Polyamory in the News
. . . by Alan M.



November 24, 2023

The best history yet of the polyamory movement's origins. Choosing if poly is right for you. And more.


Maybe Time magazine caught your attention last week with its web article The Surprising Political Evolution of American Polyamory by Christopher M. Gleason (online Nov. 13).

The occasion for the piece was Gleason's new book American Poly: A History, published November 1st by Oxford University Press. Following last year's Fifty Years of Polyamory in America by Glen W. Olson and Terry Lee Brussel-Rogers, this is the most extensive history yet of our movement's wildly colorful origins and growth, at least in the American context from the 1960s through the early 2000s.  

In the book and the Time article, Gleason emphasizes a provocative theme: the surprising variety of political and social viewpoints among the people who developed modern polyamory's ideas, ideals, and best practices and evangelized them into American awareness. Today most people associate poly with left-ish people and its enemies with the right. But the sorting used to be less predictable.

Here are chunks of Gleason's Time article:


Polyamory seems to have burst upon the American mainstream over the past two decades. The deluge of podcasts, TV shows, books, and magazine articles detailing polycules, metamores, throuples, threesomes, and moresomes testifies to the growing number of Americans willing to jettison monogamy.

...Though studies have shown that Americans from across the political spectrum have embraced forms of consensual non-monogamy, it tends to be liberal progressives who publicly laud polyamory as the next stage of the sexual revolution, while religious conservatives bemoan it as the next step in more than half a century of moral decline. Yet, setting polyamory within the longer history of American sexual dissent uncovers a complicated relationship between politics and sexual freedom that defies simplistic categorization.

Christopher M. Gleason
...Polyamory’s roots [in America] reach back at least a century to the Progressive Era, if not further, when Bohemian notions of free love breached major U.S. metropolises. The “Roaring Twenties” that ensued prefigured the sexual revolution of a half century later, as wars over birth control and the Equal Rights Amendment divided Americans....

The post-Depression era stifled sexual freedom. By the 1940s, the twin threats of nuclear annihilation and the spread of godless Communism exacerbated the return to sexual traditionalism, producing a cultural consensus on marriage and family that tolerated little dissent.

...[From the late 1940s through the 50s] the Beats were not the only Americans to chide mainstream mores, nor to use literature to do so. There was also Ayn Rand, the anti-statist Russian-born novelist bent on destroying all impediments to personal autonomy. Rand dabbled with ethical non-monogamy, believing that her and her protege's shared commitment to her philosophy of Objectivism provided sanction for their intimacy. Though they were honest about the relationship, it brought great emotional distress to both their spouses, and her disregard for the feelings of all others involved made it unlikely for polyamorists to claim her as an intellectual forebear.

The clearest link between polyamory and the first decades of the 20th century is traceable through the influence of acclaimed science fiction writer Robert Heinlein. Referring to himself as a “child of the Torrid Twenties,” Heinlein was a sexual iconoclast. His first two marriages in 1929 and 1932 were both open, and he spent the 1930s and 1940s frequenting nudist clubs, and running in countercultural circles that included the occultic sex magician and Cal Tech rocket scientist Jack Parsons....

...Heinlein’s rightward turn [post-war] did little to temper his promotion of sexually transgressive ideas. If anything, it reinforced the notion that sexual freedom should be protected as a private right. He lamented monogamy and monotheism as the two sacred cows of western civilization and continued to take aim at both in his novels. The [first] of such efforts was his 1961 novel Stranger in a Strange Land. The novel, which follows a human raised on Mars who returns to Earth and starts a church that rejects jealousy in lieu of ritualistic free love, took little time to become canonical within 1960s counterculture.

...The decisively conservative shift of the 1980s did much to halt the sexual revolution. Yet, it was within this conservative climate that disparate poly factions united. This [new,] predominately female-led coalition began publicly organizing, printing newsletters, planning conferences, and making media appearances.

In doing so, they rejected outdated versions of 1960s free love as wanton hedonism. In its place, they learned to speak the language of Reagan, arguing that when rooted in commitment, ethical non-monogamy was not antithetical to family values. In fact, it centered the family, providing greater emotional and financial stability in an age increasingly marred by political and economic uncertainty. Or as Ryam Nearing, the co-founder of the influential polyamory non-profit Loving More argued in 1984, committed multi-partner relationships were identical to monogamous relationships in that they were characterized by the joys and trials of navigating careers, childrearing, spirituality, and asset sharing. What they offered that monogamy could not was “far greater economic security, and an increase in loving parents and role models.” For Nearing, ethical non-monogamy meant “intimacy without nuclear couple isolation, multiplicity without shallowness.” Furthermore, those truly committed to the freedom afforded by limited government had no basis to deny such unions.

Many polyamorists no longer focus narrowly on commitment. Though their relationships may be lifelong, they tend to rest their sexual ethics on ideals of honesty, open communication, and mutual respect. For many of these Americans, polyamory remains a private matter. Others believe polyamory is a civil rights issue. Echoing their forebears, they claim that polyamory is not an assault on the American family, but rather a timely defense of it.  

Christopher M. Gleason is the Academic Director for the Georgia Coalition for Higher Education in Prison, part-time Assistant Professor at Kennesaw State University, and author of American Poly: A History.


Okay, I think he's stretching to make a point of those varied ideological backgrounds. Heinlein's Stranger in a Strange Land, published in 1961, was indeed an important inspiration for many in the 1960s and early 70s, including me, as word of it spread through the burgeoning youth movement (see my Polyamory, Robert Heinlein, and his definitive new biography). Heinlein was a committed New Dealer in the 1930s but had become a Goldwaterite right-winger with no intention to start a radical lefty movement. The poly model he set forth in Stranger was a dream impossible to live, since it depended entirely on magic psychic superpowers learned from Martians. More influential in practical terms were works like Robert Rimmer's The Harrad Experiment and Rimmer's other CNM-exploring novels set in contemporary reality. Rimmer also published books of letters sent to him by readers living in actual group relationships in the real world.

And the fact is, most of the people who created the 1960s counterculture, not just the proto-poly parts of it, came from a wide variety of political backgrounds or none at all — from classic Reds to New Deal progressives to Ayn Randers and former Goldwater supporters, but also millions of kids like me who just made it up as we went. People with different political philosophies in those days intermixed and swapped ideas more easily than now. Trust me, I was there for many of those 2 a.m. dorm-room and housing-coop bull sessions.

