host of the podcast Multiamory, tells mbg.

People who practice relationship anarchy, sometimes abbreviated as RA, are beholden to themselves and only themselves when it comes to choosing who they conduct sexual or romantic relationships with and how they do it. Relationship anarchists look to form relationships with people that are based entirely on needs, wants, and desires rather than on socially mandated labels and expectations. Some central tenets of relationship anarchy are freedom, communication, and nonhierarchy.

An RA mindset also seeks to dissolve the strict divides between platonic friendship and sexual or romantic love that exist in wider society. Practitioners of relationship anarchy see it as superfluous at best and harmful at worst to rank relationships in order of importance according to the presence of sex or romantic love, and they reject the prioritization of romance above friendship and the elevation of the monogamous couple above all else....

The relationship anarchy manifesto.

The term "relationship anarchy" was originally coined by Andie Nordgren, who published an instructional manifesto for relationship anarchy in a pamphlet in 2006. Nordgren outlines the following principles to guide you through a relationship anarchist life:

1. Love is abundant, and every relationship is unique. ...

2. Love and respect instead of entitlement. ...

3. Find your core set of relationship values. ...

4. Heterosexism is rampant and out there, but don't let fear lead you. ...

6. Fake it till you make it. ...

7. Trust is better. ...

8. Change through communication. ...

9. Customize your commitments. ...

Relationship anarchy versus polyamory versus monogamy.

A monogamous person chooses to eschew all sexual and romantic bonds with people other than their one chosen partner. ... Winston says relationship anarchists can also engage in monogamous relationships.

Relationship anarchy thus differs from polyamory, which it is sometimes confused with. Polyamory is the practice of, or desire for, intimate relationships with more than one partner, with the informed consent of all partners involved. It is sometimes known as ethical or consensual nonmonogamy. To be polyamorous means to acknowledge that people can love more than one person simultaneously. This is different from an open relationship, in which the couple goes outside of the relationship for sex, and not necessarily for lasting and committed emotional intimacy or love.

How relationship anarchy works in practice.

..."Typical is a myth. In reality, each of our lives is unique and one-of-a-kind, which is also true for people practicing relationship anarchy,” says Anna Dow, LMFT, therapist and founder of Vast Love, a coaching and counseling practice for people navigating nonmonogamy.

She continues, "A lot of people hear the word 'anarchy' and think of radical punk rockers with tattoos and mohawks. While that's sometimes on point, the lives of relationship anarchists are also as varied as they come. Relationship anarchy is the 'choose your own adventure' version of relationships. It's a belief in coloring outside the lines and going off-trail. ...

That being said, a common thread between all relationship anarchists is the time given over to communication. Dow says one characteristic that links together those who are well suited to RA is "strong communication skills, including the abilities to empathetically listen and to authentically express one's feelings/needs in a direct way. ...

Common misconceptions.

"...Relationship anarchy is not a justification for people to do whatever they want in relationships without consideration of other people's feelings, needs, desires, or boundaries," says Dow.

It's not for those who are looking for an easy way out. ..."It's not a magic spell for reducing the amount of work that you need to put into your relationships," cautions Winston. 

[Says Josie Kearns,] “To me it means that my partners and I don’t control our relationships with other people — we set boundaries, but we don’t ask to enforce rules on each other....”

Relationship anarchy may be unfortunately named for the current times. But taken literally, the word is precisely correct: Its Greek roots mean no ranking. 

●  Autostraddle, a leading online lesbian magazine, fields (at great length) a question about roommate pandemic hell choices: Can I Tell My Poly Roommate Not to See Her Partners Because of Coronavirus? (Aug. 4)

My roommate “Nora” and I (both women in our early thirties) have been in self-isolation since mid-March. ... After an initial two-week total quarantine, I resumed seeing my partner, “Casey,” who lives alone (they have various health problems that make coronavirus significantly more risky for them). Nora recently brought up how frustrated and sad she’s been feeling about her romantic prospects as a poly person when I am able to continue my monogamous relationship. She even mentioned that she resented the fact that I could continue to see Casey (who is a relatively new partner) when she can’t continue to see her longer-term partner(s), both of whom live with their own primary partners, who in turn have other partners, etc.

She said that she couldn’t bear the thought of going the summer without some kind of in-person intimacy and that she didn’t want to be made to feel “responsible” for following isolation just so I can see Casey.... But in the current moment, our personal lives are actually mutually exclusive....

...What can I do? Do I have any rights to safety after our state issues a possibly-misguided plan to reopen? ...

...While I think you may be feeling overwhelmed, I want to resist the idea that this question is impossible just because the solution is not simple and easy (or that there even is one correct solution). ... Something my best friend and I have been saying to each other recently feels true when I read this question: “There are no good choices.” How to make the best choice for everyone involved when there are no good choices? Let’s attempt. ...

