Friday Polyamory News Roundup – Poly as training for parenting, best polyam dating apps, Kimchi and Vajra reconcile, when 2+2 = 3+1, and more.

Welcome to Friday Polynews Roundup for August 21, 2020.

●  We start off with a two-fer. This one hits the categories of "what the poly community can teach anyone" and poly parenting. Here’s How Being Polyamorous Prepared Me For Parenting, from HuffPost Personal (Aug. 15). It was immediately written about on the new-mom site BabyGaga and was reprinted elsewhere.

“I’ve had lots of different kinds of relationships with lots of different people and all of those experiences taught me how to be the best mom I can be.”

By Marea Goodman

The author (left) and her family in Oakland, California, in March.

In my early 20s, I was passionate about polyamory.... There were times I had one “primary” partner and other more casual, “secondary” relationships. I was in a triad relationship where the three of us went on dates together and slept in the same bed. There was a year during which I maintained three serious relationships at once, where all people involved knew about each other, and two of them were also dating each other. It was like a self-studied master’s course in human dynamics.

At the time, it was the most liberating lifestyle I could imagine. But five years later, after navigating my fair share of dramatic break ups and having a time-intensive, full-time job, I found monogamy to be the approach to my romantic, sexual and family life that worked and felt best for me.

Even though I am no longer practicing polyamory, I look back happily at that part of my life, and, what’s more, I’ve come to realize that being polyamorous actually prepared me to successfully be a parent.

Here’s what it taught me.

1. How to balance (and schedule) multiple people’s needs at a time.

...In my family now, I have conversations with my partner and 10-year-old daughter that are similar to those I had with my romantic partners a decade ago. We’ve learned that my daughter needs a daily routine to feel calm and grounded, so we write her a list beginning with “brush your teeth” and ending with “get in bed.” My partner, the free spirit, appreciates having one full day per week when we don’t have anything scheduled so that we can do whatever we want as a family (and, ironically, we plan when that day will be). Our toddler needs to play outside every day or else it’s impossible to put him to sleep. And I need regular alone time to maintain my sanity.

The process of distilling our needs into practical, schedule-able pieces helps each person get what they need, and overall increases our family harmony.

2. How to be in touch with my own feelings and prioritize them

...I’ve learned that my primary relationship is with myself ― when I am taken care of, I can take care of others, and everyone in my family benefits.

3. It’s OK to have different feelings for different people ...

4. How to communicate effectively

Knowing how you feel is not always enough. During my years of polyamory, I practiced the art of communication with studious rigor. Healthy communication is not monolithic. Each of us carries traumas and stories from our past, and we often filter our experience through our baggage. For some, saying “I need a little space” feels like a clearly stated need. For others, it feels like a heartbreaking rejection.

...The same skills apply to my relationships with my partner and children. They are all different people with varied ways of taking in information. ...

5. Jealousy is an onion

Understanding jealousy as a [multilayered] onion is enormously helpful in navigating sibling dynamics. I recognize that when my daughter gets jealous of the attention we give to our toddler, that it’s not about him or about us as parents. I try to help her peel off the layers of the onion so we can get to the core of her pain and work to heal what’s motivating her feelings of jealousy in the first place.

6. The need to understand oppression dynamics 

7. How to navigate different love languages

Dr. Gary Chapman wrote a book called “The 5 Love Languages” which describes five fundamental ways that people in Western societies give and receive love. These love languages include: words of affirmation, acts of service, receiving gifts, quality time and physical touch. While there are many variations and nuances to how we love, I’ve found this framework profoundly helpful in both polyamory and parenting.

...I used to think polyamory was the greatest adventure in intimacy. Now I understand that it was, for me, a training ground for the 24-7, full-contact sport of parenting. 

We speak to our 10-year-old about different relationship dynamics including polyamory. With two moms and a sperm donor, she already knows that families look all kinds of ways. When my kids are ready, I will encourage them to explore whatever kinds of relationships they are called to. ...

●  From Cosmopolitan, The Best Dating Apps for Those Who Identify as Non-Monogamous, by Gabrielle Smith (Aug. 17). Smith also wrote that nice article at Self  magazine last week, 9 Ways Non-Monogamous People Are Dealing With the Pandemic.