Gleason also explores other divergences among the seminal polyfolks of those early days. Today's poly movement, as a movement, stems most distinctly from two tireless founding mothers in the early-mid 1980s through the 1990s: Ryam Nearing and Deborah Anapol. In the movement's complex family tree, the two of them formed a trunk that carried sap from the tangled 1960s-70s roots to the later, ever-widening branches. Among many other things, they wrote the two books that marked the beginning of the modern polyamory movement and set forth many of the ideas it has kept today, as the count of nonfiction print books about polyamory passes 80. But Nearing and Anapol did not exactly get along.

Nearing was firmly set on closed, homey, polyfidelitous polyfamily, especially with kids, and advocated for primary-secondary hierarchy when a previous couple was involved. Anapol was a sexual and romantic free-wheeler who went through three husbands and graphically shared her adventures in her newsletters and later, Loving More magazine. Although she and Nearing were always friends, their different approaches kept them working separately for a decade — until the crucial 1993 Kirkridge "Sex and Spirit" conference in Pennsylvania's Pocono Mountains. The conference was organized by Father Robert T. Francoeur, a married, sex-positive Catholic priest. (The office of Pope Paul VI granted special recognition of his marriage, Francoeur later surmised, by accidentally rubber-stamping the wrong letter "Approved.") At the Kirkridge conference Francoeur, Rimmer, and others in the coalescing movement urged,  begged, implored Nearing and Anapol to combine forces. They did. The result was the full-fledged Loving More magazine and its conferences, which the two initially ran jointly.

Because of their continuing differences Anapol quit Loving More's management after one year, but she kept contributing frequently for many years more. Loving More was the poly movement's central nexus and growth driver through the 1990s. Its membership list grew to 10,000 under Nearing by 1999, before the internet enabled exponential spread.

A different type of early tension in the movement was what Gleason calls spiritualist: between sacred-sexuality people, including neo-Tantrics, Pagans, tarot readers, crystal believers, and New Agers generally, and less esoteric polys who often felt embarrassed by the former and dissed them as woo-woo. One example was the dispute about whether so many text-dense pages of Loving More magazine should be devoted to astrology. Members of a prominent quad who organized gatherings in Vermont set up a Yahoo discussion group called PolyWON, for Poly WithOut Newage, pronounced sewage.

Today those old conflicts are largely forgotten. But any of them could have derailed the movement when it was small and fragile. In facing the larger world, the movement indeed had a very tough sell. Its central revelation was that multi-intimate relationships can actually work among all parties — can blossom and thrive splendiferously — at least for some people, at least if they embrace hard-learned lessons about communication skills, caring, and honesty. Mainstream America mostly ridiculed the idea as impossible when it noticed us at all. But then the internet enabled the movement to find enough of its audience to take off.

And then so did serious media attention, after the dismissiveness and hostility that Nearing and Anapol often endured. This attitude shift in the media, happening in the mid and late 2000s, had much to do with the goal that Nearing's successor at Loving More, Robyn Trask, set for herself: to "make polyamory a household word." She was passionate about reaching people like her own former self: lost and ashamed in a monocentric wilderness, with no idea that another way is possible. She realized that this was something only the mass media could do, despite the movement's distrust of media exposure. Trask's indefatigable folksy friendliness made her a good interview catch, and she also made Loving More a trusted clearinghouse matching talkative, out polys to interested journalists. It worked. By 2012 the media's fascination with us had become unstoppable.   

The butterfly effect is real. Any "chaotic system," such as the weather or human affairs, is marked by huge effects emerging from fluky little causes — whether a paperwork-stamping error in the Vatican, or a college freshman in Missouri noticing an ad for the Science Fiction Book Club. The freshman, Lance Christie, turned his friend Oberon Zell on to Stranger.  Zell became Stranger's most colorful 1960s evangelist, and Zell's partner Morning Glory invented our defining word. 

One criticism of American Poly: It needed more readers pre-publication to catch careless mistakes. For instance, Morning Glory Zell's famous 1990 essay that birthed the word polyamory was "A Bouquet of Lovers," but Gleason calls it "A Banquet of Lovers" throughout the book. (Cannibalism?)  He misstates the name of this website. He repeatedly misspells the names of Robyn Trask and the early poly New Age skeptic Ken Olum. I have to wonder how many other details are off?

Still, this is a very impressive work. American Poly is the most comprehensive history yet of the inspirers, passionate early builders, and fluky bloodlines of modern polyamory's growth as a movement. It spans the era of Harrad, the Church of All Worlds, Haight-Ashbury, the Kerista commune (with its formative influence on the San Francisco counterculture and on Nearing and her husbands, though she was put off by Kerista's cultishness), Family Synergy, the Human Awareness Institute, the early PEPCONs, and the rest. These shaped the ideas and the fundamental good character of the movement we have today — which has at last propelled "the polyamorous possibility" (Elisabeth Sheff's term) into widespread American knowledge and understanding.


●  Rounding out the picture is the other poly-movement history book, the one that came out last year: Fifty Years of Polyamory in America by Glen W. Olson and Terry Lee Brussel-Rogers.
 
Glen Olson and Terry Brussel-Rogers
Whereas Gleason is an academic historian, Glen and Terry were right there in the thick of it for many years, at least the California parts of it, as I previously wrote. Their narrative includes detail-rich chapters on life in Family Synergy, the neo-pagan influence, Live the Dream, Morehouse, HAI, and the origins of Loving More. It mostly spans 1971 to the early 2000s and has retrospectives from key players still living.

The authors' own roots are in 1960s California. The summer of 1967, they write,  


was the culmination of three dominant trends happening in America at the time. The civil rights movement had been changing people's hearts throughout the 1960s, making activism respectable. The Human Potential Movement [had been] quietly gaining momentum all decade with the message that you can change who you are for the better. ... And the literary Beat culture of the 1950s, whose basic tenets included challenging your preconceptions, making a spiritual quest, and rejecting economic materialism, had turned into the popular and energetic hippie movement of the 1960s. ... The fervor of these secular movements infused the following decade with excitement about human potential and the ability to love.


