Friday Polyamory News Roundup: Good Morning America, successful polyfams, Covid coping, and more.

●  ABC-TV's "Good Morning America" today aired a 3½-minute segment about three-parent families, continuing the recent spate of news stories on the topic.

The segment draws on The Atlantic's article last month The Rise of the 3-Parent Family and features the same set of three parents. It also gives a few seconds of air time to lawyer Diana Adams, who specializes in legal arrangements for poly and other non-traditional families and runs the Chosen Family Law Center. That was too brief for her to deliver the kind of pithy quotes you may remember from the Atlantic story.

Watch here (aired Oct 9): 

●  Poly in the time of Covid stories continue to appear in the media, though less often now than last spring. Today, for instance, What it's like to be polyamorous and non-monogamous during a pandemic is in the "Executive Life" section of Business Insider Australia (Oct. 9) and other international editions of Insider. It's by Canela López, making this at least her fifth polyam story for Insider in the last year. 

...Poly and non-monogamous people are having to find alternative ways to keep themselves safe.

Ronaldo Schemidt / Getty

By Canela López

...“This is really not a time to have multiple partners, especially if you’re going to be doing anything that involves taking off the mask,” Dr. Sandra Kesh, an infectious disease specialist... told Insider.

...“I think it’s about harm reduction in the terms of it being sustainable to social distance,” Ken, a polyamorous person in Spokane, Washington told Insider. “It’s a lot to ask non-monogamous people to not be with all of their partners, and for mental health, it just is not sustainable.”

Insider spoke to several polyamorous and non-monogamous people about how they are keeping themselves safe during the pandemic.

Frequent testing is key

A Tulane University senior [said] when the pandemic was declared in mid-March they stopped seeing people, relocated to California for the summer, and did coronavirus research for a highly ranked university. But when they returned to New Orleans in August, they gave it two weeks and decided to contact their old Tinder hookups and friends with benefits.

This is in large part because Tulane requires its students to get tested for COVID-19 twice a week. ...

...Ken started seeing his partner Angie in early August when restrictions on social distancing began to loosen up. Because Angie has four partners and Angie’s spouse additionally has multiple partners, everyone in the polycule — “people involved in the polyamorous dynamic” — has to get tested for COVID-19 once a week.

Limiting high-risk activities like kissing has made some people feel safer

New York City put out guidelines in June on how people could reduce their risk of infection during sex, like wearing masks, doing positions like doggie style or rider positions, and avoiding swapping [the virus] by performing anilingus or kissing.

While they don’t wear a mask during sex, the Tulane student said they try to follow the advisory to limit the exchange of fluids with their partners to reduce their risk.

...Because they live on-campus and aren’t allowed to have guests in their rooms, they meet elsewhere.... They once even got caught having sex in Audubon Park, a public park located across the street from Tulane.

Open and honest communication about social distancing and boundaries

Like discussions within polyamorous and non-monogamous dynamics prior to the pandemic, boundaries and expectations are incredibly important to set before adding a partner to a polycule or rotation of people.

“Ken was definitely very intentional and being like, making sure I knew that they would wear masks during dates, they would be socially distanced, telling me whenever they planned on actually going over to Angie’s house,” Ri said. “We’re super talkative with each other about those things.”

The 21-year-old Tulane senior told Insider they are fully transparent with each of their sexual partners about the number of people they’re having sex with and how many people they generally interact with. “I let them know that they’re not going to be like the only person in my life that I’m involved with sexually because I feel gross if I keep people in the dark,” they said. As of early August, no one in their rotation has tested positive for COVID-19. ...

●  Actor and bi-poly relationship educator Nico Tortorella is on the the cover of Attitude, the UK's "best-selling gay magazine": Nico Tortorella lifts the lid on their queer polyamorous relationship (short version online Oct. 7, also in Out, PinkNews, and elsewhere; full interview paywalled in the November Attitude print issue).

...The star of The Walking Dead: World Beyond is more than happy to help educate family, friends and fans about the vast spectrum of sexual identity if it opens hearts and minds.

...Nico met his now-wife Bethany C. Meyers during college, and the pair have maintained a relationship for almost 15 years while often exploring their sexualities independently of one another.

...While society's understanding and acceptance of LGBTQ people has moved on leaps and bounds over the last two decades, the concept of polyamorous relationships remains taboo to many people, straight and queer alike.