By Gabrielle Smith

...For starters, there are so! many! ways! to identify under the umbrella term of non-monogamy. But the one thing everyone has in common if they do: no expectation of exclusivity. ...

Now as an ethically non-monogamous person, I’ve always used dating apps—from my first open relationship at 19 to my solo-polyamory today. Through Tinder, I’ve found two of my long-term partners. Via Hinge, I had my first relationship with another woman. And while on Feeld, I’ve met all sorts of wonderful ethically non-monogamous folks.

In general, it's been a pretty positive experience. Dating apps help people like me represent ourselves properly. We can usually state directly in our profiles "I am ethically non-monogamous" [and describe your variety of it.]

Despite meeting my first romantic female partner on Hinge, this app is one of the least amenable for ethical non-monogamy. It is, after all, coined as “designed to be deleted,” which perpetuates monogamy, so it’s not surprising that I found it difficult to be ENM on this app. ...

Tinder and Bumble, while not perfect, are pretty decent options for ENM folks. Their benefits have to do with numbers and simplicity. In the United States, Tinder and Bumble are the dating apps with the largest user base. ...

The winners for non-monogamous dating, though: Feeld and OkCupid. ... I mean, Feeld was made for ENM, and OkCupid has survived due to its willingness to adapt. ...

I [also] spoke with seven other folks who identify as non-monogamous about their favorites and definitely-not-favorites. ...

●  The online women's magazine SheKnows presents a long, solid ENM 101 that, in my opinion, covers the basic bases without fumbles or errors: Everything You Always Wanted to Know About Ethical Non-Monogamy  (Aug. 20). And it quotes people I've never heard of before. It was reprinted the same day by Yahoo News/ Life. Pieces:

Good Studio / AdobeStock

By Gina Escandon

...While a key tenet is freedom to explore and have affection with different people, there’s a lot behind the scenes that make these relationships successful. So, let’s chart the waters for everything you always wanted to know about ENM, including how to open your relationship while making everyone involved feel safe and loved. 

...“Ethically non-monogamous relationships are ones in which all people involved have negotiated the terms of and enthusiastically consented to non-monogamy, without feeling coerced into it,” explains Dr. Dulcinea Pitagora, NYC-based psychotherapist and sex therapist.

Heather McPherson, licensed supervisor of couples and sex therapy, owner of Respark Therapy, and owner of Sexual Health Alliance, which provides certification programs for therapists, coaches and healthcare providers, emphasizes that if participants aren’t feeling 100 percent on board, or they see it as a way to repair a broken relationship, it can put the arrangement in jeopardy. “It should be noted that if one partner has consented under coercion,” she says, “or because they are afraid they will lose the relationship, the agreement may be compromised.”

What are the different kinds of ethical non-monogamy?

...Think of it an umbrella term for all the ways you can, with consent, explore love and sex with multiple people. If someone says they’re non-monogamous, don’t assume you know what that means; instead respectfully ask them for more information.

...Says Hannah, who’s polyamorous and shares an apartment in Brooklyn with their primary and secondary partners, “ENM means you’re ‘opening up’ your relationship in some way. I think the only distinction is that people who identify as poly tend to have more romantic connections and significant others, where ENM can be casual, or just about sexual connections, depending on who’s defining it.” 

Common misconceptions 

To chip away at the taboos, let’s talk about what ENM is not. ...

Does consensual non-monogamy work for everyone? 

[The tl;dr: No.  To continue,] People in ENM relationships tend to have heightened communication skills, a sophisticated understanding of boundaries, and tons of empathy — because you have to do so much talking to make sure everyone involved feels safe, special, and loved. McPherson says to expect to work on your relationship and communicate twice as much as you once did, “at least for the first few years.” 

Keep in mind that you’re not going to figure it out overnight. ... [Nevertheless] a 2020 study conducted by Western University, York University and the University of Utah actually found that people with consensually non-monogamous connections had increased life satisfaction, relationship quality, and sexual contentment. 

Communication is the key to a successful ENM 

...Communication is hard and terrifying, but it’s super important to get on the same page about boundaries and limitations early on....

[Says Dr. Pitagora,] “Especially for people who are new to ethical and consensual non-monogamy, it can feel awkward to have conversations about new partners, so I always advise having conversations about conversations.” 