These two books capture how the foundations of today's polyamory movement were built. The books round each other out. If you are moved to get one of them, do get the other one too.

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Other Polyamory in the News:

●  Maybe you've spotted one difference between those poly-historic times and now. We're more down to earth. We've outgrown the heady early utopianism — which sometimes created unrealistic ideals and party lines, bred room elephants that no one dared talk about, and hence led to especially poignant failures.

Realism is good. Maturity is good. Maturity is a sign of success. If we hoped to normalize the poly relationship option, we have been succeeding, and guess what: Normal means... ordinary.

And that allows for more clear-headed assessments of whether or not this thing is right for you.

For instance, on Medium a lady in a triad that recently broke up assesses, Does the Polyamorous Model Work Better Than Monogamy? (reprinted on The Good Men Project Nov. 19).

Her answer is mixed. Here's the meat of it.



Choosing a path. The author's
caption: "Thank you, Dall-E"

By Marianna Zelichenko

In my last post, I shared how our polycule has fallen apart after James and Annie broke up. Thomas left a comment saying:

“The only thing that surprises me about the polyamorous community is how surprised they continue to be that their relationship model doesn’t work any better than the monogamy model.”

...So let’s discuss: Does the polyamorous model work better?...

When the polyamorous model works better:

  ...You have needs that are important to you and can’t be met in just one romantic relationship (for instance because you have conflicting needs)

  AND/OR you have a strong craving for freedom when it comes to relationships

  OR you don’t feel the need to date multiple people, but you don’t mind it when your partner does.

  AND you’re willing and capable to put in the work that is required to manage multiple relationships simultaneously, including dealing with jealousy and alone time, managing time, resources, and expectations, and communicating clearly and constructively.

If this is true for you, the polyamorous model likely works better, because it’s a better fit for your needs.

(Disclaimer: I’m not taking into account practical matters, such as the access to other polyam folks in your community, etc. — this is a separate matter entirely.)

When the monogamous model works better:

  ...You can have your important romantic needs met with just one partner.

  AND You don’t mind or are even happy being with one romantic partner.

  AND/OR The benefits of being exclusive with one partner matter to you (such benefits may include relative predictability/stability in your schedule, or acceptance from the outside world).
    
  AND you are willing and capable to put in the work that is required to find your way back to each other as both of you grow as human beings, so that you keep meeting each other’s romantic needs and don’t grow apart.

---------------

What if it’s neither?

You may have noticed that with both models, I’m focusing on the pull — the things that are appealing about each of them. But both models also come with their own challenges. 

...If you’re not willing to communicate with your partner about your needs, you might choose monogamy, but I question whether your relationship will still be happy and fulfilling down the line.

If you don’t want to take into account your partner’s needs, dating multiple people might bring you a short reprieve first, but is likely to bring you a whole lot of headache after.

In the end, relationships are human, and humans are messy. Polyamory doesn’t cure us from that (and neither does monogamy). But for a lot of us, I do believe polyamory is a ‘better’ model, leading to a life of more freedom and fun.

Last summer, we launched a deck of Polyamory Conversation Cards that help tackle the many different aspects of polyamorous relationships. In 49 prompts, you’ll explore topics such as emotional security, sexuality, and practical matters. Grab your deck in the webshop.



●  GQ (formerly Gentleman's Quarterly) published a snarky but not altogether inaccurate guide to various types of today's ENM. 11 Fundamental Forms of Ethical Non-Monogamy, Explained. "There's a big difference between Polyfidelity and Don't Ask, Don't Tell, after all." 


By Sophie Saint Thomas

Polyamory
...In this often-attempted relationship format, which genuinely does feel like coming home and works wonders for many proud poly people, you form romantic and sexual relationships with more than one partner. Many are called. Few can serve.

Hierarchical Poly
Hierarchical polyamory usually involves a couple. They're each other's number one, emergency contact, and "primary partner," but they can see other people (secondary partners). And those second partners better know their place. Kidding! But really....

...Relationship Anarchy
Screw your rules and reliance on romance. Relationship anarchists consider all their partnerships equally valid whether they bone or not. ... They're all equal, and they're so much more punk than the pumpkin spice latte sipping poly crowd. ...



●  How bad can an anti-poly therapist be? Here's one who got caught. From New Zealand, Counsellor named after failing woman in polyamorous relationship (1News, Nov. 15). "An Auckland counsellor who was found to have mishandled the case of a woman who was in a polyamorous relationship has been publicly named by the Health and Disability Commission. ..."


  The NPR radio station KCRW in Los Angeles produces a podcast called How's Your Sex Life? This just ran a segment called Polyamory for Beginners, in which host Myisha Battle interviews comedian Ashley Ray. They rave about Tristan Taormino's guidebook Opening Up and cover other good territory, including your need to find poly community. Transcript.


  You knew it would happen: OUTtv sets polyamorous dating series (Realscreen.com, Nov. 21). "OUTtv has commissioned a new original dating competition series, Looking for a Third, which is set for release on the network in late 2024."...

 
  From CNN Portugal: The Teatro Villare in Lisbon premieres “Baby, I want to kiss more people” (Nov. 4) "Diogo Varo and Joana Brito Silva made a show to talk about their non-monogamous relationship." Says Varo, 


People quickly assume that non-monogamy is about how many people you live with, but it’s actually a political way of living life. ... Non-monogamy is about being honest – first with ourselves. ... But it’s also about being honest with others, whether they’re like you’re the main partner or not. You need to respect others and know how to communicate with partners.



----------------------------------------------------------------------------------

And still...







    
“History is coming at us fast right now.
 The geopolitical snow globe has been well and truly shaken.”
– Dominic Nichols, UK

Why, despite all, do I still end most posts to this polyamory news site with Ukraine?

Because I've seen many progressive movements die out because they failed to scan the wider world accurately and understand their position in it strategically.

We polyamorous people are a small, weird minority of social-rule breakers. Increasingly powerful people call us a threat to society — because by living successfully outside their worldview, we expose its incompleteness.

One couple, many hands. "A new mural painting in Kyiv dedicated
to Ukrainian volunteers. If you have helped Ukrainians during this
year and a half, you may consider yourself to be one of them."