...As each day passes, it becomes clear the United States does not have a handle on the pandemic. Shelter in place was not supposed to be a new way of life indefinitely; it was meant to buy us time, to flatten the curve. The government squandered that time. I do not know when the pandemic will end, when it will be “safe” to be around each other again. But I do know that it becomes increasingly difficult to ask individuals to make huge personal sacrifices, at great cost, when it is clear the government is doing almost nothing to move us toward a different world. ... Scientists have started to talk about how we can practice harm reduction when it comes to living our lives, because the alternative is not sustainable. ...

●  You want pandemic hell choices? What about when a denialist partner turns your child against you?

The following is one of the saddest things I've seen yet. Tikva Wolf's Kimchi Cuddles poly comics are often, she says, "partly autobiographical." Such as these two latest. The Kimchi character in them is Tikva, "Vajra" is Tikva's live-in co-parent (they ended their romantic partnership a while ago but stayed on friendly terms), and their daughter is getting toward her tweens.

They live in a hippie-ish town in the South, in a county with (I looked it up) a daily covid infection rate that is currently about the South's average.

The Facebook page for this episode of the strip, with many comments and observations. Tikva posted there,

I live in an area that already had a high concentration of anti-vaxxer conspiracy theorists so naturally there are huge crowds thinking that their organic elderberry syrup makes them immune (and don't care to wear masks for anyone else's sake). Even many folks who are trying to be safe are in large networks they are unable to trace.

Her followup strip:

      

The Facebook page for this one. She really did kick him out. She posts, 

I am close to a lot of medical professionals, and know people who have either died or are having ongoing health problems now, so I'm taking it seriously. I don't want anyone's blood on my hands, especially if I can prevent that through taking simple precautions. And only sharing living space with people who are on the same page with safety protocols is a personal boundary of mine.

She writes to me, "I threw a whole bunch of different events from 4 months into [those] 2 comics. But I did want to talk about 2 important issues: BOUNDARIES in times of covid, and showing how poly-parenting can be more difficult right now for a multitude of reasons."

In my own part of the country (Boston area), covid-denying knuckleheads all seem to be angry Trumpies. But in some places, nice, progressive people can be just as self-deluding, conspiracy-grabbing, and dismissive of all facts and evidence that don't make them feel good. The only difference is that they frame their nonsense ("masks do more harm than good") with flowers and elderberry syrup rather than AK-47s.

America....

●  After the advice column in Slate regarding teen polys that I highlighted last week, this Dear Abby is in newspapers everywhere this week:

My 14-year-old daughter recently came out of the closet, and it has made my husband and me quite upset. She says she is "bicurious, pansexual and polyamorous." She now insists everyone call her by a gender-neutral name, gave herself a side shave and dyed her hair pink after we repeatedly told her not to. She wants us to refer to her as "they" and not "she."

Boys used to like her.... She is disrespecting us and ruining her image. ...She is now getting chubby, looks horrible and is depressed. Help!  — Dad Without Answers

Dear Dad: Your daughter may, indeed, be depressed. She's at an age where she is trying to figure out who she is, and because she has lost her friends and her parents are mad at her, I can understand why. ...

Look again. Did you notice the gender of the parents?

●  Upcoming TV, perhaps. Hollywood Reporter says "prolific writer/producer" Lena Waithe is developing series a series titled "Open" for Amazon Studios: Lena Waithe Developing Open-Marriage Drama (Aug. 3)

..."My mission is to provide a space for people to grow," says Waithe. "While making work that people can look at and say, 'That broke a barrier.' "... 

"Society has such a conservative way of looking at marriage. I do think that we as a nation need to reevaluate what marriage looks like for us as a country — because whatever we have right now, it ain’t working."

●  But here's an open-marriage couple who get a special award for classist couple privilege so shitty I thought it was a parody — except it actually seems to be real, as reported on the parenting site Kidspot.com (Aug. 4). A relative of theirs says, 

MIL explained that they have some rules and they can’t sleep with anyone who is an ‘equal.’ 

She said they only go outside the marriage with people in service-type minimum wage jobs like their maid, someone who works at their country club, or a bartender (examples she gave). She said they do that because people in those positions don’t count as “real people” so there is no danger in developing feelings.

●  This week in the British tabloids: A happy triad family in Denver got harassment mail from a stalker after their Instagram and YouTube channels became a thing, so they've gone more public than ever: Polyamorous throuple harassed for months after 'coming out' on social media (Daily Star, Aug. 3). An angry Christian, you may wonder? Nope. A letter to Janie "said that she is a fake member of the LGBTQIA community and that she didn't actually love Maggie."

Here they are. Three lovers, three cats:

MDWfeatures / @tri.adventures

That's Friday Polynews Roundup for now. Stay safe, dear people, as best you can.

[Permalink]