[And,] “Whenever there are new partners/romantic interests/sexual partners, I suggest that each dyad/triad/etc. has a conversation about what level of detail they want from their partners about who they’re seeing and what they’ll be doing with whom, and also when they would like to have that information... g. Figuring out and agreeing on how to have conversations makes it easier to have those conversations.” 

Having the courage to say what you feel takes a lot of practice! But boundaries are there to keep you safe — that’s why it’s better to set your tenets in the beginning....

●  Some Covid closure? In the poly-comics gossip department, remember those sad Kimchi Cuddles strips a couple weeks ago about a covid-boundary crisis between real-life Kim and real-life Vajra, and their little kid being fed covid-denialist crap by her friend's knucklehead mom?

"Kimchi" and "Vajra" have apparently worked it out using those, you know, communication skills. He's moving back to a nearby apartment and things are looking good, and of course she cartooned about it, to the cheers and likes of thousands of fans.

Fact is, I gather that she has not been entirely pristine in the boundary-agreement department herself, and real-life Vajra handled the kerfuffle pretty well, so no villains here please except for the kid's friend's knucklehead mom.

What's more, real-life Rajeev may finally, after all these years, be moving in next door too. The middle panel is a reference to Brokeback Mountain.

 

●  Not-quite-so-happy poly in the tabloids. The Daily Mail and others published the tale (Aug. 19) of two couples in Perth, Australia, who fell in love and "formed an almost-quadruple, where everyone dated each other except Rob and Simon." It was wonderful all around until it wasn't, and following a disagreement between the two women, they broke up as a quad late last year. Three continue as a triad, and their kids call the extra guy their "sparent." (Get it?) The other woman has dropped the other two and maintains a relationship with only her original guy.

I am reminded of Deborah Anapol's observation in the poly movement's early days that often, 2+2 = 3+1, as in this case. Or worse, 2+2 = 3–1. Some say that quads are the easiest polyfamily configuration, others say they're the hardest. At least everyone here seems amicable and settled... if you can believe anything in the tabloids.


That's it for Friday Polynews Roundup. Stay well, dear people, don't be a knucklehead, and don't breathe their aerosols.

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Friday Polynews Roundup – The Val's Day polyamory media surge, more upcoming TV, polygroups are "all in this together," and more

Welcome to Friday Polynews Roundup for February 21, 2020!

The big polynews of the week was the remarkable burst of national media attention to the episode of HGTV's House Hunters in which an MFF triad went looking to buy a house. I reported on that flood yesterday, so that's out of the way. Whew.

Next up, we start with a piece of other TV news:

● Premiering March 14 on BET (Black Entertainment Television) is a new series titled "Open." Posts WCLK in Atlanta, First Look Images from ‘Open’ featuring Essence Atkins, Keith Robinson and Matt Cedeño (Feb. 16)

Keith Robinson and Essence Atkins in "Open" (Nina Holiday Entertainment)

 
'Open' explores the complications of the open marriage of Cameron (Keith Robinson, “Saints & Sinners,” “Dreamgirls”) and Wren (Essence Atkins, “Ambitions,” “Marlon”), who have been married for eight years, although the last two years of their matrimony have been open. They set rules as boundaries to assure a healthy open relationship, however they quickly learn that rules applied to the art of emotion will often be broken.

...“I'm so honored that my directorial feature has been a story about love, forgiveness and communication,” said [writer-director Cas] Sigers-Beedles in a statement. “The gems about honesty within this story are much needed today, as marriage and love expectations climb higher than what we can often achieve."...

No trailer yet. No telling where this one might go.


● Valentine's Day, that beloved, oversugared, fraught symbol of very traditional romance, always provokes media attention to nontraditional relationship forms.

For instance Pittsburgh Magazine, a glossy, upscale city monthly, chose Val's Day to post a long, positive feature from its March print issue online: Polyamorous: Changing Stereotypes about a Non-Monogamous Lifestyle.

Pittsburghers pursuing relationships with multiple partners want to change the stereotypes about their lifestyle.

The hands of (from left) Whiskey, Dom, and Pete.

 
By Justin Vellucci, Photos by David Kelly

This is a Pittsburgh family — three adults of different ages, races and backgrounds, lounging in a Squirrel Hill teahouse, laughing and sharing each other’s drinks and finger-food on a winter night.