Our freedom to choose our relationship structures, and to speak up for ourselves about the truth of ourselves, is just one way we depend on a free and pluralistic society that respects people's dignity to create their own lives, to access facts, and to speak of what they know.

Such a society is possible only where people have power to govern themselves, combined with legal structures that are at least supposed to guarantee the rights of all.

Innovative people, communities, and societies who create their own lives, and who insist on the democratic structures and legal rights that enable them to do so safely, infuriate and terrify the authoritarians who are growing in power around the world and in our own United States. Now with direct mutual support.

Such rulers and would-be rulers seek to stamp out other people's freedom to choose their lives — by intimidation, repressive laws, inflammatory disinformation and public incitement, abusive police power, or eventually, artillery.

For what it's worth, Polyamory in the News received more pagereads from pre-invasion Ukraine over the years (56,400) than from any other country in eastern Europe.

You can donate to Ukraine relief through this updated list of vetted organizations (Nov. 2023) or elsewhere. We're giving to a big one, Razom, and to a little informal one, Pizza for Ukraine in Kharkiv, the project of an old friend of my wife (story).

But that is only the start. For those of us born since World War II, this is the most consequential war of our lifetime. Because we have entered another time when calculating fascism, at home and abroad, is rising and sees freedom and liberalism and social tolerance as weak, degenerate, delusional  inviting easy pushovers. As Russia thought it saw in Ukraine. The whole world is watching what we will do about it.

The coming times may require hard things of us. We don't get to choose the time and place in history we are born into. We do get to choose how we respond to it. 

Need a little help bucking up? Take perspective. Play thisAnother version. More? Some people on the eastern front helping to hold onto an open society, a shrinking thing in the world. Maybe your granddad did this across a trench from Hitler's troops — for you, and us, because a world fascist movement was successfully defeated that time, opening the way for the rest of the 20th century.

Although the outcome didn't look good for a couple of years there, either. Popular history remembers the victory over the Nazis and the joyous homecoming in 1945. Much less remembered are the defeats and overall grim prospects from 1941 through early 1943.

Remember, these people say they are doing it for us too. They are correct. The global struggle between a free, open future and a fearful revival of the dark past that's shaping up, including in our own country, is still in its early stages. It's likely to get worse before it gets better. The outcome is again uncertain, and it will determine the 21st century and the handling of all its other problems.

----------------------------------

PS: Ukraine should not be idealized as the paragon of an open democratic society. For instance, see If Ukraine Wants To Stand for Liberty and Democracy, It Should Rethink Some of Its Wartime Policies. And it has quite the history of being run by corrupt oligarchs — leading to the Maidan Uprising of 2013, the Revolution of Dignity in 2014, and Zelensky's overwhelming election in 2019 as the anti-corruption candidate. So they're working on that. And they're stamping hard on the old culture of petty, everyday corruption too.  MoreMore; "Ukraine shows that real development happens when people believe they have an ownership stake in their own societies."

Now, writes US war correspondent George Packer in The Atlantic, 


Here was a country with a tragic history that had at last begun to build, with great effort, a better society. What made Ukraine different from any other country I had ever seen—certainly from my own—was its spirit of constant self-improvement, which included frank self-criticism. For example, there’s no cult of Volodymyr Zelensky in Ukraine—a number of Ukrainians told me that he had made mistakes, that they’d vote against him after the war was won. Maxim Prykupenko, a hospital director in Lviv, called Ukraine “a free country aspiring to be better all the time.” The Russians, he added, “are destroying a beautiful country for no logical reason to do it. Maybe they are destroying us just because we have a better life.”


They have a word there, with a deep history, for the horizontal, self-organized, mutual get-it-done that grows from community social trusthromada. Learn that word. It's been getting them through  to the extent they've been able. We polyfolks often dream of creating something like that community spirit in miniature, in our polycules and networks. Occasionally we succeed.

----------------------------------

Social attitudes in Ukraine tend traditional, rooted in a thousand years of the Orthodox Church. But not bitterly so like often in the US; the ideal of modern European civil society is widely treasured, and social progressivism has room to thrive. The status of women is fast advancing, especially post-invasion (pre-invasion article). A reported 43,000 women volunteer in the armed forces, flooding traditionally male bastions — not just as staff but as combat officers, artillery gunners, tankers, battlefield medics, and snipers. (Intimidating video: "Thus the Witch has Spoken".)
  
Ukraine's LGBT military unicorn emblem
Ukraine's LGBT military unicorn.
The thorns and barbed wire
represent old restrictions
now being cut away. 
 
Some LGBT folx in the armed forces display symbols of LGBT pride on their uniforms, with official approval, whereas in Russia it's a prison-worthy crime for even a civilian to show a rainbow pin or "say gay." A report on Ukraine's LGBT+ and feminist acceptance revolutionsAnotherAnotherAnother. War changes things.

And in December 2022, Russia made it a crime not just to speak for LGBT recognition, but to speak for "non-traditional sexual relations." Until last year Russia had a visible polyamory education and awareness movement.

Polyfolks are like one ten-thousandth of what's at stake globally. Ukraine must have our full material backing for however long as it takes to succeed. Speak out for it.

A Russian writer grieves: "My country has fallen out of time."


Ukrainian women soldiers in dense undergrowth
Women fighters in a trench in the Donetsk region

PPS:  US authoritarians (such as Sen. Ted Cruz) are saying that allowing women in front-line roles is a woke plot to weaken America's armed forces. Ukraine puts that shit to bed. Do you have a relative who talks like that? Send them this video link to Vidma, who commands a mortar platoon, recounting the tale of one of their battles near Bakhmut – the Verdun of this war.

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November 22, 2023

November 23 is International Polyamory Day! Share it out.


A REMINDER...

























This comes from folks in Canada preparing to mark Polyamory Day, November 23 each year, across social media. Pass it on.


November 23rd is Polyamory Day.

If you agree that people who are polyamorous are entitled to the same rights, privileges, and governmental support that others have, please circulate this image to others on your blogs, in email, and on social media such as Facebook, Instagram, Twitter, and TikTok.

Polyamory is the practice, desire, or acceptance of having more than one loving intimate relationship at a time with the knowledge and consent of everyone involved.