..."I think both of those words, queer and polyamorous, are heavily weighted, and they mean different things to different people. And what they mean to us works for us. And sometimes it doesn’t. We still struggle. We’re not experts in any of these fields. But what’s different about it is we’re having these conversations publicly. Every single day is a learning process for us. The next step is us bringing children into the conversation and into the mix."

●  Polyfamily researcher Eli Sheff, author of The Polyamorists Next Door and a long-running Psychology Today blog of the same name, is out with a pair of advisory pieces on the most common things that newly opening couples seem to want. Unicorn Hunting for Heteroflexible Threesomes ("Why it is so difficult for heteroflexible couples to find women to date?", Sept. 21),  and How Can Nonmonogamous Couples Improve Their Dating Lives?  ("Tips on expanding your dating pool and treating partners right," Oct  9.)

●  And this week's happy polyfamily in the tabloids: Pregnant girlfriend who admits she struggled when her boyfriend's ex joined their relationship now wants him to have a baby with her too so that their children will grow up close (Daily Mail, Oct. 8)

A woman in a polyamorous relationship who accidentally got pregnant has revealed she now wants her boyfriend to have a baby with his other girlfriend, too.

Trainee public accountant Hayley Hale, 22, from Cincinnati, Ohio, and psychology student Ciara DeJesus, 20, both spent their high school years casually dating receptionist Devin Hale, 24.

Hayley and Devin decided to make their relationship more serious in 2015 and have been together ever since, but in 2018, Ciara got in touch and asked if they wanted to form a three-way relationship. 

Although Hayley had reservations about the idea, Devin was excited and she decided to give it a go.

The initial 12 months were difficult, with both girls' previous relationships with Devin making it hard for them to connect on the same level.

Hayley says that jealousy in a polyamorous relationship can turn small disagreements into massive flare ups, but by working on their individual relationships, the trio now get on well.

After Hayley and Ciara focused on developing their own relationship, the romance between the throuple also blossomed.

Hayley said: 'Polyamory to us is just like a regular relationship but more complex because it involves three people.

'It's more like having four relationships - we all have individual relationships with each other and then one as a whole.'

 

The trio already live together and share a bed and all of their finances, and they hope that with three incomes supporting their household, they will be able to have greater financial freedom

The trio plan to have a wedding ceremony, which will not be legally binding, to show to their families how committed they are to their polyamorous relationship.

'Being a triad means we get more out of life because we will be able to have an even bigger family with more love, support and financial freedom.'  

...'Everyone is so different and so is everyone's version of love.

'Live the life you want, be happy, love is love'.

Till next time! Take care, and check your voter registration status in any of the 50 states. So that if you've been purged from your local voter list without your knowledge, as happens, you can demand it be fixed.

And if you have not registered to vote where you currently reside, you can also check that link to see whether you still can. Deadlines are passing; do it right now.

 

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Flamingly out and proud, Nico Tortorella and Bethany Meyers carry the flag on ABC's Nightline and Good Morning America

Yesterday (Sunday October 27), CBS News's 24/7 streaming channel CBSN aired a one-hour documentary on stigmas and problems that polyfolks, and other people doing consensual nonmonogamy, often face in confronting the wider world.

Meanwhile over at ABC News, "Nightline" aired an 8½-minute piece last Thursday about two people who are wildly out and on a mission to support those who can't be — whether about gender diversity, bisexuality, or polyamory. Actor Nico Tortorella and their partner Bethany Meyers are probably the world's most public exemplars right now for that constellation.

The prompt for the "Nightline" segment — also on Good Morning America or at least its webpage — was Tortorella's new memoir, Space Between: Explorations of Love, Sex, and Fluidity, published last month. Watch here:




From the transcript (online Oct. 24, 2019):

At the 2019 GLSEN Respect Awards

...Tortorella and Meyers are a uniquely modern couple. Both are gender fluid, using “they/them” pronouns and their marriage is polyamorous -- redefining what it means to be “husband and wife.”

Their story is laid out in Tortorella’s new book “Space Between.” It’s a place, Tortorella suggests, where people who don’t consider themselves “he” or “she” can call their own.

“When Bethany and I met in 2006, I was a boy and she was a girl, whatever that means,” Tortorella said, reading from “Space Between.” “Today Bethany and I both identify as non-binary and prefer ‘they/them’ pronouns.”