Pete Oddi is 37, white, and blue-collared, a welder and a delivery driver who wears his clothes loose, his beard untrimmed and his queer identity like a badge of honor; jokes always are fermenting behind his rictus of a mouth. Oddi is dating and living in the South Hills with Whiskey Hill, a gender non-binary 28-year-old African American who finds levity in even the most knotted life situations. And Whiskey dates Dom Alexander, a Youngstown, Ohio, native transplanted here three years ago who works at Carnegie Library of Pittsburgh and easily unfurls observations about love and sex. ...

...“People think polyamory is very free-wheeling – you know, ’60s-style free love. It’s really about connection,” says A., 25, of the East End, a bisexual African American woman whose bleached-blonde braids highlight a face framed by a silver ring in her nose. “People on the outside who haven’t done it would be surprised. You have to talk to people. And you have to respect boundaries. It’s a messy and complicated galaxy of emotions – but it is also very fun.”

...About 26 percent of individuals who practice polyamory reported some form of discrimination based on their lifestyle, according to a 2012 study by the nonprofit group Loving More, which supports polyamorous people.

...The group Poly In Pittsburgh had nearly 1,000 members in 2019. Its monthly meet-ups at city hot-spots – social engagements where people not interested in solo-partner ventures connect – draw upwards of 75 or 100 people. And hundreds gathered in Pennsylvania recently for a conference on consensual non-monogamy.

...“It’s a large population that exists but is closeted,” says Dr. Heath Schechinger, Counseling Psychologist at the University of California at Berkeley and private practitioner, who co-founded, but does not speak on behalf of, the American Psychological Association [CNM] task force. “All we know is this population is highly stigmatized. We need to take steps to protect these people, these relationships. [Research] tells us this is common and normal and not a big deal. This is as common as owning a house cat.”

It’s also, to crib from the modern parlance, trending.

“I see relationship structure to be the next wave we’re about to address, following sexual orientation and gender identity,” Schechinger says. “We’re starting to realize that the ‘One size fits all’ model isn’t working for everyone.”

---------------------

...Hawkins spoke with Pittsburgh Magazine on the condition that editors not accompany her story with the frequently used photo of three anonymous pairs of feet intertwined under a blanket.

“People always envision these non-stop orgies,” Hawkins laughs. “What it is really is a lot of Google Calendaring, figuring out when you can be with your partners, your family. The most important thing I like to stress about polyamory is that I don’t limit myself.”

...Robyn Trask became executive director of the nonprofit Loving More in 2004. (It is based, yes, in Loveland, Colorado.) She says the organization, which promotes awareness and education around consensual non-monogamy, holds an annual conference “to create a safe space for people to explore polyamory, relationships and other points of sexuality.”

The 2020 conference took place Feb. 7-9 in Philadelphia. The first Poly Living Conference was held in 2005 but Loving More has been having conferences since 1986.

“Our goal, our mission, is to educate people about polyamory and to discuss that there are many kinds of love – it comes in many forms,” says Trask, who is married and has been polyamorous for 30 years. “People [used to be] shocked by what we’re teaching, but that doesn’t happen as much anymore.”

---------------------

...All three have found camaraderie in Pittsburgh’s polyamorous communities.

“There’s a real sense of, ‘We’re all in this together,’” Hill says. “That, more than anything, is what consensual non-monogamy is at its core. It’s about caring for other people. And I think in humanity, and in American society, that’s something we’ve lost.”

Go click through to the whole article. It's a good read and a fine intro for the many who, believe it or not, still haven't heard of this thing we do.


● USA Today, one day after enthusing all over the "House Hunters" triad, presented a long Val's Day poly-101 intro for people new to the concept: What you need to know about polyamory — including throuples — but were too afraid to ask (Feb. 14). It comes with a 1-minute slide show:

By Joshua Bote

Romantic relationships aren't always just between two people. Sometimes, these relationships may involve three or four — or even more people. This is known as polyamory.

...It's part of the broader umbrella of consensual non-monogamy, said Crystal Byrd Farmer, a writer based in Gastonia, North Carolina and the online editor of the magazine and forum Black & Poly.