November 23 is the date when a court explicitly decriminalized polyamory in Canada in 2011. Canadians started Polyamory Day accordingly a few years ago, and it has spread worldwide.

More graphics and background info from last year, including graphics in six other languages. 

Go for it.

_________________________
  
Don't miss Polyamory in the News!
_________________________

Labels:



November 11, 2023

New Poly/CNM activist group revs up. Better mainstream-media advice for throuples. Being poly in a backwater. Being an exploitation-free unicorn. And more.


● The new nonprofit group OPEN, Organization for Ethical Non-monogamy, is on a roll. Founded last year, it is showing more energy, capability, and strategic vision than any polyactivist group I've seen in my years in this movement.

OPEN graphic and description


OPEN started up last year. Its directors and staff have proven to be impressively competent and capable. OPEN is running serious projects to get American medical, psychotherapeutic, and other professional associations to better understand and serve ENM clients and employees. They're helping activists develop poly non-discrimination ordinances for progressive cities and towns. They've started an annual Visibility Day celebration with coming-out events, and they're loudly pushing social-media companies to recognize a broad range of relationship structures (which got them New York Times coverage).

OPEN has started hosting monthly online Peer Support Circles for people without good local poly discussion & support groups. It has published useful brochures and fact sheets, from a Non-monogamy Myths, Facts, and FAQs trifold to a safety-oriented Mixers Guide for social-group organizers. More irons are in the fire.

From an email to their supporters October 26:



🚨 Action Alerts!

  • (US only): The Kids Online Safety Act (KOSA) is gaining momentum in Congress, and we must act swiftly to protect our online freedom. KOSA threatens to create digital censorship and restrict internet access. Join us in taking a stand against this bad internet bill by contacting your Senators now and urging them to say "NO" to KOSA. Click here to take action via our friends at the Woodhull Freedom Foundation.
  • Earlier this month, we raised the alarm when Meta's new AI "practical dating coach" chatbot spouted harmful myths and stigma around non-monogamous relationships. Although Meta quietly updated the bot, their meager fix doesn't go nearly far enough. We've had enough of companies like Meta erasing non-monogamous families and relationships. Add your name to our letter to Mark Zuckerberg and Meta!

🎁 Resources Galore!

  • Our free, monthly Peer Support circles continue on the second and third Tuesday of November! RSVP for the Support Circle on Friday Nov. 14 or the New To Non-monogamy Support Circle on Tuesday, Nov. 21.
  • Not all media portrayals of non-monogamous relationships are created equal. OPEN's NEW Non-monogamy Media Guide presents a set of questions to help writers, readers, and viewers assess the intent and impact of depictions of non-monogamy in the media. Check it out on our blog or on InstagramThreads, or Twitter.
  • Want to help promote awareness and understanding – and grow the movement for rights and acceptance – at your event or venue? We published two new printable brochures that provide key facts and talking points about non-monogamy and the growing movement. Click here to download the files to print at home or request printed copies by mail (US only)!

💪 Volunteer Opportunity!

Looking to get more involved with OPEN's mission? We're looking for a few volunteers to help build OPEN's media list in support of our earned media strategy. This project involves online research and can be worked on asynchronously / independently. Click here to learn more about this volunteer project and get involved!

☝️ One more thing...

As we look ahead to 2024, we're working to grow our team and deepen our impact – but we can't do that without your support. Here's how you can help support our work:

💖 As always, thank you for being part of the movement for a more open and inclusive world!

With love,
Brett Chamberlin, Executive Director



OPEN recently held an online seminar of experts about fighting workplace discrimination and creating ENM-friendly employee policies. Watch the recording. OPEN plans to publish a workplace activists' guide drawing in part on material from this event. 


It will hold another experts' webinar (with funding from the Polyamory Foundation) on end-of-life planning for polyfamilies, again to develop material for a legal and practical guide. Wills, medical care, access rights, assets. . . a subject sociologist Elisabeth Sheff recently wrote about: Queer Families Need Planning for Loved Ones’ Deaths (Oct. 14).

To keep up, join their email list and/or Discord server.  Facebook.  Insta.

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●  Elsewhere, Relationship Anarchy (RA) and the philosophy behind it are explained, at length, in of all places Women's Health: What Is Relationship Anarchy? Experts Explain This Alternative Relationship Model (Oct. 8). Traditional women's mags (this one's Rodale/Hearst) are trying to keep up with changing audiences. 


Have you ever questioned why romantic relationships are often given higher priority than friendship? Are you someone who treats all your relationships equally and don’t believe in putting one above the rest? Better yet, are you all about rejecting labels and norms and forming relationships based on personal needs versus societal expectations? Then relationship anarchy (RA) might be for you.

“Relationship anarchy is an approach that rejects pre-defined relationship structures and, specifically, hierarchies, allowing individuals to define their connections [on their own terms],” says Jesse Kahn, LCSW.... “This means that labels, rules, and expectations are not assumed and are instead discussed and agreed upon.”

...TL;DR: If you take the definition of “anarchy,” meaning “having no ruler,” and apply it to romantic and platonic connections, then relationship anarchy could be defined as a bond with no rigid rules.

...There are many reasons why people might choose to practice relationship anarchy, from wanting more personal freedom in relationships to rejecting societal expectations for how certain bonds should progress, according to the experts.

...Put simply, relationship anarchy is a relationship style that rejects learned structures and hierarchies for all types of bonds. It’s “a philosophy for loving that encourages people to build creative and unique relationships based on the needs and desires of the individuals involved,” rather than societal beliefs, explains relationship anarchist and therapist Anna Dow, LMFT.

It’s also an intentional way of co-creating connections, allowing people and those they’re in relationships with to choose what works for them, says [Jesse] Kahn. This could entail selecting from a smorgasbord of various relationship arrangements and behaviors (more on that later). ...

...[Liz] Powell says. “If it’s really difficult to wrap your head around the idea of not having those distinctions, then do some additional reading, explore the concept in more depth, just to expand your own way of looking at things,” before ruling RA out.

At the same time, it’s okay if relationship anarchy isn’t for you. There’s a debate within non-monogamous communities about whether it’s better or worse to practice RA....



●  From Forbes, How Do ‘Throuples’ Make It Work? A Psychologist Explains (online Oct. 8). The Poly 101s in mainstream media are becoming better informed and less superficial year by year. 