...The 31-year-old has found fame portraying the hyper-masculine tattoo artist Josh on TV Land’s hit show “Younger,” Lyle Menendez in Lifetime’s “Blood Brothers” and will portray a queer character battling the zombie apocalypse in the upcoming spinoff of AMC’s “The Walking Dead.”

...“Nightline” joined Tortorella and Meyers at their upstate New York home, where Meyers discussed why they made the traditional and somewhat unexpected choice to get married.

“I knew that when it came to having a foundation and a family foundation, that this was the person for me to do it with,” Meyers said.

...Tortorella explained that being polyamorous didn’t mean having group sex. “It’s the ability to create space for more than one person at any given point,” they said.

“It’s love,” Meyers added. “Sometimes I get a little bit jealous but jealousy is something that I often have to practice, it’s a very normal human emotion.” ...

Their untraditional love story began as teenagers in a Chicago art school when Tortorella developed a crush. ...

At New York Fashion Week, 2018.

In 2018, [Tortorella] walked the runway at New York Fashion Week in a sheer black gown accompanied by a full beard and chest hair.

“It’s political… It's not just throwing on a dress because I'm having fun. It's to prove a point,” Tortorella said. “And I look good in a dress, so what's the problem?”

...“I have a certain privilege that other people do not have and a responsibility [and a] right to raise awareness,” they said. “That's part of my activism. Wearing a dress is activism for me.”

...Tortorella is using their voice to advocate for young people who identify as gender-queer, creating a sense of belonging for others in the LGBTQ+ community, many of whom need a sanctuary to call their own.

“Share more. Share more than you thought was okay,” Tortorella said of advice they’d give their younger self. “Just talk about how you are feeling more than you are, because then you can begin to feel differently.”

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Nico Tortorella is developing a TV show around polyfolks

Bethany Meyers (left) and Nico Tortorella camp it up at Love Ball III in June. (Jamie McCarthy/Getty)

 
Actor Nico Tortorella and partner Bethany Meyers are vocal exemplars of gender fluidity, bi acceptance, and polyamory, as described here in 2017 and when they got unconventionally married in 2018.

Now Nico is out with a memoir: Space Between: Explorations of Love, Sex, and Fluidity. The book occasioned an interview yesterday in Nico's hometown Chicago Tribune. Toward the end comes this:

Q: You point out that there’s not a lot of storytelling about polyamorous relationships in TV and film.

A: I think we’re still sex obsessed as a culture. And I think we’re all pretty confused on what sex means and why we do the things we do. And we’re not at polyamory yet in terms of mainstream conversation and culture. But I think it’s coming. It’s the next wave, for sure.

Q: It seems like being able to see what that is, through a TV show or movie, would be invaluable for people who have a hard time conceiving what it looks like.

A: Which is why it was so important for me to the write the book.

And I’m in early stages of development for the TV show right now.

Q: A show about polyamorous relationships?

A: Yeah, it’s going to be roughly based off the book and the characters, but not me and Bethany.

The whole article (September 18, 2019).

We're staying tuned.


--------------------------------

● Also up today: A nice little Poly 101 explanation What is Polyamory? in Happiful, "the magazine devoted to mental health," a print magazine in the UK as well as online (Sept. 19)

Not sure if there’s one person out there for you? Got a lot of love to give? We take a closer look at the non-monogamous approach to relationships

...Mental health blogger Lindsay Hughes tells us about her own experience: “I became aware of polyamory via someone on social media. The set-up she has with her partner seemed to work well for them, and it was refreshing to see a non-conventional relationship where both partners were supported, and seemed to flourish with each other as well as others.”

Lindsay and her partner of five years started discussing polyamory at the start of this year. “It’s working for us at the moment. It would be difficult to disengage from it now we’ve started, but if, in the future, it no longer suits us, then we would transition back to monogamy, or inactive polyamory.” ...

What are the downsides?

Taking an approach that’s outside of social norms doesn’t come without its challenges. According to counsellor Alex Sanderson-Shortt, dealing with other people’s opinions can be tricky to negotiate.

“Decisions need to be made about who knows what about your relationship. Living with these kinds of secrets can be stressful for people, and affect relationships.”

Jealousy is another issue that can come up. ...

What are the benefits of polyamory?