In short, polyamory is when people are "in consenting relationships with multiple people," Farmer told USA TODAY. There are plenty of varying perspectives on how polyamorous relationships work, she said, but ultimately, all polyamorous relationships are different and based on the needs and wants of the people involved.

Polyamory comes with its own set of guidelines and issues. And to be clear, people in the polyamory community say not everyone should pursue it, even if it sounds appealing.

Below are a few questions you may have had about polyamory, but were too afraid to ask.

A throuple is a relationship in which all three people are involved with each other intimately.... There are also quads, which are similar to triads except they involve four people.

Polyamorous relationships can be as simple as a throuple that is only connected to each other, or as complicated as a network of people who can be involved or not involved with each other.

In these relationships, there are metamours, which are people who your partner is seeing but you are not involved in.

Everyone in the network is commonly known as a polycule, no matter how many people are in it. ...

...Polyamory is not just about sex, both Farmer and [Mimi] Schippers point out, whereas open marriages, open relationships and swinging tend to emphasize the sexual parts of a relationship.

"If it's mostly sexual, it may not be considered polyamory," Farmer said. "Polyamorous people try to emphasize that there's a romantic love element to it."

Schippers agrees, but notes that it may not always be a romantic facet to polyamory either.

"Like with monogamous couples, (polyamorous relationships have) a sense of mutual interdependency and responsibility to each other," she said. "That's what distinguishes polyamory from other forms of consensual non-monogamy."

...Polyamory is absolutely not an excuse to cheat, both Farmer and Schippers say. ... "If you're not ethical in a monogamous relationship, how are you going to be ethical in a non-monogamous relationship?" Farmer said. "We don't like cheaters in polyamory."

If anything, Farmer says, a polyamorous relationship can amplify the issues that you may have already in a monogamous relationship. Communication and boundaries are just as vital in monogamous relationships as they are in polyamorous ones.

"If you didn't realize you were bad at relationships, you'll realize it after you start dating more than one person," Farmer said.

The USA Today headline indicates that "throuple" has become a hot search term compared to the community's own "triad." And maybe editors are assuming that, whatever the term, three is the characteristic poly number? Can we disabuse them of that, you guys?

But the fact is, threes are the most common form of group relationships, if only because three is the structurally simplest number beyond two. Therefore threes provide the most interview subjects. As I've pointed out, the more complicated the poly bond, the less often it "occurs in nature." Which is why I think couples will always be the most common relationship structure, even in the far science-fiction future.

Meanwhile, unstructured solopolys, RA's, and loose, extended poly networks look too much like ordinary dating to attract much media interest.


● From Cosmopolitan magazine came How to Celebrate Valentine’s Day When You’re In a Polyamorous Relationship (Feb. 12)

Katie Buckleitner/ Cosmopolitan

By Kat Jercich

I’ve always loved Valentine’s Day.... So when I started seriously dating more than one person at once, Valentine’s Day instead became an opportunity to worry about letting my loved ones down. ... What if they each wanted to go out to a fancy dinner on Valentine’s evening? ...What if they compared notes and my girlfriend thought the flowers I’d gotten my boyfriend were nicer than the candy I’d gotten for her? (This is not in character for either of them, but welcome to the carnival haunted house that is my brain.)

...I asked a few friends and acquaintances who are dating multiple people what they were doing for the holiday.

Emily, 27, ... plans to see a Valentine’s Day-themed show on the 14th with her foundational partner, “but that's because Fridays are my date night with him,” she explains. “The following day, I'm going to do some sort of cute date with my new partner — probably ax throwing or going to queer contra dancing. ... I probably will get them a card or candy or something since they recently got me cute socks with my dog's face on them.”

...For Amber, 32, “What I'm really excited about this year is that I am extremely fortunate to have a wonderful polycule. B. and I are committed. I'm committed to R. And R. is committed to M. But all of us get along fantastically well and enjoy spending time with one another. I've never felt the level of trust and comfort that I do with these three other humans. To celebrate Valentine's Day, we're getting couples’ massages together, then going to R.'s apartment and cooking a big dinner.” ...

And on it goes with more such stories. To the end:

My takeaway: Just like in any relationship, the best way to address my concerns about Valentine’s Day with multiple partners is to talk about it head-on like an adult.