By Mark Travers

Falling in love with two people at once is a genuine and profound experience for many. It’s not merely about divided affection; it’s about an expansive capability to care, connect and commit to more than one person. ...

Here are two conversations that can help throuples smooth out the kinks in what can be a potentially unstable dynamic.

1. The “Are We Ready To Do This” Conversation

 Self-awareness. How well do you know your own boundaries, needs and triggers? ... 

Past relationship dynamics. What did you learn from them, and how can those lessons inform the dynamics of the throuple? ...

Financial compatibility. How do you envision sharing financial responsibilities? Will the financial contribution be even, or based on individual contribution? ...

Cultural and societal concerns. Given the non-traditional nature of throuples, are you prepared to face potential societal biases or prejudices? How will you handle questions or critiques from family, friends and strangers? ...

2. The Regular “Check-In”
 
Getty
Emotional well-being. Are the emotional needs or concerns of each partner addressed? ...

Time management. How are all three partners ensuring that they get quality time both individually and collectively? Are any adjustments needed? ...

Boundaries. Are the established boundaries still working? Do they need revisiting or adjusting? ...

Future planning. Throuples need to consider their future — living arrangements, financial plans or even family planning if that’s on the table. ...

When it comes to making a throuple work, the foundation lies in trust, understanding and respect. While open conversations about your expectations and goals are important in any relationship, conversations about the whats, whys and hows become especially important in non-traditional arrangements. ... Recognizing that change is constant and being willing to navigate it together is crucial.

Mark Travers, Ph.D., is an American psychologist with degrees from Cornell University and the University of Colorado Boulder. ...


●  Another out-and-proud FFF triad profile: I’m in an all-female throuple — we started as friends then fell in love (New York Post, Oct. 31; reprinted on MSN and elsewhere). With video.


I love being in a throuple —
we share a king-sized bed but no jealousy
"Girlfriends Amber, Kenzie and Legacy regularly face social media
backlash for being an all-female throuple. TikTok / @amourdetrois"




















By Asia Grace

...And since welcoming girlfriend Amber, whom the couple met on a dating app, into their polyamorous fold, the all-female throuple has endured crashing waves of vitriol from virtual haters saying, “This will end badly” and “You’re going to hell.”

But rather than becoming defeated by digital digs, the ménage à trois has taken a trendy approach to shutting down trolls. 

“First off, b- – -h mind your business,” sang the lovebirds in a popular TikTok post dedicated to their detractors. 

In the clap-back clip, which scared up over 1.8 million views, Kenzie, 23, Amber, 26, and Legacy, 26 — based in Raleigh, North Carolina — responded to critics who’ve said, “You can’t be in love with two people.” The poly paramours titled the video “Throuple life” and stamped it with #Throuple, [a hashtag that] has amassed over 1.4 billion TikTok views.



●  Elsewhere in the tabloids: POSI-POLY. I live with 2 boyfriends and 6 cats – we don’t all share a bed but it’s a love-filled household (U.S. Sun, Oct. 31). They live in Toronto.


●  What Everyone Is Getting Spectacularly Wrong About Polyamory (HuffPost UK, Nov. 5). Hint: Drop your obsession about sex.


By Katie Baskerville

...Polyamory is one branch of the ENM tree....

So, what does being polyamorous actually mean? Poppy Scarlett, a pleasure educator and content creator based in London... explains: “In its simplest form, it’s having the capacity or the desire to love multiple people at the same time. But what that really means to me is about living authentically and allowing relationships, regardless of whether they’re sexual or romantic or platonic, to take whatever shape feels natural rather than forcing it into a specific box.”

...Alex started questioning monogamy and exploring relationship styles when the world was disrupted by Covid-19. ... For him, polyamory is about having the freedom to “just have a relationship that I want and the rules that I want around it without shame”.

For London-based Abigail Hardingham, finding polyamory proved to them how flexible humans can be. They tell me: ”We can rewire the way we think. That you can choose to live a lifestyle that doesn’t fit what is prescribed to us from a young age. It means creating a queerer more communal way of living.”

Michael Munro, from Brighton, praises polyamory for teaching him about personal growth and the rejection of traditional relationship norms. “It’s a way of recognising the complexity of human emotions and relationships while prioritising honesty and respect in all connections,” he says. ...


Embedded factoid:


An ongoing study by YouGov suggests that polyamory isn’t on the cards for most [British] folk. ... As of August 2023, the data shows that most people have never heard of polyamory and therefore wouldn’t be “open” to it. However, younger age groups seem to be more receptive to the idea, with 12% of 18-25 and 10% of 25-49-year-olds saying they haven’t heard of it but would give it a go. 



●  Similarly, from Buzzfeed: People Get a Lotttt of Things Wrong About Polyamorous Relationships and Here Are 17 Folks to Straighten Them Out  (Nov. 5; reprinted many other places.)

●  Chafing at living in a poly backwater? The alternative weekly Pittsburgh City Paper presents Polyamorous Pittsburghers discuss being out in “the most nebby town in the universe” (Nov. 1).

 By Amanda Waltz 

...Rogers explains that, beyond the romantic aspect, practicing non-monogamy has added a level of security to her and her partners’ lives. This ranges from supporting each other financially to sharing household duties like preparing meals. It even extends to pet care.

“My one partner just got a dog, which has been their lifelong dream,” she says. “But it was just a lot of change really fast of, okay, we're going to pick this little guy up and we got to get all this stuff. And they were just like, wow, really glad to have an extra set of hands.”

Melissa Rogers, John Kowalski, and Hana Jimenez pose for a portrait at Soergel Orchards. CP Photo: Mars Johnson

This ultra-domestic scene stands in stark contrast to portrayals of non-monogamy in the media, many of which involve hyper-sexual images of orgies and illicit underground sex clubs.

“I would say it's 99% not sex,” Roberts says with a laugh, adding, “It is not glamorous.”

Both Rogers and Roberts believe that practicing non-monogamy has also allowed them to explore aspects of themselves that would not be possible in a more rigid monogamous relationship structure. ...