...Lindsay notes: “It’s not that my partner and I don’t meet each others’ needs, but you don’t necessarily share everything with one person. I think that relying on one person to meet all your needs may not always be the best idea.”

She also says her confidence has been boosted by meeting others. “My partner and I are both quite anxious, so it hasn’t always been easy, but there’s something lovely about meeting someone completely new and developing a relationship.”

For Lindsay, it’s this meeting new people, and the self-awareness polyamory facilitates, that helped her tackle her social anxieties, and made her more resilient.

If you’re thinking of trying polyamory…

Counsellor Alex reiterates that communication is key. “Managing any form of consensual non-monogamy needs communication. There needs to be resilience and a support network, as it is still considered odd by many. It can be a really positive experience, and should be celebrated as such when everyone feels they have a fully-consensual experience within the relationship.”

...Stepping outside of societal norms can feel daunting, but for many it’s also liberating. Our advice? Educate yourself on your options, keep communicating, and find a way of loving others that feels good to all involved.

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Nico Tortorella and Bethany Meyers, poly TV-star couple, back in the news as they marry

When a celebrity makes news as "polyamorous," you never know what you're gonna get — often a cringe-y misuse of the word. But two who use it accurately are TV star Nico Tortorella (of the Younger series) and life partner Bethany Meyers. They're excellent public representatives of the primary-secondary version of poly — or if you don't like hierarchical language, "anchor and satellites."

Here's more since my post about the two last summer, when they made the cover of The Advocate.

● They're in the news right now for announcing that after 12 years, they just got married. They've published the story of the wedding and their lives leading up to it in the online queer magazine them: Inside Nico Tortorella and Bethany Meyers' Private, Epic Wedding (March 17, 2018).

After crowning each other at the courthouse. (Victoria Matthews photo)

They alternate narrating. Here's from Bethany early in the piece:

If you had to label it, Nico and I are in a queer polyamorous relationship. Labels that help people understand, but not labels that define us. Most think we planned this and one day decided we would be multiple-love kind of people. We didn’t. It’s just the way our relationship developed over 12 years. We became polyamorous without ever really trying, and we let each other go so often; I guess we finally realized it’s the reason we are impenetrable. It’s hard to break something that bends.

As written up in People: Younger’s Nico Tortorella Got Married 'for Real' to Partner in Matching 'Genderblending Ensembles' (March 17)

...While Tortorella and Meyers don’t seek to put labels on themselves or each other, they added that they understand the world’s need for [labels].

“I can be emotionally, physically attracted to men,” he continued. “I can be emotionally, physically attracted to women. The ‘B’ in LGBTQ-plus has been fought for, for so long. I’m not going to be the person that’s like, ‘No, I need a ‘P,’ I need another letter!’ I stand by people that have paved this way for somebody like me.”

● In Women's Health, Bethany goes into greater depth: ‘I’m In A Polyamorous Relationship — Here’s How It Works’ (online March 12):

I’ve been in a polyamorous relationship for almost 12 years, but my partner, Nico, and I didn’t always call it that. In fact, we adopted the "poly" label more as a way to help others understand our relationship, but we just view each other as partners.

We met in college. I was drawn to him because he was one of the first people who challenged the ultra-conservative beliefs I had grown up with, in a noninvasive way. He introduced me to things I now love, like yoga, and there was an instant connection. But our relationship has always been really unique.

...We love each other and are family, but we both believe in letting the other live the life that makes them happy. We realized pretty early that we can’t satisfy each other’s every need, especially when we were living so far away from each other. So we got really honest about dating other people and letting those people into each other’s lives.

That’s just progressed over the last 12 years, so it’s funny to now be putting a polyamorous label on it, when we didn’t have a big conversation about entering into a poly relationship. It’s just what worked for us and it’s where we’ve landed.

But that’s not to say it’s been easy. Nico and I have to operate with full transparency. No Saran Wrap, nothing. I’ve learned that when people find out about things after the fact, it’s incredibly hurtful. But if you’re up front about new partners, you can work through those emotions.

So when I’m going to a party to meet people, Nico knows about that. It’s not a secret. And it’s not a secret to anyone I meet there that I’m with Nico. I would never take someone home unless Nico and I had talked about it first.

Yes, jealousy happens — it’s a human emotion, and we all have that desire to be number one. I’ve found that being really honest about what’s going on in our lives helps combat that.