Well, yeah? But so many people need to hear that. Over and over. And over.


● This long piece, in English, flew in from the Buenos Aries Times in Argentina: Love in the time of polyamory (Feb. 13):

Polyamorous, and other non-traditional relationships, are coming to the fore in Latin America, as subject matter for books, series and articles.

Polyamory, defined as the affective-sexual relations of more than two people; relational anarchy, which refuses to pigeonhole the bonds of love into categories; and open relationships, forms of "free love"; are more honest and consensual, according to those who practise them.

..."It is not a war against monogamy, but against the mono norm, which is the imposition of that mandate," says Deb Barreiro, 29, an activist with Amor Libre Argentina. ...

● The Daily Mail in full-on celebrity mode: Bella Thorne asks followers 'who wants to be our third?' as she shares flirty Valentine's Day photos with beau Benjamin Mascolo (Feb. 14):

She's been open about her experiences with polyamory.

And it seems like Bella Thorne is ready to find another person to join her relationship with beau Benjamin Mascolo. ...

● From Vancouver's venerable alternative weekly The Georgia Straight, more than a half century old: 'Poly Queer Love Ballad' creators to discuss love and art at Valentine's weekend event (Feb. 14):

The play follows a polyamorous bisexual poet and a monogamous lesbian songwriter as they attempt to balance their attraction to each other with their differing views on love, amid a mix of pop-folk tunes and poetry.

● From The Bold Italic, "an online magazine that celebrates the character and free-wheeling spirit of San Francisco and the Bay Area": Why I’m Polyamorous (Feb. 13). Why? "Learning to care for and support the people I love, not control them."


● Labels matter. On The Greatest, How a Polyamorous Relationship Taught Me Labels Don't Matter (approx. Feb. 14)

...Lynn was up-front about who she was: pansexual, poly, and married. And as we became friends, I began to like her more and more.

...Before Lynn, I thought poly people were just swingers with big eyes, high sex drives, and commitment issues. But as we dated and my short misadventures in the world of polyamory began, I began to notice misconceptions I had about labels and the way I existed in relationships.

1. People misuse the “poly” label — a lot

In the past, I’d dated people who claimed to be polyamorous, but really, they were just cheating. ...

...Another term that’s used interchangeably is “ethical non-monogamy” or “consensual nonmonogamy.” [No, polyamory is just one type of those. –Ed.]

2. Feeling secure is about attachment styles, not monogamy vs. polyamory

Attachment theory is a [label-filled] psychological model describing how the dynamics between humans work. ... My attachment style is anxious and shaky at best. ... A secure attachment style means the person is confident in their relationships. ... Insecure attachment styles can vary, although they’re mainly separated into anxious (low confidence in self but high trust in others) and avoidant (high confidence in self but low trust in others).

3. Polyamory doesn’t mean you’ll get less attention or affection

...To my surprise, whoever else Lynn was with didn’t matter so much. What mattered was the amount of affection she gave me when we were together. ...

4. Don’t assume dating someone with more experience will solve issues. ...

5. Listen to your discomfort and honor your need for respect. ...

And in other news,

The #open logo

● New developments in Facebook's ban on open-dating apps (another reason to hate Facebook). Remember that well-meaning couple who created the poly dating app #open, then had their ads refused by Facebook because #open is for polyfolks and other open types?

The petition the couple launched two weeks ago (go sign it) is catching wider attention. From Insider: Facebook has blocked a queer and polyamorous-friendly dating app from posting ads, saying there isn't a global appetite for it (Feb. 14):

By Julia Naftulin

Communities of queer, polyamorous, and other marginalized people are making dating apps to cater to their long-underserved communities, but Facebook’s advertising policy could drive a wedge in their efforts to reach others.

[Says #open co-founder Amanda Wilson,] “Facebook has decided that sexuality is only acceptable on their platform if it pleases their ‘global audience’ who, according to them, isn’t quite ready to accept the idea of ‘casual dating.’ ”

The company’s view, Wilson said, seems at odds with the fact [that Facebook has] “hundreds of polyamory, ethical/consensual non-monogamy, kink, and swinger discussion groups with over 350 thousand active users seeking to engage with those online communities.”

Wilson sees Facebook as the most influential platform to reach the marginalized communities their app is made for. ...