------------------------

Roberts admits that stigma still very much exists around non-monogamy, especially in Pittsburgh, which she calls “the smallest town and the most nebby town in the universe.” While she has come out to and been accepted by her family and friends about being ENM, “there have been instances when people know and their behavior toward me changes or they mistrust my friendship all of a sudden,” she says.

“And that really bums me out,” she adds. “Like, if I wanted to date you, you'd know it.”

Still, she believes talking openly about it benefits not only her, but the local non-monogamous community.

“I feel like because I'm a white middle-class lady who has a lot of privileges, that I can try to talk about this kind of stuff and try to bring some light to it,” she says. “And if that helps someone else that has a higher risk for being treated poorly or discriminated against, then that's a good thing. 



●  More how-to advice from Well+Good magazine, which is on a poly roll:  Throuple Relationships Prove That Sometimes, Good Things Really Do Comes in Threes (Oct. 19)


...How to be in a healthy, happy throuple relationship:
   1. Learn about polyamory...
   2. Acknowledge that there are *four* relationships at play in a throuple...
   3. Talk about “worst-case scenarios”...
   4. Prioritize equity over equality...
   5. Have regular check-ins...
   6. Learn how to communicate in relationship...



●  Well+Good also advises on how to be what some call a conscious unicorn: an un-exploitable addition to a couple, who creates an arrangement to be "the third" the way she or he wants: What It Means To Be a ‘Unicorn’ in a Relationship, and Why This Polyamorous Dynamic May Appeal  (Oct. 7). Some people do prefer the ease of being a loosely attached secondary. 


●  Poly & Christian Dept.  Broadview is "an independent Canadian magazine featuring award-winning coverage of spirituality, justice and ethical living" with 191-year-old roots, now affiliated with the mainline United Church of Canada. It just published Why the church needs to talk about polyamory (Oct-Nov print issue; online Oct. 18). It's by Rev. Tori Mullin, is a United Church minister in New Brunswick, writing in particular to other ministers:


Focus not on monogamy, but on how to care for others ethically in relationship.

Three smiling young women representing a polyamorous triad/throuple
"A 2021 study found that nearly 17 percent of [single people in the US] would like to engage in polyamory, and nearly 11 percent have done so during their life." (Adam Winger photo)


If you have had a reason to be on a dating app recently, you may have noticed phrases like “poly and partnered” or “solo poly” on profiles. This is a relationship style that is growing in popularity in Canada, and I have not seen our churches speak to it.

...I and other ministers connected with the non-monogamous community want to see the church speak to the Gospel into these not-so-new forms of relationships. If the church desires to be relevant, then it needs to start talking about polyamory.

Jesus, in my mind, would have had plenty to say on this subject, as so much of his ministry focused on living ethically within community. His annoyance at his listeners’ fixation on sexuality, such as with the woman accused of adultery in John 7:53–8:11 or his teachings on divorce in Matthew 19, show his concern is less with upholding monogamous principles and more so on living justly.

...I want to see a conversation about non-monogamy that asks important questions about what it means to live a sexually and romantically ethical life, knowing full well that if we refuse to be a part of the conversation, we will be missing out on an important moment in our cultural formation.

The new call of the United Church is deep spirituality, bold discipleship, daring justice. We envision a church that has much to say on the subject of ethical living, one that engages in courageous conversations about what a faithful life of service to Christ might look like.

Is there a place, then, for polyamorous Christians to share their experiences and wisdom with us? Their struggles and hopes? Might we make space for members and their partners in our communities? What could these members teach us about ethical communal living and respectful relationships?

The conversation is just beginning. ...




From Japan: Asahi Shimbun, sometimes called the New York Times of Japan, interviewed polylegal activist and queer-family attorney Diana Adams, founder of the Chosen Family Law Center in New York. The paper rendered the interview as a first-person story: All families are not the same. Three or four parents? Family shapes are expanding in America (Oct. 11. Open it in Chrome and use the Translate icon at right on the address bar.)


Three parents with a baby sign happiiy documents in a judge's chambers
Signing up for three-parenthood before a judge

In the United States, there are states that allow three adults to have equal custody of a child. How widespread is the "three-person parent'' trend? How have families changed and what will they become? We spoke to Diana Adams, a lawyer and founder of the Chosen Family Law Center (New York), a nonprofit organization that promotes family diversity. (Interviewer: Saori Honma)

----------------------

Three-parent custody is legal in at least 10 states, including California, Washington, and Maine. In fact, there are probably more places that acknowledge it informally.

Since starting my law firm in 2007, I have helped thousands of families. We create co-parenting agreements for families with three or four parents. We act as mediators for families across the country, helping them reach agreements on financial burdens and co-parenting arrangements.

...Many researchers have found that it doesn't matter what [an adult family] makeup is, as long as there is stability and love. Courts' recognition has also changed to the point that a legal parent-child relationship is more important than a biological connection, and that it is better not to deprive children of their parents.

...In fact, raising children requires a lot of support. It's reassuring to have more adults who love and do everything for you like my parents did. It is also good for children to have more adults to spend time with without getting tired. Parents can also raise their children without feeling exhausted. From now on, I think the number of parents will increase from 3 to 4 or 5. ...




Naoya (top), Saki, Nagisa, and friend

  Also in Japan: The popular anime series Girlfriend, Girlfriend, which follows the adventures of a high-school MFF triad, may be renewed for a third season says HighOnFilms.com (Oct. 19):


...“Girlfriend, Girlfriend,” or simply “KanoKano,” is a Japanese romantic comedy manga created by Hiroyuki.... The story revolves around a high school student involved in a polyamorous relationship with his childhood friend and another girl who confessed her feelings for him.

...[Saki and Nagisa] choose to live with Naoya since his parents have to live somewhere else for work. The show is mostly about their daily lives at school and the problems and difficulties they face as they deal with their unique love triangle relationship.



 
  ANNOUNCEMENT:  Longtime polyfamily researcher Elisabeth Sheff will host a Parenting in Polyamorous Families Online Workshop November 14 (Tuesday) from 7 to 9 p.m. Eastern time (US). Sliding scale fee from $60 to $15; pay as you can afford.


This workshop will explore: the advantages of polyamorous families for kids and adults; the primary findings from the 25+ year Longitudnial Polyamorous Family Study; talking to children about polyamory; co-parenting with multiple adults; and managing family interactions with a mononormative social world. Participants will have a chance to ask questions afterwards, and the recording will be available if you want to check it out but can’t make it to the live workshop.