It’s also important to understand each other’s boundaries. Nico and I have been together for so long that we just get it, and we don’t have to check in with each other about those things a lot. But I dated another woman who was super monogamy-oriented, and I’m not, and we had to set up boundaries that worked for us. We had a zip code rule — we couldn’t date anyone else in the New York area, and that was hard for me. We were never able to find a sweet spot with the boundaries that worked for both of us, and that’s why it didn't last.

[The Most Common Misconceptions About Polyamory]

That’s one of the hardest parts of being polyamorous — finding the right people. There are a lot of people who think they can do this, and then emotions get involved and they can’t. You have to find people who are really in touch with themselves and how they feel.

When I meet someone I’m into, I try to be really upfront but casual at the same time. I’m not exactly yelling, “I’m poly! Wanna be my second girlfriend? It’ll be great!” That’s a lot. But I try to talk about my relationship as realistically as possible. I talk about Nico the way he is. He’s a great person; Nico is an addition to the team, not a subtraction from the team. He’s a support person for me, so it actually is a very positive place to be in.

The label is the scariest thing. People hear “polyamorous” and they think it’s people having sex like crazy and that’s just not how it is.

For Nico and I, the benefits far outweigh the challenges. I feel safe in our relationship. In monogamy, there’s often this fear of “But what if they leave me?” With polyamory, that fear is gone because no one needs to cheat or lie, and we’ve built this place of trust where we can really talk about what’s working and what’s not working. And that feels like a better place for me. Being poly allows us to be authentic and explore what makes us happy in our lives in a way I didn’t feel like I could in monogamous relationships.

Being open about our relationship has been hard on some people in our lives (my family didn't welcome us at our holiday celebrations this year), but mostly, the feedback we’ve gotten has been amazing. ...

We feel like it’s important to talk about it and normalize it, especially because we look like a straight couple in a photo, and we don’t identify with that at all. Being able to sort of get away with that when we’re walking down the street or traveling gives us privileges that most queer people don’t have, but it’s also important to show that being poly and queer can look a lot of different ways.

● Also in Women's Health: This Polyamorous Actor Just Gave A Glimpse Into What Life With Multiple Partners Is Like (Nov. 14, 2017).

Family dynamics are tough and it’s pretty much a given that your family is never going to get you 100 percent. That said, you'd hope that they’d support you most of the time...especially around the holidays.

Unfortunately, Younger actor Nico Tortorella and his partner of 11 years, fitness and wellness entrepreneur Bethany Meyers, say their decision to be open about being polyamorous makes them unwelcome with her family this holiday season.

“Honestly, it’s kind of a sensitive topic right this second,” Nico told People at an event on Monday. “Because of all the attention that the relationship has gotten recently, we are coming up to the holiday season and because of certain things that were said, Bethany and I are not necessarily, completely welcome in her family celebrations this year.”

In July, Nico and Bethany opened up about their sexuality to The Advocate. Nico said at the time that he identifies as pansexual (meaning he’s attracted to everyone regardless of their gender identity or sex) while Bethany identifies as gay.

The couple also opened up about dating other people — Bethany said she’s happy to have casual sex, while Nico prefers to be in love first. “For me, sex is such an explosive exchange of energy between two people that if you’re not connected, energetically, before you have sex, it can be damaging,” he said. (He also added that he has no issues with casual sex — it's just not for him.)

And criticism from family aside, navigating how to best navigate their 11-year relationship hasn't been simple: “I think we’re raised with this idea that you’re supposed to go and find ‘the one,’ especially women,” Bethany said during Nico's podcast, The Love Bomb. “You’re looking for your Prince Charming. You need to be proposed to. There’s this one person you’re searching to find, so the idea of finding a stability partner, and having other things on top of that, feels too messy.”

Still, neither Bethany nor Nico regrets being open about their polyamorous relationship. “It just means we have to talk about it more. There are millions of people in non-traditional relationships that get cut off from their families every single day and it’s not okay,” Nico told People. ...

● That earlier People story: Nico Tortorella Defends Being a Polyamorist (Sept. 13, 2017).

“I’m not in an open relationship so I can go out and just f— whoever I want,” Tortotella explains in the Bravo clip. “For me, it’s more about the ability to emotionally connect with people outside of my primary partner.”

● The Bravo clip, ending with a snappy comeback:

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