Wilson and #open’s director of operations, Maile Manliguis, told Insider that they attempted twice to advertise on Facebook. ... “Within two hours of submitting just the general application, we got kickback from Facebook saying that we were not approved because we offer couple and group options, and that puts an emphasis on sex,” Manliguis said.

Reviewing the advertising policies, they saw that Facebook does not have a ban on couple or group sex apps, so they decided to change the wording.

This time, Manliguis dropped the “sex-positive” tag line, removed the word “kink,” and all imagery of groups or couples. Still, the ad was rejected.

That time, Facebook said their “advertising policies are informed by detailed global user sentiment analysis to reflect the global audience on our platform,” according to a message the company sent to #open. The message continued, saying Facebook couldn’t onboard #open as a dating advertiser because “we do not allow dating services that promote hookups or sites with ‘couple’ or ‘group’ options.” ...

However, The Next Web (TNW) points out that Facebook's moralistic stance is likely just a diversion from the real reason. Its article is titled: Facebook uses its ad policies to block apps that compete with its dating service (Feb. 18).

...Ashley Madison, #Open, and other dating sites are direct competition with Facebook Dating.

If you want to cheat on your spouse, Facebook Dating’s there to make things easy for you. It’ll hide your relationship status so you can pretend to be single, and the algorithm makes sure that nobody in your friend-sphere will see your dating profile, thus lowering the odds that someone will tip off your significant other.

In the past, Facebook let sites such as OKCupid – which has options for couple dating, polyamory, and open relationships – advertise on its platform. Even going so far as to allow for what the social network deems “sexually suggestive” campaigns that gave direct mention to “foreplay” and sex.

But now that it’s launched its own dating service, we weren’t able to find any ads running from the likes of Tinder, OKCupid, or #Open.

It’s beyond disingenuous to build a dating service that takes great pains to make cheating easy while snubbing apps that offer romance options for those in nontraditional and consensual non-monogamous relationships.

If Facebook wants to inflict its morality on billions of users, maybe it shouldn’t develop services directly for them that don’t meet the bar it sets for companies wishing to advertise similar products on its platform.

With this going on I wish I could endorse #open. But despite its creators' best intentions, a reviewer says it's still frustratingly buggy: There's still no good dating app for non-monogamous people (Mashable, Feb. 6).

BTW, Facebook Dating may be turning into a flop. See more.


● Remember, Metamour Day is next Friday, February 28! "Honoring Polyamory’s Most Distinctive Relationships." Download cards and browse swag. More on Metamour Day to come.

That's Friday Polynews Roundup for now. See you next Friday unless stuff comes up sooner. (Did I mention that it'll be Metamour Day?)

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Refinery 29: "The Best Dating Apps For Non-Monogamous Couples"

Here's a signal boost for an article yesterday in the feminist Refinery 29 — because so many of you bemoan the limited poly-specific dating pool, and the annoyance and drama that arise from casting nets that, however well you try to craft them, drag up the wrong fish.

The Best Dating Apps For Non-Monogamous Couples [and poly singles, might I add? –Ed.]

By Erika W. Smith

...Polyamory is typically defined as being in multiple romantic relationships at the same time, with everyone knowing and consenting. Ethical non-monogamy is an umbrella term that encompasses a lot more — polyamory, as well as swinging, having threesomes, and having occasional casual sex outside a relationship (which Dan Savage calls “monogamish”). In other words, ethical non-monogamy is anything outside of a monogamous relationship, with everyone involved knowing and consenting. ...

In recent years, some mainstream dating apps have made tweaks to be more welcoming to polyamorous couples [sic]. In 2016, OkCupid added a feature allowing people who list themselves as “in an open relationship,” “married,” or “seeing someone” to link their profiles to their primary partner’s. Other apps, such as Feeld, have been developed with non-monogamy in mind.

...Be honest in your bio. Say what you're looking for, not what you're NOT looking for. [And, I might add, specify exactly what "polyamory" means for you.] Be kind. Don't get overzealous with swiping, because there won't be a perfect person waiting there. ...

Then comes a click-along slide show (because capitalism) briefly describing Feeld, OKCupid, PolyFinda, Tinder, and #open. Those are their logos above.

The article (June 3, 2019).

My previous posts about poly dating.

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