----------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Meanwhile...







    
“History is coming at us fast right now.
 The geopolitical snow globe has been well and truly shaken.”
– Dominic Nichols, UK

Why have I been ending posts to this polyamory news site with Ukraine?

Because I've seen many progressive movements die out because they failed to scan the wider world accurately and understand their position in it strategically.

We polyamorous people are a small, weird minority of social-rule breakers. Increasingly powerful people call us a threat to society — because by living successfully outside of their worldview, we expose its incompleteness.

One couple, many hands. "A new mural painting in Kyiv dedicated
to Ukrainian volunteers. If you have helped Ukrainians during this
year and a half, you may consider yourself to be one of them."

Our freedom to choose our relationship structures, and to speak up for ourselves about the truth of ourselves, is just one way we depend on a free and pluralistic society that respects people's dignity to create their own lives, to access facts, and to speak of what they know.

Such a society is possible only where people have power to govern themselves, combined with legal structures that are at least supposed to guarantee the rights of all.

Innovative people, communities, and societies who create their own lives, and who insist on the democratic structures and legal rights that enable them to do so safely, infuriate and terrify the authoritarians who are growing in power around the world and in our own United States. Now with direct mutual support.

Such rulers and would-be rulers seek to stamp out other people's freedom to choose their lives — by intimidation, repressive laws, inflammatory disinformation and public incitement, abusive police power, or eventually, artillery.

For what it's worth, Polyamory in the News received more pagereads from pre-invasion Ukraine over the years (56,400) than from any other country in eastern Europe.

You can donate to Ukraine relief through this list of vetted organizations or many others. We're giving to a big one, Razom, and to a little one, Pizza for Ukraine in Kharkiv, the project of an old friend of my wife (story).

But that is only the start. For those of us born since World War II, we are seeing the most consequential war of our lifetime. Because we have entered another time when calculating fascism, at home and abroad, is rising and sees freedom and liberalism and social tolerance as weak, degenerate, delusional  inviting easy pushovers. As Russia thought it saw in Ukraine. Now the whole world is watching what we will do about it.

The coming times may require hard things of us. We don't get to choose the time and place in history we are born into; we do get to choose how we respond to it. Buck up and be ready.

Need a little help bucking up? Take perspective. Play thisAnother version. More? Some people on the eastern front helping to hold onto an open society, a shrinking thing in the world. Maybe your granddad did this across a trench from Hitler's troops — for you, and us, because a world fascist movement was successfully defeated that time, opening the way for the rest of the 2oth century. Although the outcome didn't look good for a couple of years there.

Remember, these people say they are doing it for us too. They are correct. The global struggle between a free, open future and a fearful revival of the dark past that's shaping up, including in our own country, is still in its early stages. It's likely to get worse before it gets better. The outcome is again uncertain, and it will determine the 21st century and the handling of all its other problems.

----------------------------------

PS: Ukraine should not be idealized as the paragon of an open democratic society. For instance, see If Ukraine Wants To Stand for Liberty and Democracy, It Should Rethink Some of Its Wartime Policies. And it has quite the history of being run by corrupt oligarchs — leading to the Maidan Uprising of 2013, the Revolution of Dignity in 2014, and Zelensky's overwhelming election in 2019 as the anti-corruption candidate. So they're working on thatMore; "Ukraine shows that real development happens when people believe they have an ownership stake in their own societies."

Now, writes US war correspondent George Packer in The Atlantic, 


Here was a country with a tragic history that had at last begun to build, with great effort, a better society. What made Ukraine different from any other country I had ever seen—certainly from my own—was its spirit of constant self-improvement, which included frank self-criticism. For example, there’s no cult of Volodymyr Zelensky in Ukraine—a number of Ukrainians told me that he had made mistakes, that they’d vote against him after the war was won. Maxim Prykupenko, a hospital director in Lviv, called Ukraine “a free country aspiring to be better all the time.” The Russians, he added, “are destroying a beautiful country for no logical reason to do it. Maybe they are destroying us just because we have a better life.”


They have a word there, with a deep history, for the horizontal, self-organized, mutual get-it-done that grows from community social trusthromada. Learn that word. It's been getting them through  to the extent they've been able. We polyfolks often dream of creating something like that community spirit in miniature, in our polycules and networks. Occasionally we succeed.

Social attitudes in Ukraine tend traditional, rooted in a thousand years of the Orthodox Church, but not bitterly so like often in the US; the ideal of modern European civil society is widely treasured, and social progressivism has room to thrive. The status of women is fast advancing, especially post-invasion (pre-invasion article). A reported 43,000 women volunteer in the armed forces, flooding traditionally male bastions — not just as staff but as combat officers, artillery gunners, tankers, battlefield medics, and snipers. (Intimidating video: "Thus the Witch has Spoken".)
  
Ukraine's LGBT military unicorn emblem
Ukraine's LGBT military unicorn.
The thorns and barbed wire
represent old restrictions
now being cut away. 
 
Some LGBT folx in the armed forces display symbols of LGBT pride on their uniforms, with official approval, whereas in Russia it's a prison-worthy crime for even a civilian to show a rainbow pin or "say gay." A report on Ukraine's LGBT+ and feminist acceptance revolutionsAnotherAnotherAnother. War changes things.

And in December 2022, Russia made it a crime not just to speak for LGBT recognition, but to speak for "non-traditional sexual relations." Until last year Russia had a visible polyamory education and awareness movement.

Polyfolks are like one ten-thousandth of what's at stake globally. Ukraine must have our continued material aid for however long as it takes to win. Speak out for it.

A Russian writer grieves: "My country has fallen out of time."


Ukrainian women soldiers in dense undergrowth
Women fighters in a trench in the Donetsk region

PPS:  US authoritarians (such as Sen. Ted Cruz) are saying that allowing women in front-line roles is a woke plot to weaken America's armed forces. Ukraine puts that shit to bed. Do you have a relative who talks like that? Send them this video link to Vidma, who commands a mortar platoon, recounting the tale of one of their battles in Bakhmut – the Verdun of this war.

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Don't miss Polyamory in the News!
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